To wonder why some women feel the need to portray themselves as perfect?

[Itsjustannoying]

After having my dc and being thrust into the world of domestic, erm, bliss at 26 I found it really difficult to keep the house clean, do the washing for everyone, tidy up after everyone, cook dinner, look after the baby, make myself look presentable and all the while cooking muffins. My life previous to having dc included working, going to the pub to see my friends, nightclubs every other weekend and I didn't have to do much to make myself look good so I found it a massive struggle to deal with all of the above 'duties' (which I thought were all my responsibility, not anymore).

I went to the baby groups and every woman I met seemed to have a perfectly kept house, immaculate hair and cooked an Annabel Karmel meal for their children every night so it put me off. I met one mum through a dh's work colleague who professed to me that she never let her husband see one of her dc's toys on the floor and everything was always perfect by the time he got home, she was also very 'stepford wives'.

I felt really inadequate for whole of my dc's infancy and only questioned whether what these women told me was true when my dh went to his work colleague's house and told me it was an utter tip with clothes and dirty plates and toys everywhere (apparently it's like this most of the time according to colleague). I have no problem with the mess at all I just don't understand the need to make people think you are perfect?

Oh notforlong don't exhaust yourself .

There is plenty of middle ground between show home and hideous tip.

Ours is generally fine, but that's because we have oodles of space and a housekeeper. The worst room is definitely my study .

"There is plenty of middle ground between show home and hideous tip."

Absolutely, wordfactory. This is really the issue. You want some sort of background of furniture/furnishings/decoration that has harmony and practicality in it, but it needs to look as if real human beings with real lives (which are work in progress) live in it and are allowed space to develop and create.

And these are the most welcoming, comfortable homes, (IMO)

I am mortified if somebody turns up and the house isn't perfect, I feel like it's a bad reflection on me.

When lo was a couple of months the house was a catastrophe because both dp and I were too exhausted to do anything. A friend came to visit with her 2 year old, took one look at my messy kitchen with half a weeks worth of dishes in the sink and decided it must now be perfectly acceptable to change her childs disgusting shitty nappy on my kitchen table.

She's never been allowed back and since then nobody is allowed into my home unless it is up to standard. I don't ever want anybody feeling comfortable enough to disrespect me and my home like that again.

But what is perfect? Nothing untoward to behold? Or some WIP hanging around in a generally well thought out home?

bobbledunk that happened because that person is revolting, not because your house was a mess.

A friend of mine home educates a tribe of DC and her house is a thing of mythology...but none of us would ever dream of doing anything disrespectful.

Please don't put yourself under pressure to keep your home, or indeed anyhting, perfect. It as absolutely not neccessary. Indeed it should reflect you, your family and everyone's happiness.

I'm so pleased it's not just me that has come up against this! I really am happy for those women who manage it all and those kind of women (to me) don't tend to make comment about it or rub it in your face.

The women (and thinking of one particular woman) I was talking about were those who are the look down their nose type who don't show any vulnerability. She gave me tips on how to make my house smell nice before she'd even visited it and without me asking for one (If I want that I'd be straight on mumsnet). Spent our playdates at her house talking about her cleaning and berated an online shopping site I like as cheap last seasons tat (I got a marc jacobs bag for £2 and was over the moon with it). I opened up and told her when my dh lost his job and she didn't call me again until he had a new one. She is no longer a friend obviously. I did have pnd and wondered whether I needed to live up to a standard I couldn't achieve it made me feel really guilt ridden, I do accept this is my fault as I should have cut ties with her and others the same.

Just to re-iterate it is the fake perfect women with no flaws that I have a problem with, not the ones who are perfect because being perfect surely means having some flaws.

I am pregnant with dc2 now and we have moved since so hoping to find some real mums this time around, any tips on where to find them?

The perfect home is one that shows its human side. The industrially designed/produced show home is beyond tiresome. All I want to know about is what individuals can create for themselves (but I do want it to by hygienic!).

be hygienic

You know some of my friends do indeed have immaculate homes, look gorgeous all the time.....and some expect husband to come home and cook and clean......and then most of us are somewhere in between.

But I just think that is their character type....they need to keep order to feel okay and that is okay with me.....we are all different. I am not threatened by people oing things differently as I am confident what I am doing is best for me to stay sane and happy. Happy mum equals happy family.

However I am aware I have a lazier streak than those friends which I try to keep in check a little so when I see their tidy homes whilst I do not want to mimic them it does inspire me to maybe do a bit more than I do do as I see it is possible to pull that off, but there is a cost which is usually those friends just do not stop.....if they have half an hour whilst baby naps, they choose to clean. I choose to nap or sit watching a bit of mindless tv with a hot chocolate.
I always have dinner ready for husband and get out doing fun stuff every morning with my ds, and for me those are my priorities.

I certainly do not think badly of the people who run a tight ship.....part of me admires their domestic work ethic but I do think it comes naturally to them. I do not think they are masquerading as perfect.....they just cannot be with mess and dirt and a washed out visage in the way I can so very comfortably.
We bring our characters to mothering with all their strengths and weaknesses and just need to learn to accept that others will do things differently to us because of who they are and their priorities.

Ps

Some people are just snobs that get off on telling you how to do it and how superior they are....easy to spot and easy to avoid....just like being at school, there are people you gravitate to and others you do not connect with.
I have met the nicest people since becoming a mum......but I have actively avoided the ones that I just did not click with so maybe you are better off without that particular friend op.
Generally I think most people are pretty nice and children are the big leveler.

ha blood ha, I love the way life comes back round. The house was a shit tip.

I used to live opposite s steppy, she was foul. She used knock on without me inviting her (cardinal sin) and say things like, I have standards you know. I have standards too in the sort of friends I have, not ones like her. bint

I am so grateful to not ave been born a perfectionist.....it is a dreadful weight upon someone I suspect......you can be a perfectionist without making others feel lesser than you.
Mind I had a female boss who was a perfectionist...kind of....and very insecure. The worst combination in someone who has power over you i think.

She was a nightmare and frankly made me never want a female boss again... I know ridiculous prejudice but that is how most humans are......so yes perfectionists can have an impact on those around them. I am grateful I am not married to one......my dh is as happy to reside in the usual mess as I am and is incredibly appreciative whenever I do a big tidy up. He sits gazing at each room in gratitude......so this is the reward for the slattern.

Perfectionism is also the enemy of achievement.
You need to be able to do a lot of things to a good standard and then move on.

There are only so many hours in the day. You can only do so much.

I have such a crush on Lequeen. I am completely the same I have to say. I am not neurotic. My children aren't sacred of dropping crumbs. I am not dettolling madly to mask an inner sadness. I just really like having a tidy organised house.

everything in it's place shouldn't have an apostrophe, LeQ

I can't live in chaos. It makes me feel on edge and stressed. I am very organised and minimilistic.
When dcs were small ( there's 2.7 years between), Everything was tidied away before 5pm so I could spend the evening in a non cluttered room.
I had a tumbledryer and dishwasher, so the kitchen area was reasonably presentable.

Every week, I would have 4 3 year olds round for the afternoon to give other mums a break....we did it on a rota basis so we all got an afternoon off a week. So my house wasn't a show home...but it went back to its tidy condition at 5pm.
We never had loads of toys either...brio train set and a small kitchen were the main attractions.