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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for the weekend when I have a long standing dinner invitation on Friday?

138 replies

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 12/04/2012 00:04

I know I ABU but I want to go away! I want to go to dinner too but going away has more appeal...we never go away as a family and haven't had a break for three years. Not even a weekend away.

We have been offered the use of a friends flat (lovely one in Kensington too) for the weekend...the offer came to us this evening and we could have the flat for two nights...Fri and Sat.

We have never taken the DC to london and yet some friends are expecting us for dinner on Friday night with DC in tow.

I have been looking forward to the dinner...but this weekend is also the first weekend we have had a chance to go away....am I BU to cancel dinner and take up the offer of the flat? DH is all for telling the truth to the mates but I know they'll be VERY dissapointed and possibly hurt too...there won't be another chance to take the flat as the friend is leaving it soon to return to his home country.

OP posts:
qo · 12/04/2012 00:59

What rotten timing Mary, I do feel for you - I hate being in that kind of situation.

Would it be awful to suggest postponing the dinner date? If it was me I would go to London

londonchick · 12/04/2012 01:01

I have to say I think YABVVU.

A better offer? Jeez, what a nice friend you are! It's Thursday already!

qo · 12/04/2012 01:03

Nice way to take in all the information and see both sides Londonchick!

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 01:03

Wouldn't you be happy for your friend pancake/AThing?

If you were secure in your friendship you'd know you hadn't come off worse in a competition with a trip to London, because you'd know the person better than that.

londonchick · 12/04/2012 01:11

I have taken in the information. I realise they haven't been away in years and this is an amazing opportunity.

But, I am the kind of person who, once I have agreed to something (especially when it concerns another person), I will absolutely keep to it unless I am literally on death's door.

I guess it comes from experience and planning things for other people only to have them cancel on me.

I just think it's a shitty thing to do.

Isn't this forum about asking people's opinions?? Well that is mine! I think cancelling on a friend the day before, unless for a family emergency, is just horrid regardless of what amazing opportunities have come their way.

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 01:19

But people and situations aren't rigid londonchick, and most people know and accept this as the norm and are flexible about stuff.

If the OP knows her friends would be secure in knowing her decision wouldn't be a reflection on them, they could just brush it off and get on with flopping down in front of the box for the night doing something else.

AThingInYourLife · 12/04/2012 01:31

"If you were secure in your friendship you'd know you hadn't come off worse in a competition with a trip to London, because you'd know the person better than that."

These friends have come off worse in a competition with a trip to London.

A longstanding dinner arrangement is being cancelled for a better offer.

There's no point in pretending that's not what's happening. The hosts who have invited their friends over will certainly know.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/04/2012 01:44

There will plenty of dinners! Only very few offers of free digs in London. Us it is rude to cancel because it's a better offer, however if I was the dinner host I would totally understand and let you rain check. Then I'd pull in some random off the street and make them entertain me Friday night.

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 01:45

It is a better offer without a doubt AThing, but some might not take it as a personal criticism.

Whether the OPs friends will or not, I was going to say only the OP will know, but I suppose that's why she's posting, she's not sure.

Not everyone would is what I'm saying.

alarkaspree · 12/04/2012 01:48

Is there any chance you could invite the other friends to go to London with you and share the flat?

Original poster
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 12/04/2012 01:51

AF Ah! imagined a scenario where you had had a discussion with someone about your online life...and they, in trying to tell you that the internet is a dangerous place, told you "Ffs you could be talking to ANY FUCKER"

Grin But then I am a bit over imaginative. I often work out why people have certain user names.

Is it any wonder my social life is in tatters.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 12/04/2012 01:52

"There will plenty of dinners"

Just not necessarily with these friends.

Original poster
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 12/04/2012 01:53

They won't come with as they have work....if I were them then I would rather they went to London.

OP posts:
qo · 12/04/2012 02:03

My friends would honestly be pleased for me if I had the opportunity of free digs in London for the weekend, I'm sure your friends will be too Mary

HerRoyalNotness · 12/04/2012 02:10

Then they're not true friends are they AThing

Yes they may be disappointed, but friends should not begrudge you such an opportunity

AThingInYourLife · 12/04/2012 02:26

:o

What are we? 8 years old?

"A real friend would want you to ditch them with 24 hours notice if a better offer came up."

The fact is that it is undeniably rude to cancel a dinner invitation at short notice because you have "the opportunity" to do something else you'd prefer to do.

The "opprtunity" to go to London is also the "opportunity" to hurt the feelings of good friends.

I guess it comes down to which you value more - a city or your friends.

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 02:33

You're implying it's immature to not begrudge someone taking an opportunity you know they'd value AThing.

Some friendships can go beyond normal acquaintance 'manners', where you don't take offence at every perceived slight.

WMDinthekitchen · 12/04/2012 02:53

I would not disappoint the friends (U, in my opinion) but I would also want to go to London. I would either go to London after dinner or get up very early on Saturday morning and go then.

Friends are too important to upset. Your friends might understand completely but they might not and you might offend them greatly.

GColdtimer · 12/04/2012 03:38

I am someone who gets really pissed off with friend's who mess me around but in this situation I would honestly want you to take the flat. It all rides on your call tomorrow. Be extremely apologetic, say you understand if you have hurt their feelings but that this us your only chance to get away all year and would they mind if you postponed. Then buy them a nice present from your trip. If they are good friend's they will be disappointed but understanding.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/04/2012 03:57

I'm with AThing. It's sheer bad manners to cancel purely because you have a BBO (and, tbh, not even that much of a BBO).

I disagree with posters who say that real friends would understand being cast aside at short notice. Real friends don't cast friends aside for BBO's.

Also, how do you know they didnt also get a better offer but were polite and stuck to the plan as the invite had been extended?

You're crazy to risk a longstanding friendship for a weekend in the smoke.

Jajas · 12/04/2012 04:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero · 12/04/2012 05:22

I agree with twofalls tbh. I think if the dinner hosts are really good, long standing friends they will know your circumstances and understand that it's when a difficult thing to turn down when you're not likely to have another opportunity.

But definitely ring them sooner rather than later.

meditrina · 12/04/2012 05:33

I think it's very, very rude to stand up your friend tomorrow, because a freebie has come along.

If London for two days and one night is insufficient, then perhaps you could instead book a minibreak there (when funds permit) for a stay that meets your requirements?

PrincessFiorimonde · 12/04/2012 06:22

If I were you - yes, of course I'd want to take up the Kensington offer, especially as you haven't been away for three years, and as your DDs would love to have the chance to go.

But if I were your dinner party friends - sorry, but I think I'd be really pissed off. But that's mostly because I so rarely have friends round for dinner that it's a big deal for me, so I'd have been planning the whole thing for ages, would certainly have bought all the food/flowers/candles/whatever at least two days in advance, and would be really looking forward to the evening. Your friends might not make such a palaver about a dinner party, of course! (Though you hint at the possibility by saying both that it's a longstanding invite, and that your friends will be 'disappointed' and 'hurt' by your no-show.)

I think Jajas asked some good questions. And I'm assuming that the dinner party isn't to celebrate some big occasion, such as a birthday/anniversary/award of a Nobel prize, etc. If it's more of a pot-luck supper, and your friends have that sort of thing often, with lots of people involved (so that your no-show would hardly be noticed) - that's quite a different matter!

I understand that if you live in Land's End or John o'Groats that travelling to London early Saturday morning might be a bugger. But I think that's probably what I'd opt for.

doublechocchip · 12/04/2012 07:54

Hmm tricky I can see both sides, I think because it is this late in the day I would go to the dinner party and go to London on the Saturday. How far do you have to travel? even if it was a 3 hour drive/train ride and you left at 7 you'd still have most of the day and could stay till late on the sunday.

That said it depends as others have said what type of friends they are and what type of dinner party it would be. I know if it was me I would be a little hurt/disappointed but knowing the truth (ie. amazing opportunity had come up) I would understand and really we could invite some other people instead even as last min as this.

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