Help with MIL problem....

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....

We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.

It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... :(

x

[DairyNips]

I understand why you feel scared. It depends why you want to write. I have written to my parents many times explaining why their behaviour is unacceptable and how thy have hurt us. It didn't change anything, they just acted super insulted and played the victim again and again and claimed I was making up lies about them etc.

However, if it would make you feel better to get it off your chest then by all means write to them. I'm just saying don't expect any revelations about what an idiot she is on her part

Another option would be to write a letter with no intention of sending it. Just to offload so it's not all in your head anymore?

[Hownoobrooncoo]

Pumpkinsweetie. - not saying your PIL's aren't a nightmare but why are you blaming them for lack of supervision when it's your own husband who fell asleep and left them to it. It's statements like this that make me wonder where the real problem is. On these boards we only hear one side and there seem to be so many evil MILS and PILS out there.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Electric Blanket, what you said about trying to find the strength to forgive or brush it under the carpet really struck a chord with me. That's how I felt for a long time, and still do to some extent.

Forgiveness is hard, and I have been trying to find it for years. I can't. I don't feel it's brushed under the carpet as much as its more that its in a box that is tucked away at the back of my mind. Forgetting is also very hard, especially when you have to live with the consequences of what was done. We have to live with the consequences of what was done on a daily basis and it's heartbreaking.

There is a Buddhist quote that I try to remember regularly, it goes something like

'Holding on to anger is like holding onto a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone. You are the one who gets burned'

It's so true.

[gettinghappy]

Op, I think you need to decide if you want to save your marriage. If the answer is yes, then what others have suggested sounds sensible to me.

You and the childrne have nothing at all to do with her. Acknowledge that your husband will chat/call her if he chooses, tell him you respect his decision for himself, but ask him please not to talk to you about it as it is emotionally just to difficult for you. Make it clear to him that it's ok for him to dothat but that neither you nor your children will ever be in a positon where she can verbally/emotionally abuse you again.

What an awful position. Yes she is damaged, but that does not give her the right to damage anyone else - particularly you or your children. If she ever makes such an awful display of behaviour on your doorstep again - call the police.

Hope you can work things out with your husband. he sounds like he's caught between a rock and a hard place. It might help him to know that because you are related to someone does not mean you HAVE to love them..........but I'm sure his therapist has told him this already and he is trying to work it through in his own way. x

[Xales]

This will stuff pisses me off.

My mum was treated like fucking shit by her family all her life. She was conditioned to be the black sheep.

The last few years of an elderly relative's life she came to live with us apart from the last few months when mum said she needed a break and they went to another relative. This elderly relative said my mum would have something in their will for looking after them. She got sweet fuck all. It all got left to others. If my mum had not taken this relative in no other fucker in the family wanted them and they would have had to go into care spending what money they had left.

Her parents were able to buy their house with their share and when my mum mentioned she had been told she would be left something was told she would get her fair share when her parents died. When her last parent died this year she was left 5% of their estate while the other kids divvied up the remaining 95% between them.

I have had as little to do with them as possible over the last 20 years (basically going to their funerals) and I only did that for my mum. She is heart broken that even in their dying they have treated her like shit and tries not to show it.

Now my mum would have done the caring all over again as that is the sort of person she is. It wasn't about the money.

I am stubborn and pig headed. If someone ever said they were cutting me out unless I bent down and kissed their arse I would tell them to get fucked. Much as I could do with the money I will never be blackmailed like that.

OK that was a little off the track.

You have no reason to think that even if you and your family bend and scrape to every one of this selfish bitch's whims from now to the day she dies that she will leave you so much as a dirty look. If she is as spiteful as she sounds I wouldn't hold my breath. So in my opinion that is no reason to make nice with her.

I would sit and be very clear with your DH that you love him and that you want to be with him.

Then tell him clearly it is his family. If he wants to have contact with them he is welcome to. You don't want to hear about it and you and your children will not be going there as it is not an environment which is good for them.

They are not welcome in your house and you will not be the one cooking, cleaning or entertaining his sister.

If he loves you as much as you love him can you both agree to this compromise?

[Spuddybean]

Hi OP. I read your thread last night but was too tired to answer. I thought i would say something this morning. My pils are a nightmare too. Not in the same way as yours tho. No shouting. For the first year DP and i were together i thought they were fine. A bit eccentric (mil neurotic and paranoid/obsessed with money. dad rude and selfish) but okay. DP had told me stories of things they had done, and that not one family member or friend spoke to them as they had all been banned from the house. He told me how mil had blackmailed him into splitting up with a girlfriend (he was young and at uni and reliant on them).

Anyway, out of the blue, his mum called him to say i was banned from the house due to a series of things i had said that they had basically been drawing out of me over the year. (nothing personal, opinions on eggs, carpets and xmas trees etc).

So, altho at first it was hard. DP and i agreed it wouldn't split us up. He still went to see them once a month and we didn't discuss them. That was 3 years ago now and altho people think it odd - it really is the best solution.

I know it isn't the same, but could you and DH come to an understanding like that?

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree hownoo my H should have took responsibilty and i dont blame my pil for not watching children as he was there but to leave sharp knifes on kitchen top & a saw on picnic table when they knew we were coming was very irresponsible also. In my home all knifes and saws etc are out of reach or locked away.
I was just pointing out why i cannot let him attend these gatherings with my dcs alone but i understand where ur coming from.
I hope things get better op & u and your H work things out

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

For the past 18 months we have been of the agreement that I wont have them in the house etc etc etc until she can accept her behaviour is unacceptable. And or an apology. It took me 6 months to reach this position. I have always been fair. As in I waited 6 long painful months for her to see that she hurt me and my family.

So thats how its been played for the past year and its not easy but its whats been done.

The DP wants me to have SIL over. Essentially SIL has done nothing wrong. She has occassionally called DH to tell him that their Father could die and that he should stop this nonsense etc etc etc and let MIL see the children.

Emotional blackmail at its best...

But I dont restpect, like or appreciate have to watch my husband be ostracised from his family by his immediate family because MIL has somehow made herself the victim?

I have not spoken to any of my Inlawas for 18 months.

As for teh Will we both can see that his FIL is desperately unhappy with this woman and has stuck around because there is money in it and he doesnt know how else to be without her.

We both very early on agreed that we cannnot spend a lifetime waiting for her to die for their money. We do need money but never enough to prostitute ourselves like that. Im proud of that decision. I cant be a slave to MILs whims and screaming for any potential money in the pot. Xales I feel your pain and the betrayal on your Mums behalf. What shits..... !

Spuddy so we seem to have that understanding and tho its not easy to live that life - we both manage. Im not sure why I have gone off the rails. ???

Im trying to find out what it is thats wrankled me.

DH rang his Mum yesterday from work to see how she was???? To have a chat and they had a FUCKING CHAT???? FFS? He said he didnt want to NOT ring her because he is aware that she is playing the victim card and he didnt want to look like a bully?

Im just really upset. Somewhere inside me feels betrayed? Confused?

Im NOT saying Im right here. Im just upset and I spend the first 8 months in therapy blaming myself for the fallout. MIL says its my fault.

DH is outside now tidying the shed with the kids.... A job he is only doing because he knows Im upset.... You know. Tidying the shed has been on his list of things to do for years and so today of all days he is doing it. He is trying to make amends.

We havent fought. I just cant bring myself to brush this under the carpet.

And now Im confused about SIL visit next week. I agreed to it only because I wanted to try to support DH re: his estranngment from his family. So I said yes and he knows it was hard for me. It will be hard for me as we will have to conduct the entire day with A MASSIVE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

I have never had a voice. Hence the letter which your right DairyNips will only do more damage. I wont send a letter. But I would love to say something/scream something about how this has hurt me, my kids and is damanging our marriage.

They all think (I think) that they just need to get DH to play teh game again and all will be well. Like I dont have a say in this.....

I dont know..... I do know that I wish I spoken to you all about this years ago...

Thank you again for listening and replying. Its bluddy lovely of you all...

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

So weve had a chat and he tells me he rang her becuase he was aware that he was looking like the bully. So he made nice to make everyone happy.

I get that it doesnt matter if he has a relatinoship with her. I get that she is his Mother and he should and does love her.

But I (we) have been though 18 months of hell. Utter hell.... and then he decides to call her for a chat. To make nice.

So I have been supporting him all this time for him to just do what they want him to do all along.

Ive told him the she is never going to welcome in our home, near me or the kids again. Unless she can apologise.

And Ive asked him to make that clear to all.

He wont tho.

And Ive said that he can do what he wants with his family - as he should do. But I need to make my own decisions and I decide to NOT be a part of any of it. And that includes the constant support and sharing of the agony he is in that they put him though.

I cant support him and then have him making nicey nicey just becuse thats what they want him to do?

Does any of this make sense?

[Xales]

It makes total sense.

You just have to be strong enough to stop him if he starts and remind him that you do not want to know.

Good luck.

[fedupofnamechanging]

What you say makes complete sense to me.

I would be feeling betrayed too - they have treated you like shit and you feel, deep down on some level, that it shouldn't be such a struggle for your dh to chose you and put you first, above the nasty, manipulative bitch that is his mother.

The thing is, though - he is damaged by her. He's had years of this and so can't think about it like someone who hasn't been damaged. Because of this, it wouldn't be right to view him as being disloyal to you and I can see you are really struggling to not view him in this way.

I think you are right to tell him that you and kids will not see or speak to her again - if he won't communicate that to his family, then you can. Sil will be visiting and that's a golden opportunity to send the message loud and clear.

Get him to keep on with the counselling (and you too). Eventually he may well come to the same conclusion as you, and cut her off himself. Might take a long time though, because she is his mother.

In life, you can't control other people's actions, only your own. You have decided you want no part of this any more and I think you are right to do so.

Your husband cannot reasonably expect you to listen to him and support him, when he is enabling this to go on. You've drawn your line in the sand - now don't let any of them step over it.

[bringbacksideburns]

He had every right to ring his mother.
His big mistake was doing what obviously he and his entire family have been conditioned into doing for so long, in ignoring her horrific, unhinged behaviour and pretending all was fine on the phone. I would be angry too.

You have every right not to want this woman near you or in your home - any comeback, keep it simple. After the events of Christmas 2010 you do not want to see her. You are still really upset . What isn't there to understand about that?

Your DH should take the opportunity of his sister's visit to explain that to her and why you can not move on without an apology beacsue your family does not behave in this abusive way.

If he wants to see his mother let him make the arrangements away from you. I hope you can work things out between you.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I think you really have to learn to live with the fact that your DH has telephoned his mother. You can't change it. It's happened. You can only change your reaction to it.

It sounds as though you have a pretty good relationship with your DH. He hasn't had such a good homelife as you when he was a child. MIL will always be his mother. Perhaps you could just agree that he doesn't discuss with you any of his conversation with his mother unless he has persuaded her to apologise to you?

The person/people you are hurting most atm are you and then your DH. I know that it is hard. My MIL has been very hurtful to me in the past (nowhere on your MIL's level, though) and now DH does her shopping on Saturdays and takes one of the DC. I haven't seen her for absolutely ages. I'm not bothered as she used to think I'd taken him away from her. She can think what she likes. I won't stop DH from seeing her. I've said he can invite her whenever he wants, but he never has. In the past it was I who pushed him to invite her here. I don't do that any more at all.

Please try and reconcile yourself to the fact that he's going to ring her on occasion and just try not to get worked up about it, but don't discuss it with him, either.

[gettinghappy]

I agree with IloveJudgeJudy and the only onther thing I would add is that even if MIL does apologise, from what you say about her history, it's not likely to be genuine, so if it wa me then I would not be having anything to do with her, apology or not and accept your husband will speak to her. As other posters have said, if he starts to tell you about his chats with his mum, just remind him that it's too painful and you agreed not to talk about it.

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

I think I do get that now Judge Judy :) Its been a long journey...!

I get that he of course can ring his mother as I do understand (as does he) that he is damaged by years of brainwashing/conditioning to allow her appalling behaviour.

And I truly do get that pretty much no matter what - you will always love your Mum no matter how fucked up they are. I understand it and have always acknowledged it....

I was shocked by the call because in her eyes - she has now had a lovely little chat with DS and thinks that she has been forgiven.

Nobody has asked my thoughts or feelings and DH will probably if Im honest not have the courage to tell them of the line I personaly have drawn in the sand. And when push comes to shove and they start hassling for an invite over and he finally has to tell them that I wont have them in the house - it will kick off all over again.

Ive drawn a line in the sand that noone knows about.

Re: lunch with SIL. There is no way - she will talk about it.
I will have to make dinner and polite chit chat until they go.

Im not sure Im brave enough to launch into it all. I wish I were more confident....

Do you think that I will come across as antagonistic to raise the subject and then tell them of MY line in the sand?

IYKWIM?

SIL wants nothing to do with it and just wants DH to behave as it makes her life harder. E.g - we turned down an invitation celebrate neices first birthday as PIL were there too.... SIL not happy.

None of that is my problem.

I just wonder if its a step too far expecting me to host a dinner for SiL and family when all this is going on?

karma your last sentance made a lot of sense. He is expecting me to support him while he does his own thing. I dont think I want to do it anymore.... Walking out seems the easist option but I know that that is rubbish. I love him. And I cant leave him because it means I wont have to deal with MIL anymore... Utter rubbish on my behalf...

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Thank you Xales

:)

[fedupofnamechanging]

leaving him wouldn't help - she would just have access to your children on your husband's contact days.

The best way to thwart her is to stay put and just not allow her anywhere near you and the kids.

Even if she mistakenly thinks that all is forgiven, she will soon get the message when she never sees you and the kids again. Your husband can say what he likes to her, but he won't be able to hide your stance forever.

If it all kicks off again, so be it. You know you are doing the right thing - for your children and for your own sanity. Don't let mil or dh tell you otherwise.

Refuse to engage and instead focus on all the good things that you and dh share.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Let him phone mil but tell him you dont want to know about it future.
He's free to decide when he can see/phone her so why should you have to support him she hasnt apologised & even when/if she does will she mean it??
Im still waiting for apology of fil too, but it looks as if he thinks he's done nothing wrong !
Sheduled to see pil tomorrow dreading it :(, didnt see my sil in the end as H is ill , he seems to always get ill when his family are due round-to be honest i think the stress makes him ill & maybe he wants to see them but feels nervous of the hassle he encounters. Op does your H get mood swings when he's heard from or seen his parents ?- as my H gets very moody when hes been phoned or seen them

[WinkyWinkola]

Gosh.

Someone - anyone - treats my dh and dcs like this mil and they refuse to apologise and make good then they never hear from me again.

Even if it were my mother. It would be a bye bye. And I would broadcast the truth very loudly to the rest of the family.

Nobody would fe allowed to treat my spouse and family that way.

Op, your dh needs to explain why he thinks it's ok for his mother to treat you and his dcs this way. Because by maintaining contact as if nothing has happened, he is condoning her behaviour.

It will happen again. Luckily you are not going to let it. He might though. I would never let the vicious old hag see your dcs with just your dh in charge.

Is he this lame with other people or merely his parents?

[pumpkinsweetie]

And be strong for your H, it must be hard with her as a mum

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

DH has been ostracised by his entire family for 18 months now. Everybody condones MIL behaviour.
Nobody likes this woman and MIL doesnt much like anyone either.
She is incredibly powerful and dramatic. Seeing a 63 year old fit, strong and healthy woman have a tantrum of the worst kind you see in 3 year olds.... is shockign to say the least.
He has always understood that I and kids wont see her again. But now he is wavering on the making nice because he misses all the rest of his family he is finding that fact difficult. IMO.
He doesnt get why I have changed my mind about entertaining SIL.
I dont get it either - I just know I could really do without the stress and fakness of it all... Its a day long charade that I could do without.
Do you think I am punishing DH for phoning his Mum? I dont. I think Im allowed to be shocked and upset. But Im not fully sure of my reactions and keep second guessing myself.
DH has just said that he thinks I want to control the whole thing.

I DONT. I have said consistently that he must do what he wants to do. Brush under carpet, be strong, line in the sand - whatever HE wants! I have supported and comforted him as best I can for 18 months.

But I wont see her again and she wont be seeing the DCs as I dont trust her.

And now he is making signs of brushign under the carpet he is upset that I am upset about it?

Gruuuuuuuurrrrrr

Do stop me if I get to bloody boring.... Im so sorry about all this.

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

Ive often liked the horrid bitch to a hand grenade.... She goes off without warning at the slightest thing and causes so much hurt and pain....

:(

[ilovemyelectricblanket]

winky - he thinks the call doesnt mean anything. Because he didnt mean that all is well as its not all good in his head. But I say that she will see it in a different way and think that she is being or is forgiven.

She really is like that.

[Nanny0gg]

OP - you can't control what she or anyone else in the family thinks, only how you react to them.

Let your DH do what he needs to do as far as his family is concerned, but keep you and your DCs well away and tell him you don't want to hear anything about them.

And be ready to help him when he realises that he cannot deal with them any more.

As far as your SiL is concerned, if she didn't mention your MiL or the situation, would you like her? Would you want to see her? If you would, lay down ground rules about the situation and enforce them.
But if you don't want to see her, make sure your DH understands this and he can meet up with her elsewhere.

[eggkr]

I can understand why its still bothering you tbh.My pil behaved so badly aftter the birth of dd 14 months ago that it made me ill and i also considered splitting up with dh as an option.
I still get anxious and angry when they are coming here (this weekend) but I am able to swallow it for dh.
I found having several open conversations about how they had made me feel and how i feel now that really helped.
Some things just arent worth it.
I keep a low profile when they are about now and often take myself off to see friends for an hour or have my hair done just to water it down a bit.
I take comfort from the fact that they have paid for their bad behaviour by not having the warm welcome they used to before,and they know why too.