to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

Yes the bf was wrong and I would tell him
To fuck off Over that, but I don't see how getting enraged over the visiting months and moths later over and
Over again is going to do anything
Other than build
Resentment and split them up.

I do think she needs to let go of her anger and have a
Sit down chat with DH where they can both talk openly about their feelings on that day and after and try to agree on a way to move forward.

Or she can sit and stew in her rage at the bastard forever. Great way to live.

Math going back to my earlier point about women should get absolute power when it comes to labour or stomach flu. I think it was genius because what about other illnesses? why Stomach flu? Have you had it recently and your ils didn't respect your wishes?
You seem obsessed that the OP should hate her ils and dh. phrases like 'selfish' and 'stabbing her in the back'. The OP has stated she doesn't blame her ils (so why you do I don't get) and understand her dh didn't do it to hurt and that he was just caught up.
I think you clearly have issues with your ils and perhaps dh and like the thought of others doing so. Misery loves company and all that.

This thread is starting to make uncomfortable reading, actually...

I left this thread for a while as it was all getting a bit ridiculous IMO. I came down heavily on the side of YABU from the first page, but I'm now starting to re-think this... :-/

I suppose what it comes down to is this... In an ideal world, all post-birth women would be tired but happy, comfortable enough to introduce the new baby to immediately family straight away and to lie back while the new introductions are made, and everyone is happy.

But I guess sometimes it doesn't work like this. Sometimes the new Mum just can't cope with the prospect of it, and even suspects that may be the case pre-birth (which is then utterly reinforced post-birth if it has been long and traumatic). She has then just gone through one of the hardest things anyone ever does go through physically, is swirled up by new hormones, dealing with a new little person who is utterly dependent on them, trying to establish breeastfeeding which God knows is often horrendous, etc, etc, etc - we all know what it can be like.

If she can't request a little alone time at a time like is, when can she?

As I posted on the first page, my in-laws were already at home when I got out of hospital with DC2. With DC1 it was a day or two afterwards. They live overseas, so were staying with us for a couple of weeks.

In hindsight it was actually awful for me. Not because they got in the way, and not because DH didn't do everything for them - he did. But I just didn't want guests in the house. I spent most of my time with the babies upstairs breastfeeding, because I didn't want to loll around in front of them, stressing, with my boobs out pretty much all the time.

I can't quite believe this, but it didn't really occur to me to say this wasn't on. I just took it as a given that in-laws would want to meet the new little one straight away and why shouldn't they? DH didn't any pressure on me - he didn't need to because as I say, it didn't even occur to me that it was a problem. Even after DC1 when I found the whole thing really stressful, I still didn't argue over them coming to stay after DC2. They were in the house, waiting, when I got home from hospital. No time to ourselves at all. My in-laws are lovely people. I get on well with them. They were excited, but actually, yes, their excitement probably should have take a a back set for a few more days.

I suppose it was all exacerbated because they weren't just dropping in, but coming to stay. For the record, my own Dad was on the other side of the world, so didn't meet either DC until months later. My brother came to visit us while still in hospital (in an out during visiting hours, though!), so yes, I was all caught up in the idea of 'fair's fair' and equal visiting rights for both.

Hmm, this is the first time I've really thought about it...

Put it this way ... assuming DS is straight and marries in the future! - I will definitely be speaking to his partner/wife about what she actually wants to happen post-birth myself.

I think coming to stay and dropping in for a quick visit are totally seperate scenarios.

I would be all for the op to ban people staying, but a blanket ban on even a quick meet and greet

And hormones generally
Get worse a few days after birth don't they? I got told day three was the worst and for me it certainly was

I hated having to get out of bed with my (premature) son, with whom I was having a nap after bf, because my (Ex)H told me that his parents had come to visit. That was 14 years ago. It still upsets me. Weird, huh?

It wasn't them, it was him. He was ... in a different zone, I suppose.

Sodoff you were sacrificing your own wishes for those of others - as mothers so often do!
I had antenatal depression, I actually felt much better after the birth but I'd no way of knowing that in advance. I also almost stopped bf due to the unsolicited advice of both dm and dmil. I think things that happen around birth stay with us a lot longer than other events.

Yeah true Kayano, an week+ visit is a different thing, but I guess it's all on the same spectrum. No-one should be able to effectively dictate to someone else what they should or shouldn't be able to cope with.

Hormones - days 3-5 for me...!

Actually, the delayed hormone thing probably made it worse for me, as I was in hospital for a few days after both births for various reasons, so by the time I got home they were really kicking in. The post birth euphoria had really worn off.

The day I had my dd I was like 'look at my
Dd' to everyone

Mum 'come see dd'
Mil 'come see dd'
BIL!!!!! 'come see dd'
Granny 'come see dd'
Oi you random person in the corridor 'come see dd'
all said while making sweeping TA da! Motion with my arm for a grand reveal

After 3
Days of trying to establish bf and going home I was sobbing to DH 'no! I want to be alone!' don't open the door!'

So glad (before math starts this is my personal experience and I am not talking
For everyone or implying the op
Should feel like this ) that I had them all to visit after the birth in the hospital...

Actually DH went against my wishes at
One point and I was so glad
He did. I was having anxiety and I was afraid to go anywhere or see anyone and he arranged to have someone come
Over. Was the BEST thing he could have done for me because it made me feel much better about still seeing people, being able to do things... It gave me a sense of normality and broke my
Self
Imposed
Isolation...

It's weird how threads can make you reflect
On your own experiences

wow cant believe how personal and nasty people are being to OP you would think this was still secondary school

I think it just shows that memories after birth can be very significant.

I also think if you've gone to the trouble of getting an agreement with your partner, it is pretty crap if they don't stick to it.

For my part, I'd have been happy for my (then) partner to take our newborn bf son downstairs for half an hour or so and leave me be, to sleep. I recall it as snippily being told to get out of bed, like I was somehow being .. lazy? rude? I was fucking exhausted.

And the ILs were embarrassed, to give them credit.

op when I gave birth I only had my DH there, and then the next day we came home. I felt very much the same as you, and I felt quite vulnerable at the time. The extended family all pressured me to let them come over, They stayed all day, I wont go into it but it was a horrible day,they were inconsiderate and I barely got to hold my daughter :(
Anyway it is normal to feel like you do, I dont think some men always understand the emotions behind giving birth, as they dont have to. IMO bonding with mum and dad is most important in the first couple of days, and if you feel up to it in those days then short visits from family are good. but talk to him, help him understand, let go, and learn for next time :) holding on to it will only harm you :)

so verylucky, I agree with you.