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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Small children at funerals

82 replies

LillianGish · 04/04/2012 16:10

I went to a funeral today of a dear friend's husband. It should have been a very moving occasion with heartfelt tributes from the pulpit - unfortunately much of what was being said was drowned out by inappropriate squawking from a small child in a pushchair. The mother concerned was not one of the principal mourners and I can't for the life of me understand why she didn't take the child out when it became apparent that he wasn't going to be silenced. I don't doubt her good intentions in that she wanted to pay her respects and presumably didn't have anyone to leave the child with, but how respectful is it to allow your child to shout out at the top of its voice throughout the service? There were other children at the service - mainly friends of the dead man's children - so I don't object to children in principle - just that they shouldn't be allowed to disrupt the proceedings. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

DrSeuss · 04/04/2012 17:36

As someone who has attended a wedding where the vows were in audible due to someone else's kids and where the mother kept looking at me and smiling as if to emphasize their cuteness, I agree. Take the child out if they cannot be silent. I do it, most do.

jeee · 04/04/2012 17:40

The last funeral I went to, someone answered their mobile phone. Okay, they only hissed into it: "Can't talk. I'm at the funeral." But even so. Why didn't they just switch it off.

I think that small children at a funeral is an individual decision. But anyone who brings them must be prepared to take them out.

SetFiretotheRain · 04/04/2012 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowsprite1 · 04/04/2012 17:48

At my grans funeral DH spent nearly the entire service standing outside with a loudly babbling 9mo DD so she didnt disturb anyone, however we took her to the wake and everyone commented on how wonderful it was to see her to "cheer things up a bit" and so they could see "the next generation". Maybe the trick is to miss the service but go to the wake if you have small children you can't leave with anyone...

mathanxiety · 04/04/2012 17:51

I second what Maryz said about Irish funerals and what small children can bring to them. I think there are very different attitudes to small children in the UK from those you would find in Ireland.

I also think it is far more acceptable in the UK to avoid dealing with emotions like grief at a funeral by deflecting it as anger or irritation at small children.

Becaroooo · 04/04/2012 17:53

It makes me sad that we are a country where children are expected to be seen and not heard.

I went to a funeral last week and there was a mourner there with a VERY young baby....only days old. The poor woman, just had a baby and having to go to a funeral Anyway, the baby cried a bit at some points - as babies do! - and the minister actually made a point of mentioning it and how lovely it was to hear a baby/child in a church.

And it was.

It also brought home to all of us, I think, that life goes on and there is hope for the future.

squoosh · 04/04/2012 17:55

I disagree with SetFireToTheRain

How will children ever gain an understanding if they don't attend. Why shut the children out especially if they were closely connected to the deceased. Funerals are about celebrating the life of those who have died, in many cases small childen are part of that life.

Eglu · 04/04/2012 17:57

OP YANBU. The woman was thoughtless at best for not removing her child.

Kurri so sorry that your Fathers funeral was upset for you by another thoughtless parent.

NoToast · 04/04/2012 17:57

YANBU, my parents took our 8 week old to FILS funeral, so I could go. They sat at the back with her by the door and would have left immediately if she had woken up.

kickmewhenimdown · 04/04/2012 18:05

mathanxiety this is my experience of funerals although my family is not irish, but scottish travellers so perhaps not so different.

Shutupanddrive · 04/04/2012 18:11

I took my almost 2year old ds to a funeral a few weeks ago. I sat at the back so I could take him out if necessary even after several requests to sit up front with the rest of the family. As other have stated, its the parents that are the problem here and should have taken the child out

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2012 18:52

Making imaginary snow angels in the aisle during the sermon I would not bat an eyelid at. FFS!

DartsAgain · 04/04/2012 19:14

I have taken small children to funerals, but always with consideration that if there's a problem I take the child out.

However there are people who will object to children at funerals full stop, whatever their behaviour. When DP's father died, his BIL objected to our 11 mth old DD being present at the funeral. MIL replied that she was a blood relative, which was a lot more than BIL was. She told DP about this afterwards, and it was one more thing that has led to virtually no contact between us and DP's DSis and BIL. DD provided a lot of comfort to DP that day and he was adamant that she was going. I was ready to take her out if necessary, but it wasn't.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2012 19:25

That was my niece, Floggingmolly. The church was pretty full of relatives and the many friends of my aunt. My Dsis and DN sat near the aisle just short of half way up. Nobody minded the snow angels. DN was about three and had sat in a car for four hours getting to the funeral followed by a quick pee in a local pub. Deceased aunt would have enjoyed it no end had she been alive.

'However there are people who will object to children at funerals full stop, whatever their behaviour.'
I think this is an example of someone using irritation as a way of brushing grief under the carpet.

SetFiretotheRain · 04/04/2012 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SetFiretotheRain · 04/04/2012 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock · 04/04/2012 20:39

I have taken my young children to a family funeral but we're Irish They know how to behave in chapel and are used to Mass etc, I took my 3 week old dd3 to a family funeral last year but had my husband sit at the end of the aisle behind us to take her out if needed, of course she never squeaked.

carabos · 04/04/2012 20:56

SiL took her toddler to FiL's funeral - her father, which is absolutely ok. What wasn't ok was that her DH, who was in charge of said toddler so SiL could play her part in the service unhindered, ignored her instructions to take the DC out if he became noisy. Not only did her DH not take him out, he paraded up and down at the front of the chapel, tickling and blowing raspberries, then chasing round the pews. SiL was beside herself with grief as it was, then angry and mortified.

She tackled her DH about it afterward and he was adamant that his DC had as much right to be at his grandfathers funeral as anyone else, which is true, but rather missed the point. All the readings were spoilt and the tranquility of the place destroyed .

ifitsnotanarse · 04/04/2012 21:00

I'm Irish too and I think that it is very important to us as a people that children understand death is not something to be feared and that life goes on. For this reason children are always welcome at funeral services not just the wake afterwards. Also, when the body of a relative or family friend is laid out children are expected to pay their respects - because of this we have no fear of the dead. I have seen all of my relatives laid out - the first I can remember is my granddad who died when I was four.

GwendolineMaryMagdaleneLacey · 04/04/2012 21:04

Well if someone can send out the official line on where exactly it is ok to take children in this bloody country then I'd be interested to read it.

And I agree, Irish children mostly know how to behave in these circumstances because they're not shut out of every occasion. People here as so busy being disgusted at other people's and hissing at their own children it's no wonder they have no idea what to do in situations like weddings, restaurants etc.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/04/2012 21:11

There were more children than adults at DD's funeral.
It was fine and they were all welcome.
I was a bit worried because her dumbass school decided to shut the school 'in tribute' but didnt bother to consult me. I got very stressed because I didnt want it turned into a teenage grief fest. As it happened the children were all impecably behaved and very respectful.

There were young children there and TBH I was too dazed to worry about any squawking.

BUT it is a personal thing and other posters have been very upset by the parents of unruly children. Parents should be aware of the feelings of the family.

I have NO issue about taking children to funerals though. Unfortunately mine have been to quite a few.
I asked my older two if they wanted to go to my Dad's and they didnt. Later they did want to go to their cousin's and then another cousin. The boys of course came to their sister's and their aunty's and grandparents's.

If they became unruly I or my OH would have taken them out. No question.

I have been to the funerals of several young people lost to cancer. I feel sad when other mourners tut and tsk at the sight of young children at these funerals. If they are causing issues - ok but if they are just there, I dont see the need to be so disaproving.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/04/2012 21:12

I am not Irish btw

My family are a bit uptight about this stuff. I dont know why I feel so differently.

elinorbellowed · 04/04/2012 21:12

I attended the funeral of a family friend a couple of years ago. My 2 sisters and I all had tiny, EBF babies at the time. Our DP/DHs came to the town, took the children for a walk during the service - the father of the 2 month old only as far as the garden of rest. It wasn't just about them disturbing the service or children not being appropriate at a funeral, it was more because we were very very upset and didn't want the babies to feel that and be upset too.
I too think the problem is with the parent.

wimini · 04/04/2012 21:23

I had to take DD to a funeral when she was only 13mo. I fed her chocolate coins and cheerios throughout. She didn't cry at all but did make some babbles and squeaks, and wiped chocolatey hands on my skirt. She looked a treat in her bright pink coat when everyone else was wearing black. The person whose funeral it was absolutely loved DD - the last time she saw DD she'd been very down until DD beamed at her and drooled on her and babbled, so she'd have been glad for her being there.

JojoLapin · 04/04/2012 22:04

We could have been at the same funeral Lillian... Some very moving speeches were drowned by the bubbling of a little tot. There were lots of children in the church as our friend was a young man with 3 beautiful children. All behaved so perfectly, I do not understand why the mother of the tot did not leave the church (wether or not she was one of the main mourners).

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