to think that my fiance is being stalked on Facebook and the girl concerned has a crush on him

[Kibokothepurplehippo]

Hi everybody,

I would really appreciate your feedback on this. My fiance works full time and is taking a part time degree. He goes to college for one day every other week. A woman he works with is doing the same thing and although they don't see much of each other at work, they spend all day together at college. Since he joined Facebook last September, she 'likes' all his statuses pretty much instantaneously (in one case within 6 seconds), before I even get a chance to. If he puts he has a headache, she 'likes' it immediately, no joke. The only time there is a delay is if he puts something nice or romantic about me and 6 or 7 other people like it first. She put how wonderful his presentation was at college even though he was ill, 'bless ya' and how she went to his desk at work and he wasn't there. She gets him to double check all her coursework. She added him as a friend on messenger when her other friends on there are only her brother and step dad and his other friends are me and a guy who likes bikes. She added no one else from college or work. They met on a Saturday once to study and he was already in the city. She wanted to park at ours and have him walk back to walk her in, even though it is a straight line to walk in. She thought I was at work. The one time I saw them together, she was looking at him with big cow eyes. I know he won't cheat on me, so that's not the issue. It's the fact that he won't acknowledge her crush that annoys me. He's only been on Facebook 6 months, but insists that people put 'like' when someone's status says they're ill to show they've read it. I said it was more usual to put dislike in the comments box. He said it was only my friends who did that and there is no unspoken Facebook etiquette. Am I being unreasonable in thinking she has a crush or is he in denial? Thank you.

Sounds like she definitely has a crush & he needs to wake up before it gets out of hand. You could go down the route of she doesn't realise it's unacceptable but I personally wouldn't like it. I'm sure some people would tell you to laugh it off though.
I think Facebook or generally ignoring things can lead to some dodgy situations. Good luck

I'd say she has a crush but it's all a bit childish really. If you trust him and are happy with the time they spend together for study then it's not a massive problem. I'd say stalking is taking it a bit ott though. Just ignore her. :)

You are basing this on 'likes' and comments on Facebook? In the nicest possible sense, get a grip. If you are certain he won't cheat , why the problem?

Thank you so much for your feedback. I told him she had a crush and he said she could dance round naked in front of him for all he cares as he'd never cheat on me. I said the problem is if he doesn''t do anything to discourage her, it could lead to a potentially embarrassing situation for both of them as she will escalate and may well end up dancing round naked in front of him. He said he talks about me all the time, so that should be enough. Then he actively encourages her by accepting her request on messenger, even though he adamantly denies accepting her. It's not technically possible to do it otherwise. He's an idiot sometimes. He has low self esteem and finds it difficult to believe anyone fancies him, so they have to be really, really blatant before he notices.

Yes, it does sound like she has a crush, but isn't it just a bit funny/cringey?!

I mean you clearly have nothing to worry about, and it's a bit embarrassing for her, but that's it right?

Once she realises it's all utterly one-sided, she'll move on.

The problem is I just want him to acknowledge it. He won't acknowledge anyone is attracted to him, and while she irritates me, I'm more concerned about him. If she isn't discouraged, she might overtly hit on him and he would be mortally embarrassed. I think he needs to knock it on the head now before it becomes a more serious problem.

You sounded quite reasonable until you called him an idiot with low self esteem. He's told you what he's done about it & you could cause trouble by carrying on. What do you want him to do? Speak to her & make it clear or not have anything to do with her? He might find the latter a bit ott. He might be willing to speak to her but if he's not very confident that won't happen easily.

Now if she dances around naked in front of him, then I'd be tempted to have a strong word in her shell-like! ;) Only thing I wouldn't like is the 'lying' about adding/accepting her on messenger. If you know this for fact (I know nowt about these things), it's out of order. If someone can lie about one thing ........ Oh and just one other thing. Men always know if a women fancies them, they may however want us to believe otherwise (to save our feelings etc).

You want him to say that you are right? Why? What good will that do you?

She could just be ridiculously friendly. I remember going to a course for the first time and zoning in on people too much in order to not feel so isolated, inviting myself to where thru were going, trying to give people my number etc, I was v pathetic but I wasn't flirting etc. it could be completely innocent and if you force him to tell her to back off, it could be mortifying on her behalf. Stop being jealous and insecure for your own sake and his.

LilBlondePessimist, yes maybe stalking is the wrong word, but wasn't sure how many letters I had for the title. I think she does spend time poring over his page though. It is so pathetically childish, on one hand it's laughable, but irritating. I'm in my 40's and I feel like a schoolgirl is after my man. On the other hand, he annoys me, because he tries to make out it's all in my head. If he just said 'yes, she does, but it's no big deal', we'd probably just laugh about it. His flat out denial makes me feel like I'm going mad and imagining it. So basically I'm just looking for a 'yes she is, you don't behave like this unless you have a crush, or no she hasn't, you're seeing things that aren't there'. It's not serious to our relationship, more like a canvassing of opinion like 'do you prefer footballers or rugby players?'

MordecaiAndTheRigbys I'm not being jealous and insecure. She's only behaving like this with him and I basically just wanted him to not look like he was encouraging her, so it would stop on it's own. Yes, it could be completely innocent, which was why I was asking for other opinions. I think she's probably quite nice, irritating, but nice. It's not like I despise her or anything, but I'm worried if she feels he's encouraging her (mostly him not noticing overtures), she will hit on him and they'll both be embarrassed. I said she'd be really hurt if he rejected her then. He said just now he'll make it clear he's happy in the relationship he's in without embarrassing her, He still won't admit she has a crush though and sees it as a precautionary measure. This is where I worry about his self esteem, because he won't believe anyone finds him attractive. He says he doesn't understand why I do, he's just grateful that I do.

Sorry but you are jealous and miffed that someone else likes 'your man' as you term it. Why do you need him to admit it. Come on now, not having a go, just be honest with yourself!

Alltheseboys Right, ok I did say he can be an idiot, but more in an affectionate way meaning he was oblivious. I've just worked 14 hours, half asleep and it was an unfortunate choice of word. He does have really low self esteem, which he told me himself, so it's not conjecture on my part. It causes him a lot of problems. I've tried so many things to help him and they don't work. He feels uncomfortable when he's paid compliments. I do still pay them, but can't do too many or he snaps at me. All I can do is tell him how much I love him and that he means the world to me, which is true.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys I meant 'my man' as opposed to a teenaged boy. I'm miffed at the whole situation. If he realised what was going on, I'd be amused if anything, and probably think it was quite sweet. She seems to be doing it in quite an innocent way. (If she was asking him to have sex with her it would be different) It became a problem because he wouldn't believe it was a crush as he didn't think it possible and tried to make out it was in my imagination. I said for her sake not to encourage her, then he accepted her friend request on messenger. That really bothers me because he swears he didn't do anything and yet it's not technically possible for them to be friends if he hadn't accepted the request. So either, he's lying, he's been hacked or he did it on auto pilot and says he doesn't remember. He said it wasn't the last one, he did nothing. He also has a habit of keeping things from me, usually minor as it turns out, because he doesn't want to worry me.

You accuse her of stalking him on fb yet you have been studying how long it takes her to like his status and you know who she has on private messaging? Sounds to me like your fiancé has this more in perspective than you tbh!

Agree with Curry spice.

I agree with CurrySpice as well.

Men will never complain when a woman shows them attention. They will shrug it off and love the attention but it dosn't mean they are going to chaet.

'She gets him to double check all her coursework.' - he shouldn't be doing this.

'either, he's lying, he's been hacked or he did it on auto pilot and says he doesn't remember'
He's fudging because he can see how fixated you are on this. Hard to tell whether he actually likes her as a friend or whether she is just clinging like a limpet. I would try to let it go but encourage him to spend far less time on Facebook (tbh this would be healthy for everyone IMO)

Is there anyone in this trio who is over 14? A guy who can't speak out for himself, a girl who likes his ever FB status and another girl who doesn't like her liking him?! Please!

CurrySpice has a very, very valid point.

Sorry, "everY FB status."

I agree. A man in his 40 s with a full time job, a part time course and a fiance seems to have a lot of free time on his hands for facebook, messaging etc

You all need to get off Facebook, and tbh I thought you were young, 19/20, when I read you are in your 40s I was quite surprised, you sound like a bunch of kids.

Again tbh you sound more stalkerish re his computer habits than she does.

You all sound absolutely ridiculous and immature.

You say she is stalking him, but so far all I can see is YOU stalking HER.

The sort of person who puts "i have a headache" as their status is attention seeking... the sort of person who "likes" it is pandering to them, and as for "dislike".... that is just as bloody daft. The lot of you need to turn off your computers and rejoin reality.