to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

Hmm, I'm on the fence. If you had an agreement, the time to make a compromise was when the discussion was first held. To phone while you were asleep post labour is pretty mean. What's making me come down on the side of YANBU is that you were the one tidying up and you're not allowed to breast feed in front of them. Both of those things put much much more pressure on you. I tend to hold on to bad feeling when I don't feel the issue was ever acknowledged so maybe that's part of the problem now. Can you find a way of saying you'd like to tell him how it felt for this one time only and promise never to mention it again as long as he truly listens? You could also acknowledge that you know how excited he must have been to show of his DC and try not to be accusatory in the discussion.

I would suggest next time you're with the ILs and baby needs feeding, just start. Your baby needing food is a basic human requirement and your DH is quite happy to ignore unreasonable agreements so I wouldn't feel obliged to stick to any 'no breastfeeding' agreement.

I had a fairly traumatic labour and by the end, I'd not slept in four days. I wanted parents to visit ASAP in hospital though rather than at home as I thought in hospital you're quite obviously a patient but at home I'd feel like a host.

and have the house all tidy, have tea/coffee/cake in advance!
Rookie mistake!

You have provided the grandchild! THEY provide the tea and cake and should happily help with washing/tidying/meals etc when they are there. Thems the rules when visiting a new mum!

Are grown adults so overwhelmed with excitement nowadays that they can't wait a couple of days to see a baby? Especially if a new mum, trying to establish bfing and having lots of skin to skin has to retreat to another room to feed said baby as the gp's don't want to see her bfing? I don't understand this "they're the GP, they're excited" pish. If I said to my mil could they hold off a couple of days so I could get myself sorted, rested a bit and bf established she'd have no issue at all with it and I'm sure she'd be very excited. But she'd do it because she's had 2 kids and one of those was an awful birth and she'd know exactly what's what.

You should have allowed them to visit in hospital, there are set visiting times, you could have bf in the comfort of your bed and wouldn't have had to lift a finger to "entertain".

Ywnbu but it's time to let it go. The bfing issues your DH has need to be addressed though.

YABVU. What an awfully difficult situation you put your DH in.

When you have a baby, you can't plan every little detail so that it suits you. There are other people who want to be involved, even if you don't like it.

I'm sorry, but what you did was selfish, and now you are being petty holding on to this grudge. Let it go, concentrate on your new baby, and try to appreciate how lucky you are to have a family that cares, many people don't.

You are being very unfair, especially as this is something your DH can't change now.

"Very similar thing happened to me with DD1 (10 years ago!), I still get pangs of bitterness over it but directed at mil not dh. To cut a long story short, dd2 she didnt meet for 2 weeks (i think() and dd3 nearly 6 weeks."

Lovely. :( If indeed yours is a very similar situation to the OP's - who likes her Ils and has a good relationship with them - then this sort of behaviour is basically just so selfish, power-controlly and unfathomable to me.

"To phone while you were asleep post labour is pretty mean."

Maybe they didn't have their crystal ball tuned in properly and didn't realise the OP was asleep. Maybe they were being hideously over-entitled and calling to make sure all was well and their son's new child's birth had gone well.

For the record, I think expecting you not to breastfeed in front of them was just too ludicrous for words and very, very silly of your DH.

The whole situation sounds needlessly controlled and contrived - a bit more going with the flow, playing it by ear, and just simply not thinking the worst of your ILs, who you say are nice people, might have been in order.

anyone who says why can't the ILs just come and visit has clearly not spent any time post-delivery with the joy of severe urge incontinence.
It isn't easy for everyone.

DH should consider himself lucky you even let him be there, seems you and your sister had it all nicely planned out.

YABVVU. poor fella.

mathanxiety "I hope he was to he one who tidied up and entertained his moronic family.*

Now that is just plain nasty. Let me get this right - OPs Mum had the nerve to expect to actually see her sons first baby when it was born and you think this is Moronic? angry hmm What a piece of work you must be to think like that.'

Yes I do think they are moronic, and if that makes me a piece of work then shoot me.

The alternative to the DH tidying up was the OP (who had just had a long and exhausting delivery) doing it and entertaining them, and I sincerely hope you are not suggesting that might have been in any way ok?

People who impose on new mothers because despite being grown adults their excitement somehow gets the better of them and their manners or sense of propriety are selfish morons.

Sounds like you're projecting Math.

What has the DH's ability to do the tidying up or not got anything to do with his parents' status as morons...?

And OP, sod all that house tidy and tea and cake business next time -- they can take you as you are and bring their own cake.

Who says they weren't going to do just this??

This thread is getting ridiculous.

His parents are morons for wanting to get there the day the OP got home from the hospital. He aided and abetted them by giving in spinelessly to whatever pressure they exerted on him to go against the agreement he had made with the OP.

Really, what sort of people want to descend on a new mother within 24 hours of a difficult birth? Would they do it if she had had some other major health event, like a kidney transplant or a lung removal?

They should have asked the DH how the OP was feeling, how she felt about visitors, if she felt she was up to it or too tired, weepy, leaky, etc. So they were not just morons therefore, but rude and inconsiderate too. It doesn't matter at all that this was their grandchild. The OP is their DIL and they should have had a bit of thought for how she felt. Thinking only of their right to see the baby or their excitement about the baby was selfish.

I imagine that the DH probably didn't tell his parents that although the OP's sister was welcome at the birth, his parents are not, nor in the aftermath - at the hospital or at home after that - because he didn't want them to think badly of his wife, or to make them think she didn't like them, or was singling them out for exclusion.

So when they expressed excitement after the birth and couldn't understand why he was putting them off, he relented and let them visit.

I am surmising, of corse. But if this was me in his shoes, I would certainly not be willing to tell my parents they weren't welcome, for fear of the hurt it would cause, and that they might think badly of my other half.

But you know, continue calling them moronic if you must. I do not understand how some people run their smily relationships I really don't. I mean, God knows, a 'sense of propriety' and 'manners' are of course the priority here.

What is this, 1910?!

All he had to do was tell them that of course the sister was going to be there at the birth because the OP and here sister were so close, and of course as you can well understand, mum and dad, he and the OP weren't going to be entertaining anyone for a day or two in light of the difficult birth. But what sort of people need to have this sort of circumstance explained to them?

I personally cannot understand why people think it is ok to invite themselves anywhere, even to see their first grandchild. I think people who do so are rude, inconsiderate, and yes, morons.

Manners never go amiss even in this enlightened day and age, and a sense of propriety is sadly lacking in this DH who thinks it is ok for him to pander to his family's squeamishness about his wife breastfeeding while running roughshod over the agreement they had reached between themselves about visitors. Now that is a situation that is much more 1910ish that I like to see in 2012.

that I like = than I like

I have never been more happy to agree to disagree with someone.

Be glad that you only have daughters. If you do have sons, then good luck to you. :)

Math I really think you are over reacting. The ILs came at the invitation of their son. Visiting your new grandchild within a very short time of their arrival is totally normal, not some sort of aberration. I think it is totally reasonable for the OP to be annoyed with her dh, he should have asked her if she was OK for a visit, and he should have totally done any and all work required and supported her to feed whenever and wherever she chose.

On the other hand I think it would probably have been better if the OP and her dh had been able to come to a more firm agreement about when she thought she might have been OK with having visitors and on what terms rather than just saying what she didn't want to happen (ie on day three your parents only, for an hour maximum and you will do all the looking after involved). However it's easy to get things right with hindsight.

The one thing I'd say is that it is really important to be able to get to a position where the OP can let go of her anger and upset as this sort of thing can really fester (and probably has). OP do you have any idea as to what you need from your dh in order to feel OK? It sounds like you feel you can't trust him to put you first - is there some way he can show you that you come first perhaps?

Hang on, it OP has not said anywhere that her ILs are squeamish about breastfeeding, only that her DH is worried it will make them uncomfrtable. Likewise OP hasn't said anywhere that her ILs were badgering to visit or putting their own feelings first. Maybe the ILs had no idea of the OPs wishes, maybe they got a phonecall from their excited DS who had just become a dad and wanted to share the moment with him and OP.

Op I haven't read the thread, but I think you were being very insensitive when not allowing your in laws to visit their new born grandson. Would you prefer if they weren't interested at all?
I just pray that when my boys decide to have children, my husband and I will not be made to feel like obsolete furniture.

I do have a DS. I intend to wait until I am invited to see any future grandchildren by the mother of the baby and not by DS and I will not hold it against any future DIL if she prefers to have her family with her and not me either during or after the delivery of any babies. I expect DS to be a good husband first, a good father to a baby second and after that if there is room for me then fine, and if not I'm sure I will manage to survive. He is not the one who will have gone through the physical experience of delivery or recovery, nor will he be the one trying to establish breastfeeding or attempting to sit down on a rear end that is held together by stitches. DS's job will be to support his wife in every way possible. If I thought DS had breached any agreement he and any future wife of his had reached, especially at a time when hurts can be magnified, I would be appalled at him.

The time after a baby is born is a time when the mother needs care and attention and nobody should be put on the spot by relatives or pressed to allow a visit no matter how excited they are or how good their intentions. Birth can be traumatic even if it goes smoothly. A new mother will have gone through an experience no book or course could really have prepared her for. In days of yore, mothers spent two weeks in hospital being taken care of and visitors were shooed out by matrons the minute the bell rang, and there was wisdom to all of that (though there were aspects of that regime that were not at all positive). Having visitors over is sometimes too much for a new mother and people should not expect to visit as a matter of course.

Math What if your DS rings you all excited talking about the birth of his baby and invites you to visit giving you the impression that it is all agreed with his DW?
What do you do? Do you wait until your DIL has spoken to you herself?
I agree that OPs DH should have considered her feelings more but I don't understand why the ILs are getting it in the neck when for all we know they were told that of course they were welcome to visit.

'i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.'

Then she woke up, apparently in the hospital, to find out that she had been overruled and felt that she would have to get home and tidy up in order to have the place in visitor condition. She had been adamant and they had made plans ahead of time and there was no way he couldn't have known how she felt on the subject of visitors.

'Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.'

These people didn't even have the grace to give a specific day or time. OP just needed to be visitor-ready either one or two days after a long labour.

Is this polite or considerate of the ILs? Is this considerate of the DH, or does it show any consideration for his wife at all? In the aftermath of birth, people need to show consideration for the new mother ahead of any other individuals.

TooManyOddSocks -- The idea that it was the DH who instigated the visit makes him look even worse, imo, than if it was just a case of him being too spineless to stand up to overbearing parents. If he was the one behind it then he had decided that his wife's wishes were of no account and his mattered more, and he had also decided that the agreement they came to was worth nothing.

Here is what the OP said about the breastfeeding:
'he will get in a bit shirty when it comes to the ils such as he wouldn't want me bf in front of them (in a restaurant or even at home) as he is worried it will make them uncomfortable. little things like that just drag it up. its like he will put their feelings ahead of mine.'

And again I think this makes him seem even worse than someone saying something to his wife after it has been remarked to him. He is anticipating what he thinks his family will feel and not back up the OP. According to the OP, the breastfeeding was just one example of how the DH puts the ILs ahead of her. I do think this man has his priorities in the wrong place here. A man who thinks his wife shouldn't breastfeed in front of his parents in her own home is being an idiot at best and putting the ILs ahead of his own little family at worst.

Math - you may have misread the OP. The invited them. If you haven't misread the OP I am assuming you will only visit your ds and future gc when your dil invites you? Is that correct? You will be happy if your grown son is not allowed to make decisions? I don't get that. The OP has made clear she is not 'bashing' her ils. She knows the decision was her dhs.
OP I think its quiet insensitive to make the demands you did, tbh. I gave birth to ds at 6.30am an didn't sleep all day. The mils couldn't come round til 8pm that night. It wasn't the best time, but they were as excited about meeting him as my family were and I would not have excluded them. Is half an hour really too much for people who are (now) your family?

I would absolutely wait until I had spoken to the DIL. I would ask her how she was feeling and generally sound her out about the sort of shale she was in emotionally, ask her what support she had to hand if she and DS needed it.

DS would be welcome to send a photo or two.

Either that or I would have sat imaginary DIL down ahead of time and would have asked her how she felt about visitors -- who, when, how long. I would have advised her against having any tbh and assured her that if she changed her mind and either wanted no-one or wanted Charlie Reilly and his aunt then she should just call.

I think these ILs should have asked their DIL and should not have taken the word of their DS. They must have known the labour was long and the birth difficult and if they didn't then the DS should have told them. If they knew, then they should have suspected that they should give the DIL time to rest and recover. If they didn't know, then the DH really should have told them.

Math yes I agree the OPs DH didn't listen to her but I don't understand how you know that the ILs are squeamish, selfish, moronic, rude, and insensitive when the OP herself has said that they are lovely and it was down to the DH that they were visiting.