to be be miffed at dh regarding ils

[NameChangedJustInCase]

ok, Iv gone back to the name change in case iabu. This is not about bashing my ILS or DH. I get on perfectly well with them, they are lovely.

I joined mumsnet when i first became pregnant (so just over a year ago) and after reading a few threads on here, i decided to have a big conversation with dh about what was and what was not acceptable to do when baby finally got here ie, birth and just after. I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital, i wanted to slob about in my dressing gown with my boobs out comfortably trying to get breastfeeding established, trying to bond as a family with our new baby, resting when baby was resting. I didn't want to be running back and forth from the bedroom feeding dd, i explained all my reasons why i didn't want family there and made it very clear to him how uncomfortable it would make me feel. we argued a bit about it, he couldn't see why i would be ok for my dsis to be there and not his mum, because it was his baby as well ect but in the end he agreed that he would tell them no visitors for a few days til we got settled.

All good. Anyway, a couple of weeks later after an extremely long and traumatic labour i wake up to hear that dh had spoke to mil and told here that she (and the rest of the family) could come over. he told me that they would either be there that day (of me giving birth) or the next day as they were all excited and couldn't wait to celebrate and meet dd. i was upset, exhausted and defeated so i told him hed really let me down by doing this behind my back (whilst i was sleeping) but just went along with it. I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace.

I Know that dh loves me and he didn't do it maliciously or anything (he just got caught up and excited) but I still cant get it out of my mind. i have brought it up with him since but he says (quite rightly) that there is nothing we can do about it now,so i need to just let it go. aibu to still be seething about this months later and actually get the urge to slap him in the face when i think about how vulnerable i felt at the time? AM I????

'I said that if possible i would want my sister and him to be my birth partner but i did not want ANY visitors in the hospital other than the two of them, which he said was alright (he wanted to have his mum and other family members come to the hospital but i said i would not be comfortable with that, he wasn't that happy but accepted it was my decision ) i also made very very clear that i did not want any family to visit for the first few days of being out of hospital,'

Actually I think she didn't want her sister at home afterwards. We don't know how long she stayed in the hosp. She could have been packed off home within 24 hours. The sister, having been up and with her for the long and difficult labour and delivery would probably have gone home to sleep or wash ad change her clothes and in all likelihood would have spent very little time visiting in the hospital as a result.

Her 'family' consists of one sister (her dsis, best friend, mum and dad rolled into one) whom they both felt ok about at the time being there for the delivery. She didn't have a mother or father or even the sister over afterwards. Just his boorish family intruding where they weren't welcome.

On top of all that she has an anxiety disorder, which the DH chose to ignore, having people over when she was nervous about the state of the house, the way she was getting breastfeeding started, and her recovery, and which he fuels now by telling her she is not to breastfeed in front of his precious parents.

But she was allowed
To visit the hospital and stay after the birth

'I didn't want visitors
Other than the two of them'

Sorry but it's I, I, I

The labour was over. Should have been we, we, we

"I hope that everyone who has 'gatekeepers' and rations visits ends up with a boy themselves and then in 20/30 years or so they will understand the problem. Until then I doubt they do."

Having been the Husband in a similar scenario I think I understand it pretty well. My wife expressed a preference to have a couple of days to adjust to the new baby. I spoke to everyone who wanted to come over and explained this. The response was unilateral, "No worries, just let us know when it's convenient". Which it was about 24 hours later as my wife had a relatively easy birth.

Of course I was desperate for my Dad, my sister and my friends to meet our baby. But I was able to temper that excitement with wanting to make sure my wife had begun the recovery process and that the first day was all ours as a new family. Of course everyone is different and sometimes the opinions don't align within the family, like in the OPs case. The solution there is never going to be easy, but agreeing and then revoking the agreement precisely when the OP was most vulnerable is unpleasant.

OP, YANBU x

Sorry, but labour and delivery and recovery afterwards, establishing breastfeeding, trying to get on with life while one's perineum is stitched together is not we, we, we either, it's another I, I, I thing unless this H is some sort of medical anomaly. The DH needed to get over himself and accept that.

NameChanged wanted 'we, we, we' in the sense of just her and her husband and the baby getting used to each other as a little family of three for a matter of a few precious days before the world intruded. Apparently a ridiculous thing to hope for.

inabeautiful place I hope my DH has the sense you had in a few week's time!
I do wonder if some people on this thread have ever had a baby, perhaps a stork dropped them off.

I've had a baby

And I didn't create the baby by myself

Therefore DH had just as much input as me as to who visited and when and I didn't place such unfair restrictions on him before I was even in labour

Why assume people who don't automatically agree have never had a baby? Had one 7 weeks ago ta

I was referring to the lack of understanding or empathy about how big a drain childbirth (in whatever form) can be on the mother.

I doubt creating the baby was quite as tiring or emotional!

I think you got off lightly. I was being induced (for various reasons this took 5 days) ad a traumatic forceps delivery in theatre and was in hosptial for days. I had the in laws there withing a few hours of coming out of theatre AND they decided to come in the car with us on the way back from hospital. Just what you want, to be squashed in the middle seat between a car seat and FIL when you've had your bits stitched up! They then came every day after that and BF in my bedroom alone for most of that time!

DH's neice put a 2 week embargo on visits at home once she came out of hospital. Which seemed a little excessive to me but at least she was happy to see people whilst still in hospital where there was no need to worry about being a host or the state of the house and where the length of visits is policed by the hospital.

i think it is quite clear from the op that although a dictation discussion took place beforehand the dh's feelings were completely disregarded in total - there was no compromise made on the part of the op whatsoever (apparently influenced by what she read on mnetters threads). She left him in a position where he wasn't able to tell his family when they could visit. If she wanted to wait until breastfeeding was established - well that could take weeks if it ever gets established at all. I've never known a short visit by mum or MIL to prevent my family bonding.

if she had agreed to a quick 15 min visit at the outset in the hospital these issues wouldn't have come up and he wouldn't have been able to insist on more visits as she would have already made her compromise

no marriage can survive without compromise and unfortunately OP is finding that out the hard way because it will inevitably lead to an escalation which is what has happened here.

yes we all feel like absolute crap after childbirth -( i've had 3 igggi) but most of us are not a death's door and the delight it brings to the whole family circle is worth it. i wish my in laws had lived long enough to set eyes on my youngest

I've had two babies, labour and birth is no picnic, I felt quite shell shocked after having my first but I was glad to have my dad and mil visit briefly in hospital. Neither stayed for long and tbh, it's so busy and noisy in hospital with babies, staff and other people's visitors hardly makes much difference imo. It would never have occurred to me to have banned them.

Spot on blubbery

that's exactly right halcyondays - all 3 times i've been trying to establish breastfeeding in a postnatal ward being observed by everybody elses visitors

much rather have my mum and MIL looking on ( and bringing loads of goodies to eat just to keep my energy levels up and all the spare maternity pads that i' hadn't packed enough of)

'She left him in a position where he wasn't able to tell his family when they could visit.'

No she didn't. She and he had both agreed that they would spend a few days together. She didn't want to wait until breastfeeding was established. She just wanted a few days. Instead she had to be visitor ready for whatever time they decided to rock up to her house (because they didn't have the courtesy to invite themselves over at a specific time on a certain day, just left it all hanging and casual and up to them to decide what would suit them best. Lovely).

I've had five babies, and the one I felt most intruded upon was the one where I ended up sharing the car on the way home with my mother, three older DCs, baby DD3 and H, all squashed in like sardines. Mum and H thought it would be nice to have the other DCs accompany their new sister home from the hospital. Yes we survived but I don't think I was unreasonable to expect my mum or my H to look at the size of the vehicle, or the fact that there were two carseats involved and that the trip home would mean stop and go rush hour traffic, the fact that I needed to get dressed in the hospital with everyone milling around. And because everyone had spent so much time in the hosp and then getting home in the traffic I finally got to have some dinner about 8 pm, having had lunch at 12 noon. IF they had asked me I would have said please stay at home mum, get dinner ready, wash the DCs, feed them, or at least prepare a casserole that could be warmed up before leaving -- but no, excitement prevailed over common sense.

Best post natal experience of all was when DD2 was born. H and the older two came down with a violent stomach flu as soon as I got home from the hospital so DD2 and I kept to ourselves for five days. I ordered pizza and chinese and lounged around with DD2 while H took care of himself and the others and kept them away from me and little DD2. Bliss.

You have no way of knowing if the OP was on a ward or in a room. I was only ever in rooms and at most I shared with one other mother and baby. Three times out of five I had the room all to myself.

I do wonder if some people on this thread have ever had a baby, perhaps a stork dropped them off.

i've had one, and i had a really traumatic birth. to be honest i think even a short, straightforward birth would leave the mother feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

i can totally see how mothers wouldn't want large numbers of visitors in the days following the birth, and they are well within reason to say "not just yet" but i don't think this applies to a quick visit from GP's in the hospital. i went to hell and back to bring my DD into the world and once it was over i still managed to welcome IL's to the hospital for a cuddle with their grandchild. i know everyone is different but i just can't get my head around anyone not allowing grandparents to have a brief visit and the chance to congratulate their son (and DIL) in person

"She and he had both agreed that they would spend a few days together."

no she agreed this herself - she just told her DH this is what would be acceptable to her - i'm sure DH had a slightly different take on this discussion

"Instead she had to be visitor ready for whatever time they decided to rock up to her house (because they didn't have the courtesy to invite themselves over at a specific time on a certain day, just left it all hanging and casual and up to them to decide what would suit them best. Lovely)."

if she had let them visit at the hospital this situation wouldn't have arisen

"the one I felt most intruded upon was the one where I ended up sharing the car on the way home with my mother, three older DCs, baby DD3 and H, all squashed in like sardines......"

not really relevant to this discussion and you could've made better transport arrangements/childcare provision...probably constitutes a different thread tbh

ok, i was not expecting to come back to this many replies! Can people please stop making assumptions about what type of person i am? This was one area that i wanted a little control over. In every other aspect of my life i am a complete and utter pushover, to say doormat would be an understatement. so to call me controlling and the dil that you want to avoid is really quite horrid actually. I love my dh to pieces, i really love his family aswell. i just get very nervous and embarrassed over the smallest things, so i knew having visitors whilst i was sore, leaking, walking funny ect would be a huge stresser, yes for me, however dh is well aware that i have certain issues but still agreed to marry and have a child with me. I realize that seems quite selfish but thats the way it is here. we have a fantastic marriage. we compromise over most things. this is one incident, one that i have already agreed that yes i was probably being a bit unreasonable to begin with. My dsis never got to be there no, and like i said, now i actually knows what goes on in the room, im glad she couldnt make it and next time will just be myself and dh.... and whoever said that me and my sister organised the birth and called my dh a sperm doner, you are seriously out of order there. there is not one sentence in my op even insinuating that. my dh happens to be an amazing father.

"The mother doesn't have to be involved in the il's visit at all. She can have a lovely bath or a nap while her dp shares some special time with his parents and his baby. I honestly can't see what's wrong with that."

I'm going to keep repeating this until somebody explains what's wrong with this approach.

Actually that does make sense about the hospital being busy anyway. I've no idea about that as we had a home birth. OP does say quite clearly that it was for a couple of days though blubberyboo. You say you were happy with your family being there but the OP was not.

doesn't matter if you're in a ward or a room - you still have midwives, cleaners and catering staff milling in and out while your boobs are on display

Here you go seeker:

"I had to go home, deal with this tiny new little person, tidy the house (i know i should have just left it but i really cant do that) when i just wanted to take things at my own pace. "

oh and a few days is two or three days, not 10, two weeks, 6 months or whatever length of time some people have managed to come to. I was out the same day, the issue was dh allowing ils to visit (6 of them) after our discussion not that they are horrid people. They really are not. Anyway, people are right, it is silly to still be worked up about it now. i have a fantastic dh, a beautiful dd and thats what counts.