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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my friend the truth

100 replies

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:07

but find it impossible?

I have an old friend who has lately started asking rhetorical questions! Such as "I don't look my age, do I?"

or "I don't need to use foundation, do I? I haven't all my life so am not starting now."

The answer truthfully- is that she looks good for her age, but yes she does look 53. And no, she ought to wear a bit of make up sometimes, IMO.

Or, on a more serious note her marriage is rocky and she will always present her DH as being in the wrong and she is totally right.

How on earth do you deal with someone who wants confirmation and not an honest opinion?

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 08/04/2012 11:10

nobody actually needs to wear make up

...but if bothers you you could organise a make up party and show her how to apply it in a way that suits her and be overly gushing about it

jasminerice · 08/04/2012 11:10

She has to come to the correct conclusions by herself in her own time. Leave her to her delusions, it's no skin off your nose?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 08/04/2012 11:11

just leave her be. Smile and nod.

GhastlyBespoke · 08/04/2012 11:12

You are not being unreasonable to WANT to tell her. Don't though. Just don't say anything.

usualsuspect · 08/04/2012 11:14

Leave her be.

Its not the law to wear make up.

catsareevil · 08/04/2012 11:14

It sounds like she might be testing it out by asking you a real question but phrasing it as rhetorical to feel a bit safer.
If everyone is wearing make-up then even someone who 'looks their age' will look older, because other people are looking younger than their age.

scummymummy · 08/04/2012 11:15

She's feeling insecure and having a rough time. She wants someone to be lovely and supportive and tell her she is fab and generally accentuate the positive. Sounds like something a good friend could do?

McHappyPants2012 · 08/04/2012 11:17

Nobody needs to wear make up.

BusinessTrills · 08/04/2012 11:21

YABU to think that it would be untruthful to say "You don't need to wear makeup".

Because nobody needs to wear makeup.

FondleWithCare · 08/04/2012 11:24

Make-up isn't necessary on anyone and I find that it actually seems to age some people.

Depending on how she says it, she's either quite arrogant (because who feels the need to bring up how youthful and beautiful they are?) or insecure and needing compliments, in which case your honesty will certainly not be helpful.

manchestermummy · 08/04/2012 11:25

I never leave the house without make-up. In fact if don't I get "You look awful" comments all day (uneven, sallow skin due to bad acne in my teens).

But YABU to even think about suggesting to your friend that she needs to change the habit of a lifetime.

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 11:25

Oh my goodness. You have a friend who is experiencing a rocky marriage. She undoubtedly feels very insecure and her self-esteem could be challenged. She's asking you, as a friend, to help make her feel better.

Whatever you do, don't say that she would look better if she wore make-up or that she doesn't look young for her age. That will be incredibly hurtful.

She's not looking for 'confirmation', she is looking for someone to reassure her and make her feel better about her situation.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm almost 53, and it's a difficult time - even if your marriage is sound - as you do have to come to terms with the effects of ageing, and that you may be 'losing' your looks.

You would be being very unreasonable to tell her the 'truth'.

Because, after all, it's only your truth. I agree with the others - nobody has to wear make-up.

Original poster
averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:25

Forget the make up- that's hardly the issue. I know no one needs to wear make up,( like was need to drink and eat food) she is asking because she has roscea- and IMHO would look better with a little foundation.

But the make up is not the issue.

What IS the issue is that she is always putting me in a difficult situation where I feel I have to lie to keep her happy.

My face shows what i am thinking- and it is very hard to lie convincingly- or just sound sincere when all she wants is someone to agree all the time.

I wouldn't dream of asking her to confirm that I looked young for my age- it's not my place to ask, though if she wants to say so that would be lovely. But not to put someone on the spot.

OP posts:
Original poster
averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:29

oh and BTW I do lie to her and have for ages- but am getting sick of her asking. She makes me feel very uncomfortable when she asks and I think she ought to have the sense to realise that she is putting me in a difficult position. You see the other thing is that I am always being told that I look very young for my age- but I never tell her, nor do I ask for her opinion.

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 08/04/2012 11:29

Perhaps she feels its something she'd like to try, to see if it would give her a boost. I can empathise with that, any day now I shall be going to Boots and asking that they "Do" me. And that's after not wearing makeup for 30 years.

I think she'd like you to make that suggestion, offer to go with her and have it done too?

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 11:35

I think your own name for yourself says it all really.

Forgive me, but it seems your problem is all about how YOU feel and not at all about how your friend feels. Okay you are youthful looking and secure, we get that. Can you not translate some of this into (disingenuous perhaps) generosity to your friend who is clearly having a hard time. Seems to me she's not asking you for the earth.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 11:36

Mandy2003 that's a great idea!

Original poster
averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:36

Please can we get off the make up topic?

I do wish I hadn't mentioned that. She is savvy enough to get herself to a shop and have make up applied, and she uses Clarins skin care etc so she isn't dumb in that sense.

Forget the make up. it's the ways she asks for confirmation of whatever she is thinking about herself or anything- it doesn't invite discussion- it's stated as a fact.

OP posts:
PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 11:37

How old are you, OP?

Original poster
averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:38

I do wish I had not mentioned make up.

I don't know why some of you can't see the point- it's not difficult!

it is very hard to have someone asking you to basically agree with whatever they say in such a way that if she you disagreed they would be offended.

Not about her looks- about anything.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 11:39

I have a friend who doesn't wear make up and i often want to suggest a bit of mascara to bring out her eyes. She doesn't ask for my opinion though. If she did i would tell her she always looks lovely but that it would accentuate that area.

Perhaps do that, compliment, then suggestion. Blusher to give her an extra glow etc. There are ways of saying things.

catsareevil · 08/04/2012 11:39

You dont sound like the sort of person who just agrees with everything someone says.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 11:41

Oh i see. Sorry missed the point a little.

Im not really sure what you can say.

How about Yes i see your point but your husband has a valid point as well. Etc.

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 11:46

Have you ever thought about why she is asking these questions?

Have you actually considered that YABU? Lots of posters have given you an insight into why your friend may be like this, but you are intent on seeing it all from your perspective!

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 11:46

I do wish I had not mentioned make up.

Ah but you did...most of your OP was taken up with it so you can't really complain if people respond to it. In fairness to myself, in my rather bitchy post I didn't focus on that, I do see that it's just a symptom, but my view remains the same.

Ultimately if you find it too difficult to give her unconditional support you will just have to step back. That would be a pity: it sounds like she's in a place where support is what she needs.