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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was she BU or am I? (Stupid jealousy thing)

93 replies

CuttedUpPear · 08/04/2012 19:00

Sorry this is a bit lengthy, trying not to drip feed.
DP and I have been together for 4.5 years, we don't live together but about 45 mins away.
On Thursday I went to see him after I'd been a friend's party, which was invited too but he felt to tired to attend.
He lives in a shared house with 2 other men, they are all old friends.

They had a visitor - another old friend who they have all known for about 15 yrs. She was staying over with them for work in the area the next day, she lives abroad. The background is that DP had a serious illness 2 yrs ago, he is over it now and happily getting regular good scans from the hospital, and Dear Friend hasn't seen him in 3 yrs since before he had it.

I have only met DF once before very briefly. When I arrived at the house, quite late, she was sat on the sofa with DP, chatting quite normally with the whole household there. All of them had been drinking but especially DP. He was beyond merry and wasn't really capable of conversation.
I sat on the other side of him on the sofa and we all talked. Within a few minutes she started rubbing DP's knee as she talked to me about work (we are going to be working on the same project soon). Next I noticed she had taken his hand.

I am not the jealous type but it ruffled me. I told myself to get a grip and went to the loo and got a glass of water. I gave it ten minutes and walked back in the room. DF was even closer to DP than earlier and had her head tucked into his shoulder and her hands entwined with his. He was quite passive in all this, being so drunk I doubt he really noticed.

I decided to try to get over myself and went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. DP did notice my absence and started shouting for me then followed me into the room. He knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it, knowing how these things turn put when at least one of you is drunk. Anyway the long and the short is that although I tried to defuse things and encourage him to go to sleep, he got mad at me and told me to eff off so many times that I had no option but to leave.

The next day we talked and I assured him that I didn't think they had anything going on but that I felt she was being inappropriate.
Sadly I am going to be working with her this summer and I wish I wasn't.

I know it's not a big deal compared to many people's problems, but I keep dwelling on it and just wanted to know, what would you feel if it was you?

OP posts:
laptopcomputer · 08/04/2012 19:04

I think it was your DP being ocmpletely unreasonable, not you or her.

Panamama · 08/04/2012 19:07

Good grief. It sounds like you ended up being the one who was apologetic, reassuring him. I hope he apologised profusely to you for telling you to fuck off after you left the room because another woman was entwining hands with him, rubbing his body and acting like his lover!

chocolatebuttin22 · 08/04/2012 19:09

I would have gone bad. I think you handled it very well xx

Panamama · 08/04/2012 19:09

Tbh if it was me, I'd want to tell him to fuck off- because I acted with such self-restraint and got a load of abuse in return for it. I'd be absolutely furious at being talked to like that and humiliated and sworn at.

puds11 · 08/04/2012 19:10

if that was my DP she was fondeling i would have very polietly told her to get her fucking dirty mits hands off my DP. Perhaps im just the jealous type

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2012 19:12

Not at one single point in your OP have you acknowledged that your boyfriend was bang out of order.

Not just for allowing this woman to rub his knee, hold his hand and snuggle into him...but to tell you to fuck off repeatedly when you're less than bloody pleased about it.

Why is that? Confused

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 08/04/2012 19:12

She was trying to wind you up, for whatever reason seemed sensible to her silly little brain at that moment. Just be completely professional with her at work, and ignore her completely everywhere else. If she's at your DP's house just ignore her. If she speaks directly to you, just answer her with as few words as possible and go back to what you were doing. Think of her as an annoying gnat buzzing about. If anyone says anything just do a sort of amazed "but why would I want to... talk to/be pally with/do XYZ with her? she's not my friend, she's yours. I don't know her at all, and let's face it, she hardly made a good first impression on me." Lather rinse repeat...
If she throws herself at your DP just laugh at her. Ask if she's cold/lonely/not getting any/desperate, then snog the face of him and smirk at her over his shoulder. It will go right over the bloke's heads and get right up her nose Grin

therumoursaretrue · 08/04/2012 19:14

I really admire your self-restraint OP, I'm afraid I wouldn't have been do dignified!

She was BU and so was your DP. Bring drunk isn't an excuse for behaving like that.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/04/2012 19:20

Your 'D'P should have told her to not behave that way, or should have moved away from her. You shouldn't have to handle something like that. Fighting over a 'boy' is so teenage, I can fully see why you didn't want to lower yourself by telling her to get her fucking mitts off him.

Even when drunk, people know what they are doing, they just stop caring/worrying about it. Your 'partner' and his 'friend' were both hugely disrespectful towards you.

Still, even making allowances for him being drunk, the swearing was vile and he should be the one begging forgiveness, not you being apologetic.

I'd end the relationship - he's behaving like a skanky student, not a grown man. You deserve someone with some manners and some respect for you.

As for working with her - keep it cool and professional. No personal talk at all. Thankfully, working with her is not a permanent thing.

TidyDancer · 08/04/2012 19:20

It depends on the dynamic of their friendship as to whether she was being inappropriate. If this makes you uncomfortable, your boyfriend needs to handle it.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/04/2012 19:22

Having said all that, it's really tempting to belt her one, just for being so fucking rude, so well done for resisting I might not have.

BulletProof · 08/04/2012 19:27

If that was me... I would have asked her outright why she was rubbing his knee holding hands with him? He was drunk and maybe not aware... She probably was too but still, why didn't you say something at the time?

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 19:29

I'd be fucked off with your DP.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2012 19:30

He was drunk and maybe not aware

Surely he'd have to be totally passed out to be unaware someone was holding his hand and rubbing his knee whilst talking to him?

ENormaSnob · 08/04/2012 19:33

I would be livid tbh.

BulletProof · 08/04/2012 19:35

I've seen people before who are so drunk they are not aware of what's happening and the consequences...some types of alcohol can make you completely stupid... Not saying its not his fault, although I cant see why he would have done it infront of his girlfriend if he had something to hide... Whatever the case, it's rude and unnecessary.

everlong · 08/04/2012 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BulletProof · 08/04/2012 19:36

I agree she was probably trying to wind you up and he's either too weak or ok stupid to do anythig about it...

ENormaSnob · 08/04/2012 19:37

If they are like that whilst you are there I wonder what they do when you are not.

Drink would be no excuse for me.

How long have you been with him?

QuacksForDoughnuts · 08/04/2012 19:41

It could just be how she's always behaved towards her male friends, whether out of possessiveness or anything else, but seriously? Neither she nor your partner felt even the slightest suspicion that boundaries might change when one of them is in a relationship? [buhmm] If it is just their 'natural' dynamic then you need to keep being open that it bothers you, maybe manouvre (can't spell that) things so she doesn't end up next to him, possibly even get in on the action and hug/stroke her a bit because obviously you know that's expected if you want to be part of the group. [buwink] If she's doing territorial marking, it requires a lot of eye-rolling on your part, being more couply with your partner than usual, and physically getting between them where possible. Slightly immature? Maybe, but less so than she's being.

gafhyb · 08/04/2012 19:42

I think I'd have been tempted to throw the water on them. My younger, less-restrained self would have (and would have totally lost the moral high ground).

I can just about understand him not reacting to the hand holding etc, but to swear at you .... It's adding up to something not very nice. I think you are going to have to be very dignified but keep a very close eye on things. Sounds like she was marking her territory with him, and as such, is not a friend of your relationship. If it looks like he's quite enjoying this, I'd confront again.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 08/04/2012 19:43

Norma It's quite possible that there is no physical contact between them when OP isn't there, my ex had a colleague who he didn't even get on brilliantly with when they were at work but who always felt the need to get as close to him as possible and make frequent 'ExMrQuacks and I' type statements when I was around...

scummymummy · 08/04/2012 19:58

Poor you. I would have felt really jealous and angry too. Perhaps she's just a very touchy feeley person? People do vary in their comfort levels in touching/being touched by others. What for some is an utter no-no except as a precursor to a shag is to others a way of saying hi there great aunt mary and uncle john and my old friend peter. I do think that in some ways it's a good sign that your presence didn't put her off! Surely if there was anything going on they would be super secretive when you were around?

Did your partner apologise for being so horrible to you? Telling you to fuck off was nasty and out of order++++. Drunkenness is no excuse for that.

NarkedPuffin · 08/04/2012 20:01

You've been with him for 4.5 years and you don't live together? Could she be under the impression that you're not that serious?

ilikecandyandrunning · 08/04/2012 20:07

She is an arse and he is an even bigger arse for letting her do that. He nerds to apologise to you and have words with her and tell her that is unnaceptable - if he doesn't, you need to consider if you really want to be with him

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