to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

Is it really so unreasonable for a new mother to want a bit of privacy to recover from the birth, before having to entertain guests, especially after a long and difficult labour? And to expect her husband to respect her wishes and feelings on this? I'm really struggling to see how that can be 'misandric' (is that a real word anyway?) or hard to understand.

We're talking about a few days here, not barring grandparents for the first year of the child's life! And if they're reasonable people, surely they wouldn't want to intrude if they knew the mum wasn't feeling up to it?

Oh how very witty. Look how you turned my sentence around there...

My hope for my DCs is that they will have equal partnerships with their spouses/partners. There's nothing misandric about that is there?

Or is there something inherently misandric or threatening about the idea of equality, or respecting decisions made with your wife, speaking up on her behalf and expressing her wishes to your parents in the wake of a long labour and difficult birth?

Is it misandric of a wife to expect to be allowed to breastfeed in her own home in front of the parents of her H?

samandi this is nothing to do with being given time to recover. It is the OP laying down the law to her DH about what she will and won't allow in his relationship his parents, and his first child. She tried to deny him something which is a very special, proud moment for a new parent, because she thinks it should be all about her, and that her need to control things (I am guessing in life in general, and not just post-childbirth) and keep people at arms length must trump his feelings.

Ok, so in my tables-turned scenario, what if the husband added 'because you never know, you may have a difficult birth and be very tired, so you will need time to recover.'

Make it any better? I don't think so. The point is, that neither one of them should be pressuring the other to do something they are not happy about, but surely a reasonable compromise can be found?

Her mind was made up before the birth - she could have has the easiest birth ever and still it would have made no difference. She has control issues. Which is fine - if she were a single mum she'd be entitled to be as controlling as she liked. It's ok for her - the only person who means anything to her (her DSis) has seen the baby. But it IS NOT all about her, is it? Does she think nothing of her husband's feelings over this?

Yes, but math in deciding she wanted no visitors she denied her husband the chance to do something special and important to him. He was given precious little choice in the matter! If she suspected she would not be up to seeing anyone then why could she not just have found a compromise/solution that allowed for her DH to let his parents meet the baby for a little while without her there? Or say 'no hospital visits but please come for just an hour the day we get home' or something? Why so defensive and determined it is all going to be such a trial that having anyone around AT ALL UNTIL SHE SAYS SO will make it impossible to cope?

My guess is that people like this are the ones who find it impossible to cope, because they've decided from the outset that the world is conspiring against them.

I don't see how you can accuse her DH of having no shades of grey. She was the one who laid down such stringent rules to him in the first place.

Who are these men that you people are married to. If I said anything like what the OP said to my DH he would think I had gone crazy, my Mil visited me in hospital when I had my 2 DSs and I was alone for DDs birth because I had her abroad but they flew over a few months later, I wouldn't have dreamed of banning them, I just don't get it.

Oh and math, please do keep your DDs away from my sons, you sound like a nightmare on wheels.

"My guess is that people like this are the ones who find it impossible to cope, because they've decided from the outset that the world is conspiring against them."

Almost impossible to cope with what?

I wanted no visitors in hospital and a couple of days at home without guests - didn't work out that way - and I can cope. I just didn't want anyone setting up camp in my house while I was attempting to breastfeed.

I would imagine that the OP has some knowledge about what she can cope with and what her relatives might behave like.

so you are saying that because other people have parents who are not interested in their grandchildren everyone else should forget their own comfort levels and allow close family to dictate what happens and how soon after the labour it happens?

No, I am saying that regardless of whether a poster is complaining of too much involvement from the GPs, or not enough, I do not understand people who think that they have a divine right for their needs and feelings to always trump everybody elses.

I am saying that I get irritated by people who behave like tantrumming children when the rest of the world does not immediately dance to their tune.

I am saying that the OP was BU to put her DH in that position in the first place, and to completely disregard his feelings on the matter.

I hope that everyone who has 'gatekeepers' and rations visits ends up with a boy themselves and then in 20/30 years or so they will understand the problem. Until then I doubt they do.

mathanxiety, not at all. Similarly, what's misogynistic about hoping DS has an equal say in his marriage and is not dictated to, which was all the poster you accosted wished?

'Setting up camp' is very emotive and negative language. I agree, if they'd been overly smothering and refusing to go home that would be a major issue.

But we are talking about just letting them pop over and meet the baby in the first couple of days of its life. In hospital is ideal, because the new mum does not have to do anything.

OK, so in the event the birth was arduous and she felt rough, and not up to seeing anyone. Fair enough. But she'd planned in advance to keep them away for as long as she was in hospital then for several days afterwards. The tough labour is a red herring.

By 'coping' I mean coping with the trials of a newborn baby. We all know it can be incredibly, unbelievably hard at times, but some people you just know it's going to be harder for than others, because they are the sort of people who just make RL hard for themselves full stop, by getting their knickers in a twist unnecessarily, much of the time.

We had a thread about them the other day - Catastrophisers!

I have a Ds. I don't expect to be woman no 1 in his life once he is adult. I think this is where loads of mil angst comes from.

Op yanbu. I coped with visitors on day 1 because I was doped up. However, it's severely damaged my relationship with both my parents and mil after they sat round in my house expecting me and dh to wait on them all day, 3 days after I was discharged after an emcs. Though, to be fair, if they weren't selfish bastards they wouldn't have acted this way and then this wouldn't have damaged our relationship. But hey ho.

Of course I don't expect to be woman no1 in DS's life-I am not now before he is married or has DCs. I do however think it unfair if he has his ILs as family, while we are visitors and everything has to be neat and tidy and we have to be entertained.

I don't make the assumption that my ds will a) be heterosexual or b) have children when he grows up. Those looking forward to saying "I told you so" to the mothers of sons in future years seem to have a very old fashioned outlook!
I really hope the OP has stopped reasing this thread by the way.
I imagine trying to cope all the time, looking your best, entertaining, tidying up etc and generally not having space for yourself is a contributing factor in PND. But hey, as long as everyone gets a piece of the baby..

The mother doesn't have to be involved in the il's visit at all. She can have a lovely bath or a nap while her dp shares some special time with his parents and his baby. I honestly can't see what's wrong with that.

samandi this is nothing to do with being given time to recover. It is the OP laying down the law to her DH about what she will and won't allow in his relationship his parents, and his first child. She tried to deny him something which is a very special, proud moment for a new parent, because she thinks it should be all about her, and that her need to control things (I am guessing in life in general, and not just post-childbirth) and keep people at arms length must trump his feelings.

Rubbish. She was presumably quite happy for the grandparents to come over a few days later when they were both up to it.

Make it any better? I don't think so. The point is, that neither one of them should be pressuring the other to do something they are not happy about, but surely a reasonable compromise can be found?

A reasonable compromise would be for the grandparents to come round in a few days.

Her mind was made up before the birth - she could have has the easiest birth ever and still it would have made no difference. She has control issues. Which is fine - if she were a single mum she'd be entitled to be as controlling as she liked. It's ok for her - the only person who means anything to her (her DSis) has seen the baby. But it IS NOT all about her, is it? Does she think nothing of her husband's feelings over this?

She is the most important person in this, which is what a lot of people here are failing to grasp. When my partner was ill I wouldn't've dreamed of inviting anyone over to the house. I absolutely viewed it as my responsibility to look after him and protect him at a vulnerable time.

Making preparations and wishes clear before the birth is the sensible way to go about things.

hilly wallaby & pictish - i agree with everything you've said

OP, YABU. i think you had every right to want a few days, maybe even a week to yourself post birth to bond as a little family, but only after you'd let grandparents have a a quick hospital visit. it's their son's child, it's their blood. they probably love their son more than anything in the world and wanted to see him holding his child. i would imagine it would be a wonderful moment for any mother to witness.

i didn't even discuss visiting requirements before my DD was born, i just presumed all family would feel welcome to ask could they come and have a little visit, and they did!

i had a terrible, long, traumatic labour which resulted in failed forceps and an emergency section. i had to stay in hospital for a week. my mum, sister, dad and a couple of my aunties visited me over the first couple of days, as did my PIL's, BIL & SIL and a load of other relatives of DP'S. DP's cousin told me i looked "bloody awful" they kept peeking in the curtain when i was breastfeeding and they all passed the baby round like she was a prize. i just got on with it, they were excited and meant no harm and IMO had every right to see this new member of their family. once we got to day 3 though i requested no visitors at all, all day, besides my DP and my mum. i felt like shit, wasn't bonding and couldn't stop crying. i needed that day to just hold my baby and try to establish breastfeeding. DP got a bit cobby that his mum couldn't come that particular day but he got told to shut up! and i'm sure MIL understood. the point i'm trying to make is that it's fine to want some time alone, bloody hell it's essential, but i think grandparents should be allowed a visit in the first day or two, then should wait to visit again until mum is feeling better.

When my wife had our first baby my family came round and my wife went to bed and had a sleep.

Who says you have to look your best, tidy up and entertain? The gps don't need to be entertained,they just want to meet their new grandchild for half an hour. This hardly constitutes having to cope all the time, it's not as if they wanted to come and stay, which would be totally different.

Jinglemum the bad experience you had of visitors supports the OP, not your own decision!

Yeah you would be being U except for your husband not wanting you to breastfeed in front of his parents. That is so U and so bizarrely self-defeating that your unreasonableness is voided!

iggi yes, but that was because i said yes to every visitor that asked! i don't expect OP to do this, just let the grandparents have a cuddle and watch their son hold his child, just for an hour. then of course they should wait until DIL is feeling better to visit again. they would be very unreasonable if they didn't realise that son, DIL & GS needed time to bond as a family.

i'd do things a bit different next time, but i would let GP's have a visit at the hospital. mum and baby come first, i completely agree with that, but what's a quick visit? surely the IL's want to congratulate their son and see him with his newborn child? i know that i would want to.

that's correct jingle
nobody ever suggested that op should have put them up like a hotel, fed them entertained them or even tidied up for them

in my circles we all know that a new mum's house is likely to be upside down and we certainly don't expect to be made tea - we make it for the new mum or ring in advance and say do you want a kebab brought over

the visitors look after the mum not the other way round and the mum can say beforehand just stay for half an hour cos i want some sleep

i'm a bit at some posters saying they have visitors staying over that they cook for

we are just talking about the granny's coming to see their gc for about 15 mins that would be a compromise

I think all this is very odd - and I notice the OP seems to have long gone as well.

But.

I was very poorly when I had my youngest. I really didn't want to see anyone at all. So I stayed in bed when guests came and my husband took the baby downstairs to meet them. That way I wasn't bothered and everyone was reasonably happy.

But from the OP - my personal feeling is that she was UR in her initial decision, but having made that decision and discussed it then it was unfair of her husband to spring a change of plan on her with no further discussion. That said - I really think you need to let it go... He went against something you had decided, which was not kind, but it isn't a hugely heinous crime. Unless he invited them to stay for a week, which is different...

The mother doesn't have to be involved in the il's visit at all. She can have a lovely bath or a nap while her dp shares some special time with his parents and his baby. I honestly can't see what's wrong with that.

Quite.

Consider it done, IKilled. Luckily my children live in this century and not the one you and your DS inhabit.

'Yes, but math in deciding she wanted no visitors she denied her husband the chance to do something special and important to him.'

-- So in the aftermath of a major medical event involving the wife's body and her recovery, something special and important to the husband matters more than something special and important to the wife?
It was special and important to her that she be allowed a few days to dress in her dressing gown, uncover her boobs, breastfeed uninhibited, relax and recover from the long labour and difficulty delivery. She was deferring and not outright denying a visit, deferring for a few days and not weeks or months at that.
How does his special moment trump hers? She had just been through the physical and emotional wringer of childbirth in a hospital and his special experience now has to take precedence over emotional equilibrium, her physical recovery and her desire to get breastfeeding off to a good start? Is he a child who has to be indulged?

I feel that if the situation was reversed and he had had a vasectomy or some other surgery requiring rest afterwards and she had insisted on her sister coming over to have a cuppa and some cake and inquiring after the health of the patient he would have had a thing or two to say about it, especially if he had wanted to be left alone.

'He was given precious little choice in the matter!'

They had discussed it at length (read the OP) and she felt they had reached an agreement. He had his say in other words and apparently at length, and he knew how strongly she felt, and she was the bloody patient bloody in every sense of the word. He also knew exactly how she felt right after she found out what was afoot but did nothing about it. Right there in the hospital he deliberately put his family above her in his order of priorities.

'If she suspected she would not be up to seeing anyone then why could she not just have found a compromise/solution that allowed for her DH to let his parents meet the baby for a little while without her there? Or say 'no hospital visits but please come for just an hour the day we get home' or something?

-- Why should she be the one to keep everyone happy? Why should a patient recovering from childbirth be the one to bend over backwards and placate the idiots she is saddled with for ILs and a H? Why could they not have been happy with some photos and why were they not content to wait a few days? Again, are they all a pack of spoiled children?

'Why so defensive and determined it is all going to be such a trial that having anyone around AT ALL UNTIL SHE SAYS SO will make it impossible to cope?'

It is not defensive to want some peace and quiet and privacy after the birth of a baby that has left you exhausted, bleeding, in pain nor did she say it would be impossible to cope if visitors came -- she just wanted a few days to recover at her own pace, breastfeed her baby, drag herself around in her dressing gown and not have to deal with too much besides that.