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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Small children at funerals

82 replies

LillianGish · 04/04/2012 16:10

I went to a funeral today of a dear friend's husband. It should have been a very moving occasion with heartfelt tributes from the pulpit - unfortunately much of what was being said was drowned out by inappropriate squawking from a small child in a pushchair. The mother concerned was not one of the principal mourners and I can't for the life of me understand why she didn't take the child out when it became apparent that he wasn't going to be silenced. I don't doubt her good intentions in that she wanted to pay her respects and presumably didn't have anyone to leave the child with, but how respectful is it to allow your child to shout out at the top of its voice throughout the service? There were other children at the service - mainly friends of the dead man's children - so I don't object to children in principle - just that they shouldn't be allowed to disrupt the proceedings. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sasslejaney84 · 04/04/2012 16:22

Personally I don't think YABU, I didn't take my DD to my grandma's funeral as she was 3 at the time and I knew she wouldn't sit for an hour and then sit during the cremation service too... Despite the fact that she was close to her great grandma.

Small children don't understand death and the processes of funerals etc, I think you can pay your respects in other ways and don't have to be at the funeral to do so.

Maryz · 04/04/2012 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hathorinareddress · 04/04/2012 16:26

The problem isn't the child.

It's the mother/father/adult in charge who didn't take the child out.

RabidEasterEgg · 04/04/2012 16:27

I think the mother was very rude not to take the child out of the service.
I am one of those people who would have told her to do so

Katiepoes · 04/04/2012 16:30

Agreed. I was very upset at my granny's funeral, I almost could not do the speech I had agreed to do - my cousin's toddler grinning at me over her shoulder cheered me up enough to get through it. The occasional sqwaks and rustles didn't bother anyone, full on yellers were promplt removed.

Or maybe Irish people just know how to behave at funerals? Wink

SauvignonBlanche · 04/04/2012 16:31

I have no problem with small children at funerals but they should be accompanied by a considerate adult.

Sirzy · 04/04/2012 16:31

I think it depends what the immediate family want. I wouldnt take Ds with me to a funeral unless I knew they wanted him there.

Ds came to my nans funeral when he was 6 months and my nephew was 18 months. But we arranged for a family friend to look after both (and bribe dn with buttons!) at the back and take them out of needed. As it was other than dn shouting "hiya nana" when she got up to speak there were no problems

squoosh · 04/04/2012 16:39

Yeah I also agree that the problem isn?t children at funerals it?s parents who can?t be bothered placating a wailing infant.

I personally think it?s a good idea to bring young children to funerals, even if they can?t grasp the concept of death completely it can be explained to them that they?re saying a goodbye. All our family funerals have lots of kids in attendance and there have never been any issues.

I?m also Irish and I think funerals is one of the things we do well as a nation.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 04/04/2012 16:43

I don't think it's just funerals - I think children should be taken out of all 'events' if they start to make a lot of noise. Weddings, school concerts, cinema, theatres, etc. Unfortunately a lot of people are very 'entitled' and have the attitude of 'I want to be here so everyone else will have to put up with my screaming child.'

Meglet · 04/04/2012 16:52

yabu. Children make noises.

I'd be annoyed if an adult chatted throughout a funeral, but not a child.

ReindeerBollocks · 04/04/2012 16:58

We have taken the view not to take our children to MILs funeral next week. We did this for two reasons, first being that DH is going to be in a state and I want to look after him. Secondly, we don't want them running around making noise when we are supposed to be remembering MIL. However we have come under quite a lot of criticism for this. Family think that they should be there and that we are denying their chance to grieve. Given that they are still lacking the understanding of what has happened, we don't think it's appropriate to take them.

YANBU, funerals Should be allowed to accommodate children but children should be removed so that those who want to grieve can do so without being disturbed by a tantruming/noisy child.

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2012 16:59

We all know children make noise Hmm. It's inconsiderate to make every body listen to it at a funeral (or a wedding service, or a school play, etc). The op is talking about the parent who hadn't the manners to take the squawking child outside. Yes, she was rude.

kickmewhenimdown · 04/04/2012 17:13

YABU. Inappropriate squawkings? As compared to appropriate squawkings? I dont think a small child of pushchair age is able to tell the difference. And unless it was crying or wailing loudly and uncontrollably then I don't see why the mother should be made to leave.

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2012 17:16

The mother of the small child of pushchair age should have known the difference kickme. That's the whole point.

Sirzy · 04/04/2012 17:17

During a funeral then there are no type of "sqwarkings" which are appropriate and if they are going on for more than a minute then the polite thing is to remove them

babybythesea · 04/04/2012 17:20

I think children should go to services (weddings, funerals whatever). I'm of the opinion that they are part of a family and should be able to participate as such. How will they learn what is expected of them if they never go anywhere?

However, this does not over-ride the needs of the other people there. So I think you should take your child, and then be prepared to remove them if needed. The occasional babble, to me, does not mean the child needs to go. But constant noise and crying does.

ReindeerBollocks · 04/04/2012 17:21

While I understand why people may want to take children to funerals - its really not the best place for a toddler who will likely lack the understanding of the situation. The funeral is for the family and friends to grieve, and tbh it would be best for any toddler being noisy to be removed out of consideration for the deceased and their family/friends.

takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 17:23

Take them, fair enough, but get them out when they start being annoying.

kickmewhenimdown · 04/04/2012 17:23

FM imo if the child was distressed and crying then yes, the mother should have removed the child, but im imagining a toddler who is babbling away to themselves. All the funerals I've been to this has been acceptable.

MrsKittyFane · 04/04/2012 17:25

kickme: YABU. Inappropriate squawkings? As compared to appropriate squawkings? I dont think a small child of pushchair age is able to tell the difference. And unless it was crying or wailing loudly and uncontrollably then I don't see why the mother should be made to leave.

inappropriate : in the middle of a funeral when family are trying to speak about their loved one. And any occasion where half the people attending can't hear a word being said because of one child..

Appropriate: when the noise a child makes has little or no impact on other people and doesn't spoil an important/ significant occasion or an event which has cost others money.

OP YADNBU at all. The parents should have taken the child out.

Funtimewincies · 04/04/2012 17:27

Was your friend and/or the immediate family upset by it?

Astr0naut · 04/04/2012 17:27

The mother should've had a contingency plan. We took Ds to my grandfather's funeral when he was 15 months old. He ate raisins throughout the service and generally cheered people up at the wake afterwards.

He also served to show my grandfather's legacy, I suppose. Not sure I would have taken him to a non-family member's funeral though.

MrsKittyFane · 04/04/2012 17:28

Babbling and squawking/shouting/crying are very different I agree kickme but I doubt very much this particular child was babbling as the op said it drowned out much of what was said.

Original poster
LillianGish · 04/04/2012 17:28

I don't have a problem with children at funerals per se - in fact there were children there today participating in the service. I don't even have such a problem with squawking at weddings - sometimes an amusing comment from a small child adds to the jollity. I would also add that if it had been his own child I don't think anyone would have minded. By inappropriate squawking I meant the child was not crying - just burbling loudly away as toddlers tend to do. It actually made it very difficult to hear the moving eulogy being given by the man's best friend and difficult for him (rather as if he was being heckled). Very sad about my friend, very cross with this woman - thanks Mumsnetters for letting me vent.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 04/04/2012 17:30

Gosh OP - you have touched a raw nerve with me. Someone (a relative) brought a year old baby to my Dad's funeral last November, despite me and my sister asking her not to bring him in.

Needless to say he started crying during the service, (not his fault I expect he found it all rather strange) and she started loudly shushing him, - when one of the poems we had chosen specially for Dad was being read.

My fabulous sister, leaned over to the mum and hissed 'take him out, now' to this woman, and she looked surprised but left.

Honestly I know it may sound a trivial thing, but I can feel myself tearing up as I think of it. It was a time to say farewell to my beloved Dad, not a circus, and the tension this woman created still upsets me. A funeral is a tribute to the person who has died and an important formal occasion for the grieving family. People who can't think beyond themselves to see that, are very selfish.