Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Was she BU or am I? (Stupid jealousy thing)

93 replies

CuttedUpPear · 08/04/2012 19:00

Sorry this is a bit lengthy, trying not to drip feed.
DP and I have been together for 4.5 years, we don't live together but about 45 mins away.
On Thursday I went to see him after I'd been a friend's party, which was invited too but he felt to tired to attend.
He lives in a shared house with 2 other men, they are all old friends.

They had a visitor - another old friend who they have all known for about 15 yrs. She was staying over with them for work in the area the next day, she lives abroad. The background is that DP had a serious illness 2 yrs ago, he is over it now and happily getting regular good scans from the hospital, and Dear Friend hasn't seen him in 3 yrs since before he had it.

I have only met DF once before very briefly. When I arrived at the house, quite late, she was sat on the sofa with DP, chatting quite normally with the whole household there. All of them had been drinking but especially DP. He was beyond merry and wasn't really capable of conversation.
I sat on the other side of him on the sofa and we all talked. Within a few minutes she started rubbing DP's knee as she talked to me about work (we are going to be working on the same project soon). Next I noticed she had taken his hand.

I am not the jealous type but it ruffled me. I told myself to get a grip and went to the loo and got a glass of water. I gave it ten minutes and walked back in the room. DF was even closer to DP than earlier and had her head tucked into his shoulder and her hands entwined with his. He was quite passive in all this, being so drunk I doubt he really noticed.

I decided to try to get over myself and went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. DP did notice my absence and started shouting for me then followed me into the room. He knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it, knowing how these things turn put when at least one of you is drunk. Anyway the long and the short is that although I tried to defuse things and encourage him to go to sleep, he got mad at me and told me to eff off so many times that I had no option but to leave.

The next day we talked and I assured him that I didn't think they had anything going on but that I felt she was being inappropriate.
Sadly I am going to be working with her this summer and I wish I wasn't.

I know it's not a big deal compared to many people's problems, but I keep dwelling on it and just wanted to know, what would you feel if it was you?

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2012 21:14

DogEared
"Your DP is an arse, and the woman was being rude. If he's drinking to the extent where he doesn't know what's going on around him, you cannot trust him. What if they were alone? What if she would have kissed him, and he was too pissed to do anything about it? What about oral sex? Would alcohol have taken the blame for him then?"

I wonder what would happen if we spun the sexes around?

ENormaSnob · 08/04/2012 21:16

Everlong, she was a twat too.

The boyfriend went on to tell the op to fuck off tho.

everlong · 08/04/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2012 21:20

everlong

I'm normally the first to point out the blatent men hating that goes on quite a lot of the time on MN.

However, in this case the woman owes the OP absolutely nothing....she's not even a friend of hers.

The man however certainly does owe the OP loyalty, having been in a relationship with her for over 4 years.

Yes, the woman was crass but it's down to the man to let her know it's unacceptable...not to sit there lapping it up and then repeatedly tell his girlfriend to fuck off when she says she's not happy about it.

everlong · 08/04/2012 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 08/04/2012 21:50

I've been thinking about the drink thing.
I have of course tackled it many times with DP, stating plainly that since he is unpleasant to me when he is drunk that I do not want him to drink when he is with me. He has mostly managed this and usually we have a really nice time together (although with both of us having careers, that time is limited).
What other tactics can I use? (Please no AA etc - for me anyway- as I don't have the time or the inclination).

OP posts:

everlong · 08/04/2012 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EightiesEasterChick · 08/04/2012 22:25

OK, so you're all right with the relationship continuing on the current terms as long as he doesn't drink around you. I don't think everyone would take this position but clearly you do. So then there needs to be unpleasant consequences for him if he breaks the agreement, e.g. he doesn't get to see you for a while. Has that been the case with this recent episode? Tbh it doesn't sound like it, given what you posted about reassuring him the next morning. What incentive is there for him not to repeat the events of the other night?

blubberyboo · 08/04/2012 22:25

everlong i agree that she was equally as wrong as the dp...she might not know the OP but everyone ought to show people respect for both old friends and their partners..she was disrespecting her own friend's relationship.

OP as the daughter of an alcoholic I have to say that alcohol is always going to be a factor of such incidences in your relationship. Unless he is prepared to go teetotal then you are going to come up against this verbal abuse again and again any time he drinks. Please don't ever move yourself and your kids in with him unless he can sort this out. i know your partner is not an alcoholic but he has a problem with how he behaves with drink in him.

marriedinwhite · 08/04/2012 22:36

I may be old and boring but you have dc; this man treats you badly when he has been drinking. Is that a recipe for a happy future?

DinahMoHum · 08/04/2012 22:44

he was sober enough to come upstairs and ask you whats wrong and tell you to fuck off, so im assuming he was sober enough to know she was fondling him

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 08/04/2012 22:50

Hey op just wanted to day that I didn't mean to call you immature earlier, I meant your dp!

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 08/04/2012 22:57

Both your "D"P and his friend were out of line. Your partner for being so rude and aggressive towards you and ofcourse his twat of a friend for being a wind up merchant. can't stand people like that and I've met a few.

I've only skimmed the replies really but do yoiu think he got so angry with you because you didn'treact in the way he wanted you to? You sound like you were very reasonable and controlled (well done btw, I would have been livid!). Maybe he wanted you to get jealous and really show it? Tell the friend to back off and "keep ya hands off ma man!" sort of thing.

Or maybe he's just a knob who can't handle his drink?

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2012 23:52

OK well I went off him when you said he was too tired to go to a party with you, but then you found him pissed with a woman fondling him.

OP, you can do better than this. I know it's a struggle finding a man of that age, but your struggle's not over! I do wish you'd said something to her, but now that you'll be working together you will know you can't trust her, which is something, I suppose.

Tell him to sod off. His drinking's a problem, his attitude's a problem and his lack of energy is a problem.

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 09/04/2012 09:33

Hi Imperial. DP's lack of energy is because he's just gone back into work (in a quite demanding field) after having level 4 lung cancer. He wasn't given a good prognosis of living through the next two years but he has amazed his doctors by getting this far clear. They have asked him to contribute video and written testimonies to inspire other sufferers.
I mentioned his illness earlier upthread and said he told me that the DF was cuddling him because they had just been talking about it.

So..we have established that DF was out of order.
DP is also out of order for turning on me whilst drunk.
Now I have to work out how to handle her presence in my life this summer, and how to get DP to deal with his Jekyll and Hyde drinking.

OP posts:

Binkybix · 09/04/2012 09:43

I used to go out with someone who, if not an alcoholic, definitely had issues with drinking and i recognise the Jekyll and Hyde thing. It made for a pretty miserable life really, combined with some other factors. We split up for many reasons, but very much fuelled by the drinking. Is it a recent thing after his illness, or has it always been a problem? I don't think I could have that sort of thing in my life anymore, just not worth it for me.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2012 10:45

I'm sorry, CuttedUpPear; I don't think I've ever got it so wrong!

Having said that, would he be told by doctors that he should keep healthy now? It sounds as though he should have a vested interest in not drinking now.

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 09/04/2012 10:49

Hi Binky...the drinking has always been a problem. DP was a chain smoker when I met him, but I made him give up within a few months of us getting together - as a condition of our relationship. (Ironic then about the lung cancer later.) His father is an alcoholic and his brother drinks heavily too, they do it together regularly.

I do think that DP is an alcoholic in the way that he feels he needs to drink or otherwise something is missing from his life.
When he is with me he will carefully only have one or two drinks at most, I have laid down the law (I thought).

I feel that it would be hard to demand that he stop altogether; there is an element of him feeling needs some oblivion sometimes after a near death experience.
I am NOT excusing it by the way and actually feel that it is very weak willed. The fact that he is alive at all (and has me in his life, haha) should be enough celebration.

OP posts:

gafhyb · 09/04/2012 10:51

It sounds like you pretty much know the relationship will stay on this level, and living apart is a way of keeping a reasonable distance so this can't affect you or your DCs too much. This is an unpleasant little bit of "bleeding" into that.

marriedinwhite · 09/04/2012 12:19

OP - you can't get the dear friend out of your life this summer because on a professional basis you have to work with her. On a personal level there is no reason to be involved with her and I would quietly whisper there is no need to remain involved with your boy friend either. Draw a line in the sand OP and move on - you and your dc deserve more.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/04/2012 12:37

"DP has a problem with 'the drink' (IMO) as he can have one or two but after three he starts getting arsey with me."

"When he is with me he will carefully only have one or two drinks at most, I have laid down the law (I thought)."

So he CAN control how much he drinks, but he often CHOOSES not to.

It sounds as if your relationship with this man is in some sort of holding pattern - suiting you both, largely, but absolutely going nowhere. Wouldit be a better idea to look elsewhere?

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 09/04/2012 12:45

Hi Imperial no worries! I didn't go into too much detail about DP's illness in my OP to save word count but maybe should have.
And you are so right about keeping him healthy now. I keep on at him about looking after his liver. He should have a vested interest but it seems that something bad will have to happen before he will listen.

By the way I thought I'd mention that my DCs are 20 and 15, so the youngest probably only has a few years left living with me, the oldest is at Uni.
Actually they really like DP and miss him when they don't see much of him. He is normally a calm and relaxing presence.

gafhyb you are spot on, I fear. We are talking about a future living together but it can't happen while he continues to be a victim of the drink.

OP posts:

Originalplurker · 09/04/2012 12:51

I'd have flipped my lid, honestly...

Inappropriately intimate almost, I think you were very restrained. Hope you straighten it out with your dp.

Now as for working with her, poor you, watch her like a hawk she is not to be trusted I think she has the potential to be sly and manipulative.

What was her motivation for doing that? If she doesn't fancy him was it to get at you? If so why?....watch her....trust me bet she doesn't have many female friends.

Original poster

CuttedUpPear · 09/04/2012 13:57

That bloody woman. To make things worse, I was booked into a day long meeting with her and the directors of the company I work for. She arranged the day before (and this before the fondling incident) that my part of the meeting was reduced from all day to just the last two hours, which went on in the evening. It was really important to me to be witness to the whole process as we are just starting to create a new event.

She has just started work for the company, I've been working freelance for them for 3 years.
I don't know if I'm being paranoid but I am doubting myself.

OP posts:

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 09/04/2012 14:10

Is she senior to you? I was just wondering how she was able to change a meeting that you had arranged and can she stop you being there...?

I would be seriously rethinking my relationship with this man. I was with someone who drank more than I was comfortable with and now I get a bit gittery if DH has more than a couple of drinks.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread