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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the Au Pair is pushing her luck

93 replies

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:09

We've had an AP since Sept for DS who is 5. Up to now she's been brilliant with DS although all of us (DH & 2 DD both growed up now) have found it difficult compromising and sharing our home. We knew this would be the case. However, she's worked hard to settle into our village and after a settling in period (expected) she now has a good relationship with DS. We had several discussions about her end date and I'd made it clear that she needed to stay until DS broke up from school. Based on this we kept our leave for summer so that we could spend time with DS before starting again in Sept. Just before Easter she asked DH if she could leave 2 weeks early so she could travel to India with friends she'd met here. Annoyingly, DH said 'he would see what he could do'. His thinking was the older DD was about to finish Uni and might want a chance to earn some money before heading out into the real world. She has a great relationship with her little brother. She said she would think about, AP pushed and pushed for a response and then pretty much said her friends and family thought it was a great opportunity for her so she thought she would do it. DD then said OK she'd do it. However, she finishes in June so we said that she would have to start then. As the AP had broke her commmitment and we had to find a replacement it would have to work around our plans not hers. However, we said she could stay with us until she went to India but we were not happy with her lack of commitment to DS.

AP then went home and we emailed to say hi and hope she was having a good time. She emailed back to say she'd been thinking about the situation and didn't want to leave the job in June, but just the 2 weeks early. So she has arranged for another AP in the village to collect DS from school and that DS could stay with this AP and the family until we returned home from work to collect him. We don't know this family at all. DH said that DD would pick up duties from June as we had said earlier but reiterated that she could stay with us until she went mid-July and DH would pick her up from the airport tomorrow. All we got from her was a 'my plane gets in tomorrow at xx'. LIterally. That was it. AIBU? I am sooo cross that I have arranged to be out of the house tomorrow when she returns. I didn't ask for this situation but I am struggling to remain adult-like in my dealings with her - let alone care for DS. But she's young and in a foreign land as well and I don't want to be unreasonable :(

OP posts:

AvocadoAndFitch · 14/04/2012 22:41

Is AP still be fulfilling her normal duties? An AP is normally relatively short-term so limited commitment required. How is her leaving a few weeks early dramatically changing her commitment level?

You seem to be punishing her for her honesty.

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:41

Exactly Kayano, if I gave my boss loads more than my contracted notice that I was leaving, and then they turned round and fired me, I would be really upset! This actually happened to my sister once in an office job - she gave them a couple of months notice and her boss told her to clear her desk and paid her a week's notice.

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:42

Whatmeworry, an au pair is an employee.

chocolatebuttin22 · 14/04/2012 22:43

Its not the AP is not committed to your DS, but ur DS is not her life. The fact she has given you plenty of notice and ASKED if she could finish two weeks early shows u how much respect she has for you, then you go and sack her- ungrateful comes to mind!

Original poster

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:44

Well it looks as though I shall go and lick my wounds, stand in a mirror and tell myself repeatedly that I am clearly being unreasonable :( didn't quite think the responses would be so vitriolic and judgemental though. I really did just want to try and find a sensible approach. Thanks to Tryharder and cherriesarelovely for trying to put it in sensible terms. Some of you though can step down from your soapbox now.

OP posts:

Original poster

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:46

WorraLiberty I most certainly have not asked DD to have DS out of spite. What a horrid thing to say :(

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:46

Whatmeworry, an au pair is an employee.

No they are not. Different type of contract.

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:47

Er... you posted in AIBU about sacking your au pair because she wasn't "committed enough to your ds" and didn't expect vitriol?

Original poster

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:48

Because Rubirosa - she told me she wasn't committed to the job anymore!

OP posts:

lisad123 · 14/04/2012 22:48

Throws her soap box at OP

Kayano · 14/04/2012 22:49

Did she actually say that?

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:49

Whatmeworry - the au pair visa category doesn't exist any more, a person from the EU who works in a non-relative's home in return for pay is just as much an employee (I think technically a "worker") as a UK citizen would be. That means "au pair" is just a job description and au pairs have the same rights to things like a contract and holiday as any other worker. The only thing that doesn't apply is minimum wage if they live as part of the family.

AvocadoAndFitch · 14/04/2012 22:50

How is she not committed at the moment?

Kayano · 14/04/2012 22:50

Did she say

'I am not committed to my job anymore'

'please can I leave 2
Weeks early.'

Rubirosa · 14/04/2012 22:51

OP, if you gave your boss 3 months notice that you were leaving, do you feel it would be reasonable for them to sack you for not being committed?

dunnoh · 14/04/2012 22:53

"DS could stay with this AP and the family until we returned home from work to collect him. We don't know this family at all"

Dont let him go with them then. It sounds like you need to show a bit of commitment to your son rather than blaming others

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:54

Do you work OP?

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:55

Rubirosa, see DirectGov link here re employment status.

Sadly she is not an employee, or it could be far more entertaining :)

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 22:56

As a committed employer, you ought to pay this AP up to the date she gave you ample notice that she was leaving on, not try to skim a few quid.

Original poster

bushyposs · 14/04/2012 22:56

Lisad123 lol
AP asked to leave early as this opp came up (brill I really don't blame her for that). I said that it was a faff to rearrange (out of school care here a nightmare and no childminders, I don't know anyone in the village because I commute). When discussing AP said she was only coming back after her hol away because this was where she was leaving to go to India from. I said that didn't sound as though she was committed to looking after DS - she shrugged and said this was a great opportunity for her.
We asked DD if she wanted to do it - DD took a while to confirm with us that she could/would (hence the delay).
DD finishes uni in June - she's not coming back early and TBH - I'd rather she was out looking for a job than picking up my bloody childcare issues because they are NOT her responsibilities.

However - I will go away and think about all this and reassess my priorities. Happy to take things on the chin - but vitriol? No thanks (throwing soap box back in ring, picking up toys and leaving).

Now upset - obvs need to man up as well.

OP posts:

lisad123 · 14/04/2012 22:56

See if I was her I wouldn't be coming back at all

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 14/04/2012 22:56

Sorry, but don't quite understand your op or what the problem is...

marriedinwhite · 14/04/2012 22:58

Faintly recalls an au-pair being the cheapest form of childcare/light household duties available and compromising quite hard to make it work. Had some lovely girls albeit a grot pot too but she didn't stay long.

They are young and it is supposed to be a cultural exchange.

I think the terms were: £80pw, reasonable calls to Europe, UK mobile, board and lodgings, 25 hours pw of light childcare (ours were about 6 and 9/10 when we started) and light domestic duties. Flights home at Xmas, three weeks paid holiday, a if they were good for two terms their final term of language classes. I'm talking 6/7 years ago.

MrMiyagi · 14/04/2012 23:00

Disagreeing = vitriol.

Yanbu at all OP, give the foreign office a call, get the ungrateful cow deported. Teach her not to mess with you.

Sanuk · 14/04/2012 23:00

I do actually get why you are a bit pissed off with the OP

But I don't get why you are getting your DD to take over the reigns from JUne even though are allowing the OP to stay in the house during that time? So wont' your AP be twiddling her thumbs, even if your DD is not?

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