Was she BU or am I? (Stupid jealousy thing)

[CuttedUpPear]

Sorry this is a bit lengthy, trying not to drip feed.
DP and I have been together for 4.5 years, we don't live together but about 45 mins away.
On Thursday I went to see him after I'd been a friend's party, which was invited too but he felt to tired to attend.
He lives in a shared house with 2 other men, they are all old friends.

They had a visitor - another old friend who they have all known for about 15 yrs. She was staying over with them for work in the area the next day, she lives abroad. The background is that DP had a serious illness 2 yrs ago, he is over it now and happily getting regular good scans from the hospital, and Dear Friend hasn't seen him in 3 yrs since before he had it.

I have only met DF once before very briefly. When I arrived at the house, quite late, she was sat on the sofa with DP, chatting quite normally with the whole household there. All of them had been drinking but especially DP. He was beyond merry and wasn't really capable of conversation.
I sat on the other side of him on the sofa and we all talked. Within a few minutes she started rubbing DP's knee as she talked to me about work (we are going to be working on the same project soon). Next I noticed she had taken his hand.

I am not the jealous type but it ruffled me. I told myself to get a grip and went to the loo and got a glass of water. I gave it ten minutes and walked back in the room. DF was even closer to DP than earlier and had her head tucked into his shoulder and her hands entwined with his. He was quite passive in all this, being so drunk I doubt he really noticed.

I decided to try to get over myself and went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. DP did notice my absence and started shouting for me then followed me into the room. He knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it, knowing how these things turn put when at least one of you is drunk. Anyway the long and the short is that although I tried to defuse things and encourage him to go to sleep, he got mad at me and told me to eff off so many times that I had no option but to leave.

The next day we talked and I assured him that I didn't think they had anything going on but that I felt she was being inappropriate.
Sadly I am going to be working with her this summer and I wish I wasn't.

I know it's not a big deal compared to many people's problems, but I keep dwelling on it and just wanted to know, what would you feel if it was you?

Will check back later as BF is with me.

Cutted you are not being unreasonable.

I am very affectionate with my male friends, some of whom I've known for decades. We might have a hug or squeeze a limb when having an in depth chat. I'm tactile with everyone, male or female.

BUT I am always sensitive to people's partners. I wouldn't dream of touching a male friend even of long standing in an intimate way in front of a new partner. Or even someone I didn't know well (as you are obviously not "new"). It's just because I realise that this is my friend's primary relationship and I always want the new partner to like me and want to get to know me too.

My DH and I recently went to stay with an old university friend of mine. He and I go way back and now it's pretty comfortable to me to pat his arm when making a point or to give him a hug when he makes me laugh. My DH and his DP all know each other so well that this is ok. His girlfriend often rings or texts me independently so I'm pretty sure she likes me and she is always suggesting meeting up.

So YANBU. She was being a bit over-friendly but really your boyfriend should have clocked that it made you uncomfortable and reassured you when it did.

Your DP was out of order.

As for shouting eff off repeatedly, he's made it much worse.

Is he grovelling now?

I wouldn't have been bothered about the drunken touching.

I'd have been really fucking furious at being told to fuck off half a dozen times by my partner.

You're annoyed with the wrong person - I'd be rethinking the relationship.

LeQueen I love you, y'know. :o

Your DP is an arse, and the woman was being rude. If he's drinking to the extent where he doesn't know what's going on around him, you cannot trust him. What if they were alone? What if she would have kissed him, and he was too pissed to do anything about it? What about oral sex? Would alcohol have taken the blame for him then?

I have quite a few good male friends and I don't sit stroking their knee, with or without partners present. Neither would I sit holding their hand unless they were really upset about something and talking it through with me. So be in no doubt, this was unacceptable behaviour even between 'friends', with or without you there.

3 strikes against your bf: his excessive drunkenness, his going along with this, and his anger at you when you were rightly unhappy about it. I would be telling him you need a break and won't be in touch for a while.

Thanks everyone, some really great advice and povs on here.
I like the approaches I've been given and will note them for future situations (with DP or otherwise). Esp LeQueens's 'velvet glove'.

In reply to a few posters: DP and I are serious about one another, we both have our own kids so don't live together at the moment. THe DF is married with kids herself.
DP has a problem with 'the drink' (IMO) as he can have one or two but after three he starts getting arsey with me. That's the reason for all the eff offing. I have done my best to make sure I am hardly ever with him in a situation when he can drink but sometimes it just happens. I was so glad this time that I was sober and had my car and a friend up the road to go and stay with.

DP did apologise a lot in the morning but we both know it's a recurring problem. I know there is nothing between them but he was acting the ingenue to her inappropriate behaviour. Stupid man.

I had to have a long meeting with her (and others) the next day. She had the nerve to ask me where I had gone last night! I implied that I had gone back to the party, just couldn't resist the fun, as everyone at DP's house was so drunk and boring. Seething inside.

The next day she was cuddled up on the sofa at the house with another of DP's housemates.
So there you go.

'Why are you making snide little digs at me, is there something you're not happy about, would you like to discuss it with me.' I am going ton use this line.

YANBU

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Seems quite immature to be with someone for 4.5 years, still not live together but in a house share and still think it acceptable to have "friends" that you fondle in front if your girlfriend. Your dp is either very naive or very inconsiderate to realise that would not piss you off. Yanbu.

I am 46, DP is 49.
Call it the midlife crisis if you like.
Btw DP wasn't doing any fondling, she was, but he was out of order by objecting to the fact that I minded.

That's not great is it? The problem drinking I mean.

You'll be facing his drunken messes forever unless he decides to change.

LeQueen do you do house calls?
Seriously though, I am known in my circle for being a 'strong woman' (though I dislike that term because it implies that others aren't).
I can hold my own, drive a big truck, chop my own wood, run event teams and am not afraid of anything in the dark.
And am always happy to add a few plucky turns of phrase to my repertoire!

Yes I know about the drink thing. DP doesn't normally drink when he's with me as he acknowledges my pov. But yes, I know.

If drinking alcohol made my partner swear at me, I would expect him never to drink alcohol. It just doesn't agree with some people and I would want to know that behaving properly towards me (with kindness and respect) was more important to my partner than having a drink.

The fact that this is a recurring problem, does rather suggest that behaving appropriately towards you is not that important to him.

If you are the only person he gets 'arsey' with, then he is choosing to behave that way - it's not something the alcohol makes him do, or he would be arsey with everyone.

Either way though - do you really want someone like this, around your children? Because eventually it will get to a point where the house share thing will come to an end and the natural progression would be to live together.

Or are you going to stay apart, because you couldn't rely on him not to behave like this, if he was living with you?

You need to think about this 'relationship' very carefully.

Well he sounds like a knob, hopefully he is not so bad when not drunk. Did she even know you were in a(n exclusive) relationship with him? If she did then kind of silly of her to act like that but mainly it's him being a prat by reacting to you being (reasonably imo) upset. YANBU.

"DP has a problem with 'the drink' (IMO) as he can have one or two but after three he starts getting arsey with me."

See when normal people know that drinking (or whatever) makes them act like a knob, they don't do it. FFS. It's not that hard to drink alcohol-free stuff. Choosing to do something that you know will make you be a knob is actually exactly the same in moral terms as just acting like a knob without any other influence.

DP is actually a lovely, kind, mature person normally. He's the nicest man normally and the drinking really lets him down.
He is not a knob normally at all. Not jealous or tight with money, he's supportive of me and my work, and lets me be my own person which is something I've had trouble with in previous relationships.

The woman was at fault - she was very rude and disrespectful, but ultimately she owes the OP nothing except common courtesy. The partner otoh ows the OP loyalty and respect and consideration - very little of which he's actually show in this context.