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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this does not constitute potty training

149 replies

mindthebump40 · 08/04/2012 15:57

We are having issues with toileting our 4 year old. MIL announces today that both dh and dsil were potty trained at 18 months. Apparently they uses pottys in them days and they sat on them till they went.
I may be oversensitive but I offended by this. I used pottys too you know. Just find it difficult to make a 4 year old sit on potty until he poos. Wees ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindthebump40 · 08/04/2012 16:54

Realise how daft that sounds. Just saw it as a criticism.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/04/2012 16:56

I don't think putting him on the toilet at bedtime is taking it seriously enough, tbh. It sounds like the real problem here is that you don't actually see that you've got a problem.

TidyDancer · 08/04/2012 16:57

You need to get past the resentment here, and see that she may have a point. I know it's easy to say that from an objective pov, but if you're seeing a nurse and dr about potty training, you are obviously concerned.

Did you try when he was younger? If so, what kind of results did you have?

RedHotPokers · 08/04/2012 16:58

Its not necessarily mean to 'make' them stay sitting when you know they've had a big drink an hour before, or if its at a time when they normally do a poo. If you put the potty in front of the telly, or read them a book or play a game whilst they're sitting on the potty, then its no particular hardship for them although can be tedious for you. Once they've had one success, it makes it easier.

And this is speaking as someone who has stuggled is struggling big time to potty train DC2 (3yo), having found DD a doddle!

SamanthaBrick · 08/04/2012 17:03

I'd bin the potty and encourage him to use the toilet.

Original poster
mindthebump40 · 08/04/2012 17:03

The reason why I only said bedtime because that is when the issue is. He is fine all day. He only poos once in beds most of the time. All throughout the day he goes to the toilet fine.

OP posts:
insancerre · 08/04/2012 17:05

I have helped to potty train dozens of children as prt of my job as a nursery nurse and have had several 'refusers'
What normally works is if the pressure is taken off the child. Try not to make it his 'thing'. Some children use witholding poo as a means of control, similiar to children who become fussy eaters. Try to not make a big fuss, don't tell him off when he does poo in his pants but gently reinforce the idea of using the toilet/potty. Try not to focus on it at all. maybe use some sort of reward chart for when he does do it in the toilet with a bigger reward when he has a certain number of stickers.
If you are more relaxed about it then that will rub off on your son.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 08/04/2012 17:06

Barbaric?
It's more barbaric allowing a school age child to poo themselves! Who does the nappy change at school?

monicamary · 08/04/2012 17:10

I can understand your frustration.Our ds was 3yrs 4 months when we finally got him sorted with some advice from HV who was lovely.

TidyDancer · 08/04/2012 17:10

I have a six-year-old DS and IME if he's only ever wanting to go at one particular time of the day, it's because he's holding it in until he's got those pyjama nappies on. Also something to bare in mind is that if he's waiting until he's in bed to poo, it may be because it's his way of hiding it, meaning he's not entirely happy with pooing in his nappy.

You need to normalise the potty. Although I would start using the toilet as well at his age.

TidyDancer · 08/04/2012 17:11

Sorry, meant the OP's DS only ever wanting to go at one particular time, etc.

bamboobutton · 08/04/2012 17:11

i would just relax and stop stressing.

i'v read your posts over a couple of times and don't really get what the problem is. does your ds refuse to poo on the potty at all, even if he is desperate during the day? does he pee on the potty? is it a specific potty training problem or is it just ds holding his poo for the bedtime pull up?Confused

my 4yo has been potty trained for about a year, he poo's quite hapilly on the toilet but he still likes to save his poo for his bedtime pull up, he does this about 60% of the time. it's not something i have even thought of as something to worry about. i agree with the school nurse, he will get it in his own time.

CoteDAzur · 08/04/2012 17:11

YABU since it does constitute potty training.

YABU also because you are mad at MIL because she dared make a helpful suggestion as if you don't need help but you clearly do (as you well know, since you have asked dr, etc)

bamboobutton · 08/04/2012 17:11

x posts there

Kayano · 08/04/2012 17:12

That totally constitutes potty training

Sorry but I'm on team mil here

puds11 · 08/04/2012 17:12

so does he wear nappies at school?

Original poster
mindthebump40 · 08/04/2012 17:13

He doesn't wear a nappy to school and does not have accidents at school. Only accidents are bedtime/overnight.
Thanks insancerre. We are doing reward chart. I try not to get stressed when he has accident. Although perhaps need to work on that a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindthebump40 · 08/04/2012 17:14

We are using toilet. Only used potty in early stages.

OP posts:
LeeCoakley · 08/04/2012 17:15

Please don't make a 4 year old sit on a potty! Never used them myself but I would have thought they were more suited to training a 2 year old. Older children can use the toilet, with a seat inner if necessary.

LeeCoakley · 08/04/2012 17:16

Sorry! Crossed posts!

Pandemoniaa · 08/04/2012 17:16

For a four year old, yes, this does constitute potty training.

However, I would treat, with the greatest suspicion the idea that any child can be potty trained at 18 months merely by sitting them on a potty. It's luck, not any reliable indication of their readiness to be trained if you happen to catch a poor or a wee at this age. However, it does seem to be a generational thing. My ex-MIL could not believe that I was unprepared to start training ds1 at 8 weeks by a process she called "lifting". Her sister thought similarly. This was common practice in the 1950s but I suspect did little more than save the occasional cloth nappy. It did not produce children who were reliably potty trained any earlier than they are nowadays.

Duckypoohs · 08/04/2012 17:16

Maybe ditch the pyjama pants, I can't imagine he will be so keen to poo in his bed then. We had the same problem with ds1, we just ditched the nappies altogether bribery helps too.

Floggingmolly · 08/04/2012 17:17

You've already said he does have accidents? Confused. Believe me, if he refuses to use the toilet at all there will indeed come a time when he has an an accident at school.

CoteDAzur · 08/04/2012 17:18

Why do you still put a nappy on him for bed? It sounds like you are enabling his refusal to poo in the toilet.

insancerre · 08/04/2012 17:20

So he has the muscle control needed to hold it in and he can wait till he has his pyjamas on to poo. Thet probably means that it is more pyschological than physical.
He has worked out what gets him the extra attention and is using it to maximum effect.
The only way out that i can see is if you make it more attractive to him not to poo in his pjs. Bribery is called for here. Find something that he really wants and tell him how he can get it- maybe a week with no pooing in his pjs. Make a chart so he can see how near he is to his goal like Supernanny does. You are trying to modify his behaviour, so it has to be something that he really wants. But stick to it and don't give in.
Good luck