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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect in-laws to have both dc...

93 replies

driedapricots · 08/04/2012 08:56

In-laws are what I'd describe as fair weather, flashy grandparents, e.g they live 40 mins away but only see our dc every 2-3 months usually when we instigate it. Theres lots of 'gushing' & presents involved... Now they've asked to just have the eldest (4) for a couple of nights, so they can spend 'quality time' with them..which I guess is an advancement but I can't help but think they should have both children else it'll appear like favouritism & leaves us explaining...& also not particularly benefitting from a break!

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/04/2012 08:59

Oh my in-laws have mine separately and actually its lovely for them to get the individual attention.

How old is the youngest? May be that they're not keen on doing nappies/night wakings . . .

PandaNot · 08/04/2012 09:02

Agree with the above poster. My older one visited alone until younger sibling was old enough for them to be comfortable enough with having her overnight.

LingDiLong · 08/04/2012 09:02

Yes it depends on the age of the younger child. Also they may well intend to have the youngest DC seperately on another occasion.

blubberyboo · 08/04/2012 09:02

yabu

they prob feel they couldn't cope with a very small child who might cry for his/her mummy and who could be hard to pacify

its not favouritism..you just tell the younger child that they will get to go when they are older

PandaNot · 08/04/2012 09:03

Sorry forgot yabu.

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 08/04/2012 09:03

YABU to expect them to have both DC at the same time- not everyone is up for that. My inlaws often take DD who's 4 for a week or so which she loves but have never taken my youngest who's 10 months. I'd never expect them to anyway- he's hard work! don't get me wrong, if DS gets to 4 and has never been invited to stay with grandma and grandad then I wouldn't be happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/04/2012 09:03

YABU to try to dictate the relationship your children have with their grandparents or vice versa. Older people have lives... they've done their but. Accept them as they are, rather than being resentful because they're not precisely what you want them to be.

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 09:03

How old is the younger child?

I would happily let my 4 year old go off to my parents' house overnight (when she feels ready), but I think my 2 year old is probably better off with DH or me around to put her to bed.

If it was for a particular reason I'd ask them, but I think 2 is still too small to get much out of a night away just for fun.

Also, she's much more work.

Why shouldn't an older child get to do things their sibling isn't old enough for?

What's so hard to explain about "when you're a bit bigger"?

I think YABU to demand they take both and WBVU if you made your older child miss out just because their younger sibling is too small.

rubyslippers · 08/04/2012 09:04

YABU I think

I wouldn't expect any of the DCs grandparents to have mine both overnight regularly - has happened twice in 2.5 years for me and I am super, unbelievably grateful for it and I dont expect it at all

I think you are miffed because you don't get the break!

Groovee · 08/04/2012 09:04

Both sets of parents have our children together and individually. Our 2 are 9 and 12 and I've never had to explain why one child is going to granny's. It's not always about parents getting 'a break' either.

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:07

they are the grandparents not parents. it is lovely that they have offered this. you sound more pissed off that you are not getting a break from both kids. ungrateful!

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/04/2012 09:07

Yes if you want a break you need to make a specific request for that. My in-laws have had all of my dc's overnight when DH and I have gone away for a birthday but I know they find it easier having them separately and get to do age appropriate stuff with them.

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:08

"gushing and presents involved" ... they sound like lovely GPs and you sound ungrateful.

Original poster

driedapricots · 08/04/2012 09:10

Ok so iabu! Younger one is 20months & it is all about the break, yes! I'll graciously accept & stop being so damn selfish ;-)

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/04/2012 09:12

Driedapricots - I totally get the desire for the break believe me

20 months is still pretty young though.

See how this goes and then perhaps ask them if they'd have both for one night so you could have a break.

I was very very tired last year and mil could see and she insisted on having my 3 for 2 nights to allow us to have a break.

Gigondas · 08/04/2012 09:12

Can see why you want a break but agree with others. They may well feel happier with both dc when little one is older.

LingDiLong · 08/04/2012 09:15

Ah yes YABU then I'm afraid. What would the 20 month old get out of a night at the grandparents? Especially ones they're not that familiar with? No-one will have my 22 month old overnight either - and I'd never expect them to. You break will come when they get older, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Sigh.

Original poster

driedapricots · 08/04/2012 09:16

It's fine, my parents have both of them overnight regularly with no qualms...I actually think its all the gushing that gets me..then we don't hear from them for 2 months!

OP posts:

Dozer · 08/04/2012 09:17

yabu to expect them to take both, but ywnbu to say no to the 4yo doing overnighters all of a sudden.

"gushing and presents" can often be for the GP's benefit imo. Lots of pictures taken to show off to friends etc etc.

I would far rather FIL read stories, took an interest, than spent his money.

My FIL is like this, has made v little effort with any of his DC or gc yet expects to do X, Y and Z with them when they're old enough (in his eyes) to be "less work". While it's totally up to him how much time he spends with them, i think his expectations are unreasonable. The DC are unlikely to want to spend weekends, for example, when they barely know him.

CurrySpice · 08/04/2012 09:17

I think yabu to "expect" anything.

But I totally hear what you say about the gushing and presents. My dc have a set of GPs who have little or no day-to-day involvement in their lives despite living 10 minutes away. On the rare accessions they do see them (never babysitting or overnight in 12 years!!) they gush and shower them with presents. It makes me seethe

CurrySpice · 08/04/2012 09:17

Occasions

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:18

why is the gushing a problem? they are obviously glad to see them! why is that a bad thing? so they dont see them too often. maybe its hard for them to make the journey, or why cant you make the effort more often.

listen you know yabu. when your youngest is older it will be less work for them. they want to enjoy their grandkids.

LingDiLong · 08/04/2012 09:19

Your parents have them regularly then what do you need the break for??! I've only ever had one overnight break in the 7 years I've been a parent you ungrateful wretch!!!

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:20

those that complain about gushing ... would you rather your kids be ignored? seriously i cant wrap my head around this. be grateful you have GPs for your kids ffs and they have some kind of relationship!

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/04/2012 09:20

Gosh - so you do get overnight breaks then.

Sympathy vanishes

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