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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that my fiance is being stalked on Facebook and the girl concerned has a crush on him

88 replies

Kibokothepurplehippo · 10/04/2012 01:43

Hi everybody,

I would really appreciate your feedback on this. My fiance works full time and is taking a part time degree. He goes to college for one day every other week. A woman he works with is doing the same thing and although they don't see much of each other at work, they spend all day together at college. Since he joined Facebook last September, she 'likes' all his statuses pretty much instantaneously (in one case within 6 seconds), before I even get a chance to. If he puts he has a headache, she 'likes' it immediately, no joke. The only time there is a delay is if he puts something nice or romantic about me and 6 or 7 other people like it first. She put how wonderful his presentation was at college even though he was ill, 'bless ya' and how she went to his desk at work and he wasn't there. She gets him to double check all her coursework. She added him as a friend on messenger when her other friends on there are only her brother and step dad and his other friends are me and a guy who likes bikes. She added no one else from college or work. They met on a Saturday once to study and he was already in the city. She wanted to park at ours and have him walk back to walk her in, even though it is a straight line to walk in. She thought I was at work. The one time I saw them together, she was looking at him with big cow eyes. I know he won't cheat on me, so that's not the issue. It's the fact that he won't acknowledge her crush that annoys me. He's only been on Facebook 6 months, but insists that people put 'like' when someone's status says they're ill to show they've read it. I said it was more usual to put dislike in the comments box. He said it was only my friends who did that and there is no unspoken Facebook etiquette. Am I being unreasonable in thinking she has a crush or is he in denial? Thank you.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/04/2012 08:58

What, he's 40? Shock.

Like KristinaM I would be more concerned at having a 40 year old fiance who spends so much time on FB Hmm - hasn't he got better things to do with his time?

Ragwort · 10/04/2012 08:59

And haven't you got better things to do with your time than stalk both of them?

CurrySpice · 10/04/2012 09:04

Am I the only one who sniggered at liking it when it pops up? Blush

I think this thread might have infected me with teenageritis!

HolyCalamityJane · 10/04/2012 09:09

Get onto his facebook and de-friend her. Simple.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/04/2012 09:09

you've warned him, you trust him and so what is the issue??

If this ends up in an awkward situation then surely its his problem and he'll have learned the lesson you were trying to warn him of?

I'd not worry so much Smile

MigratingCoconuts · 10/04/2012 09:10

arf at curryspice!

fedupofnamechanging · 10/04/2012 09:15

This would irritate me too, I'm afraid. I think it's disrespectful to be all puppy dog eyes at a person who is involved with someone else.

Your fiance shouldn't be proof reading her coursework - he should tell her that it isn't appropriate (she should be doing it completely by herself, she's not 15).

I would tell my fiance that she is annoying me, that she hasn't got a clearly defined sense of appropriate boundaries and if he didn't distance himself a bit, then I would view that as encouraging her. And your fiance is encouraging her.

It comes down to whether your feelings are more important to him than this silly, childish (but irritating) fb behaviour.

I would ask him to hide his status updates from her - not de friend, because that would be unnecessarily rude, but just create a bit of distance. No more meeting up on the weekend either - it just isn't necessary. I'm sure the pair of them can complete their own work without spending Saturday together.

All the business of him escorting her, is her leaning on him, the way you might with a boyfriend and isn't appropriate. He should withdraw from that a bit, or it is giving a message that her behaviour is okay and it is a bit full on, really.

GrahamTribe · 10/04/2012 09:23

You'd ask another grown-up to stop meeting up with someone during the weekend (who they've only met up with once before) because of your insecurities, Karma? This is a grown man FGS, can the poor guy not choose his own friends?

TheSecondComing · 10/04/2012 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrahamTribe · 10/04/2012 09:27

Oh great, thanks TheSecondComing, I just laughed so loud I woke a very over-tired, grumpy DC. Thanks a bunch. Grin

QuacksForDoughnuts · 10/04/2012 09:28

Nothing they are doing is intrinsically 'wrong' - for example I 'liked' or commented on two statuses by my male colleague this morning. He's gay and I'm in a serious relationship with someone who is also a friend of his, so there's nothing like that going on, it's just that he has a way with words when fb-ing on the early train. My first few contacts on any social network/online communication were random coursemates, just because that was who I knew. This woman does look like she's going overboard a bit, but if she doesn't cross the line into overt flirting/slagging you off you shouldn't expend a lot of energy worrying.

Something that has worked for me in the past is getting to know the 'other woman' concerned. Half the time I've realised that I have nothing to worry about and she genuinely only likes my OH as a friend. The other half, well, the advantages are that a) it humanises me to her, as in she can see that I am a real and possibly likeable person rather than a two-dimensional bad girl, and b) I get to be couply with OH in front of her and have conversations that show the strength of our relationship so she knows I can't be pushed aside. Seriously, invite her to dinner sometime, worst case scenario she won't be able to pretend he is available and she can't be much of a threat on your own turf, best case scenario you make a new friend.

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 09:29

Grin at TSC

LeQueen · 10/04/2012 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/04/2012 09:31

to be honest, it would annoy me too....but there just isn't anything you can/should do.

If there is a problem at all, then its for your husband to sort, when he sees that its a problem.

up til then, you need to trust the friendship!

fedupofnamechanging · 10/04/2012 09:32

It's not about being insecure - it's about sending a message to someone that their behaviour isn't really appropriate. If we were talking about spending time with a friend, that would be entirely fine, but this woman isn't behaving like a friend - she's behaving like a woman with a crush. I think a man in a relationship should discourage it.

Maybe I'm odd, but I wouldn't like some woman to be making puppy dog eyes at my husband (and that's not about me not trusting him - I would feel it was disrespectful to me) and I would expect my dh to knock it on the head.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 09:34

OMG the whole things makes much more sens if you read it in the voice of Vicky Pollard.

Yeah but no...but yeah but no...

GrahamTribe · 10/04/2012 09:34

I asked that one first, LeQueen. Wink Grin

If "liking" someone's FB posts quickly or regularly is an indication that the liker is overly interested in you my DH had better look out because an awful lot of my hitherto believed to be straight, married MN friends on FB are obviously rampant lesbians/bisexuals who are interested in nothing other than having their wicked way with me. Hmm

Bucharest · 10/04/2012 09:37

Agree with almost everyone.

You all sound abut 14, and while she could argue she has every right to a proper friendship (Facebook or otherwise) with someone she is studying with,(and she does, whether you like it or not...and I get my friends to check work I've done if I think they might have a valid input to add, whether they be male or female) you on the other hand have diddley rights to be stalking her like some mad insecure madster, or checking up on him like some bunny boiler.

Have I mentioned you sound mad?

GrahamTribe · 10/04/2012 09:37

Karma, the woman's behaviour is only "inappropriate" to you, because you don't like it (be that owing to insecurity, as I maintain, or otherwise). It's probably perfectly appropriate to her.

RhinosDontEatEasterEggs · 10/04/2012 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 10/04/2012 09:43

You do sound incredibly insecure and jealous (been there!) but have you ever stopped to think that the more you bug your fiance about this new friend of his the more he will lean on said new friend and confide in her? I have seen it happen so many times (and not just on T.V Grin )

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 10/04/2012 09:44

It would irritate me too. It does irritate me as my OH has a similar crushee.

We read on these boards how OH's start an EA, I think it's sensible to get him to at least acknowledge what's going on, then he's no excuse if (and when) she starts taking things too far.

greencolorpack · 10/04/2012 09:44

I can relate to this, one of dhs friends only ever comments on my Facebook page to make remarks about my dh looking good in pictures. Every time she does it it rubs me up the wrong way. But they are not having an affair and so I should just get over it. I know I would never say someone else's husband looks good in Facebook photos.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 10/04/2012 09:45

You are in your 40s Shock

If he is going to cheat, he will cheat.

If she is going to try it on, she will try it on.

Get a grip woman, he basically has two women fighting over him atm

LeQueen · 10/04/2012 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.