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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell my friend the truth

100 replies

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 11:07

but find it impossible?

I have an old friend who has lately started asking rhetorical questions! Such as "I don't look my age, do I?"

or "I don't need to use foundation, do I? I haven't all my life so am not starting now."

The answer truthfully- is that she looks good for her age, but yes she does look 53. And no, she ought to wear a bit of make up sometimes, IMO.

Or, on a more serious note her marriage is rocky and she will always present her DH as being in the wrong and she is totally right.

How on earth do you deal with someone who wants confirmation and not an honest opinion?

OP posts:

2old2beamum · 08/04/2012 16:24

Floggingmolly All adopted ofcourse reproductive organs gave up long ago DH's as well

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 16:28

OP is your friend always like this or has it just been since the marriage problems?

I used to have a friend who said everything as a statement. She didn't expect others to disagree with her, she didn't want them to and it was unacceptable to her.

I realised after some years that she was a controlling liar. She used to TELL each of her friends different things about each other so that none of her friends liked each other anymore. She liked her friends to get on but not too much as it madness her insecure i suppose. Most of what she said was lies or massively exaggerated and no one was allowed to question it. I did, which is why we are no longer friends as that wasn't acceptable to her. None of the others had the guts to stand up to her or for me.

It was strange really as she used to say how controlling and manipulative her mum was but couldn't see she was the same.

This is probably not relevant and your friend is probably just going through a bad patch but it reminded me of this woman.

Floggingmolly · 08/04/2012 16:31

Take my hat off to you, 2old! [bugrin]

ariadne1 · 08/04/2012 16:50

I am really struggling why on earth you would answer a question like
'I don't look 53 do I?' with anything except agreeing with her.What possible good would you do by saying 'yes you do?'

suburbophobe · 08/04/2012 17:16

I agree. As a friend you should be there for her. There's enough bitches in the world already!

Original poster

averyfunnyfriend · 08/04/2012 17:33

I haven't looked at MN for hours since my last post this morning.

First- thanks to the handful of posters who actually used their brains before posting.

I am going to be quite tough here on some posters- and no, it's not an indication of how I behave "normally", or as a friend, but I am coming out fighting simply because most posters have spectacularly missed the point.

This post was not, can I say that again, NOT about make up or even appearance. She doesn't need any help with make up, In my truly honest opinion I'd say that sometimes she could do with a bit of make up to cover her rosacea, but given her insistence that she does not need any make up, then I won't press the point.

Nor was it about her marriage issues.

The whole point- and the people who have missed it have simply not read properly, is that she asks "questions" that are not questions, but statements. if you don't know what a rhetorical question is, then look it up.

I know how she feels- whether it's confident or insecure or whatever- have been friends for 30+ years- and we know each other inside out.

She is not struggling with he age etc as some of you point out.

All the "extrapolations" here read like a work of fiction to me.

I asked a very very simple question- which was how do you respond when someone asks you something with which you want to disagree but would hurt them if you were honest.

In this case, it's about her age etc.

I wonder why some of you cannot see the point? There is no way that I'd ask anyone if I looked my age because I know it would put them on the spot, and may make them feel awkward.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 08/04/2012 17:35

You sound lovely.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 17:41

Nail head bang Usual

I am tempted to answer your post point by point Friend but it's probably a waste of time so I will just say that the fact that people may have responded to a question that you did not mean to ask, or have not responded to a question that you did mean to ask does not mean they have not used their brains before posting.

In fact I would say that this thread is quite a good example, on the whole, of reasoned rational debate on both sides of the argument. There are some exceptions however...

tethersend · 08/04/2012 18:01

A rhetorical question... Such as "Am I being unreasonable?" perhaps?

PaquesJeLeVauxBien · 08/04/2012 18:04

You know, OP, some of us here have engaged our brains and tried to give you an insight as to why your friend might be asking these rhetorical questions.

Which, therefore, might give you a better idea how to deal with them.

But all of this involves actually thinking about your friend and why she is doing this - and much less about you, which appears to be the issue that you have.

Please accept my apologies for trying to be any kind of help to you.

JustHecate · 08/04/2012 18:06

tethers.

ok OP ma'am

Q: "how do you respond when someone asks you something with which you want to disagree but would hurt them if you were honest."

A: "I lie. Tell them what they need to hear. Cos I love them."

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 08/04/2012 18:13

Correct, JustHecate

OP I really hope that helps! Surely surely surely if you have been friends for more than 30 years it's not too big an ask?

As I said upthread, if you really can't you may have to step back from the friendship. Is that really what you want?

Nyac · 08/04/2012 18:14

Ask her to post on AIBU. We'll tell it like it is, as you see here.

I can't see why you're complaining about people saying what they think here, when that's exactly what you want to do to her.

catsareevil · 08/04/2012 18:17

Maybe if you hadnt spent the OP detailing her make-up and marital issues people wouldnt have thought they were relevent.

If you think that people have missed the point then you need to consider the way that you have communicated, because that is all anyone has had to go on.

garlicbunny · 08/04/2012 18:36

I think a pot has posted a thread about a kettle ...

Charbon · 08/04/2012 18:44

I asked a very very simple question- which was how do you respond when someone asks you something with which you want to disagree but would hurt them if you were honest. In this case, it's about her age etc.

Okay, taking your own words at face value, this is my response:

Why do you want to disagree? I mean really, why would you want to tell her that she's wrong and does look her age? Why would you want to say something you think would hurt her? If you think about it a bit differently, how could your opinion, however genuinely held, be of any real use or help to her?

That's what I'm puzzled about, especially when you tell us that she's having a troublesome time at the moment. It's hardly an extrapolation to envisage that a 53-year old woman who's having marriage difficulties might be very unhappy right now and in need of a bit of reassurance and support, is it? And that as her long-time friend, that you'd only want to offer that and not hurt her unnecessarily?

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 19:08

I would say, "No i wouldn't say you need makeup, you should do what you are comfortable with, personally i like a bit of coverage though for a more even complexion."

So you don't hurt her feelings but put the idea out there that make up might not be a terrible idea.

As for the age thing . . . No idea! Way too touchy a subject!

exoticfruits · 08/04/2012 19:08

It puzzles me too-it isn't a situation for 'truth'. Either be supportive or see less of her.

kerala · 08/04/2012 19:40

OP I totally get what you mean. All you prissy posters have you ever encountered this in someone in you love? It is MADDENING! My sister is like this. I adore her, as do the rest of the family and her many friends but she drives us all mad with the questions. Do I look fat? Do I? Do you think I look fat? Does this top make my bum look big? Do you think I have put on weight since you last saw me? etc etc etc on and on and on.

She is and always has been quite large - not fat just big. She is insecure because my other sister and I have always been naturally slim (less so now ha but we are). We have been really blunt I have told her to her face (as you can as a sister harder as a friend I appreciate) that these constant questions are bloody annoying. At her hen weekend all 20 of her friends present made her pledge to stop doing it. She still does though.

FondleWithCare · 08/04/2012 19:48

Prissy?

ariadne1 · 08/04/2012 19:52

op you rather patronisingly state

'The whole point- and the people who have missed it have simply not read properly, is that she asks "questions" that are not questions, but statements. if you don't know what a rhetorical question is, then look it up'

and then go on to say

'how do you respond when someone asks you something with which you want to disagree but would hurt them if you were honest.'

you are contradicting yourself ! They are either rhetorical questions or they aren't!!

garlicbunny · 08/04/2012 22:05

I've always thought it really helps an insecure woman to tell her the way she talks is crap (as well as the way she looks). What are friends for, eh

usualsuspect · 08/04/2012 23:22

Prissy? ffs

In my world its called being nice to your mates

differentnameforthis · 09/04/2012 03:40

thanks to the handful of posters who actually used their brains before posting

You charmer, you! Perhaps her next question should be "I don't need a friend as rude as you, do I"

EssentialFattyAcid · 09/04/2012 14:07

Is this your first post on mumsnet, OP?
(not a rhetorical question)

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