to expect in-laws to have both dc...

[driedapricots]

In-laws are what I'd describe as fair weather, flashy grandparents, e.g they live 40 mins away but only see our dc every 2-3 months usually when we instigate it. Theres lots of 'gushing' & presents involved... Now they've asked to just have the eldest (4) for a couple of nights, so they can spend 'quality time' with them..which I guess is an advancement but I can't help but think they should have both children else it'll appear like favouritism & leaves us explaining...& also not particularly benefitting from a break!

Dd3 didn't go to stay with her sisters with my parents till she was past three. She had a lovely time then.

Skyblue the OP regularly gets and overnight break from her own parents.

I don't understand the need for constant nights off from one's own children, I find the concept a bit odd.

My lovely late fil found it very hard to express his feelings. They had been very poor indeed when dp was young and fil had always felt guilty for not being able to buy his own children stuff. He got huge pleasure from buying loads of stuff for his grandchildren and expressing how he felt to both them and to his own adult children that way. Dd still remembers sitting on his lap with the Argos catalogue telling him what she would like! They adored each other- and the presents were fill's way of telling her.

Do you know what, its not nec about the overnight thing either...I'm thinking ahead to when youngest will understand & also the waving off of 4yr old ..leaving her whilst the 3 of us go back home, without her... There's lots of niggly resentments tbh with this set of in-laws..but hell yes I'm selfish and spoilt if taking any breaks that are going is an indicator of those traits...imo I think parents who want to spend every minute with their kids are rather odd..

I think the word 'gush' is used when there's no real sentiment behind it. So the OP's in laws gush over their grandchildren, then aren't seen for months. It's false and done for show.

Come on dried - its not spending every moment with children but from your earlier posts it seemed you were desparate for a break and that's not really the case if one set of gp's do have both your children over night.

And in my experience - individual time with gps is a wonderful thing as your 4 year old will get to do stuff thats totally age appropriate for her/him.

TSC - the travelling makes your situation different I think - I wouldn't be up for that either really.

Yes, gushing but then no contact whatsoever for 2-3 months...they are both retired & proclaim how much they love seeing gc so I can't compute why they woyldnt want to see them more

It's funny OP because my mum has got the strop at the moment for a similar sort of thing.

TBF my parents house is quite small and it is a struggle fitting all 3 DC in, but it really riles me when she asks if DD1 can stay over, with no mention of the others unless to say that she "can't do all 3 of them". The thing is though, she mentions it in front of the DC and as DS is almost 4, he understands what is going on. It's not fair on him. DD2 is 22 months so its not as bad.

Anyway, DM asked if DD1 could sleepover this weekend. There was no mention of the others, so I said I didn't think it was fair on them and actually DD1's behaviour hasn't been all that good lately. DM now isn't talking to me because I apparently didn't let her finish. If she wanted to have both older ones over for the night, she would have said would DD1 and DS like to come to a sleepover, but no, she only asked about DD1 and I'm in the wrong for putting my foot down.

OP, YANBU

"I'm thinking ahead to when youngest will understand..."

Why do you think it will be the same invitation when the youngest is old enough to understand?

They might take both of them then. Or take each individually.

You're just inventing a problem here where there is none.

The small toddler you have won't understand, so imaging how hurt he would be if he did is ridiculous.

"but hell yes I'm selfish and spoilt if taking any breaks that are going is an indicator of those traits"

No, you're selfish and spoilt because you're griping that the invitation for your 4 year old doesn't offer you enough of a break.

There is a break going - overnight with just the toddler to mind, but that's not enough for you.

I do sympathise with having GPs nearby who don't seem to want to see the children often :(

Which is why I think getting in a snit when they do reach out is so absurd. Let your 4 year old go and have some top GP gushing and spoiling time. Toddlers are more trouble than 4 year olds, but they go to bed earlier (hopefully :) ).

Lucy - that's a very different situation, and I agree, very unfair on your DS (unless he got asked over alone the last time).

Also, as DD's mother of course you need to decide if she deserves a treat like that. It is ridiculously childish of your mother to be stropping like that.

As DD1 (4) says "sometimes the answer is no".

I do understand the irritation of 'glory-seeking' GPs. It's not that you don't want them to have a lovely relationship with you DCs - you do - but you feel like you are always the one suggesting meet-ups, get togethers, lunches etc and often get rebuffed because they are too busy, which is completely fair enough - they have their own lives after all. However, to then swoop in with lots of presents once in a blue moon and be all OTT is actually not fair on the children.

My dad was like this once he'd left home and it was awful. My brother and I were older so understood a bit more, but even so. My PILs are lovely, kind people, but they are better off than my mum. My mum does so much to help out in terms of childcare, dotes on her GD and is equally lovely as my PILs but doesn't have much money. It is not my PILs fault, but it is bit galling when a couple of times a year they spring expensive presents on their GD and I worry that at a young age my DD won't appreciate both sets of GPs equally for their different qualities - gushing and presents are so much more exciting. My dad isn't that interested, sees his GD once a year, but I do at least appreciate that he doesn't try to 'buy' her affection or ease his guilt by showering her with gifts. He just gets down on his hands and knees and plays with her, which she loves!

As you say in your OP, at least it is progress that the PILs want to see your eldest a bit more now that he is 'at an easier age' - fingers crossed you'll see them be just as keen to have your youngest when they are at a similar age. Maybe your mum would like the youngest on one of the same nights that your PILs have your eldest that way so there is 'no favouritism' she gets time alone with your youngest and you get your break - win win!

By "gushing" I don't mean a genuine outpouring of love to the kids which I embarrass them by doing all the time I mean an insincere "show" of affection saying "look what a wonderful gp I am" and is never backed by deeds and thoughts on an ongoing basis. That's what I mean by gushing. Which is why it makes me cross.

Okay you all have my permission to shoot me in the head right now because even I can't believe how patronising I am just about to be:

when the time comes you will very likely find that being the perfect grandparent is every bit as hard as being the perfect parent and getting it right is damned near impossible. And I say this as one whose children (in law) are really very uncritical and undemanding...as far as I know .

Something about this thread compelled made me want to say that.

Good point sarahdoctor! Hadn't thought of that really

Oh Westwinger your post was the very epitome of sweet reason and conciliation! (Sorry if that sounds sarcastic and gushing it's actually sincere!) I can't believe you hadn't thought of it...perhaps just too obvious to say!!

My parents have always had both DCs from a few months old (there is a 2 year age gap).

My MIL would have my niece over night but never my boys as she had looked after DN from birth so felt more comfortable. It iriitated me a bit but thats life. My Dn was a very difficult child and would never go to bed but the boys have always been good at going to bed etc. I think she just knew my DN better but never actually tried with my DSs, in fact she wouldn't even put them to bed when babysitting - they are honestly perfect at going to bed so I'll never understand it.

I think you haven't got a right to expect the in-laws to have them both but I can never understand why they wouldn't really. Many of my friends have no parents around to help so I guess having any help at all makes us lucky.

yabu
my dad used to do this. it was so that the older child got a bit of a treat. also the older one was easier to look after.

I dunno, I had two very different grandmothers.

Dad's mum was like an archetypal Granny - all presents and treats and spoiling us rotten. Tons of sleepovers and babysitting.

My Mum's mum isn't really that excited by children - she bought us clothes and books (big treat for me, not so much my siblings) for birthdays and Christmas. She really preferred when we were older and could play Scrabble and have debates about politics.

We are all very close to both of them (I know, I know, so lucky to still have both of them at 36 :) )

As we grew up we understood that they were different kinds if grandparents with different things to offer. We didn't love either any less.

Children are not stupid, they know that people are different and take them on their own terms.

That is a good point, Sarah. I hadn't thought of it either.

I guess when your eldest is 4 you aren't so much thinking of being a grandparent :o

We live 250 miles from MIL and 100 miles from my mum. My dc have never stayed at MIL's; even when PIL was alive she would never have coped the IL's and now just MIL have always come to us and that has suited everyone.

My parents on the other hand rarely come to us (our house isn't clean and tidy enough for my mother who is uber fussy). However, from the age of 5 she had ds for a week or two every year (beach at bottom of garden, child's paradise, etc). When dd was 5 she had her too. There were only a couple of years when she had them both together when dd was about 7/8 I think. There is no way she would have had either child before they were 5 partly because she would have worried about them getting upset, partly because she was by then getting on a bit and wouldn't have coped and partly because I wouldn't have wanted it.

The children had some lovely times there on their own getting special attention and the one at home with me got special attention too. It worked all way round. Once ds was about 13/14 he didn't want to go though, no broadband, no friends and not much to do. Dd is the same now too and my mother is irked by it whilst at the same time recognising that actually she couldn't cope with one now, let alone two and would have no idea how to deal with a street wise London teenager who would be bored out of his or her brains.

There's nothing wrong with gushing and buying presents though but there is something wrong with expecting grandparents to provide free childcare and breaks for mum and dad to do their own thing.

OP you say its about the bond, but seem more bothered about getting a break. Your want your pils to be more involved and that's what they are doing. But its not enough, you want a complete break which you already get. I think your being petty and using the pils 'gushing' as an excuse.

I guess when your eldest is 4 you aren't so much thinking of being a grandparent

Believe me, it is the greatest trusim EVER that grandchildren are your reward for not shooting your own children! Worth waiting for IME!

I was the eldest of 4 and lived for my time with my grandparents 1 to 1 it was what saved my sanity growing up and my siblings who didn't get it were very jealous and you could tell they hadn't had the benefit of the time out tbh.

Or even the greatest TRUISM ever

YABU I have 3 DDs and they loved taking it in turns staying with MIL.