to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

I think YANBU. For your DH to agree to one thing and then do the exact opposite of what you wanted is out of order. I think the new mum's wishes should come first - she is the one who has just been through childbirth, feeling vulnerable, trying to get feeding established and rightly or wrongly the one who might be judged if the house is a tip! Of course everyone wants to share in the joy of the new baby but what's best for the baby and it's mother should come first, not the grandparents (on either side).
And I think it is perfectly natural that you wouldn't be bothered about your own sister or mum seeing you looking a state with boobs out everywhere but would feel pressured to be fully dressed etc if ILs were around.
I'm currently pregnant with my first. My ILs live 2-3 hours away, they are retired so would be available to come and visit any time but TBH I wouldn't want them there for at least 3-5 days after - surely it would be a nicer visit for everyone if I was genuinely welcoming them and introducing them to a baby I felt confident with. My ILs are lovely people and really excited about the baby, I am sure they will comply with whatever we ask for but I think I will broach the subject with DH sooner rather than later! We are both from big families and live in a flat so too many visitors could soon get overwhelming.
Having said that OP I think you do need to move on from what happened, perhaps raise it with your OH one last time and say you do want to forget it but need him to understand exactly why it upset you and left you feeling vulnerable.

Would be nice if MN was a safe haven, but I guess not!
She posted in AIBU for goodness sake! It's known for having robust opinions.
And let's face it she did ask if she was being UR.

A lot of people think she is amongst things.
She could haved posted elsewhere if she wanted a bit of chit chat.

AIBU is never a safe haven! She asked the question-she got the honest answer-some people think she isn't and some think she is.
It is clear to me that Katienana's mother is grandmother number 1.

I can see why others think YABU. But having a baby is such an individual, emotional and personal thing and I think that anything that upsets you at a time when you are probably at your most vulnerable will linger on and continue to niggle. I don't know whether YWBU re the inlaws visiting (guess it depends on the nature of your relationship with them) but I don't think YABU to still be upset by events.

I understand how you feel. We asked my ILs not to come to the hospital. They ignored us and did anyway. DH (my hero) wouldn't let them in so they huffed off. We invited them to our house the following day, they arrived at the same time as the midwife so we asked them to come back in an hour. They did, stayed for a couple of hours and left. All was fine. Until FiL sent DH a horrible, abusive email that evening about how insulted they were, how pathetic I was etc. It completely soured what should have been a wonderful time in our lives, i still think about it and get upset and I can't forgive them. I tolerate them though for DH's sake and they have no idea I am still harbouring stabby thoughts towards them .

OP should think herself lucky she just got her IL's.

Despite DH telling my mum to come over on the evening of the first day so her and my dad could have a longer visit and despite me having complications during birth my mum and dad turned up with my nan and grandad, my sister, my nephew who was 4 at the time at lunch time.

She took tons of pictures, told me off for BF in front of my grandad and then a month later going through the photos commented that I didn't look very happy and would it have killed you to smile!!

I agree you were a little unreasonable with a ban from the hospital and home.

That said I would be fuming if DH made arrangements he knew were the opposite of what I wanted. I think I would talk to him again for one final time and say how upset you still are. Tell him you feel unsupported and that in future you like the chance to compromise.

I would also mention you can BF wherever you choose

Well samandi, a visit at home would not be necessary so soon, if she had allowed them "audience" at the hospital.

I think the op sounds controlling and manipulative over her own child, and so early on!

"Why would you need to tidy the house? Surely it is a great help-let ILs tidy it and leave you free to deal with the baby. If it is the first I don't think people realise that help might be useful!"

Some people don't want help around the house, particularly not at the time when we are wanting a couple of days peace and quiet - which is all the OP had requested and importantly had agreed on with her husband.

I think it's absoulutely fine for those of you who do want help to accept it and enjoy it, but it's not something everyone wants and it would be odd to suggest that those who don't want it just accept it.

"She posted in AIBU for goodness sake! It's known for having robust opinions.
And let's face it she did ask if she was being UR."

she didn't specifically ask if she was being unreasonable to want some time alone after the birth, she asked if she was being unreasonable to feel let down by a husband who went against her previously agreed wishes and also if she was being unreasonable to still feel pissed off about it months later.
AIBU is also known for people completely missing the point because they want a bun-fight or to tell other mothers that they'd better not expect their sons to love them when they are older as they are going to get their just deserts.

Seeker is right on this. Turn the tables and see how it looks. How many of you who are defending the OP's right to make her decision and not need to justify it to anyone, regardless of how others feel about it, would feel about this:

A couple have their first baby due imminently and the man says to the woman, 'I really do not want your parents or your sister to visit you in hospital, or to see the baby for a good few days once you are home. I feel it is a time that should be completely private, to be experienced by just us two, and I expect you to respect my wishes by agreeing to that.'

Can you imagine what kind of a response that would get on here?

YANBU. My MIL can be difficult, but she was sensitive about visiting. As I was approaching my due date, I suggested she come to the hospital on day 2 (she lives quite far away) and she said "Are you sure? I could come the next week to give you time to recover."

It was actually much better having her at the hospital - she was happy because she met the baby on her second day of life, and I was happy because I wan't having to play hostess.

I haven't even mentioned my mum in my post! Technically she is the only grandmother my husbands mother died when he was a little boy, so the other grandmother is his stepmum and they have had a difficult relationship over the years. But that has never ever had any impact on the relationship I have with her and I have made an effort to involve her in our lives. I want my in laws to be involved with the baby but realistically they won't be able to see the baby as much as my parents will as they only live 45 minutes away.

I was getting it from the fact that your mother and sister were not seen as visitors.

"A couple have their first baby due imminently and the man says to the woman, 'I really do not want your parents or your sister to visit you in hospital, or to see the baby for a good few days once you are home. I feel it is a time that should be completely private, to be experienced by just us two, and I expect you to respect my wishes by agreeing to that"

you are adding an awful lot of stuff to that scenario though. Presumably the couple would then have a conversation about it and come to an agreement or compromise, just like the OP's husband appeared to do. He then did exactly the opposite.

It's not the initial request that is in question here... the OP and her husband sorted all that out between themselves prior to the birth.

What is being questioned is the way her DH then did the opposite - which surely you agree is unfair?

A woman goes out with her friends but her husband is unable to come as he has come down with a very bad migrane. He asks her to please not bring any of their friends back to the house as he needs some peace and quiet. She agrees because she understands how awfully ill he feels and doesn't want to make his migrane any worse. At 2 am she arrives home with 3 friends and starts making them food and puts on a CD. Her husband, upstairs, feels really ill still and on top of that feels very upset that she hasn't considered his feelings at all - despite the fact that they had spoken at length about what would make him happy?

Does he have no right to be upset with her?

What I meant by that is that I am comfortable slobbing around in front of my mum and sister but am not comfortable doing so in front of my mother and father in law. I wouldn't be bothered by mum or sister seeing my boobs but apart from DH and medical professionals I won't be showing them to anyone else!

I think some people have missed the fact that in the end to OP's sister wasn't even there anyway.

I do not think it's unreasonable to not want visitors you don't feel completely comfortable with when you have just given birth and are trying to establish BF and it's not unreasonable to feel more comfortable with your own sister/Mum who you have known your whole life, to you in laws, who you may have only known a few years or so, especially if your DH has suggested or given the impression that your in laws may not be comfortable about you BF in front of them.

i also agree with mathanxiety and those who have said that as a Mum of boys I would be proud if my son put his wife's needs before anything else when she had just given birth and feel that my own excitement and needs should absolutely come second to the needs of the new Mum. It's not going to kill a grown adult to wait a few days to see a newborn baby.

Turn it another way - if you had been in a car accident and had to go to hospital, would you expect to have to smile sweetly for the inlaws when all you want to do is be sick and sleep, just because it made them happy to "see" you were alive and well. I didn't even tell my parents when I was admitted to hospital and had to have surgery - I just wanted to get better fast without anyone in my face.

Having a baby is a major physical event - some people can 'pop' them out and love being pregnant - some of us go through hell to get the much loved baby.

With hormones raging, give the OP a break - she knew what she felt able to cope with, she told her DH, she trusted him, he IGNORED WHAT SHE THOUGHT HAD BEEN AGREED. He wasn't the one having the sodding baby and carrying it round for 9mths beforehand, and then trying to get it to feed properly, being prodded by midwifes, and feeling like a dishrag. OP you aren't unreasonable to feel let down, and that DH let you down when you were feeling vulnerable - BUT you should have thought about his feelings at the start - maybe agreed they could come round when you were having a nap.

I honestly don't think some people are capable of thinking about the mother. They go on about how intrusive they found it with people coming round 2 weeks later when they had had a bad time - and then think they have the right to sally into the hospital to see the new baby - and wake the mother up from her nap with their presence! But that's fine because THEY enjoyed seeing the baby. (That's my DM to my cousin!) Its more recent that everyone goes into the hospital - it didn't used to be like that (according to my mother's generation aged 70-80, who now think it is fabulous they get to see the baby so soon!).

I am probably harsh because I spent all 9 months of my pregnancy being monitored for various things and rather ill, and a few hours passing out of consciousness in labour because they had 'lost' the consultant on duty (DH told me this afterwards - I just thought they weren't listening to me that there was a problem and gave up). Before the finale of dislocating my pelvis for me.

Oh and I would have been quite happy to have 2 days with just me and DH - no parents from either side ........

yanbu.

I learnt a harsh lesson after my dc1. Second time around I banned visitors, when I actually just did it to ban XP's parents from turning up, although everyone else kept their distance. Luckily they live 200 miles away so I got away with it.

There is nothing worse than sitting in a hospital bed being gawped at by visitors when you're in pain, tired and leaking milk .

When I have grandkids I will offer help then keep the hell away until I am needed.

Well said midori - I hope my DD feels able to tell me what she wants if she has kids - so she doesn't feel she is having to try to please everyone at the expense of her own sanity.

And why the hell couldn't he just send them a photo / or a video clip on the internet - and say you'll be the first to be invited round as soon as DW is feeling well enough - she had a really bad time and is completely exhausted.

OP the more I think about this, the less unreasonable I think you were being.

Bloody hell.

What mathanxiety said, every word.

Threads like this make me realise how lucky I am to have normal, sane, reasonable people for parents (and in-laws) instead of the precious, spoilt, self-centred, tantrum-throwing baby boomers who have forgotten to grow up in all the "excitement" of becoming parents and grandparents.

goes and hugs own parents and in-laws

DuelingFanjo - ''she didn't specifically ask if she was being unreasonable to want some time alone after the birth, she asked if she was being unreasonable to feel let down by a husband who went against her previously agreed wishes and also if she was being unreasonable to still feel pissed off about it months later.

AIBU is also known for people completely missing the point because they want a bun-fight or to tell other mothers that they'd better not expect their sons to love them when they are older as they are going to get their just deserts."

Absolutely agree with this.

The OP may or may not have known that she would have a difficult birth, many people do have health issues etc that mean they are aware in advance that giving birth will be complicated. Or she may have just read and heard enough horror stories of giving birth to think that if she was one of the unlucky ones she wouldn't want the whole family there to witness it for a day or two.

And she didn't ask that her PILs were kept away for weeks on end, she wanted a couple of days at home alone to adjust and settle in before anyone came to visit.

If her DH objected to her sister being at the birth he should have done what the OP did and talked through his concerns in advance.

And if he really did feel forced into agreeing with the OP about having a couple of quiet days at home, which as we all know can be difficult few days (and it's sods law that the visitors always turn up just as the midwife has you on the sofa with your legs in the air and your stitches on show) then he should have said so to her at the time and come to a compromise.

Or taken the opportunity in the hospital to say to his family that although the OP and the baby were okay, it had been a difficult and traumatic birth for her and she didn't feel up to visitors for a day or too.

Lovely in-laws would not object to that, had they been told.

But it wasn't a discussion. She told him what she wanted and he wasn't happy with it but he didn't have q choice. How is that fair?

Not just babyboomers - mine are the ones who grew up during WW2 and post-war rationing. Completely incapable of thinking about anything other than their own happiness - and manipulating their offspring to get their own way - and boast about it. Apparently they've had it tougher than us (undoubtably true) and therefore they know everything and the appalling younger generation should defer at all times and sit there and agree while they slag us off in front of their friends (most definitely not!)

Beyond me why people can't respect what other people say as being a genuinely held belief, then state what they want and why, then reach a compromise in everybody's best interests - but with particular regard to whoever is having to put the most work / effort in.

On my theory, his wishes should be about 30% and hers 70% because she is physically having the baby, he is standing there / reading a book! His hormones aren't all over the place, he isn't likely to get PND etc. etc.

Would he want to have his inlaws there while his testicles were examined - now that would be a good AIBU! You want to be able to talk to the midwife without inlaws / parents adding their tuppence worth.

Two weeks - most unreasonable - 3 days - not unreasonable. 3 days in 18 years - not alot when you think about it. I mean what if baby arrived 2 weeks late ......

And anyway - he could have said - now the baby's here, I've changed my mind, I want my parents to see baby straight away - how can we do it that in a way that doesn't leave you feeling emotionally strung out.

If my DH does those kind of things - says one thing and does another - then I feel disrespected. However I make an effort with his relatives - go and see this aunt (parents are dead) with DD, even if he is not with us. In return, I expect that he takes my wishes into account and doesn't back me into a corner. Took him a long time, but he's got there!

OP don't worry about it - it is what it is - but work on moving forward so you aren't in the same position again.

But it wasn't a discussion. She told him what she wanted and he wasn't happy with it but he didn't have a choice. How is that fair?

It's not fair. Nor is it fair that women have to carry babies for months and then push them out through their guts in agony, and men don't. It's not fair, but that's how it goes and if you want to have children you shut up and get on with it.

I'm all for fathers being equally recognised as parents, and doing an equal share of childcare and housework etc, in fact I'd accept nothing less from somebody who wanted me to have his child. In this instance, straight after the birth, being an equal parent means doing everything in your power to help the mother recover. If that involves acting as a gatekeeper, then you act as a gatekeeper. It's not about you and what's fair, it's about somebody else's needs being, for the moment, more important and urgent than yours. If that thought is too difficult to digest then I have to wonder why people like that have children at all.

Oh for heavens sake, nobody's suggesting the in laws being in the room while she talks to the midwife.

She could stay in the bedroom while dp shows the baby off to his parents.