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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with parents - just can't be bothered with the DC?

90 replies

AnonymousBird · 11/04/2012 18:26

Need to be quick - parents turning up in ten minutes.

We don't see much of them, live just a bit too far apart to make it easy to link up. We are constrained by school, work etc, they are retired but completely mobile and healthy. They phoned last week to say they were coming to see their friends who live approx 30 minutes from us and would like to come and see us too. I had assumed to stay the night, as it's quite a drive to do there and back in one day and said, great, see you then. They phoned yesterday to confirm and I said "hope you'll stay for supper and the night". Got a short rebuke from mother dear - of course we can't.

So they said, they were meeting friends for lunch around Noon, would have lunch, coffee, chat etc, and then head to us for the afternoon. Mum texted half an hour ago (just before 6) with the shortest text - yesterday when we spoke she said she would phone as I have very little phone signal here and that, so texting is unreliable as she well knows. They are arriving in ten minutes and only staying for half an hour.

We only see them every 2 - 3 months - and now we are graced with barely 30 minutes of their presence, despite the fact that their friends got 6 hours.

And from the second they get here I know, just KNOW that Mum will be clock watching and nagging Dad to leave because they've left the dog behind or some other such trivial matter. Then she will panic about the state of the traffic on the motorway and such and such and then they will leave as fast as they arrived.

LIVID! DC will be disappointed again that their maternal GP's just cannot be arsed with them one little bit. Poor DC have been asking all afternoon what time they are going to arrive.

AIBU to think that they could have balanced their afternoon better, knowing that it's the only chance for us all to see each other for a while and even if things had so grossly run over with their friends (it was lunch FFS) then they could have called to explain that they were delayed....

OP posts:

Original poster

AnonymousBird · 11/04/2012 18:26

Sorry - wasn't quick!

OP posts:

Roseformeplease · 11/04/2012 18:31

YANBU. But they will soon need visiting in their old folks home and then their grandchildren will have little bond and be far too busy. What goes around comes around. My MiL and mother are the same and so there is little bond with my children. As their friends die off (harsh, but inevitable) they will be lonely and will not have close ties to rely on. Children are very aware of who cares and who doesn't and time is so very precious to them - not gifts. How shitty for you. Have wine - can't do symbol on this phone.

Ineedalife · 11/04/2012 19:08

We have this situation rearing its ugly head again at the moment too.

My parents dont even live that far away, only an hour. Their choice, they moved away.

They hardly ever visit and when they do they stay for a cup of tea and then go again.

They often dont even come for DGD's birthdays and this year were planning to miss DGD 3's despite the fact that she has a life limiting disability and every birthday is a sodding miracle.

Can you tell i am pissed off with them.

You are not alone.

kickmewhenimdown · 11/04/2012 19:08

Totally agree ^

kickmewhenimdown · 11/04/2012 19:09

with rose!

Ineedalife · 11/04/2012 19:10

And no yanbu.

AThingInYourLife · 11/04/2012 19:12

How hurtful for you and your children :(

I guess you could ask them not to drop by so late.

vigglewiggle · 11/04/2012 19:15

I have a similar problem and you have my sympathies. I was ill last week and asked my mum to come and look after my 2 DC when I went to the doctors at 5. She only lives around the corner and so she said she would come early and help out with the DC. "Great" I thought, until it got to 15 mins before my appointment and she still hadn't turned up . I fall for it every time!

bizzey · 11/04/2012 19:19

WHAT they are only visiting you because they are seeing their friends !!!!!!!
unbelievable!!

Well as another poster said..soon they wont have all their friends (fact of life) and then what will they do ...oh i do feel for you .
You are most likely "entertaining" them now as i type....pleeeeeeeeeeeeese can we have update when they have gone, ..if it has not been too upsetting for you and if it has let off steam here!!!!!!!!!1

kerala · 11/04/2012 20:02

Sympathies. My ILs emigrated because "there was nothing to stay in England for" . Obviously her two sons and two little granddaughters fall into the "nothing" category.

redskyatnight · 11/04/2012 20:21

I think you are confusing two issues here. One that you would like to see your parents more. How often do you go and see them and how often do they come to you?

Secondly, their trip is to see friends. Having spent a long day with friends, they are making the effort to come and see you but don't want to stay for long (as they will be tired, it's been a long day etc etc). I actually can't see the problem here.

BillyBollyBandy · 11/04/2012 20:25

No redsky they are fitting their dgc's in after their primary concern which is their friends.

They will not be making a special trip to see the dgc's for anther few months (I think OP?)

There is so much wrong with that.

redskyatnight · 11/04/2012 20:28

But I don't think anyone is suggesting that it is bad for them to want to see their friends? And on this instance they could have just come and seen their friends and gone home again without going near OP. But they aren't.

OP's issue is that her parents (in her opinion) don't bother enough with her and her DC. If they were planning to visit next weekend, the fact they were only briefly popping in today would be a non issue.

BillyBollyBandy · 11/04/2012 20:32

But why wouldn't they want to take the opportunity to see their grandchildren when it is a fairly rare event. And as they decided they did want to see them, why only for half an hour?

Presumably because they had 1 day to do 2 things, and they prefered to spend all lunchtime/afternoon with friends and tack family on for a half hour visit on the end. Where children are involved, and they are looking forward to seeing you, I think that is pretty crap. I'd be hurt.

Eglu · 11/04/2012 20:37

OP I feel for you. I would not even bother telling your DC they are coming in future so they can't be disappointed.

Please give us an update.

Twobuttonsaway · 11/04/2012 20:52

My sympathies, my father has seen his grandchild for two chunks of 2 hours since last Sept. Yes he lives in Spain but its not that far away! My issue is that I want him to want to be here, and basically he just doesn't! I could have it out with him, but then he would come more because I told him to which isn't the point for me. I have decided to just accept it amd not rock the boat, though have a couple of friends I can rant to as and when. Deep breaths, best of luck.

Roseformeplease · 11/04/2012 22:19

I am constantly being told the same thing by friends and this links with my own experience. We wanted good relationships between our children and our parents and so many of us didn't get it. I had wonderful grandparents and yet my own parents are rubbish, in spite of seeing their parents doing a good job. Why? Anyone got any clues? Is it because there is so long for some between retirement and truly winding down and they thing grandchildren will, in some way, tie them down.

Dawnybabe · 11/04/2012 22:37

Oh kerala

No advice but how awful.

Makes you wonder why these people wanted to be parents.

SkinnedAlive · 11/04/2012 22:43

If you consider their dog trivial then I am guessing you have different priorities and don't see eye to eye anyway. If anyone thought my cats 'trivial' I wouldn't feel very friendly towards them.

I don't think you are being unreasonable on one hand. On the other hand you can't make other people like you or your kids. It doesn't sound like you are close to your parents which is a real shame and not the fault of either of you really :(

DefiniteMaybe · 11/04/2012 22:44

My mum lives in the next street and we just get flying visits after work and before whatever bullshit thing she's doing next. Drives me batty. Her favourite sayings are "I've had my children" and "I don't want to make you feel unwelcome but......"

QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 22:48

Why not text back "Dont bother. The kids have been waiting for you all afternoon, and I am too pissed off to play happy hostess to get 30 minutes of your time. "

Original poster

AnonymousBird · 12/04/2012 08:13

Sorry - I couldn't post again yesterday.

They stayed for one and a half hours in the end. The trip is always to see their friends, the trip is never to see us. We are an after thought - they never arrange to come and see us, and then also arrange to see their friends. It's always arrange to see friends, fix the date etc, and then just hope that we might be around, and if we aren't, then oh well, next time. And seeing as they and all their friends are retired, they can arrange to meet almost any time - we are constrained by school, work, childcare etc etc and as such when they present me with a date that they are "available" then it's up to me to try and work around that if I want my DC to see their GP's. They never check dates with us first.

Skinned alive I didn't mean their dog was trivial - I have a dog and I love her dearly, so I am sorry to suggest that. What I meant is that the dog would have been at my sister's and the dog can stay there as long as is necessary, no hurry to collect etc, so it was the fact of the collection of the dog that was trivial not the dog itself! I was posting in a great hurry and didn't have time to edit my post. Sorry - no offence meant.

So, the upshot is, I am going to try and get there next week to visit them with the DC to stay overnight. I really want this to happen because I want them to have a relationship. However, I am prepared to rearrange everything - our life - to make this happen at quite short notice. Mother dearest, however, simply panicked and got in a total flap that the date Dad and I settled on was the day she is going to the hairdresser.... So what? That doesn't prevent me travelling over with my children - Dad is quite capable of opening the door!!! And before you say it, she wasn't panicking because she was worried about missing valuable time with the DC, she was just panicking. I have had her miss the DC in the nativity before because she "couldn't wouldn't change her nail appointment" despite having several weeks notice of when the nativity play was.

Rant over. Thanks all of you for your feedback. Nice to know one isn't going mad.

OP posts:

ladydeedy · 12/04/2012 08:40

Do they know how much you would like them to visit and stay? Maybe they think you are too busy (as you say, work, childcare etc) and that by spending more time with you and expecting a meal and an overnight might be a lot of work for you. Perhaps they are trying to be thoughtful in that way. I know this might be a long shot but my parents used to be like this and over-cautious about being perceived as a burden and I remember one instance where my sister in law was very cross that my parents hadnt been to see the new baby but my parents were waiting for an invite and were trying to be considerate and not pushing to come over! So, just a thought. Maybe they need to be told more explicitly.

BupcakesandCunting · 12/04/2012 08:57

I can sympathise. My dad lives about ten minutes from us and we can go weeks without seeing him. I'm an only child and DS is his only grandchild. Someone will probably be quite lonely in years to come.

YouChangeWithTheWeather · 12/04/2012 09:22

I think some older people get obsessed with routine because they understand it, it's fixed in the whole gaping chasm that is retirement. So Monday is Tesco, Tuesday is hair and garden centre, Wednesday is swimming and coffee with Betty, Thursday is M&S then club, Friday is town and it's all punctuated with coffee at 11am (and not a minute earlier), a light lunch at 1.30, tea at 3.30pm (and no other beverage), dinner at 6.30pm and another cup of tea at 10pm before bed. All other activities must fit in around these otherwise the world will end

And if they go anywhere else they will need to take their own tea bags and pillows. To be honest, give me another 30 years and I'll be joining them

Has your mother always been anxious?

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