AIBU to tell DH to slim down in strong terms

[Siane]

DH has put on 3 stone and I've gone off him physically. I told him so this week and he looked so hurt it's as if he were bleeding. But he's at risk of all sorts of health issues, stuffs his face constantly and still expects me to go weak at the knees for him. I've tried subtlety for a year then just cracked...feel guilty now but it's been making me cross tbh. Argh.

I'm puzzled as to why my beliefs about commitment to marriage (or living together as a couple) are wrong.

Salmotrutta

The OP's DH wasn't 3 stone overweight through greed when they met either...so why should she be any more physically attracted to him, than you would be if your DH came to bed dressed in female lingerie?

I don't know of any vows that say Husband and Wife will always be physically attracted to each other no matter what.

So from your reply, you're actually backing the OP.

He's not piling on the weight because of a medical condition or because he's getting older...and the OP hasn't said she doesn't love him.

OK worra - I'm confuzzled.

How does my reply back the OP?

(I'm actually nursing a red wine here and possibly tipsy).

worrall i understand what you are saying..but you are also saying that it is ok for a dh to find his wife physically unattractive because she piled on weight when packing in the ciggies ( the weight gain was through water retention, not through over eating)

that is obviously something the wife can control so hey presto she goes bk to the fags and weight goes almost overnight....better having smoking related illnesses rather than being a fatty hey..???

Lol because you said...

my DH wasn't given to donning female garb when I met him.

If he had subsequently acquired that trait I would have pondered

Well she's pondering too but at no point has she said she doesn't love him or will break her vows in any way.

She (to be crude) just doesn't find him physically attractive and that (along with the health issues) is what lead her to being honest here.

Yes doormat

It's not what you wanted to hear and I'm sure it's not what your DH wanted to happen but if he found you unattractive, what can you do?

You went back to the cigs...that was your choice.

I'm sure he shouldn't have been honest with you but he was and you can't (as much as we'd love to) pick and choose what does or doesn't make us physically attractive to other people.

OK - I see what you mean.

But it's not just 'other people' is it?
It's the person who knows you and lovesyou the most in the world.

thx worral, at the time i went bk to the fags as i would rather of him think of me as attractive than be health concious

but

i packed in again 5 mths ago, hardly any weight gain but swore if he found me unattractive again ...i would not go bk on the fags for his desire to find me attractive....if he loved me, he would fancy me warts n all, just like i love him, balding head, fat gut, spotty legs etc etc....

( the weight gain was through water retention, not through over eating)

Several kilos of water?

Op I get you. It's his attitude and behaviour you are most turned off by. Seeming laziness, greed and denial are not attractive it is true. I fancy my DH most when he's industrious, busy and taking care of himself. He can run towards indolence, excessive sleeping and drinking too much. I do not find that behaviour attractive. I have never put it in terms of finding him attractive or not but he must have twigged he gets more when he's on the ball.

OP, you say that your husbands weight issues are triggered by various stresses in his life. What is triggering it now and what can you do about that? I think that tackling the underlying issues (and unfortunately being fat is probably one of them) will yield results.

I understand your motivation but being nasty will not change the situation. Being honest is fine though, so fancying him less is something he needs to know at some point.

It's no shallow..it's honest. I don't fancy him when he's this fat and I'd be lying if I said I did

That's shallow.

If a MNer came on here and said her husband had told her she was no longer attractive to him due to weight gain, those famous three words would appear! Leave the bastard...

I don't think it was the right way to handle the situation OP, atbthis stage focusing on worries about his health would have been better IMO.

Hmmm,

whats your weight like? if its not great your risk looking a bit hypocritical.

but its your marriage, how would you feel in his position?.

Siane, I have been through a similar thing with my OH. His weight has fluctuated over the years, and it is hard when the one you love becomes so large that you don't find them attractive physically. Your reaction yesterday was understandable and probably came from frustration more than anything else. I agree with the posters that suggest a frank discussion starting with an apology for the way you said it but not the meaning behind it.

My OH has always been into sport and thinks he can eat what he likes because of this (including chocolate in the middle of the night). Thing is that he used to be able to get away with that when he was younger but not now. I don't mind cuddly but at one point he was tested for diabetes and he has nutritional deficiencies. We had The Talk and things are slowly getting better, we're doing it together and he knows that although I find the extra weight unattractive, I love him and nothing can change that. I also spoke to him about setting a good example for our ds which, I think, helped him realise he had to do something.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

I can't relate to a lot of these posts at all.

I don't think you can say definitively that of course anyone would go off their partner if they gained weight.

DH and I both gained a lot of weight after DS was born, I honestly did not fancy him any less. To me he is just gorgeous no matter what He feels the same way toward me, I mean yes he acknowledges I'm not in the same good shape as when we got together, but he says I'm still beautiful, and he definitely still fancies me!

If DH had ever told me I was fat and he didn't fancy me, good lord, I would just want to die. And never have sex with him again.

OP obviously fitness is more important for you in terms of attractiveness. But I think you should look at this as something that is important to you and not as something that is important to everyone. I don't think it's fair to present it to your DH as something that anyone would be upset about.

I know it's a bit controversial and I don't expect everyone to agree but I do believe that making an effort for your partner is important. It's not everything and it shouldn't affect how much you love someone but I think it shows that you want them to find you attractive, does that make sense?

I gained a lot of weight with ds and it has taken a long time to shift (nearly there!) but I want to feel confident in myself again and for OH to find me more attractive.

There's also the health aspect, I am by no means a health freak but I want to be healthy and able to run around, be silly with OH and ds for as long as possible.

Need, that's equating attractiveness with slimness though.

Obviously there are plenty of people who find their partners attractive even when they are overweight.

I agree partners should make an effort. I'd be annoyed if DH, I don't know, stopped bathing or something! But not everyone would include weight loss in making an effort.

I'm very happy my DH has lost most of his weight now, but he did it totally for his own reasons and not because I was bothered about it, which I think helped a lot.

db, I do have some experience of this, having gained approximately 2 stone in 18 months. Bit of a vicious circle really, back injury preventing my favourite sport, making me miserable, making me eat more etc. I definitely find myself less attractive!

To not fancy him at all does indeed imply that nothing about him apart from the physical was ever an attraction and I guess that is shallow. But surely physical attraction is an important facet of fancying someone and excessive weight gain does have an impact for lots of people. It did for me, which was a surprise as I genuinely didn't think it would matter at all. I was honest about it with my partner and it did change things a little.

My initial point is still the key one though - telling someone they are fat is unlikely to be news to them. Telling someone you fancy them less is unlikely to motivate them to lose weight because critically it isn't the reason they gained weight in the first place! I'd try to address that first. The doctors visit to discuss the dangers of obesity could be another approach.

Hello everyone...
It's fair to say, I fancy him less, not not at all. He's still the beautiful man I fell in love with, with gorgeous eyes, strong arms, sense of humour, kind, funny and brave. All those things do and have always made him attractive to me. If my attraction was entirely predicated on his looks, I would be shallow. But it's not. However, as Eriknorseman says, the behaviours he shows when he gains weight and then the actual flab does make me fancy him less. If he said it to me, as I accidentally did to him, I would be hurt. But if he thought it, I would secretly understand.
I need to have the supportive chat and help him through, as he hates being this fat. His clothes don't fit, the older kids laugh at his moobs, his wedding ring is hurting his finger etc.
Needtosleep- I agree. Part of me got cross that I felt he just wasn't making an effort for me. I'm no Julia Roberts but I make an effort for him and me and I was cross he'd just given up...

Siane, have you spoken with him again and asked about what is bothering him? Could you tell him all the lovely things you've said above (gorgeous eyes, funny, brave)?

I've got an eating disorder and have put on a lot of weight since being with my DH. I'm lucky he does not tell me to lose weight, as he knows that would be counter-productive and hurtful. What he does do is support me emotionally and encourage my own efforts to change.

Sunny- I will do. You're right. Thanks xx

Good luck Siane, it can't be easy xx