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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being left out of wedding party?

124 replies

Buttercup2926 · 02/04/2012 14:18

My general rule is to accept whatever other people want for their own weddings, no matter how loopy it is just suck it up and smile.

I am feeling totally pissed off at the moment though about being left out of my sister's wedding party. There are 5 siblings, 4 sisters and a brother. It's my youngest sister who's getting married. Her fiancé is my brother's best friend, that's how they met. So my brother is the best man.

I hadn't given too much thought as to who would be bridesmaid. I thought they were keeping things fairly small and having 2 bridesmaids, so figured she might ask one of her 3 sisters and her best friend. I would have been delighted to have been asked but equally happy if one of my other sisters was asked instead. All 4 of us sisters get along quite well, but we all live in different cities so don't live in each others pockets.

It now transpires that she is having 4 bridesmaids, my other 2 sisters, her best friend, and another friend. To be honest I am feeling really hurt about it and finding it hard to understand. The wedding party are all staying in a hotel the night before the wedding, having dinner etc., so my brother and 3 sisters will all be there while I'll be at home. They'll all be at the top table, etc.

I plan on doing and saying absolutely nothing about it, I will just put on a smile and get on with it. AIBU to just feel really left out and hurt?

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 02/04/2012 15:03

YANBU. I can't believe anyone would do that to a sibling unless there was a huge rift between them. How could she not have known how this would make you feel? I really feel for you.

LeeCoakley · 02/04/2012 15:05

And since when is it the rule to have equal numbers of bridesmaid and groomsmen? 'In my day' [OAP emoticon] we had one best man and up to 10 bridesmaids. I'd have to ask if I was you.

duckdodgers · 02/04/2012 15:06

Why dont you plan on telling her how upset this has made you feel? I agree with proud that it will just eat you up and even if you are not BM then if you talk to your DSis you may feel better. Better that than years of resentment after the wedding is long over.

Yama · 02/04/2012 15:07

Was she your bridesmaid?

Calamityboo · 02/04/2012 15:13

Oh buttercup, yanbu at all, are you close enough to her that you can just ask why. Just a simple hey sis, so why am I the only sibling not in your wedding party, or maybe she has not realised your left out so you could point it out to her. I hope this works out for you.

wineandroses · 02/04/2012 15:51

I think this is really hurtful. I would have to ask the question, or get one of your sisters to ask for you. You say your mum was upset; did she actually discuss it with your sister and point out that you'd be pretty sad to be left out?

If it were me, I would have to let her know how hurt I felt and give her the chance to explain. Otherwise I'm afraid it would fundamentally alter our relationship because I'd think the relationship was actually worth a lot less to her than it was to me, and that she could care less how I felt. So giving her the chance to explain might be the best way forward.

thebody · 02/04/2012 17:19

I feel so sad for u and I would b extremely hurt if this happened to me.

Tbh I wouldn't go to the wedding, total deal breaker for me as she is being incredibly insensitive and stupid.

Can't understand siblings or your mom not giving her a good talking to tbh.

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2012 17:28

I have to say I wouldn't go to the wedding, either. What kind of day would it be, watching everyone else's involvement?

cakeismysaviour · 02/04/2012 17:29

So she chose between her own sisters because she couldn't possibly have a different number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?!

I swear that some people completely take leave of their senses at the mere mention of the word 'wedding'.

YANBU, OP.

cakeismysaviour · 02/04/2012 17:30

Oh and I wouldn't go either, or send a gift.

BlueFergie · 02/04/2012 17:41

YANBU. I would have been extremely hurt if either of my sisters had done this and I don't really go in for weddings at all. At the very least I would have expected her to speak to me first and explain her thinking see and see if it was ok with me.
My mother would also be devestated if one of us was excluded from pre wedding build up/ top table/ wedding party.
I would pull my sisters up on this but we have this sort of relationship. Objectively I know they are closer to each other but they would never exclude me in this manner and would be very concerned if they unintentionally upset me. Which is I am sure what she has done. At least one hopes it was unintentional.

DaisySteiner · 02/04/2012 17:46

YANBU. Not one little bit. I'm not sure there's anything to be done though, she can't undo it now. I guess you have three choices: talk to her about it, go and put on a brave face or don't go at all. Not sure which one I'd choose to be honest. Sad for you.

tanfastic · 02/04/2012 17:48

I'm actually pretty gobsmacked that somebody would do this. I have three sisters and id be extremely hurt if they left me out. I'd say something though. Just something sarcastic just so she got the message. My mum would also have spoken up and told her how ridiculous she was being. You are definitely not being unreasonable op.

Kellamity · 02/04/2012 17:48

I would be gutted Sad

thebody · 02/04/2012 17:53

What will u do buttercup, please post as I actually so upset on your behalf I would love to give your sis a good talking to!

RuleBritannia · 02/04/2012 18:00

If the OP said anything to her sister-bride about being hurt and the sister then invited her to be a bridesmaid or maid on honour, it wouldn't be the same and wouldn't make the OP feel better being an afterthought like that.

Mayisout · 02/04/2012 18:03

Well, not sure I agree about being left out during the wedding.

There is alot of boring standing about as the bridesmaid so no loss there - and the photos can be a real pain and perhaps you can ask to be sat beside someone you really like at meal. Also top table can be a bit staid, others can be much more fun. Is there going to be a child's table so you can relax among adult friends/ rellies.

Maybe Groom had to restrict his numbers to 4 best pals /brothers and so DS had to too. But she could have at least explained or apologised.

Think I might say to her that you are disappointed. Just to see what she says, she might be v sad about it which at least would make you feel better.

fatherchewylouis · 02/04/2012 18:04

I thought you were me for a min. Pretty similar happened to me, sis picked my other two sisters but not me (and included my other sister's children and not mine).

I didn't say anything to a soul about being hurt but I was, so I think it's fair enough that you are but personally I wouldn't say anything because as time has passed it will bother you less but a row over it will linger over your heads far longer.

Try and still enjoy the day (I did)

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 02/04/2012 18:05

I can understand why you're disappointed, but unless there's a history of bad feeling between you, she's probably being thoughtless rather than deliberately hurtful. Rise above it. Not going isn't really an option unless you're prepared to cause a huge rift and make things very uncomfortable for the rest of your family.

TheCraicDealer · 02/04/2012 18:06

I think the "equal groomsmen/bridesmaids" is an American thing. What do groomsmen do anyway? You only need one best man and maybe two ushers, if it's a big do. Silly really. Anyway, she's been incredibly thoughtless, I can't believe the realisation "Buttercup might feel left out" hasn't passed through her mind. It's not just you, it's putting your DM in a very difficult position. I would simply say to her, "So, Mum told me you've picked your bridesmaids", and she how she fills the ensuing awkward silence.

talkingnonsense · 02/04/2012 18:08

I could understand if you were the oldest AN D the only one with a dh and kids- but it seems horrid if your other sisters also have families. Was she your bridesmaid? Is that behind it?

LondonKitty · 02/04/2012 18:11

I'm with everyone else here. It is a terrible story! I know someone with 5 sisters and rather than leave any out, she asked them all to be bridesmaids and didn't ask any of her friends. They understood - weddings are first and foremost about families.
Your mum and other sisters must say something. You need to tell them how you feel and I think it is their responsibility to point out to her what a thoughtless cow she is being. Being a bride doesn't give you a free pass to despotic dictatordom. Effectively excluding you from core events in the wedding and your family life is unforgivable. Angry

chocolateandcoffee · 02/04/2012 18:12

yadnu. I would guess this has been a hot topic in your family for the last few week at least. I know it would be in our house. You sister has made her decision and I would not lower myself to look for a place within the bridal party.

Tbh she dose not sound very nice. I wounder what your other sisters take on this is, again though I would not ask. In families everything come out in the end and I would not be seen to be the one to stir up ill feeling about this. I imagine you mum and possibly one or both of your DSis Have already had words.

Perhaps your sis will ask one of you Dc's to be flower girl or page boy. Wait and see.

Otherwise stick a smile on you face, pretend it dose not bother you and attend her wedding. It will look different in years to come

Fwiw I would be seething inside

RedHotPokers · 02/04/2012 18:12

YANBU
I wouldn't say anything to your sister, but I wouldn't hide your hurt from your mother. Have a vent to your mum - you'll feel better.

marshmallowpies · 02/04/2012 18:23

Even if there was a valid reason for restricting number of bridesmaids, that's no reason not to:

a) give you some other task like doing a reading
b) not making you part of the wedding party the night before.

Surely as a sibling/family member if there is going to be a family gathering the night before the wedding you have a right to be there, regardless of official 'status'?! That would hurt me more than anything, I think.

The family dinner I had with my parents and close family the night before my wedding was one of the nicest evenings I've had in ages. I wouldn't have wanted anyone in my family to miss that for the world and I was so happy the people I cared about most were there.