to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

We understand your feelings because we've all been there too....but as I said, you could have found half an hour for them without too much trouble. You just didn't want to.
But your husband did. And that's ok.

So, is it actually that you are upset that you didnt have your only family there for several weeks and are resentful that your DH did?

Are you projecting your hurt about not having your sister there onto your DH for having his family over, when if your sister had been there you would perhaps have just shrugged it off?

He was excited like you say, but I think you can't move on because you're unsure if he will put his/his family's needs ahead of yours. The update and the bit about him not wanting you to BF your baby infront ogf the inlaws at home points to this also. Frankly I'd be fuming about this!

iI think you need to have a discussion about whose needs come first. Hint; 1. Baby.

I think you were being a little UR about having your family there but not his. He probably couldnt understand why it was one rule for you and one for him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Giving birth and the days afterwards (or even weeks and months) can be traumatic and overwhelming. I know by the time I had DS I felt that my body and my health had become public property and I felt vulnerable and upset about everything, the lack of privacy, everything that was done to me. Ideally I would have liked to hide under several layers of pyjamas and dressing gowns and a big duvet until the bleeding and leaky breasts and wobbly bits had settled down.

I think that might be why you are still feeling so upset now. You tried to tell your DH how vulnerable you felt and he just didn't understand you or respect your feelings for just a few days until you felt more able to cope. And it sounds like he still doesn't really understand what you were feeling, so it's still upsetting you and making you feel angry.

I know my DH was the same, his entire idea of pregnancy was that I would be exactly the same, just fatter and then when we had the baby our lives would be exactly the same just with a tiny person in a pram next to us. And of course it wasn't like that, physically and mentally I felt very different and a baby isn't like a handbag you can just grab and run out the door with. He had a bit of a shock when reality hit.

Hmmm personally, I think YANBU. I say this after a horrific birth with DS, 30 hrs, failed epidural, forceps in theatre, manual removal of placenta, internal tear all the way up from the vaginal entrance to my cervix. I was in hospital for 5 days afterwards it was so bad. My mum and sis did come and visit and say now, that they were quite frightened by how bad I looked. There is no way I could have coped with my ils in hospital. My mil, who I think is a wonderful woman, came to stay with us after I'd been home for 3 days and it was awful. I was sitting on a rubber ring, hobbling off to our bedroom every 30 mins trying to get DS to bf and trying to 'host' her as well. I wish I'd put her off for a couple of weeks in all honesty. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD and I can understand how this might still be upsetting now. I suffered a prolapse 6 weeks after the birth and I can't help but wonder if rushing about entertaining my mil and taking her on day trips to the local park etc, when I should have been recovering in bed, wasn't a contributing factor to it.

As everyone else said.... but he doesn't want you bf in front of anyone? Crikey I'd have been housebound! By DC3 i was walking round town breastfeeding she spent the first four months on the boob!
YABU about all your ridiculous access to newborn ishoos but YWDNBU to poke him in the eye for trying to control how and when you bf.

you need to let this go.
in hindsight it might have been better just to let them visit in hospital at the designated visiting hours. That means that when time is up the midwives kick them out for you and you have no cleaning etc to do. if you need to bf when they are there you just either do it in front of them or they go out for a while.
then you could've settled in at home with no visitors although visitors to the house after a birth are meant to offer help with housework or making tea. You could've told them to call round and bring your dinner with them
the birth is a joyous event for the whole family and of course your husband just wanted to show her off. He was proud of you and his new daughter - put that to the forefront of your mind and let this go for the sake of your marriage.

I think you are absolutely being unreasonable making those stipulations in the first place, would you have felt the same if you parents had been around and would you not have let them see the baby either?

My mum and Mil were in the waiting room waiting for me to come down from the operating theatre after having a c-sec, I couldn't imagine not letting them see my newborn babies as soon as possible, its such a special time for them too.

He is being a bit unreasonable to have agreed to something then gone behind your back - he should havve just said it was an unacceptable thing to ask of him and not agreed to it so I can kind of agree why you would be cross with him.

I still don't understand why you wouldn't have wanted his family around after?!

Edwinbear - sorry you went through such a tough time.
However, OP's mil did not stay for a week.

BTW - he is totally being unreasonable about the BF, I missed that post - in that case - if they would be that uncomfortable then maybe they shouldn't have come round.

My FIL used to start stuttering and leave the room if I mentioned feeding my DS, lol!

Agree with others that you were being U. BUT, I agree with outrage that your post about your dh not wanting you to bf in front of the family/in public suggests to me that there are others issues at work here. It's entirely up to you how/when you bf; neither your dh nor your visitors/other people should have any say in how you do it.

Yes, I will concede that there is a big difference between popping in for 30 mins and coming to stay. But I still would have felt the need to tidy up, bake a cake, make tea etc which I'd have found really stressful, even for 30 mins. Actually, I probably would have hidden in bed pretending to be asleep whilst dh showed off DS - that might have worked.

yes if you are bf in your own home and someone else is uncomfortable with then they leave the room - not you. I can understand why a FIL might be uncomfortable but most find something they need to fix on the car or something. Your DH is making too much of a deal here. How is he with your bfeeding now?

edwinbear that was awful - in your case if your MIL had any wit she would have made you sat down and recover whilst she helped with housework

YANBU. I think the restrictions you set were too much and if I were your ILs I would have been hurt. However, you thought you had agreed arrangements with DH and his timing for reneging on that agreement was appalling. I understand why you are still seething. FWIW my lovely DP did/said a few things in the weeks after DS was born which hugely pissed me off, but I bit my tongue in the full knowledge that I was hormonal and he was trying his best. Months later we talked about it all and he said he wished I'd spoken up - he hadn't realised just how seismic having a baby was for me.

YABU

As others have said, it's his baby too and it's not fair to ban his family for couple of weeks

All they probably wanted to do was pop in for an hour and meet the baby.

I'm sure they couldn't care less about what your house looks like

YABU

It sounds from your OP as though you read some horror-stories on Mumsnet, read the responses and decided that banning visitors was the thing to do.

It is also your DH's baby and he ideally should have made it clear that he wasn't prepared to go along with a blanket ban, but from what you say you were pretty imovable so his options were:

a) continue nagging and nagging his heavily pregnant wife
b) let it go and hope she wouldn't mind so much when the baby arrived
c) go along with something that would make him unhappy

While I am a firm believer in a new mum being given all the time and space she needs to get used to her baby and recover from the birth, I don't think this necessarily translates into a requirement to ban all relatives from even catching a glimpse of the baby. A much better way to handle your need for privacy would have been to agree on a set time for close relatives to visit, with a very clear time limit laid down in advance.

In some ways, the fact that your sister is your only family makes it worse from the POV of your DH/in-laws - your entire family were welcome, with none of them suffering from the same ban that was being applied to your in-laws.

Maybe I am biased because I wanted, and got, my MIL and SIL staying from day one and they were wonderful, but I think your demands, because that is what they were, were excessive.

The BF issue is a whole different kettle of fish and he needs to get over it and prioritise his child.

ok a few points.
yes i am beingunreasonable for the most part
dh is fine with me feeding in public, just not in front of his parents
dh is like i said on the whole a great dad and husband
i would never actually slap him that was said more tongue in cheek
yes, it prob is the fact that i had no one and dh had his family (they are lovely)

I do sympathise OP :) Can see your pov but also can see how your DH's family might have felt excluded and he wanted to prevent that.

YANBU

I had a terrible birth with DS2, I had to stay in hospital for a week on a drip as i got blood poisoning.

I refused to see anyone. I was ill, tearful and struggling to BF. DS2 was distraught from his IV and cried constantly, I couldn't put him down in his cot thing ever. He slept with me even in hospital.

My parents visited in hospital a few times. DH and DS1 came everyday. One close female friend came.

ILs came when DS2 was three weeks old. I didn't like them to be honest and genuinely would have preferred them to stay away. Our relationship had always been strained at best, totally hostile at worst (they didn't want me to have DS1 and refused to see him until he was 8m- yes months - old) I was in no rush to accomodate them. So the idea of keeping YOUR baby to yourselves seems fine to me!

When you have had a baby you are vulnerable and need support not to play hostess.

I think what's worse is DH promised you it would just be the three of you and then changed his mind without consulting you. It is very sad, and I would have been upset, I do think you need to move on now.

Ps I think my awful in laws may have clouded my judgement!

Maybe if I had helpful, supportive in laws like so many mnetters seem to moan about I wouldn't minded so much!

Sorry to add to the deluge, but I read your whole thread thinking YABU. :(

To ban them from the hospital AND visiting afterwards is really unfair.

Of course it all ended up going pear-shaped - because your demands really were unreaonable and unfair, and it was pretty much bound to go wrong. If you hadn't forbidden the ILs visiting their new family member in the first place and allowed either a visit at hospital OR a brief one at home on your terms, then none of this ill-feeling would be going on months after the event.

My in-laws were at my house when I got home from hospital and stayed for 2 weeks, in comparison. Not ideal, but NO WAY would I have dreamed of shutting them out in those early days.

I really, really hope my future DIL doesn't think like you... :(

i think i will have to just find a way to move on, I feel really bad now as even though i did have a long labour and it was traumatic for me, all the poster saying ianbu have had far worse than me by the sounds of it. I think i did scare myself with all the pil/baby/threads on here. i just thought id be able to erase any problems or situations that might occur that have happened to others on here iyswim? I do have an anxiety disorder so perhaps that played its part?? who knows the only thing i know now is that i have been pretty unfair to dh

yabu, its his baby too, that really wasnt fair at all

I've reread your post - the day after is not great if they don't like breast feeding and you can't do it in front of them. I completely understand why you felt hurt. I think men think, its over so you're fine .... But I remember how excited my parents were to meet our new arrival ...... and it is grandparents who most appreciate the tiny newborns - reminds them of us . Also at first they sleep while being cuddled, and it is a special time for everyone.

Then again - I had DH's sister and new boyfriend insist on coming to stay a week after - and I was hopping mad because we had told them we needed at least 2 days notice if someone was coming to stay and DH just said its fine, going back on what we had agreed. And mad because I had to clear out the spare room, make the bed, go shopping because they only ate certain things (30 min drive with baby in tow), make dinner, and then they didn't even turn up for dinner at the time they requested (and I had to go out after) ...... but couldn't be arsed to call. And I had work that wouldn't go away. Oh and I couldn't walk properly cos of a dislocated pelvis - I was crawling up and downstairs. DH did sweet FA to help, other than tell me what they wanted to eat. So the next morning I vanished (with baby) to my Mum's before I punched someone / cried. So I understand the hormonal madness - I saw red when they started being demanding in the morning. I wasn't being exactly reasonable - but I felt they should have some respect for me - so tough to all of them! In context sister has track record of being a selfish cow.

The above essay is because while we may not be reasonable - you and I aren't and won't be the only ones to find it difficult to cope afterwards. But I didn't have a grudge - as I refused to play their game and left ......

So I have no problem with him inviting them round, but think he should have done the tidying so that you felt comfortable and not sprung it on you, but talked to you when you were awake.

To the posters saying i was "banning them for weeks", i never said weeks, i said a few days just to get settled, id never say for weeks, it would be obvious even to me that that would be unreasonable