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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the Au Pair is pushing her luck

93 replies

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:09

We've had an AP since Sept for DS who is 5. Up to now she's been brilliant with DS although all of us (DH & 2 DD both growed up now) have found it difficult compromising and sharing our home. We knew this would be the case. However, she's worked hard to settle into our village and after a settling in period (expected) she now has a good relationship with DS. We had several discussions about her end date and I'd made it clear that she needed to stay until DS broke up from school. Based on this we kept our leave for summer so that we could spend time with DS before starting again in Sept. Just before Easter she asked DH if she could leave 2 weeks early so she could travel to India with friends she'd met here. Annoyingly, DH said 'he would see what he could do'. His thinking was the older DD was about to finish Uni and might want a chance to earn some money before heading out into the real world. She has a great relationship with her little brother. She said she would think about, AP pushed and pushed for a response and then pretty much said her friends and family thought it was a great opportunity for her so she thought she would do it. DD then said OK she'd do it. However, she finishes in June so we said that she would have to start then. As the AP had broke her commmitment and we had to find a replacement it would have to work around our plans not hers. However, we said she could stay with us until she went to India but we were not happy with her lack of commitment to DS.

AP then went home and we emailed to say hi and hope she was having a good time. She emailed back to say she'd been thinking about the situation and didn't want to leave the job in June, but just the 2 weeks early. So she has arranged for another AP in the village to collect DS from school and that DS could stay with this AP and the family until we returned home from work to collect him. We don't know this family at all. DH said that DD would pick up duties from June as we had said earlier but reiterated that she could stay with us until she went mid-July and DH would pick her up from the airport tomorrow. All we got from her was a 'my plane gets in tomorrow at xx'. LIterally. That was it. AIBU? I am sooo cross that I have arranged to be out of the house tomorrow when she returns. I didn't ask for this situation but I am struggling to remain adult-like in my dealings with her - let alone care for DS. But she's young and in a foreign land as well and I don't want to be unreasonable :(

OP posts:
Garcia10 · 14/04/2012 22:18

YABU

She has given you plenty of notice that she wishes to leave early. You said yourself that she has been brilliant. You have until June to sort out alternative arrangements which I think is more than sufficient.

She isn't a slave and can choose to leave the employment whenever she wishes.

Tryharder · 14/04/2012 22:23

You are overreacting a bit. Ok, she's fannied about a bit but, she's what - 18, 19, 20? - and that's what young adults of that age do - I certainly did!

The key phrase for me here was "we were not happy with her lack of commitment to DS". It sounds to me like you want someone who sees this as a real job i.e a nanny. I was an aupair back in the day and believe me, I didnt see it as a real job at all - it was a means to an end - it meant I could live in the foreign city of my choosing, learn the language, shag lots of local men meet new people etc.

If your AP is happy to continue working until July, why insist that your DD does the job unless of course she really wants to.

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:24

YABU - that's more notice than anyone gives in a job, and most of them go back around that time anyway.

AvocadoAndFitch · 14/04/2012 22:26

YABU.

"pushing her luck"? A "brilliant" employee wishes to give you a long notice period to leave her job. Inconvenient for you, yes but you have no reason to be cross with her.

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 22:26

YABU. Being an AP is not a career. You've more than double the notice you could expect for an equivalent job. And very lucky to have a great stand in (though in the same situation my DD would have felt pressured).

Kayano · 14/04/2012 22:31

This is made of loldrama

YABU

You said the AP 'pushed and pushed for an answer.'..
So she asked to do two weeks early and then shock horror asked again when a response was not forthcoming?

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:31

YABU! You are lucky she gave you so much notice. She is suffering for it, as you are basically firing her early from the job now. She has learned an important lesson - only give the required contracted notice you are leaving so your boss can't screw you over.

She should have just told you in August that she was giving notice early.

Original poster
bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:32

Thanks for the straight talk - it is appreciated.

I'm reconciled with her leaving although she has fannied us about. What I find difficult is that she seems to be annoyed with us because we have accepted her leaving but said that the new arrangements will begin when we have a replacement available (i.e. June). We've also allowed her to stay in our home until she leaves.
I'm annoyed because she thinks it acceptable to arrange childcare with complete strangers.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 14/04/2012 22:33

Sorry OP, I do understand what a monumental faff it can be organising childcare sometimes when you work. It can be a nightmare and it IS annoying if you had arrranged your holiday around this. However, I don't actually think she is being that unreasonable to ask to go 2 weeks early. It isn't ideal but I wouldn't begrudge her the opportunity to go travelling with her friends when she has been so good and when you have enough warning to organise something else. Hope it works out ok.

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:33

I would be very annoyed if I gave my boss loads of notice that I was leaving, and then they effectively sacked me for it!

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 22:34

Perhaps she thought it was putting upon your DD to look after your Son?

It sounds as though she was just giving you another option because she feels bad.

In other words, trying to help.

Original poster
bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:34

Yes Rubirosa - if she'd told me in August I could have made suitable arrangements.
I fail to see why I should have DD in house twiddling thumbs whilst the AP is doing a job she has told me she's no longer committed to.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 22:35

Because one is your employee and the other is your Daughter?

Tryharder · 14/04/2012 22:36

The childcare arrangements were her trying to help. You don't know the family but she probably does and your DS probably knows them as well! It's just thoughtless.

Don't be angry - it's not worth it. After all this is the person who looks after your DS so you have to be nice to her.

GertrudeJekyll · 14/04/2012 22:37

YABU

marriedinwhite · 14/04/2012 22:37

I am afraid I'm joining the chorus of YABU. She has a given oodles of notice to leave two weeks early and you have a grown up dd who can step in to help out. She has also made alternative arrangements for your ds and you have plenty of time to get to know the other family to see if it would suit you. It is unfair to say to the OP that she can stay but not look after ds once dd gets home - so you're not planning to pay her for that time then? A trip to India is a fantastic opportunity - are you honestly saying you woudl expect one of your dd's to give it up because they were working for a rather inflexible family who wouldn't compromise.

We had five au-pairs when the dc were smaller and from experience I think you are being unreasonable - really I do.

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:37

Sorry, I thought she was supposed to be leaving in September - if she was supposed to be leaving in mid-July, she should have waited til mid-June to give you notice.

If I understand correctly:

Au pair contract runs til mid-July
She gives you several months notice that she is going to leave early July
You then give her notice that you are firing her at the beginning of June

If she was sensible she would have waited til mid-June to give you notice.

Kayano · 14/04/2012 22:37

She is going two weeks early. She is committed to her job now.

If you gave your notice in a Job and they in effect sacked you 'because te cleaner could do it and your not committed' you would be livid.

You are being very unreasonable. She ASKED if she could Go early. You agreed. She didn't give you a giant 'fuck you' Confused

lurkedtoolong · 14/04/2012 22:39

You fail to see why you should have DD in the house twiddling her thumbs? Because it's her home?

Cherriesarelovely · 14/04/2012 22:39

i think I might have misread the OP, sorry. I suppose she was trying to help in organising her friend to help out but obviously that is not ideal from your DSs pov.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 22:39

And your DD was always going to be 'twiddling her thumbs' while the AP looked after her brother.

It sounds like you've got your DD to mind your son out of spite Sad

Kayano · 14/04/2012 22:39

What if your daughter wanted June to do her own thing and not replace your AP?

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:40

I fail to see why I should have DD in house twiddling thumbs whilst the AP is doing a job she has told me she's no longer committed to

You sound a bit entitled TBH. Just be glad she's not an employee or she'd have you.

vess · 14/04/2012 22:40

By trying to arrange alternative childcare she is doing you a favor and just trying to help with something that is your responsibility, not hers.

lisad123 · 14/04/2012 22:40

YAbu, she wanted to leave two weeks early, YOU have chosen to have your dd come home earlier than that, not her!
She's trying to help by suggesting another way round this. Maybe she's worried she won't get paid for the time she is with you after your dd arrives home.

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