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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I? (FB yet again)

117 replies

FoofFighter · 13/04/2012 13:22

Is it inappropriate to put the following facebook status after you had a miscarriage a few days before?

"Instead of feeling morning sickness, it's been replaced with mourning sickness"

OP posts:

Original poster

FoofFighter · 13/04/2012 23:02

This ?A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that?s how awful the loss is!? is very apt also and something I would post, because it reflects how i feel. I just saw this on here, just as I saw the other thing I posted somewhere and thought, that's me, that's how I feel.

OP posts:

FoxyRoxy · 13/04/2012 23:20

OP I'm sorry for your loss. I think your SIL is best ignored for the time being.

Derpette the OP asked if the status was inappropriate, she didn't ask for opinions on the quote itself. I don't think you can say something is inappropriate because in your opinion it comes across as attention seeking.

Original poster

FoofFighter · 13/04/2012 23:31

fwiw I have deactivated my account. Not just in response to her reaction as she had deleted both me and OH and blocked us too (over reaction much? there's a hide button) more that I have had enough struggling to carry on this weel and am now just going to hibernate a while.

Went out for an hour earlier and a friend who has known her for quite a while told me she is always like this, she hates not being the centre of attention and hates it when anyone else takes it from her. Nobody ever seems to take her to task over things which is why she carries on and gets away with it.

She announced her engagement on FB last autumn without even telling her mum, dad, granny, brother - O was the one to have to tell them and comfort them as they were understandably upset although i think in the end nobody ever challenged her on it. I find that far more upsetting/offensive than anything I have posted.

OH spoke to her today - well listened to her ranting about me without right of reply really as she had a CM kid in the car with her at the time - she says that he never sees her anymore and that I stood her up for coffee once then went out with her mum instead (I didn't and yes he doesn't see her as often because he has a family now!!)

I don't know how to carry on the "relationship" with her. I cannot choose not to for the rest of the families sake.

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 14/04/2012 08:14

Derpette it's not about telling people what they want to hear, that's just putting the blame on everyone else in the same way that an apology saying "I'm sorry you are upset" rather than "I'm sorry I upset you" is not taking responsibility for your own actions.

It's more about thinking of how best to say what you want to without stamping on the feelings of someone who will obviously be feeling very upset given the situation they have posted about. "That's not something I would have posted about on Facebook, and not in those words either, but I'm sorry for your loss" would still make your point but in a much more appropriate way given the situation.

Foof she sounds awful and actually very much like my MIL. I've said before on here that I think everyones lives would have been easier if someone had challenged her behaviour years earlier, before DH and his siblings grew up even. It's very difficult to be the one that rocks the boat, especially when everyone else has spent years pretending that the sea it is sailing on is calm.

I doubt anyone could blame you for taking a bit of a break from her, even if you just say that you are not up to big family gatherings at the moment. LeQueen once said to me on here that I could never win the game my MIL was playing because she's the one making the rules up as she goes along. She was right and that's what your SIL is doing. She's being the one that shouts the loudest because she's still a child, no matter what her real age. Everyone is too scared to upset her, she's the centre of attention and while she keeps on shouting and moving the goal posts then she will stay there.

Original poster

FoofFighter · 14/04/2012 08:17

I think LeQueen speaks sense there. How do you manage to stay sane in a good place with the rest of the family with such opposition NoOne?

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 14/04/2012 08:22

And in the best possible way, stuff the rest of the family. They've been letting her get away with this for years, perhaps with the best of intentions given the circumstances, but there comes a time when someone has to tell an adult who is behaving as badly as this to give it a rest.

I won't pretend it was easy when we did this to my MIL, DH found it very hard to tackle her and although he said she was very upset about hurting my feelings it actually took her less than a week to turn things around and make it my fault and continued to behave as badly as before.

You and your OH have been through enough this week and you don't need her adding to the problem. Let the rest of the family look after themselves and you take care of yourselves for a while.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 14/04/2012 08:27

It's not always easy but having distanced myself from MIL I immediately felt a lot better.

People have tried to convince me to see her again, one BIL has been very abusive towards me, but the woman bullied me to the point of illness so I just stick to saying simple things like "I'm not prepared to let her make me ill anymore" or "She won't stop saying and doing these things so this is the only option left for me."

RnB · 14/04/2012 08:29

Really sorry for your loss

I see absolutely nothing wrong with your status update. At all

I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this from your SIL

lagoonhaze · 14/04/2012 08:44

OP I'm so sorry for your lost.

If i was in your shoes i would text her this.

This is my grief and I will grieve in whichever way I choose just like you were able to. I don't appreciate the way you have conducted yourself and turned my sad loss into a new thing for you to rant about. How our relationship continues now depends how you recifty this as your reaction has been completely inappropriate.

Stand up to the bitch and make it clear you won't put up with it.

saintlyjimjams · 14/04/2012 08:48

Did you say your SIL has recently lost her husband? I think you should cut her some slack really if so as she's likely to find lots of things about loss difficult right now.

I would be a bit by the status just because it's a bit flippant, not because it's about m/c. I wouldn't post the one about no words for someone who has lost a child after a mc (as opposed to a stillbirth) as you may end up upsetting people. I post here as someone who has had a mc (at 8 weeks, no doubt it's different as the pregnany progresses) but has close friends who have lost children, and sorry I do think it's different. I realise everyone is different, but some of my friend's who have lost children are on my FB friends list and I wouldn't want to upset them.

Original poster

FoofFighter · 14/04/2012 08:50

No not recently.

OP posts:

lagoonhaze · 14/04/2012 08:52

I think her bereavement was some time again as SIL got engaged in autumn

HorribleDay · 14/04/2012 08:57

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you get some measure of peace in the coming days / weeks. I also hope you're able to protect yourself from someone who sounds like a nasty bitch, who's made your very sad situation a drama with her at the centre.

If I'd seen that on FB my instant reaction would have been to want to PM you support and hugs, and to ask if there was anything practical I could do. May have left a brief message on status too.

My last thought would have been 'attention seeking' - it just wouldn't have crossed my mind. But then I've evidenly not had an empathy bypass.

Take care.

ragged · 14/04/2012 09:40

I think it's OTT to deregister from FB on the back of this or notice (or even care) who the SIL unfriended.
Hope OP can step away from all this & time will heal.

GoGoBananas · 14/04/2012 09:46

Actually, posting that on fb is attention seeking.

It's seeking to draw attention to something enormous and lifechanging which has happened to the op. It's reaching out and trying to express in words something you can't even think straight about. It's like calling a baby manipulative as if it's a bad thing. It's just ensuring survival.

We're all posting on MN. WTF else are we doing if not seeking attention? Why does needing to talk about something make you worthy of derision?

TheSecondComing · 14/04/2012 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonKitty · 14/04/2012 10:13

Foof so sorry for your loss.

Can't believe anyone would turn your grief into their own issue. Sorry that you have to go through that. I agree, walk away and deal with your loss as you need to.

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