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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

415 replies

NameChangedJustInCase · 10/04/2012 20:31

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

OP posts:
SodoffBaldrick · 12/04/2012 20:18

*modus

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:18

Misandrist

Kayano · 12/04/2012 20:20

He has just as much right to be here as anyone else surely?

On this open forum?

Wether e agrees with you or not....? Or have I missed the point of this topic, to gain MULTIPLE points of view?

SodoffBaldrick · 12/04/2012 20:21

Of course he does. Confused

I'm just asking.

Kayano · 12/04/2012 20:23

Yeah in a 'fuck off' kind of way Confused

V. Unpleasant

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:26

Ok then, if you were asking, and not attacking, I'll answer properly.

Admittedly people like mathanxiety wind me up, and I don't reply as nicely as I could (who does on MN?), but primarily I'm on here to offer an opposing view, play devil's advocate, and counter those who seem to take glee in advising people to finish relationships, that seem (based on what's posted) otherwise grand and fixable.

A lady I'm good friends with was egged on in real life by "friends" who would talk about her partner in the same way OH's get it on here. She desperately regrets letting them manipulate her, and I'm just here to hopefully make someone think twice before throwing away a good marriage based on a few ill advised posts.

upahill · 12/04/2012 20:26

Is this nutty thread still going!!! Hmm

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:27

Well that, and the fact that many of the non-relationship AIBUs make bloody good reading!

igggi · 12/04/2012 20:29

I have seen MrMiyagi's comments on several threads and they have all been confrontational and unpleasant. He/she enjoys acting like an arse.

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:32

Fighting fire with fire igggi

SodoffBaldrick · 12/04/2012 20:33

Fair enough - although we fall down on the same side of the fence on this thread, I suspect we will disagree on many others.

This is a huge forum with many views and opinions - everyone is entitled to be here; who the fuck am I? Certainly no-one to say who can and can't contribute.

I have just seen your type come and go before - not just on Mumsnet, but on other women's forums. They seem to utterly loathe the women they are interacting with (the underlying tone is crystal clear) and yet 'just can't stay away'. Grin Amusing.

Sorry - didn't mean to derail the thread. I'd just noticed you around, saying the same sorts of things. If you don't ask, you don't find out.

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:35

And I assume the post where I was the first to defend the op from accusations of being nasty and attention seeking (simply because she's upset by her boyfriend's mum threatening to take her kid away for no good reason) is another example of my unpleasant posting?

I just calls it as I see it. If I see it differently from you, so be it.

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:36

That question was at igggi, not sodoffbaldrick.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 20:38

'because you have made the assumption that in order for this woman to get her own way she had to tell it to her husband to sort it out for her.'

Actually, I did say she could have called them herself from the hospital and put them off for a few days, after he had stabbed her in the back while she was asleep, but I also said she should not have had to do that since he should not have overturned their agreement in the first place.

If a woman can't trust her husband to speak for her in the hospital (where he has just been entrusted with the job of speaking up for her and supporting her during delivery and afterwards) (1) he had no business being there as her labour partner and good for her for arranging to have her sister there too (2) you have a very low expectation of this man (3) you seem to think an agreement between them constitutes a dictat from the woman and that the man was under no obligation to respect agreements made with his wife.

Seriously, if she can't trust him to respect either their agreements made ahead of time or acknowledge her need for rest after seeing for himself what she went through and the shape she was in, what can she reasonably expect to trust him with?

And again, this woman is somehow 'getting her own way' when in fact she had taken the trouble to put her pov to her H weeks ahead of time and secure his agreement and he had ample opportunity to tell her his pov or bring up the matter again.

.......................

'Agreeing to everything the woman wants without question is called compromise, and not doing so is rank misogyny.'

MrMiyagi, I will humour you by engaging with your feeble minded remarks even though I suspect SodOffBaldrick has come to the right conclusion about you:
The H did not agree without question. He is a big boy who engaged in debate for quite a while before his wife convinced him of the advantage to him and to her of a few days' privacy. This much we know from the OP.

And again, how is enjoying a few days' privacy followed by open season for visitors not a compromise?

igggi · 12/04/2012 20:39

I haven't read all your posts, I'm not stalking you. So can't answer that question.
Fighting fire with fire - so you're the last line of defence against the evil wimmin of mumsnet then?

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:41

Nope, but neither am I the first line of the evil misogyny that exists on this forum. I'm simply an opposing view (in this case).

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:41

"*outside this forum", not "on this forum"

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 20:44

So equal parts attention seeker and saint then MrMiyagi? The voice of mansplaining reason in the midst of wicked manipulation.

LineRunner · 12/04/2012 20:44

I think saying you are 'fighting fire with fire' could come across as somewhat contradicting your claim to be here to help the OP think twice about stuff, MrM.

MrMiyagi · 12/04/2012 20:53

Well mathanxiety, almost certainly wicked manipulation in your case. The OP's husband was excited about the new arrival and wanted his parents to share in the happiness, and you desperately want the OP to resent her husband for that. As if the first few months with a newborn aren't hard enough.

Let's examine you for a minute. Why is that? Why do you want a new mother to feel so low about her partner?

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 20:57

'aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????'

Do you remember that bit, MrMiyagi? That was from the OP.

As if the first few months with a newborn aren't hard enough, she is dealing with an incident she experienced as a betrayal.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 21:00

But never mind what the OP said or how she feels. It doesn't matter how a woman feels and if she insists on having her preferences acknowledged and agreements she has made with her husband respected then she only has herself to blame when her feelings are ignored and her agreements unilaterally discarded. Silly, uppity woman.

Kayano · 12/04/2012 21:01

It's not A huge 'betrayal' though is it? Such emotive language when he only invited them to see the baby.

I think you desperately want the DH and ils to be absolute wanker betrayed who obv hate women and don't respect them...

When in fact he made a mistake in his excitement over his newborn child
This needs to be forgotten and not continue to stew over it

It isn't healthy and totally OTT. It was a year ago

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 21:08

Read the bit of the OP that I c&p'd and stop assuming that what you feel is what she felt.

And stop minimising what happened. There is no 'he only...'. He disregarded her preference and their agreement and it upset her so much that she is still mad about it.

You and others seem to desperately want this woman to get over herself, for reasons known only to yourselves.

And you are ignoring the ongoing nonsense about breastfeeding and the ridiculous conditions he is imposing on his wife for the sake of his precious family and their sensibilities. There is something wrong with this man's attitude.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 21:11

The hospital incident happened a while ago but the pattern of putting his family first continues with the breastfeeding. The wound is still raw and he is rubbing salt into it with the breastfeeding thing.

Would you tell a woman who had experienced birth trauma that it was unreasonable for her to still be upset about it a year later? This was a traumatic experience for the OP, inflicted on her on top of the medical trauma.