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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect in-laws to have both dc...

93 replies

driedapricots · 08/04/2012 08:56

In-laws are what I'd describe as fair weather, flashy grandparents, e.g they live 40 mins away but only see our dc every 2-3 months usually when we instigate it. Theres lots of 'gushing' & presents involved... Now they've asked to just have the eldest (4) for a couple of nights, so they can spend 'quality time' with them..which I guess is an advancement but I can't help but think they should have both children else it'll appear like favouritism & leaves us explaining...& also not particularly benefitting from a break!

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 08/04/2012 09:21

I used to stay at my grandparents a lot and rarely with my siblings. I loved it - one to one attention doing stuff with my grandparents. I discovered a love of walking and books through them and that no-one in the entire world can make a bacon sarnie like my grandma could.

Happy memories.

Let your 4 yr old go and develop a long lasting relationship with them. He's at an age he can engage with them in a brilliant way.

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:22

sympathy gone here too. no one has ever had ds over night except once when i had an awful vomitting bug. MIL took him and even i felt awful as his sleep pattern was all over the place. she lives 2 mins away and never had him over night. but she is the best MIL ever. i just dont want to be burdening her as he can be a handful.

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 09:23

" My dc have a set of GPs who have little or no day-to-day involvement in their lives despite living 10 minutes away. On the rare accessions they do see them (never babysitting or overnight in 12 years!!) they gush and shower them with presents. It makes me seethe."

So because they don't do babysitting for your benefit, it annoys you that they enjoy seeing their grandchildren? To the point of seething?

Um... OK.

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:24

exactly AThingInYourLife ... i dont get it either. sounds like OP only wants babysitting duties.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/04/2012 09:26

I also think generally its a mistake to insist each child gets the same thing be it a toy at a particular time or a sleepover at grandparents.

As long as the overall approach is fair - well its swings and roundabouts here.

DPrince · 08/04/2012 09:26

Dd goes to my pils all the time on her own. Ds is 13 months and is yet to stay over at either of our parents. They are all approaching 60 and don't find it easy. Dd is nearly 8 and much more manageable. I would love a break but its not going happen. My pils are like yours, I think they are great.

blubberyboo · 08/04/2012 09:27

20 months is very young..i wouldn't be comfortable keeping someone else's child overnight at that age as they look for their mum
i have a niece who screamedcried everytime her parents went out the door. she is now 30 months and is only now starting to be happy to stay in my house while her parents go out for a meal or whatever

allow your older one the opportunity to be the centre of attention for a while cos if the little one was there it would limit what they could do with him/her

the gushing for me wouldn't be a problem either. gps don't have to be there day to day

ssd · 08/04/2012 09:27

op, you sound spoilt and hard work

one set of grandparents gushes and spoils your kids with presents, the other set often have both kids overnight to give you a break

are you really expecting any sympathy here?

there are thousands of us out here who would die for either set

TheSecondComing · 08/04/2012 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 08/04/2012 09:32

Snorts at explaining to a 20 month old - come on OP you can handle that one.

scuzy · 08/04/2012 09:33

Thesecondcoming thats fucking terrible!! so unless your inlaws take both kids so you can have a break you are denying them a relationship with them? how disgusting and selfish!

CurrySpice · 08/04/2012 09:34

That's the whole point. They do ignore them for months on end!

what makes me seethe is the completely ignoring them for months on end. Never seeing them or contacting them. Then the falseness and hypocrisy of how ott they go on the rare accessions they do see them. If they thought they were as wonderful as they loudly proclaim, then they would make the effort to see them more often than 3 times a year even though they have time on their hands and live 4 miles away. That's what makes me seethe. Hth

I have never even thought of asking them to babysit. They certainly don't offer. And tbh I am glad they don't

ajandjjmum · 08/04/2012 09:35

A slight defence of OP (and others) here - I remember GPs arriving to see their new grandson when he was 5 weeks old (never met him before) and gushing - to the extent that I couldn't hold him all morning. It was my first Mother's Day too - not that I'm twisted and bitter . They were not ancient and lived in the UK. I was pretty hacked off at the time. I've now grown older and learned to live with this sort of stuff - and relationships have matured, which makes it easier!

DPrince · 08/04/2012 09:37

I have no sympathy now. Seems like you get breaks. Your OP comes across about how your pils are excluding your youngest. In actual fact your peeved your not getting another night off. Its not for your benefit. Its for your eldest benefit. So she can spend more time with them. Which according to your OP, you want.

Jinsei · 08/04/2012 09:40

YABU. You are already getting regular breaks when your parents have the dc. You complain that you usually have to initiate contact with your PIL, but now that they have taken the initiative to suggest something, you are complaining about that as well.

You won't even have to explain why it's fair to your 20mo so that's clearly a non-issue. And if you don't like the gushing, how would you want the GPs to be when they see your kids. Bored & uninterested?

severnofnine · 08/04/2012 09:45

I had two grandmothers when i was growing up they both lived around 15 minutes drive from us when we growing up.

One used to see us regularly, would have all 3 children to stay over whenever she could, even when we were tiny and would never make a fuss about it. She rarely brought us presents. She always made time for us and we would always fit around any plans she had ( so going with her to visit friends o0r to church events or whatever).

I had another grandmother who would buy us flashy presents; a trip to see her always meant a trip to the shops to buy whatever i wanted. I was invited to stay as i was the oldest and she found me "easiest" . She openly said I was her favourite and that we " had a special bond" in front of my sister who was 2 yrs younger. even at age 5 I knew this was a bit mean.

Guess who I m still in touch with

So actually I think YANBU.

CurrySpice · 08/04/2012 09:47

Severnofnine that's exactly what I mean!

DPrince · 08/04/2012 09:49

Severen - the OPs youngest is 20 months no need for an explanation. There is no indication of the oldest being asked because they are the favourite. The situations are different.

TheSecondComing · 08/04/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DPrince · 08/04/2012 09:56

I have no doubt my kids will be closer to parents when they are older. They see my parents 4/5 times a week. My mum has just dd over. Nothing to do with favourites. I understand 2 kids is hard. Especially when one is small. When ds is older I am sure my parents and pils will have both or just ds. I am sure the OPs will as well. The OP seems more concerned about the fact that she won't get a break than the bond between her dc and pils.

severnofnine · 08/04/2012 09:57

I know different situations but I was just sharing my experience.
for example last week all 3 of my children went to stay with MIL for the night. the youngest is 2 now but we've been doing similar since they were about 18months old. she occasionally has combinations of children ( so for example will have ds2 only if they are planning to go on a day out just for him).

the op doesnt say if this is a one off or if they spend one on one time with the 20 month old too.

TheLightPassenger · 08/04/2012 10:01

yabvu re:the free childcare side of things, but I have some sympathy re:PILs not being interested in seeing the children v often, being in a similar position, as my child is now in a position where he's starting to notice and ask questions about this

DPrince · 08/04/2012 10:03

May be the pils don't feel able to cope with a 20 month old. No shame in that.

AutumnSummers · 08/04/2012 10:15

The anti-gush brigade are creeping me out a bit. Why is outward affection something to be scorned? It's not like people are going all Tom cruise and jumping on couches declaring love. It's just emotion and presents. All normal.

And yes OP YABU. Especially since you regularly get a break.

skybluepearl · 08/04/2012 10:17

I thihk when the younger is 2 and a half they might be more willing for an over nighter. I really get the need for a proper break though.

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