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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with parents - just can't be bothered with the DC?

90 replies

AnonymousBird · 11/04/2012 18:26

Need to be quick - parents turning up in ten minutes.

We don't see much of them, live just a bit too far apart to make it easy to link up. We are constrained by school, work etc, they are retired but completely mobile and healthy. They phoned last week to say they were coming to see their friends who live approx 30 minutes from us and would like to come and see us too. I had assumed to stay the night, as it's quite a drive to do there and back in one day and said, great, see you then. They phoned yesterday to confirm and I said "hope you'll stay for supper and the night". Got a short rebuke from mother dear - of course we can't.

So they said, they were meeting friends for lunch around Noon, would have lunch, coffee, chat etc, and then head to us for the afternoon. Mum texted half an hour ago (just before 6) with the shortest text - yesterday when we spoke she said she would phone as I have very little phone signal here and that, so texting is unreliable as she well knows. They are arriving in ten minutes and only staying for half an hour.

We only see them every 2 - 3 months - and now we are graced with barely 30 minutes of their presence, despite the fact that their friends got 6 hours.

And from the second they get here I know, just KNOW that Mum will be clock watching and nagging Dad to leave because they've left the dog behind or some other such trivial matter. Then she will panic about the state of the traffic on the motorway and such and such and then they will leave as fast as they arrived.

LIVID! DC will be disappointed again that their maternal GP's just cannot be arsed with them one little bit. Poor DC have been asking all afternoon what time they are going to arrive.

AIBU to think that they could have balanced their afternoon better, knowing that it's the only chance for us all to see each other for a while and even if things had so grossly run over with their friends (it was lunch FFS) then they could have called to explain that they were delayed....

OP posts:

halcyondays · 12/04/2012 09:25

Yanbu, surely they could spare a couple of hours out of their busy schedule to see their gc.

gazzalw · 12/04/2012 09:28

Yes, the words 'set in their ways' spring to mind.

DW has this problem. Took DCs to see her parents at Easter and was told that she should have asked etc.... Only went because the children wanted to see their grandparents and hadn't seen them for six months. They only ever set foot out of their comfort zone to visit their siblings/Uni friends.

A lot of this is about controlling behaviour by grandparents but goodness knows why!

Vix286 · 12/04/2012 09:40

I have the same issue with FIL, he lives 20 minutes away and he only comes and sees DD once a month at the most and like you OP it's because he is "in the area" or "on the way too...."

He stays 30 minutes maxium, drinks half a cup of coffee, checks his watch and gets upset that my 8 month old DD won't be cuddled by him as she doesn't recognise him from one month to the next!

I constantly badger my DH to invite him over, but he is always busy, we asked him to come to dinner on his birthday with us and he said he was going up to the pub to sit on his own and have a steak!

MIL died a few years ago and he has had an on/off girlfriend he fights with and sometimes I wonder if she doesn't like him coming over (we do invite her too and she does come) but when he isn't with her he still won't come.

I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing DH to try to organise things as it makes it worse for DH when he gets the rebuff!

Sorry to rant

rainbowinthesky · 12/04/2012 09:44

I would be tempted to tell them I wasn't going to be in each time they came to visit as a by product of visiting their friends (unless of course they visit you quite happily at other times). You are more gracious than me.

fanniadams · 12/04/2012 10:07

I have a similar problem. My father has never met my DC3 and 4! He lives abroad but has been in the uk several times since DC3 was born and even refused to let me come to visit as he was 'decorating' the uk house :(

My DB died 10 years ago at 22 and so my 4 are the only DGC he is going to have!

My father is now been diagnosed with a terminal condition. :(so may not ever get to meet them and DC3 starts school this year! My DD loves talking to "computer grandad" on skype, DH father passed away the year she was born and it makes me sooo sad because I had a terrific bond with my GDad! The older ones are equally bemused by his absence

Ephiny · 12/04/2012 10:16

I don't think their dog being left alone is a 'trivial matter'. If you take that attitude towards a member of their family, I'm not surprised they aren't interested in giving up their time to fuss over your kids.

Also if they have a dog to consider, they can't just decide to stay overnight at a moment's notice, kennels/boarding/sitter has to be arranged well in advance.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/04/2012 10:24

Only on MN could a rant about parents turn into a dog care issue .

Ephiny - OP has already explained about the dog in a subsequent post.

OP - How old are your parents?

girlywhirly · 12/04/2012 11:32

I would feel hurt too. I think you should talk with them about this, say how you feel second best to their friends, and that your DC think their GP's don't want to see them as their visits are so short/infrequent. Suggest that they visit either their friends or you because combining the two leaves your DC worse off for time with their GP's. Make it clear that it is no bother for them to stay overnight if they want to, and that the dog will be fine with your DSIS, but check with her in advance if she's happy to have the dog overnight.

I don't think it would hurt to say that the DC are growing up so fast, they will soon have other things that they will prioritise over visits with GP's they hardly see. This may not have occurred to your parents. But it's also possible that they find a full day with the DGC a bit exhausting.

I do agree with posters who find older relatives get set in their ways, and changing appointments seems like a big deal to them. I have found that everything takes longer for them to do as well. Just getting out of the door for the day for my mum meant checking she had medication with her, spare shoes in case her feet hurt, clothing for every weather possibility, and so on. It used to irritate me that she couldn't seem to sort these things out the day before when she knew she was going out and it wasn't unplanned.

ssd · 12/04/2012 11:57

op, YANBU, it must be very hurtful for you

my mum is too old to visit and I have no other family, but I know if she was a lot younger she'd come over to see the kids more

yakbutter · 12/04/2012 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelico · 12/04/2012 12:16

OP - sympathy. I think the post Rose left at the start is pretty good. WHy don't you raise this with your parents and tell them how you feel? Tell them that you are concerned that your DC are growing up with no bond with them. And if they are being odd about it, it wouldn't do any harm to spell out why those bonds will be important in the future. I have watched a few older relatives lose their friends over a period of years and family has become more and more important to them. But these relatives never neglected us so we had strong bonds and made a point of seeing them as much as we could, especially the childless ones.

Angelico · 12/04/2012 12:18

And :o at the dog lovers getting more indignant about the dog (which OP did explain) than about the children.

BupcakesandCunting · 12/04/2012 12:23

"I don't think their dog being left alone is a 'trivial matter'. If you take that attitude towards a member of their family, I'm not surprised they aren't interested in giving up their time to fuss over your kids."

It's a DOG. FFS.

Chubfuddler · 12/04/2012 12:36

My aunt and uncle didn't come to ds's christening because they usually gave lunch at 12.30 and the christening (ten minute service followed by huge buffet with more food than they could ever need) was at 12.30. And they live fifteen minutes from me.

After a few incidents like this my mum still can't understand why I can't be arsed with them.

They're 62 so hardly elderly. It's the routine thing. I hope someone puts me down if I ever get like that.

Chubfuddler · 12/04/2012 12:36

I heart bupcakes.

jamdonut · 12/04/2012 12:43

I had this problem with my mum and step-dad. They hardly ever came to us. and when they did, my mum would be clock watching and at the most would stay for 2 hours. But I put it down to her trying to please my step-father and not wanting him put out in any way. They lived 35 miles away, a 40-50 minute drive. I used to do all the running to enable my kids relationship with them.Since my mum died a couple of years ago, I have tried to maintain the relationship with my step-dad. But if I didn't do all the running, he would never see them, even though he looks forward to them coming.
I have the opposite problem with the in-laws who think our sole purpose in life is to provide them with entertainment. They live 3 miles away. They would be in our house every day, if we let them, despite the fact that all MIL does is sit and criticise the children . And us.

jamdonut · 12/04/2012 12:45

Oh and mum and step-dad's dog was always their excuse too, even though I had no problem with it being in our house and garden,if they wanted to bring it. Despite our owning a cat.

Shagmundfreud · 12/04/2012 12:46

My mum won't come over because she doesn't like going on the train (30 minutes), won't drive (got a car but won't take it out of the village), and can't won't leave the dogs on their own for more than 3 hours.

She came back from Australia a month ago so she's clearly capable of coping with travel.

TBH at the moment I feel it's a blessing - she's so intolerant of ds2 who has ASD that visits are torture.

Ephiny · 12/04/2012 12:47

Dogs are actually a fantastic excuse for avoiding social occasions and relatives you don't want to see .

Chubfuddler · 12/04/2012 12:50

My husband has had to put up with his parents dogs being more important to them for his entire life. It's not a matter for some people.

youbethemummylion · 12/04/2012 12:52

My parents only visit if they are in the area for work (about twice a year) they only live 2 hrs away and regularly do a 5 hr drive to visit friends. Even then they will arrive about 12ish insist on taking us out for lunch even though the DS's would rather stay in so they can actually play with their grandparents than have to sit nicely and behave (we never get taken anywhere child friendly) Then although they are staying in hotel to do work next day they leave at about 4 don't stay for tea. So the 4hrs we get is mostly spent in a restaurant with the kids bored, me stressing because they are acting bored and getting 'the look' from Mum because they aren't behaving impecably!

YANBU

DrunkenDaisy · 12/04/2012 12:54

God you sound like a pain in the arse. They've brought you up and now they want to see their friends. So what. I don't blame them.

You sound like a right winger. Why the fuck should she rearrange her hair appointment.

Maybe she just finds your kids really boring at this age and will be better once they're teens. I can't stand having to spend hours and hours with tedious little ones. Relatives or not.

BupcakesandCunting · 12/04/2012 12:56

DrunkenDaisy, you sound like a treasure. I bet your social diary is bursting.

Kaluki · 12/04/2012 12:57

My ex MIL is like this and my dc haven't seen her since Christmas and before then it was about 8 months.
When they were babies she was all over them and couldn't see enough of them but once the novelty wore off she lost interest
Her loss.
I feel for you OP - if my parents were like this it would break my heart.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 12:57

Ah that's sad. Have you tried talking to them about it?

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