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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I? (FB yet again)

117 replies

FoofFighter · 13/04/2012 13:22

Is it inappropriate to put the following facebook status after you had a miscarriage a few days before?

"Instead of feeling morning sickness, it's been replaced with mourning sickness"

?

OP posts:
YonWhaleFish · 13/04/2012 15:32

It might be also that you deal with grief by talking openly about it, whereas I deal with it on my own and won't talk to anyone. Everybody is different, don't feel guilty for doing what helps you feel better Thanks

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 13/04/2012 15:36

Sorry for your loss op, and for your sil's behaviour to you Sad

I'm another that would be Shock to see that on Facebook (though i wouldnt post on there to say so of course)but as others have said only because of the pun/'jokey' play on words, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone posted they were devastated or sad or grieveing. I think a lot of us have been in the same situation as you op and understand how awful it is

Try to ignore your sil's reaction, this is a difficult enough time for you without her sticking the boot in

lottielou39 · 13/04/2012 16:08

I had a miscarriage last year (found out on the scan that there was no heartbeat). I absolutely didn't want to share it on Facebook and didn't. It was a very private thing for me and immediate family only.
But if i saw something like that on Facebook written by someone else, I;d only offer support and compassion and I can't understand their reaction, it's very weird and cruel.

Original poster
FoofFighter · 13/04/2012 16:10

Like I said lottielou, only family and close friends (who are probably more family than half my family are!) are on my FB to see it anyway. To me it was like sending a text to a good friend to let them know how I was feeling, but instead of sending the same text to 40 odd people, did it that way instead.

So sorry for your loss too x

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/04/2012 16:13

It's difficult. I've been very open on FB about my miscarriages, mourned openly, been angry, whatever. I did it because I really didn't feel embarrassed about exposing myself and because I was so extremely shocked when my first happened. I didn't know it was so "common". I didn't know friends had experienced the same thing. I didn't know how to cope or what to feel. When I found through other forums that many women go through this and feel totally isolated, I decided to take advantage of my lack of embarrassment and make sure as far as I could that any of my friends didn't feel that same isolation. I have been so amazed at how many people have quietly approached me to share their experiences (sometimes the first time in over 30yrs) or to ask advice how to support their own friends through a similar experience. Ok, it was cathartic too, maybe too much but I don't regret it.

What you are doing by being open is very brave and strong - totally not unreasonable. However, I can see that some would find the pun a little tasteless maybe because they have their own layers of grief or have no experience of miscarriage. I'm not saying it IS tasteless, but I know from being told how shocking one or two people found my openness that it is too much info too fast for some.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/04/2012 16:29

foof I talk about DD all the time on FB. It is one of my only outlets.
I think you should be able to put what you bloody well want to on your FB and people should STFU about it.

If they dont like it, think its a bit off or are upset by it that is up to them but they should keep it to theirselves.

There upset is never going to be greater than yours. Noone is going to be more upset about this than you.

If I had seen that on FB I would think 'that is very sad'. And my heart would go out to you.

I have many, many friends on FB who are bereaved and however they chose to express their grief is fine by me.

X

eurochick · 13/04/2012 16:34

A lot of people seem to use FB as a grief outlet. And why not? It is a place where you should be amongst friends. Many people on there post about a loved one on the anniversary of their death and I don't see this as that different. I can see that it is a little attention seeking but not in a bad way - it's just that the poster wants others in their circle to acknowledge what they are going through. It is also a way of broadcasting the news so people don't (in your case) ask about the pregnancy (if they knew about it) or make unknowingly insensitive comments about when you are going to have a child or whatever.

AnEcumenicalMatter · 13/04/2012 16:50

I don't post personal stuff on FB. I haven't even announced my pregnancy on it and the baby is due in just over 9 weeks. However, i dont find it at all strange that ither people might want to use it to share their grief or whatever. Just today a friend has posted in remembrance of her dear Dad on the anniversary of his death and I hope my words in response and those of other friends bring her a little comfort on a sad day for her.

redexpat · 13/04/2012 19:16

I quite like it - I mean I think it's a very succint matter of fact way to announce something that must be awful to announce. Thanks

cocolepew · 13/04/2012 19:21

You SIL is a cow.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby.

I've had 3 miscarriages and everyone deals with it differently, doesn't mean its wrong.

Take care x

ragged · 13/04/2012 19:26

yanbu. Sorry you're going thru all this. :(

wellwisher · 13/04/2012 19:40

I think if you have only close family/friends on FB friends then it's OK. I have over 300, so I wouldn't put something so personal in a status update. It is hard for people to know how to react.

I'm sorry for your loss though, and I certainly wouldn't pass judgment on someone who had just suffered a mc. It was unnecessary and unkind for your SIL to have a go at you.

birdsofshoreandsea · 13/04/2012 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeKathryn · 13/04/2012 20:24

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's no one's business what you put on FB but yours. I may have posted about mine if I hadn't been keeping it secret from some of my family as my Mum is too ill to cope with such bad news. I had pg symptoms and no baby too so I know how you feel (((((hugs)))))

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 13/04/2012 20:35

I don't post anything personal or serious on fb so its a different thing from what I'd do BUT I wouldn't be offended or think it strange. I'd probably just send you a pm saying I was here if needed.

Derpette · 13/04/2012 21:37

Attention seeking.

MeKathryn · 13/04/2012 21:41

Surely it's OK to seek attention when you've lost your baby? Or would support be a better way of putting it maybe?

Derpette · 13/04/2012 21:46

Having lost a baby myself, the last thing I would have done was think of a silly play on words to put as a Facebook status.

My sympathy goes to the OP, and people can do what they want but that's just my opinion on the matter. People seem ready at the very second of any drama or tragedy to add it to the likes of Facebook and twitter.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/04/2012 21:46

Yes God forbid anyone would want to draw attention to the fact they had lost a baby Hmm

Derpette · 13/04/2012 21:48

Oh yes let's make a little play on words to let people know...

Surely those who SHOULD know would already know, without having to reply 'omg what's up are you ok' etc etc to this status.

jodidi · 13/04/2012 21:53

But isn't it easier to announce it once than to say it over and over again? If it's only close friends and family on fb then it's just easier to post once and then everyone knows, rather than having to have that conversation with everyone individually. I want everyone to know so they don't say things accidentally that will upset me, or keep on at me about how I should have another so we can have another christening to get together for. I don't, however, want to have that conversation again just yet. I can fully understand why foof would want to avoid that.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/04/2012 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Derpette · 13/04/2012 21:58

Yeah okay I could understand that, but that obviously wasnt the intention of this status though. It didn't give people any information, it was just a cryptic sentence that draws attention to yourself and makes people question what's going on...

Anyway I'll shut up because I don't want to upset anyone. I just think it was silly.

Derpette · 13/04/2012 21:59

Insensitive twat? Thanks for that dearest. Lovely use of words!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/04/2012 22:01

The OP has just lost her baby and you are calling her attention seeking and silly.

FFS.

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