to think this does not constitute potty training

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We are having issues with toileting our 4 year old. MIL announces today that both dh and dsil were potty trained at 18 months. Apparently they uses pottys in them days and they sat on them till they went.
I may be oversensitive but I offended by this. I used pottys too you know. Just find it difficult to make a 4 year old sit on potty until he poos. Wees ok.

Le queen. He was reliably dry but wouldn't poo in the toliet. Similar to the OPs issue

Oops just realise I said potty in Op. Thanks for tips.

My DS2 was like this, they grow out of it, how long has he done it for? My DS did this EVERY NIGHT for about 3mths! Saved up all his poos. Then one day he just went to the toilet and pooed and didnt do it at ngiht.

LeQueen - i did it properly. Waited for all the signs we were told, no nappies after day 1, no wee accidents after day 5, switched from potty to loo easily, clean for 6 months and then DS just decided he preferred to poo in his pants. It's not always as clear cut as some parents potty training well and some not. Some people flip between pants and nappies in an inconsistent way and yet still have no major issues because their child is pliable or happy with going to the loo anyway. I've seen this several times and been so envious because I did it by the book and ended up discovering that my child hadn't read the book. I'm probably not worse at potty training than you, i just gave a more difficult child! Please try not to judge everyone in the same way as the one or two friends you know who may have got issues from doing it badly. I feel bad enough that I've been mopping up pooey pants for over 7 months with a completely indifferent child without people thinking I'm a crap mum too because of it. But like I said, I think we finally cracked it It's horrendous to live with a stubborn/indifferent toilet trainer and not as simple as the potty training books or other luckier friends tell you it should and can be.

lem ther was no need to feel like a bad mum!
There are so many reasons why a child might be having accidents/soiling themselves.
Most of the time, they are not under our control as a parent. We can only support and encourage one behaviour or the other.

I think that parents had much more incentive when they had to wash the nappies. If you had a new baby and a toddler that was a lot of nappies!

DS1 is not dry at night yet at 6.5 (not in nappies though, lots of washing!)
He soiled at night until he was over 5. He has HFA though, wasn't out of day nappies until 5 and is still not 100% reliable.
We tried EVERYTHING. Nothing worked.

DS2, on the other hand, decided not to wear nappies any more at 2.5 and has not had an accident yet at 3.4!

Yep I am sure they were.
But just as well I am sure there was quite a few children who were still having problem.
Actually I can remember stories about so and so who wet themselves at school when I was around 4~5 yo. So not a new issue at all.

Op Hope you crack it soon, there is a product called dry like me ( cant link the website) it looks like a pad you place in the pants, may make it easier to clean up the accidents

Most people 30 years ago were potty trained at 18 months for 2 main reasons cloth nappies took alot more work than dispoables and also most mums stayed at home

30 years ago my dcs were babies and actually, many of us were not at home living some 1950s dream of housewifery. Also, there was a routine with cloth nappies that made them remarkably easy to deal with. So I (and most of my friends) still did not start training our dcs until they were much nearer two than they were 18 months. It was quite clear that their readiness for training showed itself much more clearly as they approached their second birthdays.

What I would say is that there was a very low tolerance of children being in nappies once they were, say 3. Neither playgroups or nursery schools (they admitted children from 2.5 onwards) would take children until they were reliably clean and dry in the day. Most children were before they were 3. So I do wonder whether the availability of effective disposable nappies and pull-ups (not invented back in the early 1980s) has gradually increased the age at which children are expected to be trained.

My kids were in cloth. Agree with Pandemoniaa, they are not difficult at all!

But they didn't help with early training. DS1's nursery would not have admitted him if he hadn't had documentation from the hospital saying he was under investigation/ diagnosed though.

'So I do wonder whether the availability of effective disposable nappies and pull-ups (not invented back in the early 1980s) has gradually increased the age at which children are expected to be trained'

Yes and I wonder who benefits the most out of children who are still in nappies up to the age of four plus? Not the parents, that's for sure. Those nappy companies are rubbing their hands in glee.

that is potty training im afraid you are maybe sensitive about your 4 yr old , i would ditch the potty and get him onto the toilet , he is to big for a potty imo

Nappies these days are so high tech that children often don't feel wet, if they don't feel the wettest then they don't know what is happening.

I would imagine cloth nappies babies can feel they are wet, so the child knows much sooner

my daughters would not have been allowed into playgroup at nearly 3 if they were not potty trained as alot of older children were using toilets way before 4 yrs old It was the norm for a child to be trained before 4 , i think the advice these days is wrong ,

I agree about nappy manufacturers rubbing their hands with glee. My mother, who was a children's nurse, remembers all children being trained by 12-14 months unless they had special needs, and this was certainly true of my own younger siblings.

However, I realise this isn't helpful OP.

I worked with a child who refused to poo on the toilet; as well as starting school she was very big and tall for her age, which made the nappies look worse iyswim.
The school nurses advice was:
let her sit on the toilet wearing a nappy to poo
when used to this, unstick nappy either side but leave it tucked around her.
when used to this, loosen it more
when used to it feeling loose, let it lie in the bowl of the loo as a sort of liner, then tip poo out to flush
when used to this, line loo with toilet roll instead

This did work really well. hth

OP, I would try and separate your MIL's insistence that her DCs were potty trained at 18 months and the problems that your DS is having with pooing in the toilet. The 2 have no relevance to each other. Your DS is basically toilet trained already, apart from this one particular issue of pooing in a nappy before bedtime. This suggests that your DS has control and he is choosing to exercise it in this way. I think it is much more often a boy problem, as girls sitting down for a pee will often produce a poo at the same time. With this in mind I would encourage your DS to sit on the toilet for a few minutes after tea and perhaps again for a few more minutes later in the evening. Just a few minutes - do not insist he stays there till he performs. Maybe have a reward system if he produces but don't make any fuss if he doesnt. Make sure he is not actually constipated and then it might be quite difficult for him to hold on. When he is able to go in the toilet for a few consecutive days, then forgo the nighttime nappy.

Mine are much older and then they had to be out of nappies at 3 yrs to get preschool etc places. They all did it.

I agree with other posters who say that unless you have ever dealt with a child who is reluctant or refuses to use potty/toilet you don't really understand it.

Tbh to keep banging the drum of how easy it was for you and your children to train is both smug and insensitive.

Not all parents who have this issue are lazy, inconsistent or incompetent!

I have a nearly 3 year who falls into the reluctant/refuser category.
We have been trying to train since he was 2. We have tried stickers, chocolate buttons, letting him run around with no underpants, putting him in 'big boy' underpants, praise, nonchalence, putting him on potty at regular intervals, getting him to sit on it whilst watching favourite tv show, using toilet with special seat etc, etc. Not all these techniques at the same time [that would be inconsistent ] but at different times as we tried to use 'helpful' suggestions from others who have successfully trained.

However DS has never once gotten a poo or wee in the potty or toilet. When in underpants he wees as normal and never asks to be changed. I will notice he has wet pants and change him, he however is not bothered at all.

He has no interest in using the potty or toilet. Is not bothered by weeing or pooing in his underpants. What on earth do you do with a child like this? He is also not motivated by rewards, as in he will sit on the potty for a chocolate button but won't do a poo or wee on it. He won't go to the potty himself to do a poo or wee in anticipation of a treat iyswim...

Sorry for the hijack op but it was making me cross that some posters seem to think every child is easy to train just because their own was.

My eldest child refused to poo anywhere but in a nappy for the first couple of years after potty training. It wasn't attention seeking, I wasn't being lenient or lazy, she was genuinely very, very anxious and all the effort I made to 'fix' the problem were making it worse.

I tried bribery, rewards and yes, even making her sit on the loo. All of which resulted in periods of constipation as she desperately tried to avoid having to poo in the toilet. Finally I decided to go the opposite way. I let her poo in a nappy and cleaned her up after with no comment. Pooing stopped being a huge source of conflict and anxiety which allowed her to relax enough about the process to suddenly start using the toilet herself.

OP, please, please, please ignore any and all well meaning advice about making him sit on the loo or using rewards etc. Ask him to sit on the toilet and try and poo before bed, if he refuses make no comment.

If he DOES do a poo on the toilet don't make the same mistake I did and make a huge fuss (I practically hired a marching band...), just a simple, quiet well done as if it's no big deal.

Many children go through this anxiety over pooing in the toilet, it's very common.

Exactly RaPaPaPum! Just like breastfeeding doesn't come easy to every mother/child pairing, nor does toilet training come easy to every child. If breastfeeding was a breeze for you, you have absolutely no clue about the heartache and anxiety and stress that can be caused when it doesn't work well. Similarly, if your child was dry and clean within a week then you have no clue how hard it is to try and train a child who doesn't get it or refuses to get it or doesn't give a toss about being wet or dirty. Posting on a breastfeeding thread that it was easy for you so the OP is clearly doing it wrong would obviously be considered incredibly insensitive. This situation is absolutely no different. I hope every one of you who has trained a child easily never has to subsequently go through the nightmare of having to train a child who is not interested or is scared or is chronically constipated or thinks going to the loo is entirely optional. It is awful, and so very upsetting for parents and child.

OP - my offer still stands. If you want to ask any questions of someone who has been through it (and may still go through it again if DS goes backwards), please feel free to PM me :)

bed soil not bed wet, the y2 child I mentioned..