to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

But she absolutely WAS saying 'you are not allowed to let your parents meet the baby until I say it's ok.' She was TOTALLY saying that. That is the entire point of the thread.

No she was not dictating. The fact that you insist on seeing it that way reveals a profoundly misogynistic attitude.

The husband had agreed weeks beforehand that they would spend time together getting used to the baby, bonding, becoming a little family. He agreed begrudgingly, but he agreed, and they had thrashed it out, at length, weeks before the delivery. He had plenty of time to being it up again if he thought it was so important to him that his parents should visit and the togetherness wasn't that important to him.

Instead he decided to ignore the agreement and it was an agreement and that was one of the major points the OP made and have people over, six people no less, even though by the time he arranged the visit it should have been patently obvious to him that the initial reasons to spend the time privately together had just been greatly added to -- he had been at the delivery and he knew what his wife had just gone through, he had seen her stitched up or whatever else had happened, and yet he still thought she would be up for visitors.

It just boggles my mind that he could think this was in any way ok. I will repeat what I said earlier -- he and his family are morons.

'No. we have pretty much unanimously said that he was a bit stupid to bring them all around without checking with her first under the circumstances,a nd having however reluctantly 'agreed' he should not have gone against his word.'

This is the issue as the OP saw it, so therefore this is the issue. There is no other issue.

She didn't favour her family. She doesn't have a family to favour, just one sister whose presence was extremely important to her.

She knew what she needed for her delivery and she had an absolute right to have the people she needed there when she wanted them and not there when she didn't want them, just as she as a woman had an absolute right to ask for pain medication or none, or to have her baby breastfed exclusively after delivery or given a bottle in the newborn nursery. It may come as a surprise to many here, but the wishes of mothers when it comes to delivery are important enough for the medical community to take them seriously and they should be just as important to their families.

Unless of course we are living in a society where women are second class citizens whose duty it is to produce babies and get back as soon as possible to catering to their menfolk and the all important family of the father. There was a thread here only last week featuring advice to new mothers in the 1950s; some of the attitudes to this woman's reasonable hopes for the postnatal period belong squarely in the manuals young mothers were supposed to live by back in those days.

Right. Last time because I am bored now.

What if he had requested that they should have a few days privacy to bond, to allow her to heal and to get it together with the BF etc? What if he had said it with the best of intentions, with her wellbeing and health in mind, but also because he just wanted a quiet time, private time without interruptions?

What if he had said 'ok I accept that you want your DSis to be birth partner, but after that I would like us to be completely alone for two or three days so please tell your parents that they must not visit, and I'll tell mine.'

Would you be ok with that, and if not why not? Would you not think a man was terribly controlling if he said that? I would. And of course, I know you would too.

And whatever you say I will not respond, because I want you to have the last word Math. No, honestly, I really do. I am gifting it to you.

Oh dear. YANBU. I'm clearly going to get flamed for this, judging from other posts on this thread, but we didn't let either of our mothers visit for the first month (that isn't as bonkers as it sounds: they both live a long way away and would have had to stay with us, and we just didn't feel up to coping with house guests). If they'd lived in popping-in distance we'd have been happy for them to come round some time in the first week, have a cup of tea and coo over the baby for an hour or so. As it happens we were totally in agreement about this, but I would have been very annoyed if we'd agreed what to do and then DH had invited his mother (or mine for that matter!) to come and stay within a day or two.

And the breastfeeding thing is bonkers. Just do it: what can they do to you? You've only got your DH's word for it that it would upset them.

FGS The OP has said that she has a fantastic marriage she loves her ILs and that maybe she was being a tad unreasonable over this, but she knew she would feel nervous and anxious. Yes her DH should have listened to her concerns, likewise she should have taken into account his feelings. So a new dad got excited about their new baby and handled the situation wrongly, does not mean that he and his family are morons
OP I hope you and your DH continue to enjoy your new DD and if/when no2 comes along you will both have a better idea of what each other need in the weeks after birth. You sound lovely, as does your DH just don't feel you should hide away when your DD needs to be fed on accou;nt of their feelings

I think the OP was B a bit U to not agree a 20 minute 'cuddle the baby, congratulate me and leave' in the first couple of days. It is a big deal to new GPs. There should be no expectation of tea , cake or tidying up.

However, the fact that DH went behind her back like this is, in my opinion UNFORGIVABLE. You simply can't put your parent's wishes ahead of the explicit request of your wife, who has just given birth to your child for you. I think it would have been unwelcome, but understandable if DH had said on the first day after the new birth "I know you didn't want to but is there any chance...?"

I think the way we act in difficult, emotional times can be an indicator of our real character and priorities. OP needs to be able to trust her DH 100% with her child and her own well-being. I'm not surprised that she is constantly thinking back to what happened, and questioning whether in another situation he would put her and her child first.

A little bit surprised by the consensus against the OP tbh.

And whatever you say I will not respond, because I want you to have the last word Math. No, honestly, I really do. I am gifting it to you.
Exactly what I wanted to say

UNFORGIVABLE? For being over excited about his new born baby (his first baby) and wanting his family tojoin in? Nowhere has the OP said that her DH acted with any malicious or controlling intentions. He got it wrong, they should have both discussed it further, but you know what she is their first child, it was the unknown. No-one gets it all right with their first, hell I didn't get it all right with my third .

'What if he had said 'ok I accept that you want your DSis to be birth partner, but after that I would like us to be completely alone for two or three days so please tell your parents that they must not visit, and I'll tell mine.'

(She did say no family at all. She wanted no-one, including her sister, at home in their house once she left the hospital. She said that to him weeks ahead of the delivery. No-one. Not her family. Not his.)

His wishes about what happened after the delivery should take second place to hers because she, being the woman here, was the one who delivered the baby, a fact that so many people here seem in capable of understanding. What she felt she needed was what should have happened just as it should have happened if she had said she wanted to give birth in the birthing pool or to give birth with her feet strapped in stirrups. Her birth, her choice.

In the scenario you presented, HW, his wishes were as unreasonable as if he had wanted her to cook him a five course meal the day she got out of the hospital.

'I think the way we act in difficult, emotional times can be an indicator of our real character and priorities. OP needs to be able to trust her DH 100% with her child and her own well-being. I'm not surprised that she is constantly thinking back to what happened, and questioning whether in another situation he would put her and her child first.'

I agree 100%.

You were lucky that you missed it pictish-it got so ridiculous that I stopped reading it-rather like this one!

Really, a trivial problem? I don't think losing trust in your dp is trivial!
Seeker he should check with the wife first if she has just had a baby, or was otherwise ill or not fit for visits. I don't see why you don't see that is different from a 'regular' visit.

It is a trivial problem. She hasn't lost trust! He was merely euphoric and wanted his family to share it-he changed his mind. While I can see that you would check with your partner if parents wanted to come for the day or have a meal I certainly wouldn't check if they wanted to pop in for an hour.
If my parents said they were passing tomorrow and wanted to pop in for a quick cup of tea when I knew I was in, I wouldn't say 'wait a minute, I will just check with DH'!
As seeker keeps saying-she can go and have a quick bath and lie down-she doesn't have to see them-I'm sure they won't mind.

I'm a father.

When visitors came to see ME and MY child after the birth, my wife use to go to bed and have a sleep.

MathAnxiety- I take it you didn't get on with your MIL?

I've got the solution! He should have for his parents to wait out in the street, and taken the baby out for 5 minutes for them to meet her. I wonder if that would have been all right.

Huansagain

you are being very brave saying that - if i were you i'd duck before you get whacked in the face with math's bra

do you not know this is not the 1950s...you are not allowed to have an opinion

"What if he had said 'ok I accept that you want your DSis to be birth partner, but after that I would like us to be completely alone for two or three days so please tell your parents that they must not visit, and I'll tell mine.'

Would you be ok with that, and if not why not? Would you not think a man was terribly controlling if he said that? I would. And of course, I know you would too"

sounds fine to me. sounds ike a reasonable conversation between two adults. If I agreed to it I definitely then wouldn't do the opposite.

My mil didn't see her firstt grandson until he was 10 days old and my mother didn't see him until 2 weeks or more, no one shrivled up and died.

why do you think that scenario is controlling?

The solution seems to be that OP doesn't get involved in the visit-she leaves it to DH and stays out of the way.

Yes, unforgivable, TooManyOddSocks. i did state this was my opinion.

Being married to someone and having children with them, means that you have to be able to trust them. You are each other's next of kin. In an emergency or difficult situation I trust my DW to be looking out for our children first, me second and I owe the same to her. Being a birth partner, where you are expected to be an advocate for the mother, is just one example of this.

When we have children, and especially when we first have children, we think through who we can depend on in various circumstances - if you die, if you need emergency medical care, if your child needs some special care, if you have to entrust your child to someone, etc. OP can't be blamed for wondering if her DH will be respecting her wishes, or if he will be trying to please his parents, and she is better off depending on her DSis.

I am not saying that the OP should LTB, but this will not go away on its own. OP needs to explain, and DH needs to understand, why this was unacceptable.

Exotic it would be a major trust-breaker to me, I can only speak for myself.
Kind of wishing I lived in the sort of home where it was possible to have visitors and yet not see them!

I do think those talking about the importance of GPs seeing the baby are leaving out the important fact that it was 6 in-laws who came round - 4 of those, one assumes, were not as closely related as GPs and could easily have waited.

Can't tell you how much it sticks in my craw to be on the side of the man in practically any scenario!

"The solution seems to be that OP doesn't get involved in the visit-she leaves it to DH and stays out of the way."

really? you think you can plan this kind of thing with a newborn?
The reality of having a small new breastfed baby really does mean that the mother can't stay un-involved.
Fine if it all goes to 'plan' and the baby sleeps the whole time, isn't over stimulated and doesn't need food but not so good for a mum who is trying to stay out of the way if the baby doesn't do what the plan says.

Ok. Mother tucked up comfortably in bed. Visitors arrive. Dh settles them in the living room he has previously tidied and provides them with tea and biscuits.

He comes upstairs. If baby is feeding he goes away again and chats to his parents. Comes back- baby has briefly stopped feeding. So he takes baby downstairs and shows her off until she whinges, then he takes her back upstairs again. He has a glass of champagne with the visitors, says goodbye to them, washes up and then joins his dp and baby in the bedroom, carrying a tray of nice things to eat and the rest of the champagne. In an ideal world, the nice things would have been brought by the visitors, but this is real life, so he bought them when he went to buy the biscuits.

This discussion is getting completely out of proportion, Goodness!
The OP read too many threads on mumsnet before having the baby and got a little paranoid.
When I had my DS, my in laws came to the hospital to visit, they waited to come in the room until my DH gave them the ok (baby fed, me dressed, all ok). I would have been really upset if they wouldn't have made the effort to come and meet their new grandchild.

Op please just let it rest, be happy, honestly you will have more serious things to worry about. It is important to nurture love and care with your extend family for the sake of your child.

Agree timetotask. I think the vast majority of posters think that OP was being quite unreasonable to ban her ILs for the first few days after birth. However, it IS horrible when you are feeling in pain, tired, vulnerable and weak after a difficult birth to smile and host visitors. That is why I think the idea of playing host to lots of visitors at home when you feel this way is not a reasonable expectation in the first days after you've had a baby BUT I would never ban my ILS from popping in to the hospital or my house for an hour or so. I do think that was a very unfortunate situation to put your DH in and I'm not surprised he found it difficult to comply.

Still, it is done now and I don't think there is any point in re hashing it again. Just try to meet your DH half way......yes, he went against your agreement but equally he was hugely excited and wanted to share this moment with his probably equally excited parents.

Meanwhile, downstairs..
"And where is she then? Can't get out of bed? Oh clearly not coping well I never did think she'd cope well. Not like your sister, she was up and cooking sunday lunch ten minutes after having the triplets. It's all that breastfeeding, don't know why you don't just use a bottle and then granny can have a turn. I'll just nip upstairs and see how she's doing".
An alternative fantasy, but just as likely to happen as yours Seeker!

Cherries he shared it with 6 of his relatives, not just his parents. Not sure why this doesn't seem to make a difference to anyone!

Agree timetoask

I thought it was a lovely beautiful thing to watch my proud husband introduce our baby to his parents/ her grandparents on the day she was born. I would never dream of banning him that experience because it's his baby too. They didn't stay long but it was lovely.

Op had turned it into an issue before the baby was here. I wonder if she hadn't read any MN horror
Stories if it would have even occurred to her to ban the ils?