to want to tell my friend the truth

[averyfunnyfriend]

but find it impossible?

I have an old friend who has lately started asking rhetorical questions! Such as "I don't look my age, do I?"

or "I don't need to use foundation, do I? I haven't all my life so am not starting now."

The answer truthfully- is that she looks good for her age, but yes she does look 53. And no, she ought to wear a bit of make up sometimes, IMO.

Or, on a more serious note her marriage is rocky and she will always present her DH as being in the wrong and she is totally right.

How on earth do you deal with someone who wants confirmation and not an honest opinion?

OP - never post a question like this on AIBU. I see what you are trying to say, but this is the scrappers hotline!

I posted a question like this recently in WWYD and had helpful replies.
Personally, I would say, the next time she asks 'yes, you do look 53, and I look [insert age here]' Ask her if she is unhappy with how she looks and draw attention to the fact that she asks the question a lot. Ask her if there is something she would like to change about her appearance to make her feel more confident - lose weight, have a better hairstyle etc. You could then suggest a Zumba class you could do together or a freebie makeover at Debenhams or something.

You don't have to say she looks bad, but try and draw out why she keeps on about it. You can gently mention that without offending her.

Why don't you say she looks good for her actual age? It's bollocks that people look younger than they are - they simply look either really good for their age, their actual age or older than their age. I too am told I look 'younger' than my age (been blessed with very good skin from my mum and my ethnic background) but to me it is not that I look young for my age but pretty good for my age iyswim. Yes, many of us can probably pass for a few years younger but it is more likely we look good for our age. The amount of deluded 45-55 ladies who I have met who think they look ten years younger makes me cringe. It's just not true!

OP this thread sums up everything that's wrong with MN [busmile]
You post an OP and almost nobody reads it properly, they just focus on one small aspect which then all the following posters read and think they know the point of the thread. This thread should be in a museum.

Can I just say I KNOW IT'S NOT ABOUT MAKEUP!

I know exactly what you mean. I think I would answer each question with a question? I do this with my mother. "I look so much better than other people my age, don't you think?" I then respond "do you think?".
It's not a lie or a blatant challenge but a gentle throw back to her. It definitely stops her asking me difficult questions.

"OP this thread sums up everything that's wrong with MN"

The OP has been given honest opinions based on the question asked. If she had instead been after meaningless compliments (which would be ironic given the thread topic!) then there are other forums out there.

she ought to wear a bit of make up sometimes, IMO

Is that not about how the op thinks her friend should wear make up?

don't answer the question, if you feel like you don't want to tell lies to your friend to make her feel better.

say things like "that's nice" or "it's good to give your skin a breather" or "age is just a number" or "it's nice to not get hung up on age"

or any one of a million comments that relate to the 'question', are nice and yet are not responding to the question with what you feel is a lie.

She sounds sad. (as in feeling sad, not being 'sad' iyswim) and like she's looking for a little validation and tlc and she's looking to you to provide it. As her friend

imo, what she's probably looking for in your answers to her questions is really the verbal equivalent of a big hug.

In another form, it would be you wrapping your arms round her, give her a big hug and tell her everything's going to be ok.

Why can't you tell your friend what you really think?

To be honest, I think 99.99% of people look their age, though some look good and some don't. I can't think of anyone who doesn't look their age. It makes me laugh when you hear people say they look ten years younger than they are - they don't, usually; they just look good. And in that programme "Ten Years Younger" they looked ten years older before, now they look their age.

Oh I love it when the 'this is what's wrong with MN today' lines are trotted out

Other online parenting forums are available you know

And some of them have tickers [bugrin]

Exactly ilovedaintynuts, regarding no one reading it properly etc.

Imperialleather. Good suggestions. I also think her i am always right way of talking must be exhausting for the husband. Perhaps pointing that out might be helpful to the friend rather then just agreeing with what she says.

Oh and if anyone should go to another parenting forum i would much rather it be the ones here who can't be bothered to read properly.

Exactly imperial! What you said mirrors what I said further upthread!

Yes, sorry, candy; I should have said that!

Oh gosh no I didn't mean it like that imperial! Jus nice to read that someone else is on my wavelength! Like I said, it is how some women think they pass For years and years younger that makes me !

People who are going through a hard time can be a pain to be around. If you value her friendship, grin and bear it; do some stuff to make her feel better. Otherwise, just tell her what she doesn't want to hear and see what happens.

You know, PooPoo, just because people disagree or give other advice, it doesn't mean they haven't read the OP

next time it comes up you could gently say 'you seem to have been asking me these sorts of questions rather a lot recently, is there something wrong?' (wording could be improved i'm sure)

This might help get past the questions to the underlying feelings

Or give her a big exuberant kiss on the cheek and tell her "you look gorgeous as always" and then she'll be pleased, flustered and not ask for another 24 hours at least!

Both my widowed father and a widowed friend both seek affirmation about how loved/valued/clever they are and I am very happy to give it, or they tell me stories where they've been appreciated. If your friend's marriage is rocky, it's very likely that she is lonely within it and a bit frightened.

How often can she possibly be asking these questions, though? I'll bet it's a lot less often than you're suggesting here.

Your friend isn't looking for confirmation here, nor is she looking for an "honest opinion".

She is feeling very insecure about herself - female, ageing and in an unstasfying marriage which has sapped her confidence - and the function of a good friend is to try to make her feel more valued and worthwhile, whatever that takes. If you can't see this or you're not prepared to do this then imo you are not much of a friend and she could frankly do without you in her life.

FloggingMolly, I have a colleague who says this sort of thing at least once a week.

I agree tell her she looks fab. My friend and I are 69 & 68 we both have young children under 10 we do not have time to pamper with makeup never have. If we have spare time a brisk walk along the beach does us both wonders.

2old2beamum. Children under ten? Wow!