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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the Au Pair is pushing her luck

93 replies

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:09

We've had an AP since Sept for DS who is 5. Up to now she's been brilliant with DS although all of us (DH & 2 DD both growed up now) have found it difficult compromising and sharing our home. We knew this would be the case. However, she's worked hard to settle into our village and after a settling in period (expected) she now has a good relationship with DS. We had several discussions about her end date and I'd made it clear that she needed to stay until DS broke up from school. Based on this we kept our leave for summer so that we could spend time with DS before starting again in Sept. Just before Easter she asked DH if she could leave 2 weeks early so she could travel to India with friends she'd met here. Annoyingly, DH said 'he would see what he could do'. His thinking was the older DD was about to finish Uni and might want a chance to earn some money before heading out into the real world. She has a great relationship with her little brother. She said she would think about, AP pushed and pushed for a response and then pretty much said her friends and family thought it was a great opportunity for her so she thought she would do it. DD then said OK she'd do it. However, she finishes in June so we said that she would have to start then. As the AP had broke her commmitment and we had to find a replacement it would have to work around our plans not hers. However, we said she could stay with us until she went to India but we were not happy with her lack of commitment to DS.

AP then went home and we emailed to say hi and hope she was having a good time. She emailed back to say she'd been thinking about the situation and didn't want to leave the job in June, but just the 2 weeks early. So she has arranged for another AP in the village to collect DS from school and that DS could stay with this AP and the family until we returned home from work to collect him. We don't know this family at all. DH said that DD would pick up duties from June as we had said earlier but reiterated that she could stay with us until she went mid-July and DH would pick her up from the airport tomorrow. All we got from her was a 'my plane gets in tomorrow at xx'. LIterally. That was it. AIBU? I am sooo cross that I have arranged to be out of the house tomorrow when she returns. I didn't ask for this situation but I am struggling to remain adult-like in my dealings with her - let alone care for DS. But she's young and in a foreign land as well and I don't want to be unreasonable :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 23:01

WorraLiberty I most certainly have not asked DD to have DS out of spite. What a horrid thing to say

I wasn't being 'horrid'...I was being honest.

It does look as though you asked your DD out of spite because otherwise, why wouldn't you just ask her to mind her brother for the two weeks?

Everyone's a winner then.

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 23:01

And with all this notice, why doesn't one or other of you simply reorganise leave?

AvocadoAndFitch · 14/04/2012 23:02

Think you are expecting the commitment of say a nanny rather than an AP.

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 23:02

Agree, why not just the two weeks?

Original poster
bushyposs · 14/04/2012 23:03

AP gets £100 a week. No housework other than to clear up after DS, do his laundry etc. She has a blackberry, which we pay for and works 25 hrs per week - no weekends and we have given her 4 weeks paid holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushyposs · 14/04/2012 23:06

Yellowtip - no leave - all taken up for Summer and holidays. Husband military so on leave ban at present for Jul/Aug.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 23:08

So - now you have realised how completely unreasonable you are being are you going to continue to allow her to work and pay her until it's time for her to leave? She's only leaving 2 weeks early - there's really no need for all of the histrionics, then to call her when she arranges something to help you out...

HenriettaFarthingay · 14/04/2012 23:09

I've read the OP three times, and am bamboozled and haven't a clue what's going on. So, as that's the case, YABU.

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 23:09

I was military too and APs were sometimes appallingly used.

The AP most likely needs the money and has agreed to work the agreed work until two weeks short. Why use your DD?

HavePatience · 14/04/2012 23:10

Bushyposs - why can't your DD just cover the two weeks that the AP is leaving early? She doesn't have to do it from June Confused
She can let AP do her job until she leaves for India then take over for the 2 weeks. Or am I missing something ?

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 14/04/2012 23:11

YABU "commitment to DS" Hmm

She's an AP not his Nanny.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 23:11

Yeah, I don't get what the problem is either as she has given you sufficient notice to re-arrange child care. So, YABU.

Original poster
bushyposs · 14/04/2012 23:11

Sanuk - AP also has p/t job in village - they are always asking her to work more hours so thought she could pick up hours there.

MrMyagi the disagreement is fine. The vitriol, such as you have so deftly shown in your post, is not.

OP posts:
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 14/04/2012 23:12

Bushy 25 hours at minimum wage would STILL be more than 100 quid....you have her cheaply.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 23:13

Well, APs tend to get paid on the cheap because they get room and board.

HavePatience · 14/04/2012 23:14

Op I still don't understand why you don't ask DD to do just the 2 weeks that you need her for?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 23:14

Avocado - even a nanny would be entitled to leave two weeks earlier if she wanted to! She has given them plenty of notice and it's only two weeks.

You could have got to know the family that has offered to let you share their AP for two weeks instead of just saying you don't know them.

Your DD has agreed to look after him for the two weeks.

marriedinwhite · 14/04/2012 23:15

AwkwardMary - but it isn't an employee/employer relationship. It's a cultural exchange and the board and accommodation come into that equation too - because all an au-pair needs is spending money. For example, our au-pair had a large bedroom with an ensuite in zone 2 London. The going rate for such a room here, even then was about £500pcm, add on £120 for food every month and it really wasn't such a bad whack.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 23:15

I'm getting wet - drip drip drip

MilkNoSugarAndAShotofWhisky · 14/04/2012 23:19

Think this Aupair will have had a lucky escape come leaving day!

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 23:20

Serious question and maybe this is going back a few years, but do some army wives take the mick with these poor APs, or is it the other way round?

In my day I did feel there was quite a culture for officers wives to swap stories of the latest trend in cheap labour.

Despicably, in '93-'94, young East European labour was the latest trend. Much jollity over photos of young girls keen to come over to work hard for too little. Not nice at all.

lisad123 · 14/04/2012 23:30

£100 a week!! That's £20 a day! I earn more than that in an hour Confused
So OP will you be paying AP and DD??

bejeezus · 15/04/2012 00:30

The first paragraph of your op is mostly about the APe settling in period and it being difficult for your family to share your home. This is completely irrelevant to your AIBU question. Why do you think you included it? Do you think actually it is the underlying reason you feel so cross with her now? I think you did ask your dd to take over in June to spite the au pair. It would have made far more sense for dd to take over once ap left. I think there is more to your anger though, than au pair leaving early.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 00:33

Jesus she's working for £100 per week and you wan't 'commitment' when she's been offered a fantastic travelling opportunity? Confused

Some people get more than that on the dole.

wheresthepopcorn · 15/04/2012 09:16

OP, sounds like maybe you were not originally happy with the idea of a live-in au pair. Perhaps there is another childcare solution? Yes, the childcare situation is always frustrating but it will only be 2 weeks that you need to find cover for. Can you not coordinate your holiday so that it falls on that 2 weeks rather?