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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should be able to bring a "plus one"

131 replies

juneybean · 03/04/2012 20:24

I've been invited to my friends wedding later this year, the invite simply states my name, I am currently single.

I text friend asking if there was a particular reason for no "plus one" and she said that they were limited on numbers and there will be plenty people there who I know.

AIBU to think that's not the point and that if I was in a relationship my partner would be invited, but just because I'm single I've got to go along and be a third wheel to some other couple. I have checked my the rest of our circles partners have been invited.

I mean it's fine her wedding, she can invite who she wants but doesn't really make me inclined to go.

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 20:57

I just didnt invite anyone DH or I didnt know personally, mostly couples as we mostly knew both parties, I did however bring my one single and didnt know many people friend to the top table, she told me she was worried but she had a marvellous time.

Original poster
juneybean · 03/04/2012 20:59

Well when I decided to "find a man" Hmm ...

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 03/04/2012 21:10

YABU they can invite whoever they like to their wedding. It's fine to not attend if you don't want to go alone, though. But I think very few weddings give a +1 these days.

ifancyashandy · 03/04/2012 21:13

I've been single for 6 years. I would never expect a 'plus one' to a friends wedding - especially if I knew loads of people going. Why would you? Surely you'll just hang out with your mates?

NagooBunnytail · 03/04/2012 21:14

I gave my single friends a +1 to the evening. It's not like I had to pay for another dinner.

TheSecondComing · 03/04/2012 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
juneybean · 03/04/2012 21:23

Not at all? Why on earth would you think that?

OP posts:
Original poster
juneybean · 03/04/2012 21:24

If it's my Hmm further up, that was to the people who aren't reading the thread...

OP posts:
hatesponge · 03/04/2012 21:24

I really think YANBU.

I'd like to know how many of the 'YABU' brigade have actually been in this position. I'll guess very few. I've been as a non plus one to several weddings - however they were mostly ones back in my early 20s when the vast majority of us were all single, so whole tables of single women/men OR (more recently)work colleagues weddings, to which partners/spouses etc weren't invited, so again we were to all intents and purposes a group of single people.

At all other weddings I've been a plus one and if I was single at the time, I brought a friend. There is no way I would go alone to a wedding where every other adult was one half of a couple, I would feel massively uncomfortable. I've been at parties like this and it's hideous. People either want to be in their couples or groups of couples, most women won't talk to you because they think you're some sort of femme fatale, and you end up too scared to talk to the men because of the evil looks you get from their wives/girlfriends.

hathorinareddress · 03/04/2012 21:26

I have been to two "full day" weddings on my own, and 3 or 4 evening do's.

One of them I knew no one bar the bride and groom.

solidgoldbrass · 03/04/2012 21:28

Are you the only single one in this couple's social circle? If so, has it ever occurred to you that your personality may be a factor? If not, do you not think that they simply don't have the time or the funds to include loads of people's random dates, who they won't know and who won't know anyone else?

And if you whine at the bridal couple for a plus one now, and they agree you can bring a date, just how much of a total arse are you going to look if you can't find a date by then? What will you do, bring your mum?

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 03/04/2012 21:32

YABU

Why should I, as a bride with a hefty reception bill at approx. £60/head (including booze) fork out such a cost for a plus one for a guest who isn't even a proper other half and may just be whoever was free to accompany them??

If you had been in a serious long term relationship with someone and still received an invite just for you with no mention of partner (as I did once) then you wouldn't BU.

But to expect the bride/family pay for a plus one who doesn't know the couple and may be plucked at random a few weeks before the wedding is not on.

ilovesooty · 03/04/2012 21:34

I'd like to know how many of the 'YABU' brigade have actually been in this position. I'll guess very few

I've been single for about 9 years, deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis and still feel the OP is unreasonable.

KikkiK · 03/04/2012 21:35

Sorry, but I think YABU (and I say that as a fairly shy person who has been to several weddings solo). If you have a lot of friends who are going I really don't see the issue. I've always just turned up for the evening do, said hello to bride, groom and other friends, had a couple of drinks and danced in a big group. Surely it will just be like any night out with your friends and a few hundred other hangers on?

eurochick · 03/04/2012 21:35

YABU. The couple getting married invite the people they want to celebrate their marriage with to come to the wedding. That is unlikely to include a friend of yours that simply "knows of" them.

FWIW, I've had a great time at weddings without a partner. People don't stick to their other halves like glue at weddings. I certainly don't. And I didn't even at my own wedding.

McFluffster · 03/04/2012 21:37

YANBU. I wouldn't particularly want to go on my own and I wouldn't expect you to either. If everyone else is bringing a guest, it's only fair. Hmm

Original poster
juneybean · 03/04/2012 21:37

I can see how I'm being unreasonable so I'll take your comments on board.

@ KikkiK We never go out with partners on a night out with friends.

Obviously don't know who is on the guest list so don't know if I'm only single person but will endeavour to change my personality Hmm

OP posts:
Jenstar21 · 03/04/2012 21:38

I've been to quite a few weddings on my own, when I was single, and after I met DP. In every case (bar one) the bride and groom made an effort to ensure singles were with folks they would get along with. The one outstanding one where this wasn't the case was a wedding last year where my DP wasn't invited (as we're not married, although we've been together for years, and have DD together). I travelled 400 miles to the wedding, stayed in an expensive hotel, and the bride never said two words to any of us at my table! It's really affected the friendship. :(
Anyway. Sorry that became my rant! I think you need to decide whether you are happy to go alone or not, and stick with it. There's nothing worse than you feeling unhappy and it pervading through everything to do with the event.

hatesponge · 03/04/2012 21:38

Anyone paying £60 a head for an evening reception (OP has stated she's only invited to the evening) is being seriously ripped off...

And how do you define whether someone is a 'proper' partner or not? A friend of mine started dating a bloke about a fortnight before her friend's wedding, and phoned to say she wanted to bring him. Surprisingly the bride agreed - I have to say if I'd been at that wedding as a singleton, and been told no plus ones I'd have been mightily pissed off that a 2 week romance was worthy of an invite when my guest wasnt!

SarahBumBarer · 03/04/2012 21:39

I was going to say YABU but actually for an evening reception YANBU. I can't think of any occassion when I was single that I did not get a +1 for the evening time. However it IS the bride/groom's decision and you have to either accept or decline as you see fit and should do whichever gracefully.

And FWIW - couples almost never dance together at weddings, not the ones I go to anyway. Usually the women dance and the men drink and at best the men get up for the last dance.

LydiaWickham · 03/04/2012 21:41

If you are 'currently single', is this the first wedding/formal event you've been invited too since being single? It's hard to get your head round doing things like going to a wedding which is quite a 'couple' event on your own if you've always done this with someone else. Be brave, worst case senario, you go, you don't enjoy it, you leave early after having told the bride and groom how happy you are for them. But you might end up having a really fun time.

However, if you take someone who knows no one, you might find you have a worse time than if you go alone - you will spend the time 'looking after' them, spending time with them rather than throwing yourself into conversations/dancing with other friends you know at the wedding. Going along with someone who isn't a partner, so has no incentive to 'invest' in getting to know your friends, will mean you end up more separated from the group you know.

Is there anyone else you know who's going? Can you travel together? this instantly makes you a 'group' as you've arrived together it just puts you with them.

ifancyashandy · 03/04/2012 21:42

At all other weddings I've been a plus one and if I was single at the time, I brought a friend. There is no way I would go alone to a wedding where every other adult was one half of a couple, I would feel massively uncomfortable. I've been at parties like this and it's hideous. People either want to be in their couples or groups of couples, most women won't talk to you because they think you're some sort of femme fatale, and you end up too scared to talk to the men because of the evil looks you get from their wives/girlfriends.

If my life / experiences were like this, I would change my friends.

I have been single for 6 years (as previously posted) & I would be devastated if the people I knew only wanted to be in their couples or groups of couples. Or if people just thought of me as a femme fatale.

Actually, no... no I wouldn't. I would think they were ignorant idiots and find more intelligent people to hang out with. Do people seriously think like this?

hatesponge · 03/04/2012 21:48

I do honestly know people who are like this, I was less aware of it when I was with ExP and so part of the coupley group but since I've been on my own it's been very apparent. I tend to only see them when I know other single friends will be there so it's less uncomfortable. I do have plenty of other non-single friends who are entirely normal, it's just a particular group that behave like this.

Kladdkaka · 03/04/2012 21:48

I'd like to know how many of the 'YABU' brigade have actually been in this position. I'll guess very few

Loads of times. Never thought anything about it.

At my own wedding I didn't include +1s. One cousin I hardly know kicked off and demanded her new boyfriend come to evening do. Mum was so upset, that I agree. Big mistake. He was horrible, was abusive to all the waiters and started a fight with one of them for 'looking at him funny'.

skrumle · 03/04/2012 21:49

I thought YWBU to start with but if it's just an evening invite then I think YANBU... I do think it's harder to chat to people when you're just there for the evening do, and unless space is a major issue then it's no skin off the couple's noses to let you bring someone.