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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should be able to bring a "plus one"

131 replies

juneybean · 03/04/2012 20:24

I've been invited to my friends wedding later this year, the invite simply states my name, I am currently single.

I text friend asking if there was a particular reason for no "plus one" and she said that they were limited on numbers and there will be plenty people there who I know.

AIBU to think that's not the point and that if I was in a relationship my partner would be invited, but just because I'm single I've got to go along and be a third wheel to some other couple. I have checked my the rest of our circles partners have been invited.

I mean it's fine her wedding, she can invite who she wants but doesn't really make me inclined to go.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 04/04/2012 08:42

I've been married for 21 years but I think you are being very unreasonable for the following reasons.

  1. Basic courtesy - you have been sent an invitation and it isn't up to you to dictate its terms.
  1. When I was single I would have been offended if I had been sent an invitation with and guest, implying that as a single person (without a boyfriend) I was not good enough on my own.
  1. Weddings are great for meeting new people. I have met some of the nicest single men at weddings and had some lovely dates as a result - you never know OP.
  1. Weddings are very special and the guests should be those who are important to the couple and their immediate family.
realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 04/04/2012 08:43

This isn't about discriminating against single people. Your friend's partners have been invited because the couple have probably got to know them. I have been a "plus one" at weddings of people I don't know and it's weird as I don't know the couple and don't get all the "in" jokes in the speeches. Your friend won't be bothered about going so why should the b & g fork out so you won't be lonely in a room full if your friends? I have been to weddings with my partner and hardly spoken to him all night because I was so busy catching up with people! I know it can sometimes be hard being single, especially at weddings, we've all been there.

TandB · 04/04/2012 08:54

YABVU

A wedding invitation is to the person the couple want there - if there is an established partner then it is a matter of courtesy to invite them too. You are single and you are the one they want there. There is no partner to consider and they have chosen not to extend their invitation to some completely random person just for the sake of it.

I was single for much of my early twenties and went to a couple of weddings on my own without giving it a second thought. I would have thought it odd to be expected to bring a "date". I have also been to a wedding where DP was best man so I was on my own at a table with people I didn't know - it was fine.

I think the idea of a plus one is a bit outdated now and harks back to a time when women in particular were expected to be escorted to social occasions and people didn't really socialise independently.

molly3478 · 04/04/2012 08:58

YABU I am going to a wedding this year and not taking dh as its limited on numbers. I am sitting on the girls table with all my mates, partners dont need to come to everything.

mummytime · 04/04/2012 09:01

YABU, my DH has been to weddings without me. Even I who invited everyone's kids, couldn't have afforded a +1 for all my single friends/relations, that would have been far more extras than all the children.

MunroMagic · 04/04/2012 09:03

I think YABU. Your friend may well only want people at her wedding that she knows. It will surely be ok if you know lots of other guests?

porcamiseria · 04/04/2012 09:04

yabu

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 04/04/2012 09:06

Just read that you'd prefer it if your friend's husbands weren't invited? Are you saying that you wouldn't get arsey if you had a partner and they weren't invited to a wedding with you? Bet you would.

molly3478 · 04/04/2012 09:09

I dont think husbands should neccessarily be invited if they are short on numbers/cash. I have been to weddings without dh and couldnt care less surely just because your married doesnt mean your incapable of socialising with others. Also when you get there even if the dhs/dws are there no one is going to sit just with their partners and not mingle with anyone else.

BusinessTrills · 04/04/2012 09:18

YABVU to expect to bring someone to a wedding that neither the bride nor the groom know.

BusinessTrills · 04/04/2012 09:22

A wedding is a group activity, not an intimate candlelit dinner where everyone will only talk to their other half.

Have you been watching a lot of American TV where people bring "dates" to weddings?

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/04/2012 09:24

if daytime and sit down meal then can understand why your friend wouldnt want plus ones as costs lots plus if have 5 friends with plus ones as single/not seeing anyone then thats 5 friends she cant invite

but for an evening do where tbh one extra person doesnt really matter seems a bit strange - then again if there are lots of singles then if invited all with their plus ones then would increase numbers by 25%

as its a friends wedding then there will be people you know and tbh its rare for all couples to always be dancing/talking to each othr

many friends weddings i have been to dh and i barely saw each other Grin

and you never know you may meet miss jb

solidgoldbrass · 04/04/2012 09:29

What makes it really odd is that you don't have a partner but you expect them to leave a guest space open in case you get one. If you had just started dating someone who you were beginning to consider The ONe and had rung your friends to say, look, can I bring [beloved] they might well have said yes. But you're coming across as a whinyarse who can't cope with being single as much as anything, and they might think: if you're that desperate you might turn up with a scabby old tramp or Mick the Murderer who you met through some organisation that puts the hopelessly single in touch with prisoners.

GavisconJunkie · 04/04/2012 09:37

solid don't make things worse! It'd be Michelle the murderer, keep up! Other than that, totally agree.

OlaRapaceFru · 04/04/2012 09:53

YABU to expect a 'plus one', although I agree that with an evening do it should be less of an issue.

You said that it's highly unlikely that you'd meet someone new there who you might 'connect' with. But what if, when they were doing the guest list, it suddenly occurred to them that you and Cousin Carol or Susan from the Sales dept might hit it off? Perhaps they don't make a habit of matchmaking for friends usually, but weddings can be one of those occasions.

I would go, having made arrangements to meet some of the other friends beforehand so you're not arriving by yourself.

MummytoKatie · 04/04/2012 10:17

I went to a wedding on my own (and all my friends there are in couples) recently even though I've been married for over a decade. (Combination of childcare issues and the wedding being on a Friday and h having not enough holiday)

It was brilliant. I got to do girly gossip with the girlies. I got to chat with the lads. I got to flirt (a little) with the best man. I didn't have to worry about if h was having a good time. I got to leave when I wanted and drunkenly watch trashy telly in my hotel room whilst trying to sober up.

Agree it's harder to go to an evening do but why not just arrange to meet all your friends in a pub nearby for "a cheeky one" first. Then you'll firstly turn up with all the gang and also feel a little more "well oiled" which always helps!

WillowFae · 04/04/2012 10:20

YABU. If you had a partner and she knew that then it could be taken into account with the numbers. We had limited numbers for the venue and where friends had partners they were included in the numbers. Where friends were single, then it was just them included in the numbers. We wouldn't have been able to accomodate a 'plus one' for them if we didn't know up front when we decided on a guest list. You can't magic a space from nowhere.

Hammy02 · 04/04/2012 10:25

If you know people there - YABU. If you don't know anyone there - YANBU.
I had a small wedding and invited a friend that wouldn't know anyone at my wedding so I gave her a plus-one. She invited her mum. Fine with me. Other people that did know other people there, I didn't give a plus one.

hatesponge · 04/04/2012 10:39

Aren't most of the YABU's missing the point though? The OP has said that everyone she knows there will be in couples. I would feel awkward in that situation, as would most people I know. It's all very well suggesting she has a dance with the girls she knows, enjoys a girly gossip etc but that's all rather dependant on whether the people she knows are happy to do this, or whether they'd rather spend the evening sat in their couples, with all the other couples.

If you want a perfect example of the awkwardness of being a single person sitting in a group of couples, refer to the 'smug married' scene from Bridget Jones' Diary. The reality I'm sure would not be as bad, the OPs friends are no doubt much nicer than that, but if they are all likely to be very couple-y, the OP is going to feel uncomfortable and a bit isolated.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 04/04/2012 10:42

I know, but that assumes that the person in question is unhappy with her single status and aspires to be in a couple. What's wrong with being single? Why should she be an object of pity?

molly3478 · 04/04/2012 10:42

hatesponge - In rl I have never met any couples like the ones in bridget jones. I suppose it depends on your circle but who acts like that in rl?

Scholes34 · 04/04/2012 11:18

YABU - a wedding is a time to meet new people. If I go to any big party like this, DH always spends a lot of time talking to other people, as he can talk to me any time (he says!)

Scholes34 · 04/04/2012 11:19

Err, if you're on your own, you don't have to talk just to girls, have girly chats and dance with girls. You never know your luck, there may be the odd (and not so odd) single man there. Even married men and OHs will talk to single women.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 04/04/2012 11:22

"Apparently, a staggering amount of people actually bump into their future spouses at weddings, which is astonishing."

"Yes, I met my husband at a wedding."

Name the film.

Pandemoniaa · 04/04/2012 11:29

YABU. I'm normally someone who supports the "come all ye" principle at weddings. I despair of the cackhanded offence so often caused by badly administered no children rules and I often think that weddings bear more resemblance to an amateur OK photoshoot than they do a meaningful ceremony.

However, what I think we are seeing here is an acute attack of Guestzilla.

Why on earth should this particular bride and groom give up a place to a currently non-existent partner? Why should they pay for someone who, even if they materialise, will be a well nigh unknown quantity? And why does the OP think that being single is such a dire circumstance that people will pity her?

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