To wonder why some women feel the need to portray themselves as perfect?

[Itsjustannoying]

After having my dc and being thrust into the world of domestic, erm, bliss at 26 I found it really difficult to keep the house clean, do the washing for everyone, tidy up after everyone, cook dinner, look after the baby, make myself look presentable and all the while cooking muffins. My life previous to having dc included working, going to the pub to see my friends, nightclubs every other weekend and I didn't have to do much to make myself look good so I found it a massive struggle to deal with all of the above 'duties' (which I thought were all my responsibility, not anymore).

I went to the baby groups and every woman I met seemed to have a perfectly kept house, immaculate hair and cooked an Annabel Karmel meal for their children every night so it put me off. I met one mum through a dh's work colleague who professed to me that she never let her husband see one of her dc's toys on the floor and everything was always perfect by the time he got home, she was also very 'stepford wives'.

I felt really inadequate for whole of my dc's infancy and only questioned whether what these women told me was true when my dh went to his work colleague's house and told me it was an utter tip with clothes and dirty plates and toys everywhere (apparently it's like this most of the time according to colleague). I have no problem with the mess at all I just don't understand the need to make people think you are perfect?

I have three ds's, aged 6mths to 8yrs and my dh works away at least one wk per month. I get up between 5:30 and 06:00 every morning. I wash and dry my hair, put on a little make up, make sure my fingers and toes are respectable (not chipped), then start breakfasts etc. I make sure my two eldest are showered and the littleun washed then dress them all and do the school run. I then spend my days batch cooking baby food, cooking for family meals, baking, volunteering in ds1&2's primary school, scrubbing the house, ironing for a couple of hours and grabbing quick coffees with a couple of friends. After I pick up the eldest two it's either karate, swimming or the library, then dinner as soon as we are home. After I get the two oldest to bed I bath littleun then finish any toy tidying/ironing etc before crawling into bed and I'm up twice/three times in the night feeding. My friends think I'm perfect, and say they envy my spotless house, homemaking etc (probably call me a bitch behind my back). I can't tell them that I'm not perfect - far from it, I'm fucked! Absolutely fucked! I just need everything to be just so, and am terrified that if I don't keep on top of it it will all fall apart and then I won't be able to cope at all.

I see a mum at school who makes me feel DEEPLY inadequate. Not intentionally mind!

She's stunning, same age as me - 45 - but could pass for 30, she works f/t, her kids are always well turned out, as is she, and the whole family looks like they belong in a cereal advert. And she's NICE and extremely bright.

Dropped one of her kids home the other day - only teenage son was home but managed to get invited in, ostensibly to see her dd's new kittens but actually to see if her house was as perfect as she is.

Well - how overjoyed was I to find out her house is a shit tip (literally - she clearly hadn't cleaned the cats litter tray out for at least a week)!

God - I like her SO much more now. ]

Point being OP - don't take anything at face value. Nobody's THAT perfect.

Everlong I'm not trying to have a go at you at all, you sound great :) When I mentioned tidying up toys I mean putting them away even though the child wants them not after they're finished :)

maybe they do things their way and you do it yours - if you CHOOSE to let their actions make you feel bad that is another issue

not sure why other people should let their houses get messy to make you feel better

Working lone mum of 3 with a clean tidy house, ironed clothes hanging in the wardrobes and a mixture of freezer shite and real food fed to the smalls - not because I am competing with anyone but because that's how I like it!

Show me someone with a perfect life and I will show you someone who is giving an oscar winning performance.

I really don't believe they're all secretly hiding dirty houses and sausage rolls. Of my friends with babies and toddlers, we all see each other very often, so no time for special tidying, but the houses are clean, we all wear a bit of makeup and make an effort, cook nice food... And of course we all play with our DC and let them climb on the furniture!

I don't know id it's because we were / are all in careers that demand extremely high organisational skills. I don't know.

And as someone pointed out above, none of us has more than 2 DC :)

Anyway, my point is theyight not be lying...

Lilblonde: just wonder what you do with your 6 month old while you're so busy during the day? I feel I can't breathe between my toddler and baby and can barely scrape together breakfast, dinner and tea for the three of us each day as well as the myriad other chores whilst interracting with the DCs at the same time!

I'm not saying they're lying but I don't think anyone's life is 'perfect'. Just because someone is always beautifully groomed, has a tidy house and makes fabulous cup cakes doesn't mean they have a trouble free life. I just don't judge people's lives by appearance any more because I know of so many people who are concealing (often bravely) sad or difficult problems or situations behind perfect facades.

Why do people always assume that others are depressed or hiding something if they are well turned out.?
I get up at 5am to give my house a quick once over.
I wear makeup every day
I have a full time job
My children are well turned out
I cook (sometimes)

I am not DEPRESSED or PERFECT. I am ORGANISED.
I would feel depressed if my house was a shithole.
I don't feel the need to be perfect, I jist try to do the best that i can.

It's never worried me and I became a parent at the same age as you. I look groomed when i'm outside my house, but don't you dare come inside as it'll ruin the illusion that I have it all under control!

I don't expect my house to be tidy until the children leave home, so only another 18 or so years to go.

I don't think I've ever talked to a woman like this, but I see some women at the gym who look like they live this kind of life.

Why didn't that work?

when I say "at the gym", I may be glossing over the fact that DD was doing a dance class and I was having a burger, chips and beer in the gym cafe just waiting

It's not about people being well turned out....! It's about people being competitive and braggy and one-upmanship-y.

The two keepers of ridiculously tidy houses I can think of are both divorced.

The one who thought white carpets and white furniture were a good idea when pregnant for the first time, has been divorced twice and she could afford a cleaner.

Just like money a tidy house doesn't guarantee happiness.

speshulbroo, I just cart him around with me - he's either in a sling, sitting in his high chair watching me, playing on his gym mat etc, when we are at lessons I walk him around in his pram or play with toys with him or maybe look at a picture book. At home if he has a nap I just wheel his basket into whichever room I'm working in.

These women who are 'perfect' and don't admit to failings or problems in their lives, what do they talk about to their friends?! Surely a huge part of the bonding process when having friends is discussing the rubbish things that happen to you, as well as the fab things?

Surely no one goes about their lives with nothing negative happening to them occasionally?! Even tripping up in the street or your child embarrassing you and having a tantrum happens to most people, or having a bad day at work? I find a self deprecating person far more interesting that someone who gives the impression that they are flawless.

Why 'pretend' to be perfect?! Nobody is. I am organised and like a tidy house but I'm by no means perfect, I mess up, do silly things, and say stupid things. That's what makes us human and not androids.

Btw, I realise how incredibly lucky I am to have a little one who is DI content during the day, although realise this will change when he becomes more mobile!

I agree with HowAbout. I keep my place really really tidy and never go out without make up and would always dress carefully for work.
However, my car is a tip, I am always late paying bills and I put off going to doctors and opticians or getting the car serviced until I absolutely have to.
I would not feel comfortable around someone who admitted to no failings, no mishaps and no insecurities.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this thread is? Some women feel better about themselves and their lives if they are groomed and have a vaguely tidy house. Some women don't. Some women have a lot of support and are organised enough to achieve tidiness, some aren't that lucky.

Does it really matter? If such women make you feel inadequate, why not look at what it is in your own situation that makes you feel that way, and change it.

It doesn't bother me if other mums are cooking AK food because we agree to do BLW. We're happy with our choice, another person's choice does not make me feel inferior in any way.

All smacks of a little bit of envy if you ask me.
Why should people have to admit to mishaps and inecurities to make others feel better about themselves?
Believe it or not, some people just get on with it and therefore don't feel the need to dramatize everything that goes on in their lives.