To be pissed off with parents - just can't be bothered with the DC?

[AnonymousBird]

Need to be quick - parents turning up in ten minutes.

We don't see much of them, live just a bit too far apart to make it easy to link up. We are constrained by school, work etc, they are retired but completely mobile and healthy. They phoned last week to say they were coming to see their friends who live approx 30 minutes from us and would like to come and see us too. I had assumed to stay the night, as it's quite a drive to do there and back in one day and said, great, see you then. They phoned yesterday to confirm and I said "hope you'll stay for supper and the night". Got a short rebuke from mother dear - of course we can't.

So they said, they were meeting friends for lunch around Noon, would have lunch, coffee, chat etc, and then head to us for the afternoon. Mum texted half an hour ago (just before 6) with the shortest text - yesterday when we spoke she said she would phone as I have very little phone signal here and that, so texting is unreliable as she well knows. They are arriving in ten minutes and only staying for half an hour.

We only see them every 2 - 3 months - and now we are graced with barely 30 minutes of their presence, despite the fact that their friends got 6 hours.

And from the second they get here I know, just KNOW that Mum will be clock watching and nagging Dad to leave because they've left the dog behind or some other such trivial matter. Then she will panic about the state of the traffic on the motorway and such and such and then they will leave as fast as they arrived.

LIVID! DC will be disappointed again that their maternal GP's just cannot be arsed with them one little bit. Poor DC have been asking all afternoon what time they are going to arrive.

AIBU to think that they could have balanced their afternoon better, knowing that it's the only chance for us all to see each other for a while and even if things had so grossly run over with their friends (it was lunch FFS) then they could have called to explain that they were delayed....

Tis true Bupcakes!

No Changes to The Routine!

Drives me mental.

But think my Mum has always been like this. When we were kids the rota was this

Mon - Mahooosive Cleaning Day
Tue - Baking Day
Wed - Visit Granny
Thur - Ironing Day
Fri - Dreaded Sainsburys!

I cannot have any routine at all. I clean it when I can and I bake if I can be bovvered!

OP you are not 'emotionally dependant' on your parents - you would just like them to have a better relationship with your children. I get that.

I think the point is that's exactly the thing that's upsetting for some people, didl.

i can beat that. my mother forgot the name of her DGD2. then concocted some cock and bull story about alzheimers (she doesn't)

my sympathies. it seems everyone i know has hands on grandparents. my inlaws would get stuck in but FIL has parkinsons so they can't

I have had this situation with my parents since my first son was born over 21 years ago.

I eventually said to them that they were welcome to visit any time they wanted, just to let me know and left it at that. They've probably been over to stay with us five times in that time.

I don't get upset or annoyed about it anymore, I accept that that's the way they are and just leave them to it.

All I can say is thank goodness my in-laws aren't the same.

It would drive me crazy if my parents started phoning me every week! We're all different though, I guess if it upsets you so much it might be worth trying to talk to them about it, in my experience though the older people get the less likely they are to change, or to want to listen to any criticism/suggestions.

Not sure about grandparents having 'relationships' with children, what happened to just sending a card with a fiver in on birthdays, and occasionally turning up to dispense tooth-achingly tough toffees and demand the dreaded wrinkly kiss before leaving?

I feel the same. DH and I call our parents once per week to catch up, but I'd go mad if they were pestering us all the time. I do not have a land line for this reason.

Is it possible that they know you are busy & feel like they are intruding if they stay too long?

I know my MIL always wanted to leave at a certain time to miss traffic/have evening meal at home.

Tbh, they were always uncomfortable being out of their home.

I don´t think they could ever quite grasp not being in charge in their son´s home.

We are abroad & they have never visited-their only child & only GC!

They just won´t put in an effort-it´s their way or no way!

Have you spoken to them about this? I only ask because my grandparents were this exact way, not with me so much but my brother who's 10 years younger. They live 1-2 hours drive away (they've built a new road that's cut the journey time down since we've grown up) and would always visit in the middle of the day when my brother was at school, visiting a garden centre or car boot on the way and then always leave about 10 minutes before he was due to walk through the door. They'd blame 'rush hour traffic' that they wanted to miss but we're talking about 3.30-4pm, not 5 or 6.

My brother was so upset every time to learn he'd missed his grandparents yet again. We did visit them as well but for some reason (perhaps people just get more selfish in old age) they never seemed as bothered with him as they were with me or my other brother. It was as if they'd 'had their children' and had enough of grandchildren too.

I really wish my mum had spoken to them about it. Something along the lines of "your grandchildren are really starting to notice the lack of effort you put in to see them. They're interested in having a relationship with you and that desire won't last forever" - she never did and when my grandpa died both my brother's were completely switched off to him emotionally. They feel so bitterly towards him, and to be honest I think he brought it on himself. Such a shame they couldn't be the grandparents I knew to my siblings.

Anyway.. I think you should tell them how you feel, tell them that at the moment your children WANT to see them but if they carry on disappointing them that will change. If they can't be bothered to maintain a relationship fair enough (well not really but it's their call) but if they do want one they need to put the effort in.. I'm sorry for your situation I really am, but I guess you can't force people to see how wonderful your children are if they don't want to see it... Even if they are their grandparents

Oh, my in laws too.

Kids wouldnt recognise them in the street!

He has recently died and she has become slightly more interested.

Prior to that, it was an annual train tip to our house (1 hr 15), so kids didnt mess up theirs.

Arrive on 12.30 train, lunch at 1, back on the 4.00.

Usually at Xmas (for which read mid- late November).

However they did mention the odd trip to our town for shopping, the new Ikea, etc, and didnt call in.

Unbelievably, she used to be a primary school teacher.

why don't you visit them?

I am visiting them, next week, like I said, rearranging a whole load of stuff to make it happen (sorry, don't mean to sound like a martyr, just that I am prepared to make an effort to try and strengthen the relationship between GP's and my DC).

I couldn't give two hoots personally as to how it impacts on me, or does or does not affect me, but I just think that they, as GP's and my children, as their GC's could, possibly, have a really great relationship. They are not old GP's, hopefully have many many years left in them, so they could form a real bond.

OH AND I EXPLAINED ABOUT THE DOG BY THE WAY, I EVEN APOLOGISED FOR TYPING IN A HURRY BECAUSE THE PARENTS WERE ABOUT TO TURN UP AND NOT EXPLAINING PROPERLY FIRST TIME ROUND. And I am a dog owner and lover.

I think you might have to have a talk with them and stress how upset the kids were. They might be living in a bubble and not realise what upset they are causing. I know my mum waits for an 'invite' to my brothers incase she feels like shes 'intruding' and he moans that she hardly ever visits!
It might be worth having a good old chat next week on your visit and clearing the air.
There might be a reason for it. Theres always 2 sides to every story. Plus if I was meeting up with my friends - I'd probably prefer that to family! (tongue in cheek - sort of - by the way!)

I agree. Rather than being upset and angry, speak to them. TracyK outlined an issue that has happened in my own family (and we all really like eachother and get on!). My parents always waited to be invited, out of politeness and fear of intruding when they knew parents were both working and very busy. So you could be making some massive assumptions about their motives.

Yes plenty of people would be complaining (you can find lots of threads on here I'm sure!) about parents/ILs turning up without invitation, wanting to visit too often, staying too long, expecting to stay overnight etc. It can be a difficult thing to get right, better to talk about it than let the resentment build up.

I'm sure you can work out an arrangement that works for all of you, with a bit of discussion and compromise.

My god, I could've written this myself!