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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell my friend the truth

100 replies

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:07

but find it impossible?

I have an old friend who has lately started asking rhetorical questions! Such as "I don't look my age, do I?"

or "I don't need to use foundation, do I? I haven't all my life so am not starting now."

The answer truthfully- is that she looks good for her age, but yes she does look 53. And no, she ought to wear a bit of make up sometimes, IMO.

Or, on a more serious note her marriage is rocky and she will always present her DH as being in the wrong and she is totally right.

How on earth do you deal with someone who wants confirmation and not an honest opinion?

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 11:46

So does she say things like . . .

That woman on the train earlier was being horrible and should have let me have that last seat shouldn't they? She was horrible!

That sort of thing?

What about a . . .

Well that's one way of looking at it?

Well perhaps try to see it from her point of view?

Original poster

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:47

catsarevil ( love the name BTW!) lol!

I 'm not. But niether am I happy hurting a good friend. I am just fed up with her asking questions where she is not really wanting an answer.

If she asks if she looks young I nod my head vigorously and tell her yes she does. But why does she put me on the spot? Most people would realise it put the other person in a difficult position.

OP posts:

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 11:48

Because she thinks you are her friend?
Because she needs your support?
Because she needs reassurance from you?

Original poster

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:50

Well thanks all but I guess no one has ever been in this kind of situation 'cos everyone ( almost) seems to be missing the point about how it makes me feel- and is siding with her her.

cheers.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 08/04/2012 11:51

gosh, how wearing. If you're not far off 50 then by now it's time to be who you are. I don't mean hit her with a blow torch but I'd find it a huge strain to have a friend like this. At my age I want people around me who are moreorless on the same wavelength and want me for me, not as an inanimate friend who is fed lines.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 11:55

Paques You are so wise.

You and I are of an age well alright I'm a few years older and I can confirm what you said earlier, it IS a difficult time...it's when you begin to realise just how invisible you are (perhaps I should keep this in the first person!)

I was lucky because I met the present Mr House a few days after I turned 50 and have been seriously content ever since, so I have been cushioned against it to a point. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to have your marriage hit the rocks just at the time.

Lightbulb moment: Funnyfriend put your friend onto Paques and me

catsareevil · 08/04/2012 11:56

If you dont like it then stop agreeing with her.
If I said something like that I would hate to have 'friends' who would let me carry on believing something that wasnt true, rather than be honest. Thats to to say that you should be rude, but there are tactful ways of saying things.

She wouldnt be constantly seeking reassurance if she was genuinely convinced that everything was great would she? If she can tell from you face that you are not really agreeing with her then she is probably quite confused by you verbally agreeing.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 11:57

seems to be missing the point about how it makes me feel

Au contraire, I said in my first post that it seemed to be all about you: the thing is that most of the posters here seem to be taking the view that your friend's needs are greater than yours.

GreenEyesAndHam · 08/04/2012 11:58

Have you actually tried answering her honestly?

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 11:58

We'll sort her out, OP!

OP - I can see you find it wearing, but it is not about you really, is it? If this woman is your friend, can you not find it in yourself to be a bit more sympathetic/empathetic about her situation?

Nyac · 08/04/2012 12:03

Yes, tell her the truth - you aren't her friend, you're secretly critical of her instead.

TheLightPassenger · 08/04/2012 12:07

presumably she must be feeling desperately insecure to be constantly needing reassurance/reinforcement from you? I agree it can be a bit frustrating to be on the receiving end of this, but rather than telling her the "truth" as you see it, you could alternately try and encourage her to think for herself.

The foundation issue btw is easy to deal with without being too blunt- if you use it yourself, say that you think you look better with foundation, but it's up to her to give it a go, you never know till you try etc.

FondleWithCare · 08/04/2012 12:12

Have you thought about why people here are siding with her? Because she sounds insecure and in need of support and reassurance from a friend.

Your last post is very me, me, me and doesn't make you come across well. Try to think of things from her point of view rather than your own.

springydaffs · 08/04/2012 12:15

Poor you OP. I thik you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on this thread. Projection imo.

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 12:16

Projection? Not really.

Trying to see it from the OP's friends' point of view? Yes, absolutely.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 12:22

I think a lot of posters are focusing on what the op gave as an example, the make up thing, and not on what op is actually asking for help about. That her friend constantly asks questions which contain the answer she is already decided on stated as fact within. That must be very hard to have a normal balanced conversation with.

I know this is am i being unreasonable but perhaps instead of being intent on winning which it seems is all anyone comes here for, actually listen to what the op asking.

littlemslazybones · 08/04/2012 12:28

Why don't you get in there first with some heart felt compliments before she starts fishing for them? Really pile it on with a trowel. Maybe if you go on the offensive so you're not just a nodding dog to her insecurities you both might get something out of it?

littlemslazybones · 08/04/2012 12:29

Really pile it on with a trowel.

compliments, not foundation.

Charbon · 08/04/2012 12:36

How very odd.

You've got an old friend who is having a difficult time at a notoriously difficult stage of her life and you want the right to tell her things that will make her feel worse about herself?

Why would your instinct not be to find things that will instead boost her esteem and help her to feel loved and valued?

I agree with Nyac.

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 13:02

perhaps instead of being intent on winning which it seems is all anyone comes here for, actually listen to what the op asking.

How very odd.

Not trying to 'win' anything. Trying to help the OP gather some kind of insight into why her friend might be behaving like this.

LittleJennyRobyn · 08/04/2012 13:15

It sound like your friend is a tad insere at the moment so to tell her what you really think would be a bit of a kick up the backside!! Some insecure people have a hard job thinking for themselves so need to constantly validate parts of thier lives

but i totally get where you are coming from, make-up issue aside, i have come across many people over the years who are asking these questions to only get confirmation and not an honest opinion.

The truth is you tell them what they want to hear rather than what you really think.....you dont kick someone when they are down.

Yes it's hard to have to keep responding and you wish that they wouldn't ask but you do it because you dont want to hurt thier feelings and try to support them the best you can!

so YANBU to want to be put in this position.

tethersend · 08/04/2012 13:28

How about not being her friend anymore?

I've heard that this is possible.

exoticfruits · 08/04/2012 13:33

It depends on whether you really want to be a friend. If so don't tell her the truth and if you don't just stop seeing her.

Birdsgottafly · 08/04/2012 13:58

How on earth do you deal with someone who wants confirmation and not an honest opinion

If you are her friend and not an aquaintance, you dress up the honest opinion and put any points in a constructive manner, when she tries to get defensive or confrontational.

You have been given reasons as to why she may be behaving as she is, they should allow you to cut her some slack and if there is a falling out, so that you make the first move.

It is nice to have good friends that will tell you the truth. I had really good friends after the death of my husband, who while allowed me to grieve, would tell me when i was becoming impossible to be around.

A lot of your posts state how you feel, only you can change your feelings and realise that if the honest answers that you give are given in her best interests, then you should not feel bad about how you have acted.

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2012 14:09

Frankly, I think you've given the OP a really hard time.

OK so to use your example: "I don't need to use foundation, do I? I haven't all my life so am not starting now."

She's actually saying she's not going to start now, so I'd feel happy not saying anything at all to that. If I felt I had to say something, I'd say, "Oh I wouldn't be without foundation when I'm going out. I feel so much better with it on. I feel like it livens up my face." (Of course this only applies if you do wear it!) That way, you're not commenting on her use of foundation, but on your own.

As far as her husband is concerned, I think you should try to calm her down with her always-being-right attitude. It must be hell for her husband to live with and can't possibly help their relationship. I know it's very hard and it's the sort of thing people avoid, but if you are his friend too, you should try to put his case forward if you really believe she's wrong and he's right. The trick is to find an instance where she's clearly in the wrong!

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