Was she BU or am I? (Stupid jealousy thing)

[CuttedUpPear]

Sorry this is a bit lengthy, trying not to drip feed.
DP and I have been together for 4.5 years, we don't live together but about 45 mins away.
On Thursday I went to see him after I'd been a friend's party, which was invited too but he felt to tired to attend.
He lives in a shared house with 2 other men, they are all old friends.

They had a visitor - another old friend who they have all known for about 15 yrs. She was staying over with them for work in the area the next day, she lives abroad. The background is that DP had a serious illness 2 yrs ago, he is over it now and happily getting regular good scans from the hospital, and Dear Friend hasn't seen him in 3 yrs since before he had it.

I have only met DF once before very briefly. When I arrived at the house, quite late, she was sat on the sofa with DP, chatting quite normally with the whole household there. All of them had been drinking but especially DP. He was beyond merry and wasn't really capable of conversation.
I sat on the other side of him on the sofa and we all talked. Within a few minutes she started rubbing DP's knee as she talked to me about work (we are going to be working on the same project soon). Next I noticed she had taken his hand.

I am not the jealous type but it ruffled me. I told myself to get a grip and went to the loo and got a glass of water. I gave it ten minutes and walked back in the room. DF was even closer to DP than earlier and had her head tucked into his shoulder and her hands entwined with his. He was quite passive in all this, being so drunk I doubt he really noticed.

I decided to try to get over myself and went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. DP did notice my absence and started shouting for me then followed me into the room. He knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it, knowing how these things turn put when at least one of you is drunk. Anyway the long and the short is that although I tried to defuse things and encourage him to go to sleep, he got mad at me and told me to eff off so many times that I had no option but to leave.

The next day we talked and I assured him that I didn't think they had anything going on but that I felt she was being inappropriate.
Sadly I am going to be working with her this summer and I wish I wasn't.

I know it's not a big deal compared to many people's problems, but I keep dwelling on it and just wanted to know, what would you feel if it was you?

She isn't senior to me but has come to the company and given the (admittedly vague) directors a kick up the bum about streamlining role descriptions.
Yes I don't know how she was able to change that meeting either, all I know is that I was asked to be there and then when they were in an earlier meeting with her, I got a call telling me I wasn't needed.

I would watch her. She is all over your bloke and underminding you at work.

Definately watch her. You know the saying- keep your friends close and scheming bitches who are up to something even closer.

Yes I've never been any good at keeping my enemies closer - my feelings are written all over my face normally and I just look like I've sat on a wasp with that sort of person around me!

She sounds like a right bitch! Don't let her put you down. Noone likes people like this. She sounds like a Samantha brick (is that her name?)! Just keep your dignity and let her show herself up for the awful slag she is.

Did you make up with dp? How do you feel about his drinking?

Hmm, this sounds like a good time to try the quizical "why did you rearranged the meeting? Why did you not want me there, when I had rational reasons X Y and Z to be included?"

Possibly over email, with the bosses cc'ed, LeQueen what do you think? (I am trying to figure out this approach to apply it to my own life)

your DP was at fault, not you or her. He allowed these things to happen.

hmm, I don't know how to put this without sounding like a complete witch! Here goes. I have a friend who is a little (ok very) overweight and suffers from real self confidence issues. She calls herself the fat funny one. She is funny, but she is also very pretty and seldom realises.

She often behaves inappropriately around men. When the man is a single friend and there is a party atmosphere, she is considered the life and soul and everybody laughs and thinks she's great but.....when one of these male friends a quires a dp and she continues the touchy feel, even sexual behaviour it doesn't go down well.

What I'm trying to say is....is she the friend who thinks she can act this way because she always has? Or because she is so sure that he will never find her attractive?
If that's the case, it is a boundary issue. Perhaps if dp is used to her being this way and seriously doesn't fancy her then he won't consider it to be an issue n the way that you (understandably) do.

I hate being sworn at, I'd be very cross with dp. I think you're being very understanding quite frankly and he ought to be grateful!

I'm sorry let down the sisterhood skybluepearl but it was the Dear Friend who was behaving inappropriately. Yes DP was out of line too, but her body language was overt - she was practically throwing a leg over him.

thatisall DF is petite with lots of flowing tresses and an engaging manner which men fall for-. She does it because she wants to and she can.
Hey I too have been know to flirt (Olympic level at times) but I think that if the person's partner enters the room you should give them some space and respect.

I have had some big talks with DP and I see that he is not drinking around me - at least, just one can a night which is his lowest level. We have been talking about where our relationship is going and how/if we will ever live together.
He is waiting for my DS to move out (not that he says this outright) so we can get a new place together. I think he may have a long wait, I know I said something else upthread, but DS is a bit SEN and likes being at home with me more than anything else in the world.
I think I was just being ambitious about his prospects when I said I thought he'd move out in a few years.

"Hmm, this sounds like a good time to try the quizical "why did you rearranged the meeting? Why did you not want me there, when I had rational reasons X Y and Z to be included?" "

No!

Do not do this with regard to a work issue.

Query why you weren't at the meeting with your clients, not some recent hire.

If there is a good reason why you should have been there that will have a negative impact in the event, then raise it with them.

Should they say that this woman made the call, you can question whether it was wise to allow someone who doesn't know the business override your established working practices.

Make it clear that you were not pleased to be excluded from a meeting you had arranged (if that is indeed the case).

Don't pull any stupid passive-aggressive nonsense with this woman at work. Just deal with her as you would with anyone else who you felt had excluded you from a meeting you needed to be at.

Does she have a lot of male friends because "women just don't 'get' her?" I am always instantly suspicious of any woman who trots out that line

It often means that no, they don't have many female friends but it's usually because other women have sussed them out to be bitches and stear well clear. Men don't usually have that knack.

My DP had a female friend not long ago like that. I don't know if she wanted him for herself as such or whether had had a need to be every man's number one favourite woman. Either way, she trotted out that line according to DP. She was always nice about me to DP but not to me, to my face. I guess she wanted to show DP she was a nice person but didn't give a shit what I thought of her. Took me about 5 minutes to work out she was a bitch, she was that transparent. OP, your DP's DF sounds exactly the same imo.

What a scheming madam she is by the sounds of things. If it were me, I would take great pleasure in ensuring the whatever she did to rile me (on the work front) just didn't register. So either ignore totally or, thank her for her efforts on your behalf. Excluded from meeting: thanks so much for sorting that out for me, I had a load of stuff to do and now I am almost bang up to date, really appreciate not having to sit through it all etc. She will stop when she doesn't get the reaction she wants.

However, when it comes to her draping herself all over your DP, then I would definitely struggle with that, but I think your DP needs to know (when sober) how upsetting it is and not to allow it. I wouldn't say anything to her, again cos I wouldn't want her to know that she registered on my radar at all.

Really hope it gets sorted out quickly - these situations are very upsetting.

AThingInYourLife wise words indeed. I've been away for a couple of days and discussed it with a friend who agreed with what you guys here have been saying, and I still feel very put out.

I shall rise above it, get through the summer - luckily I'm not working in the same physical space as DF until August, it's nearly all by email - and hope that she goes the way of previous incumbents to her position, that is, she won't be back next year. Fingers crossed.

Reverse roles. I wouldn't sit and let another man do that to me whilst my OH is in the room, in fact even if he was out of the room, however much I had been drinking.

Exactly what I said to DP. And asked him how he would feel if he walked in on me in that position.

Can I ask- what did he say in reply to that question?

He went quiet so we can only assume that it went in on some level.