To wonder why some women feel the need to portray themselves as perfect?

[Itsjustannoying]

After having my dc and being thrust into the world of domestic, erm, bliss at 26 I found it really difficult to keep the house clean, do the washing for everyone, tidy up after everyone, cook dinner, look after the baby, make myself look presentable and all the while cooking muffins. My life previous to having dc included working, going to the pub to see my friends, nightclubs every other weekend and I didn't have to do much to make myself look good so I found it a massive struggle to deal with all of the above 'duties' (which I thought were all my responsibility, not anymore).

I went to the baby groups and every woman I met seemed to have a perfectly kept house, immaculate hair and cooked an Annabel Karmel meal for their children every night so it put me off. I met one mum through a dh's work colleague who professed to me that she never let her husband see one of her dc's toys on the floor and everything was always perfect by the time he got home, she was also very 'stepford wives'.

I felt really inadequate for whole of my dc's infancy and only questioned whether what these women told me was true when my dh went to his work colleague's house and told me it was an utter tip with clothes and dirty plates and toys everywhere (apparently it's like this most of the time according to colleague). I have no problem with the mess at all I just don't understand the need to make people think you are perfect?

Agree forehead. Some people just don't think it's good manners to moan and complain.

Most people have to get the same tasks done, but some make a competition out of announcing the negative things, so that everyone can congratulate them on how "honest" they are, compared to the "picture perfect ones" - who actually have just the same problems but politely keep it to themselves.

Envy

I don't think its about envy. And I don't think admitting to being human is moaning and complaining. I don't feel intimidated by people who always look tidy or are great cooks or whatever. But I do feel uncomfortable around people who never admit to any imperfection and seem to be looking down their noses at anyone who's a bit scattered or untidy or occasionally messes up. I don't know many people like that, but I have worked with one or two and it's very hard to warm to them.

lilblonde thanks for ur reply, I wrote a long one back but lost it,, can't even get that right!
I'm a disorganized mess, DC1 has apparently forgotten how to feed herself since DC2 came along. They need/ want so much input I feel suffocated at times!
I try and complete chores at night but it results in total exhaustion and total cockups!
I'm lucky my DH is ubers tidy which tales a lot of pressure off but I still struggle to achieve much of anything during the day........
I can no longer use slings due to physical limitations and it seems every time I put baby down he screams and toddler is playing up so much demanding attention all the time!
And I struggle to start the day if I haven't managed some aspect of grooming, it can be as simple as brushing my hair which some days I don't even get to do let alone a bit of mascara, I just don't know how people do it and yes I am jealous!!!

Aaaargh!!

It's pretty insecure behaviour to NEVER admit to doing anything wrong, isnt it?! Envy indeed, that made me chuckle!

Me too, Margueritaa

It's pretty insecure behaviour to want or need someone to admit that anything is wrong.
They MAY just have the 'perfect' life for them. They may have had difficult times in the past and are therefore grateful for their lot. They may feel that it is wrong to complain about what they may regard as the 'little ' issues.
However, if the person concerned is trying to be competitive, then simply AVOID them.

Perfectionism, whether the seeking of it, or the pretense of it are both utterly corrosive...because it is frankly unachievable.

As the saying goes, there is always someone richer, prettier and thinner than you. Similarly there is always someone with a nicer home, cleverer children and a loyalty card at Harvey Nicks.

All our lives are a work in progress.

this woman at my old place of work swore blind that she never farted. She was a knob

It's not a failing to admit things are going tits up, on any particular day you know, forehead

It's just called life

There is a valid social reason for admitting failings to other people. All animals show weakness to their closest allies - it's about trust and building a bond. You only have to portray strength to people who are a threat. Being friends with someone who is relentlessly positive and never ever admits any problem is rather soul destroying as it feels like that person doesn't trust you enough to let you in to their private thoughts. I have a friend visiting tomorrow who is a lovely lovely person but after 15 years of friendship I hardly know her because she never ever talks about anything close to her heart. It is very frustrating and I think if she opened up we would be a lot closer. But I can't force her to do that and I do think she is a wonderful person so I will persevere in the hope that one day she trusts me enough to open up.

I agree that there's no need to tell your problems to all and sundry but opening up to a friend is a gift IMO.

I also think being able to throw your hands up and say "I'm not coping I need help" now and again is a real sign of true strength.

forehead I agree that some poeple feel the need to search out the fly in the ointment, certain that a happy exterior, masks inner sadness.

I am an absurd Pollyanna and rarely complain. I drive everyone mad wiht a Davina-like cheerfulness.

And actually my life is pretty tickety boo and it would be ungrateful of me not to acknolwedge that by moaning about rubbish.

But, I don't pretend my life is perfect. That nothing could be improved.
A life without constant forward motion and self improvement would surely be ...well...lifeless.
Those people, most often women, who are convinced that they have found the only and the best way to run their lives are corrosive to be around because they seek to undermine other ways of living as inferior. If you think about it, they have to do that, otherwise their life wouldn't be perfect.

Avoid such people like the plague.

Agree that you certainly pick and choose who you tell, CailinDana, I mean, who of us really tells a random mum at the school gates everything that's going wrong for them at that moment? No many would. Just as telling a good friend those things isnt a failing, just a sharing of stuff that happens to everyone from time to time. It doesn't have to be dramatic or seen as over-sharing, it's just pretty normal behaviour.

Just to add my twopeneth here......

I live by the motto:

"Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy"

This wqas burnt into a wooden plaque that hung on the wall in my mum's kitchen for the whole of my childhood - I don't know where it ever went, but it's stuck with me and I absolutely live by it.

My house is essentially clean and hygienic in that surfaces and floors get washed and wiped with some regualarity, the same goes for hoovering, the carpets get done every couple of days or more if needed.

Otherwise, what state you will find our house in at any given time is anyones' guess!

Of course I like it to be completely immacualte at all times to be tidy, but a show home?? Nah, not for me!! Our house is home, and it's lived in and just like everyone else who rents, we still do the mad dash round thing when we know the landlord is coming for 3 monthly inspection!!!

I do like to tidy the kids toys up when they've gone to bed, simply because it makes "our time" seem a bit more like ours - rather than being sat in what can only be described as an exploded toy shop!!

These women who spend their days cleaning tidying cooking doing their hair etc etc while waiting for DH to return from work to a spectacularly clean house and smiling clean children and a wonderfully home cooked meal, do they really exist outside of movies????? Really??

I think one thing perfectionists lack is a sense of humour. They can't laugh at themselves and poke fun of their little ups and downs.

And because of that, others don't take to them.

It's not just women Babylon. I had my SAHD friend over earlier with his daughter and he was talking about all the housework he does in a day - it's madness! Thing is, he hardly brings his daughter anywhere and she's very nervous around other children. She's a lovely little thing, very bright, but she could do with less time watching her dad cleaning and more time out and about IMO. I've only been to his house once and it was immaculate, absolutely spotless. He's not competitive about though, I think he just feels obligated to do it as his wife did the same when she was on ML.

I love that motto, Babylon1 - perfect!

My SIL is like this. I couldn't stand her when I first met her. Materialistic, bitter, competitive and a generally not very nice person. Sports car, expensive clothes, immaculate house but by God, didn't everyone know about it. Constantly.(We are in the same sort of income bracket but have two children so a more practical car and destroyed lived-in house so I wasn't jealous in that way)

Then as I spent more time with her I found out she was jealous of almost everyone (me included which really shocked me as I am everything she is disdainful of to my face), has very few friends and that her partner speaks to her like rubbish, cheats on her a lot and is unwilling to get married. Now I see that it all comes from insecurity I find it easier to be around her and I'm almost understanding of her attitude. It's still very sad though, she'd be much happier without him.

I reckon there is probably some story behind women like this. Nobody should be a complete knob for no reason.

My house is always perfect, I like it that way. I will suffer from exhaustion before I will let it be any other way.

The reason is because my DM was too lazy to ever do any housework. I was too embarrassed to invite friends in.

Come to my house at 8 pm and my down stairs is spotless come at 6 is a total bomb site.

I am not perfect, but great at hiding mess of the day lol

I've also perfected the art of hiding the mess of the day!!! I LOVE big cupboard under the stairs, and dumping ground room at the front of the house that is rarely used and door can be shut tight when necessary!!

I'm genuinely surprised at the way some people feel about housework and cleaning, and though I'm never embarrased to invite someone into my home because of a lack of cleanliness/tidiness, I do expect that my friends will take me as they find me and if they don't like it, they can sod off!!!

I did go through a period maybe 12 months ago where I was pretty neurotic about cleaning and tidying, and put it above all else. It took by BFF pointing out that I was starting to get a bit OCD about it all to make me realise that there is more to life than a tidy house!! I was a bit OTT though to be honest - I'd get very stressed if a DVD didn't go back into the alphabetical order I'd put them in, and I couldn't leave it, I had to do it. Likewise a lot of other things that actually are very unimportant - and my DCs were missing out because of it. DH had tried to tell me in a round about kind of way, but BFF was just blunt, to the point and just came out with it - "you're getting a bit OCD about some of this aren't you? Does it really make a difference?"

I'm so glad she did that!!!

My house is pretty awful. The carpet has disappeared underneath a layer of plastic cars.
DS's favourite meal is waffles, fish and beans. He has it at least twice a week. On the rare occasions I cook from scratch he invariably rejects it.

People have different concepts of perfection. I have friends who have "show homes" that look as if their rooms come straight out of the World of Interiors/Elle Decoration/IDEAT (or, much worse, the IKEA catalogue). I have perfectionist tendencies but I like change in my home and want things to move around and look as if something is happening all the time! Right now DD has an exhibition of her works of art in the hall... I am clearly her greatest fan, but I would much rather look at her latest creation than some expensive permanent work of art.