To think the Au Pair is pushing her luck

[bushyposs]

We've had an AP since Sept for DS who is 5. Up to now she's been brilliant with DS although all of us (DH & 2 DD both growed up now) have found it difficult compromising and sharing our home. We knew this would be the case. However, she's worked hard to settle into our village and after a settling in period (expected) she now has a good relationship with DS. We had several discussions about her end date and I'd made it clear that she needed to stay until DS broke up from school. Based on this we kept our leave for summer so that we could spend time with DS before starting again in Sept. Just before Easter she asked DH if she could leave 2 weeks early so she could travel to India with friends she'd met here. Annoyingly, DH said 'he would see what he could do'. His thinking was the older DD was about to finish Uni and might want a chance to earn some money before heading out into the real world. She has a great relationship with her little brother. She said she would think about, AP pushed and pushed for a response and then pretty much said her friends and family thought it was a great opportunity for her so she thought she would do it. DD then said OK she'd do it. However, she finishes in June so we said that she would have to start then. As the AP had broke her commmitment and we had to find a replacement it would have to work around our plans not hers. However, we said she could stay with us until she went to India but we were not happy with her lack of commitment to DS.

AP then went home and we emailed to say hi and hope she was having a good time. She emailed back to say she'd been thinking about the situation and didn't want to leave the job in June, but just the 2 weeks early. So she has arranged for another AP in the village to collect DS from school and that DS could stay with this AP and the family until we returned home from work to collect him. We don't know this family at all. DH said that DD would pick up duties from June as we had said earlier but reiterated that she could stay with us until she went mid-July and DH would pick her up from the airport tomorrow. All we got from her was a 'my plane gets in tomorrow at xx'. LIterally. That was it. AIBU? I am sooo cross that I have arranged to be out of the house tomorrow when she returns. I didn't ask for this situation but I am struggling to remain adult-like in my dealings with her - let alone care for DS. But she's young and in a foreign land as well and I don't want to be unreasonable :(

I still don't understand why your DD doesn't just cover the 2 weeks you need instead of the whole of June? I've reread and a still

YABU - I think the way you are treating your aupair is shocking. Leaving 2 weeks early is hardly leaving you in the lurch esp when you still have a few months to find cover. Your lucky she didn't just flip you the finger and not come back.

She sounds far too nice for you. You need an AP who behaves in a typically entitled sort of a way and then you'll have a reason to get cross.

YABU
If I was you aupair I would leave as soon as possible.

Now that I think about it, you might not be selfish after all

This might work in the AP's favor to have your DD babysit for more weeks because then she can then work more hours at her PT job, which likely pays more, and earn more money for her trip to India. She still gets room and board until she leaves.

Direct gov is in this case wrong for the most part. It is over-ruled by the ECJ who ruled a few years ago that all APs had tge status of worker because they were making a valid economic contribution. Would link but I'm on my phone.

I know one MNer put in an FOI request about it to see how they came to that conclusion but all the relevant case law, backed up by organisations like ACAS, says APs are employees.

OP I think you feel hurt and this is making you unreasonable. 2 weeks is not long in the grand scheme of things, she was trying to help, she's probably young and doesn't know the best way to express herself in English and it's nothing personal. I see what you mean about commitment but most APs are at a stage in their life where they don't see the far reaching consequences of wanting to move something by 2 weeks.

I think she probably understands quite well the implications but isn't that bothered as this is a 'working holiday' for her - a means to an end. Also agree that her response on the reason for coming back after trip home was that was where her flight to India left from isn't very reassuring along with the shoulder shrug! She could have said she liked being with your family, looking after DS etc but she didn't so I can see why you are wondering if you want her to continue looking after your DS. In reality I think most au pairs don't really love looking after children, it is just way to stay in a foreign country, learn the language, get a comfortable place to stay and some money. Many though, will keep up the pretence that they like children/like your child until they are ready to leave and from what you say she doesn't even seem to be pretending! I don't think you need to feel guilty about ending her contract early as long as you give her the contractual notice period (she can't claim unfair dismissal as she's not worked long enough for you). You are just as entitled to end her contract by giving the required notice as she is - just as she is entitled to leave early (even though that's inconvenient for you).

As far as your au pair finding another au pair to look after your DS for two weeks is concerned, it sounds like she did this to try and save her job, not to help you. If your daughter wants to continue the job for more than two weeks then fair enough, I would consider it. If she's only doing it as a favour to you then I would put aside your annoyance at your au pair taking an inconvenient holiday and consider what she has been like as an au pair up until now, whether that was acceptable (sounds like it was) and whether you think she'll keep up the same standard after she's back from India.

Overall your package is quite reasonable - lots more than minimum wage when you take account of the value of the accommodation and board. £100 a week spending money after all bills covered is not bad for a young girl only working 25 hours a week. I'm sure there are plenty of graduate trainees in their first jobs who would struggle to have that much spending money after rent and all bills and food covered and they're probably working 40-50+ hours a week.

Actually I don't think you are being that unreasonable. It is not that easy to find summer work as a student especially in the current economic climate. If your DD wants/needs/intends to look for paid work over the summer it is hardly going to put her in a great position if she has to tell prospective employers (on a casual contract) that she needs two weeks off in July to take care of her brother. Much better therefore if DD needs to do this if she takes on the job from the first point at which she is available since it will be affecting her employment opportunities for the entire summer. That's just tough for the AP since she changed the goal posts.

I have to say that I am a little unsure why this is such an issue. We had an AP who joined us last Sept with whom we did not get on. She did some of the things she was supposed to but essentially she was right, we were wrong, and she was intensely irritating. In Feb she told us she was leaving - about 6 months earlier than was intended. She gave us 2 weeks notice, and ... we got another (nicer, less irritating) au pair. Frankly it was about the best decision she'd made!

We have had about 8 APs from the same agency over several years, and I think we are a nice family (some of the girls have been back to see us and remain in touch). We are also a military family, and while I don't know the facts about the "army wives" who mistreated APs, it does sound a bit of a generalisation.

Can't you DD take the other job that the AP does in the village when AP leaves ?

YANBU

How dare the Au Pair inconvenience you like this after you've welcomed her into your home, only giving you a few months notice as well.

Just can't get the staff nowadays.

Seriously though, you do sound a little huffy due to not getting your own way. If your DD was in this situation would you be happy with the family she was working for taking this attitude?

2 wks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things and no an AP isn't going to 'show commitment' to your son - nor would a nanny, I'd venture, if another opportunity they felt was unmissable came up. And, as long as they've given you the required notice, should they? No.

HOWEVER - recruiting an AP is actually often not that quick or easy, nor would be finding a cm in a village with space for your DC potentially or making other arrangements if you don't have grandparents nearby and a nanny if one is availble where you are could be very very expensive.

Two weeks to cover an AP going early would be a good chunk of my annual holiday which I could then not spend with the DCs when they are off from school or DH as he is a teacher. So, while it might not seem like a big deal and isn't in absolute terms I can see why you'd get stressed.

Staying until the DCs have finished school is something we agree at the outset with the AP and they know this is an incredibly important part of the contract.

They still might go - and they would be of course entitiled.

In your shoes, I would have considered casting about for a replacement who could stay the length of time we needed and paying the AP notice period. Which you would also be entitled to do - it works both ways.

If I've understood the timings from the OP - now I'm not sure I have.

MGMidget you seem to have the most reasonable take on this.

Your description of the AP sounds very much like me at that age, (aren't most teenagers fairly self-involved?) However the overall employment package does sound very reasonable in the current climate and the OP is within her rights to feel miffed at being messed about a bit. AP is also within her rights to choose to leave early giving reasonable notice. These two points are not mutually exclusive. Neither are terrible people.

OP - to you, your dcs and your arrangements are the centre of your world, but they are not to your AP. Have you never handed in notice in a job? That's all this is and while it might be stressful for you, that's the nature of employing people sometimes, no?

On the one hand you say that you don't want DD twiddling her thumbs while she is at home as an excuse for her taking over from AP.

On the other hand you say TBH - I'd rather she was out looking for a job than picking up my bloody childcare issues because they are NOT her responsibilities

So why not have DD looking for a job during her summer and get paid to look after her brother for the two weeks.

It does sound like you have sacked her out of spite, as you are inconveniencing yourself and your DD by having AP go in June.