Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be annoyed at being left out of wedding party?

124 replies

Buttercup2926 · 02/04/2012 14:18

My general rule is to accept whatever other people want for their own weddings, no matter how loopy it is just suck it up and smile.

I am feeling totally pissed off at the moment though about being left out of my sister's wedding party. There are 5 siblings, 4 sisters and a brother. It's my youngest sister who's getting married. Her fiancé is my brother's best friend, that's how they met. So my brother is the best man.

I hadn't given too much thought as to who would be bridesmaid. I thought they were keeping things fairly small and having 2 bridesmaids, so figured she might ask one of her 3 sisters and her best friend. I would have been delighted to have been asked but equally happy if one of my other sisters was asked instead. All 4 of us sisters get along quite well, but we all live in different cities so don't live in each others pockets.

It now transpires that she is having 4 bridesmaids, my other 2 sisters, her best friend, and another friend. To be honest I am feeling really hurt about it and finding it hard to understand. The wedding party are all staying in a hotel the night before the wedding, having dinner etc., so my brother and 3 sisters will all be there while I'll be at home. They'll all be at the top table, etc.

I plan on doing and saying absolutely nothing about it, I will just put on a smile and get on with it. AIBU to just feel really left out and hurt?

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 02/04/2012 14:20

YANBU to feel left out or hurt.

Sadly there's fuck all you can do about it.

I understand what you mean had she just chosen one of her sisters, but for them all to be chosen except you is a bit rubbish.

Perhaps she hasn't thought about the reality of it all and the implications for the top table and stuff. Are you close enough to her to ask her about it?

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2012 14:21

No, you're not being unreasonable. What a horrible thing for her to do. I would have to ask her (or get someone else to ask her) whether she realised how hurtful it was for you.

pippop1 · 02/04/2012 14:22

That does sound rather unfair. Perhaps they have a different role in mind for you? Speeches or something else. Is there any reason that you can think of why you might be left out e.g. just had a baby or don't like public roles?

SarahBumBarer · 02/04/2012 14:22

YANBU at all. I think she must be incredibly insensitive not to really how this will look and make you feell and not to have had the guts to speak to you about it.

ZillionChocolate · 02/04/2012 14:22

YANBU

Are you the only married one? Going to be pregnant? Already have children? I wonder whether there's a reason she's making a distinction between you.

Mrsjay · 02/04/2012 14:22

I would be very hurt if i were you , YANBU , not 1 sister but 2 are bridesmaids , I guess your sister wanted her friends too but to leave you out is hurtful , i know its her wedding blah blah but i think its ok for you to feel hurt ,

Inertia · 02/04/2012 14:24

Are you perhaps the only one with a family of your own, and they thought you'd be busy?

Not surprised you feel hurt though. Me and DH have 7 siblings between us, and each of them was either best man, brisesmaid or usher. Would never have excluded one sibling!

Sarcalogos · 02/04/2012 14:24

you are not being unreasonable, I'd be really upset in your shoes.

Although, you're right don't say anything, IMHO, your mum or one of the others will surely speak to her for you first!

paddlepie · 02/04/2012 14:24

I don't blame you for feeling hurt - I would too. Are your other sisters married/have kids? Do you have kids, so your sister is maybe thinking you would rather be with them on the day rather than having to do any bridesmaid "duties"?

Panamama · 02/04/2012 14:26

I would feel exactly the same way, and you can't help the burst of pain you felt on first finding this out. It's very sad that you're the only one left out. Your determination not to make a fuss over it and be happy on the day is admirable and shows maturity.

I think it would be okay to discretely try and find out why this is how it is though. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know rather than being upset in private.

confusedpixie · 02/04/2012 14:29

Yadnbu, that's just cruel :( I hope another sibling raises the issue.

otterface · 02/04/2012 14:30

YANBU :( Not nice at all.

Hopefully a misunderstanding - do you think it's likely that one of your other sisters will raise the subject with her?

otterface · 02/04/2012 14:30

x-post pixie :)

wishiwasonholiday · 02/04/2012 14:30

Yanbu I would have been hurt too.

doctordwt · 02/04/2012 14:36

Actually that is horrible. I would find it hard, if you all get on I imagine that your other siblings will also find it upsetting and sad, and it will look odd to other guests.

Can you speak to one of your other siblings about it?

FriskyMare · 02/04/2012 14:36

Aw, that's awful. You are well within yout rights to feel upset.
Can you not speak to your parents or another sister to find out if there is a reason you have been excluded?
Are you married and she wants you as maid of honour or something? I think I would have to find out her reasoning.

doctordwt · 02/04/2012 14:37

And what do your parents think?

EnjoyResponsibly · 02/04/2012 14:38

Is at all possible that all the other BMs are single and you're married with kids?

Disclaimer I'm not saying that shouldnt make you a contender OP, just trying to understand her rather mean motivation.

akaemmafrost · 02/04/2012 14:41

My dsis and I were not getting on AT ALL round the time of her wedding, she still through gritted teeth asked me to be a bridesmaid though.

I would be very hurt and I think you should say something.

Original poster

Buttercup2926 · 02/04/2012 14:47

I am married with kids but so is one of my other sisters.

It was my mum who told me, she was quite upset. Apparently the reason is she wanted her best friend (obviously) and the other friend because she was her bridesmaid last year. She decided on 4 bridesmaids because there are 4 groomsmen. So she had 2 spaces left and 3 sisters. She picked the 2 closest in age to her. It's not a huge age gap, I'm 3 years older than my next sister, sister getting married is 9 years younger than me.

I told my mum it was fine, don't want her worrying about it but I really feel it has marred the whole day for me.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 02/04/2012 14:55

I agree with most, I think YANBU to be a bit upset at this. Like you, I'm a bit of a "It's their wedding, their choices" thinker in general, and had it been she'd just not asked you to be a bridesmaid then I'd say that. But it does seem odd to ask your 2 sisters and not you. I think I'd have to get one of my other sisters to ask her about it, tbh.

BackforGood · 02/04/2012 14:56

x posted

LeeCoakley · 02/04/2012 15:00

But why haven't your other sisters questioned it? What have they said to you?

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 02/04/2012 15:00

My Dsis did this - though not quite as blatant. We are three sisters and she had just one bridesmaid. My other sister. Ok it was small wedding, but really, how hard would it have been to have two? My bro and I were therefore not in the 'wedding party'. It hurt. It really did. And I feel for you. But like you, I put it behind me and accepted that there were reasons and that they were valid and the aim and intention was not to hurt me. You have to try and not let it spoil the day for you and not let it damage your relationship with her. Let it out here and if you are strong and feeling generous enough, let it go then. Hugs though. It's shit.

Proudnscary · 02/04/2012 15:00

YANBU

People get their knickers in such a twist over weddings and am also a 'their wedding, their choice' type, but this really is different.

I think you are going to have to talk to her otherwise this will eat you up alive. She might be really surprised you are upset and ask you to be bridemaid too after all. Worse case scenario you will have a row and she won't understand. But even that is better than feeling secretly hurt and resentful.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5