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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at being left out of wedding party?

124 replies

Buttercup2926 · 02/04/2012 14:18

My general rule is to accept whatever other people want for their own weddings, no matter how loopy it is just suck it up and smile.

I am feeling totally pissed off at the moment though about being left out of my sister's wedding party. There are 5 siblings, 4 sisters and a brother. It's my youngest sister who's getting married. Her fiancé is my brother's best friend, that's how they met. So my brother is the best man.

I hadn't given too much thought as to who would be bridesmaid. I thought they were keeping things fairly small and having 2 bridesmaids, so figured she might ask one of her 3 sisters and her best friend. I would have been delighted to have been asked but equally happy if one of my other sisters was asked instead. All 4 of us sisters get along quite well, but we all live in different cities so don't live in each others pockets.

It now transpires that she is having 4 bridesmaids, my other 2 sisters, her best friend, and another friend. To be honest I am feeling really hurt about it and finding it hard to understand. The wedding party are all staying in a hotel the night before the wedding, having dinner etc., so my brother and 3 sisters will all be there while I'll be at home. They'll all be at the top table, etc.

I plan on doing and saying absolutely nothing about it, I will just put on a smile and get on with it. AIBU to just feel really left out and hurt?

OP posts:

TartyMcFarty · 03/04/2012 08:32

Surely better to have that quiet, civilised discussion before the wedding rather than after, by which time paid for places will have been wasted and will colour the conversation.

HillyWallaby · 03/04/2012 08:36

She wants the equal numbers of male/female attendents so the photos look all symmetrical and the bloody theatrics of the whole thing work out like it's a big stage production, which is a shallow load of old crap compared to needlessly upsetting her poor sister. Gawd, Bridezilla extraordinaire.

Gumby · 03/04/2012 08:38

I reckon your mum will have already told your sister she's out of line

I'd still go to the wedding & have a fab time

HillyWallaby · 03/04/2012 08:41

Well yes, you are right of course Tarty, except I cannot find it in me to care about her precious wasted places, or whether it might spoil her day a tad. she might find herslef having to answer some awkward questions about why her sister is not there.

Actually I don't know who I am kidding - I would never do such a thing - I would suck it up quietly and smile tightly and get on with it, because that is what I am like. But inside I'd be devastated and it would really taint the relationship for me for a long, long time.

HillyWallaby · 03/04/2012 08:42

I don't think I've ever seen a AIBU quite so unanimous!

bagelmonkey · 03/04/2012 08:44

YANBU.
The hurt of being overlooked is already there though, so I don't think that your sister asking you now will make you feel any better.

Gumby · 03/04/2012 08:44

cheshireding surely that was an oversight rather than a deliberate snub?
Maybe the staff forgot to put 9 presents on the table, you know like they might forget a glass or napkin maybe?

TartyMcFarty · 03/04/2012 08:45

OP, have you raised this with your sister yet?

stressheaderic · 03/04/2012 08:56

When is the wedding?
My SIL had her 2 friends as BMs, plus my 1 yo DD as flower girl. They sent DD a lovely card requesting her as BM. I'm the only girl in the family and close to my DB and SIL so thought they might have asked me.

A month later, after some wedding dress shopping had been done by SIL and her 2 BMs, they asked me. I didn't want to accept as didn't like the thought of being an 'afterthought' (and suspected my mum had 'had a word') but did accept so as not to cause a rift and it was all fine but I still wonder why they changed their minds.

helpyourself · 03/04/2012 09:02

Very hurtful.

Ask if you can go along for the pre wedding party. It's wierd she's stuck up on numbers- we had about 8 ushers and I had 3 bridesmaids and a flower girl.

AwkwardMary · 03/04/2012 09:05

WHere' are you BUttercup? I also think this is shocking. I have two sisters and none of us would do such a thing. My Mum would go nuts! We don't always get one but there are certain things you don't do....your sister has bee very mean and hurtful.

I would not go. I would tell her why too.

sayithowitis · 03/04/2012 09:56

This is just plain nasty. Unless there is some backstory to it all, then it seems very mean spirited of your sister to leave you out of all the main wedding party activities. We have been to several family weddings (siblings) where there was no formal role for DH or me (DH has several brothers so the role of best man was always offered to the brother next in age, so they all got a go at that eventually!). But each time, we have always been included in all the main celebrations and events. DH and his 'non best man' brother have always sat at the top table on these occasions, in order to accompany their widowed mother. Me, the SIls and our children have always been seated together near to the top table. That's fine. Because the effort was always made to let us know that even though we weren't in one of the usual roles, we were still regarded as special to them on a personal level.

Should either of my siblings ever get married, I would not expect to be a BM - who wants a near pensioner as a BM! I would also not expect my now adult children to be given a role. But I would be very hurt indeed if the sibling relationship was not acknowledged in any way and we were completely excluded from any of the wedding party activities. It would call into question my whole understanding of our relationship and I would find it very hard to go and 'have a good time' as some have suggested. How does one have a good time when you have been so deliberately pushed to the periphery? Not sure I could do it actually. I think I would be making plans of my own for that day.

for you OP.

Queenofcake · 03/04/2012 10:16

I would be guttedif my sister did this to me.

I expect she is caught up in the bridezilla mode and not really thought this through properly. I wonder if someone pointed out to her what this actually means with regards to you being singled out and "different" to the rest of your siblings on the day, whether she may actaully be shocked and reconsider. She probably has not thought past the symmetrical photos atm.

I would probably suck it up and go even if nothing changes because thats the "grown up" thing to do but Iit would mar the run up and the whole day.

I am not ine to usually care much what others think but i would also be a bit pissed off that on the actual wedding day, that other guests (grooms family for instance) may not even know I was her sister or silently wonder why I was the "dodgy" sister not sat away from the rest of the siblings . I know I would go but probably with a heavy heart and not enjoy it much - despite trying to put a smile on and just get on with it.

I do think that ideally this needs to be mentioned to your sister soon because I actually think the resentment is just going to build and build in the run up to the wedding when your family are all discussing dress fittings, who is travelling in what car etc etc. Every family occassion between now and the wedding is going to have this wedding as the hot topic - its going to be hard to avoid and you are going to have be an absolute saint if no one picks up your hurt or (unblamed) resentment before the big day.

I really feel for you.

Sewilma · 03/04/2012 10:16

This happened to me to. My younger sister and I were close since children, I guided her through her teenage years, helped her out with money, was really there for her then she had PND. I helped organised her hen do, details of the wedding, you get the gist..

She said she wasn't going to have any bridesmaids then on the morning of the wedding I found out that her DP's sister was to be her ONLY bridesmaid! I was so upset and really hurt. I spoke to my DM who just said that it was her wedding and that the DP's sister has "really been there for her". My DM then went and told my DSis who launched into a speech about how she was not going to be made to feel guilty for her choices!

Our other DSis was livid that I was not asked (they weren't close so she wasn't expecting to be part of the wedding) and I had to ask her not to say anything.

In the end, I joined in, made the day as nice as I could so I couldn't be accused of ruining her day then I stepped back from her life and let her get on with it. Now I don't speak to my DM or my DSis and my life is much happier for it. In fact, I found out that my "D"Sis had been exchanging emails with my "D"Bro saying awful things about my DS's appearance (he has a slight squint).

I sometimes think weddings bring out people's true colours. Yes, a wedding is your day and you have the wedding you want but it doesn't give you license to upset people and excuse horrible treatment of people.

Oho · 03/04/2012 10:23

I think you need to have a chat with your sister as soon as you can. Not a big confrontation, but just let her know how this is making you feel and let her explain her decision. Don't do it through your mum.

I think it would be terribly sad to miss out on the actual wedding because of this and I am very surprised that people are suggesting that. Yes, you're hurt, but surely it would be much better to make an attempt at sorting things out? Family feuds often begin because of simmering resentment and lack of conversation.

iscream · 03/04/2012 10:27

Yanbu to be hurt. Your sister is very thoughtless. I hope she reads this thread and has her eyes opened to how this looks and how it has hurt you. If I were her I would have asked all sister even if it meant not having the bf's or added another groomsman and had everyone.

CountryMouse27 · 03/04/2012 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LargeSkimMochaPlease · 03/04/2012 10:59

Oh you must go to the wedding. I am sure that she means you to come to the dinner too but hasn't yet thought it through. If not - it's your family - simply invite yourself. As for the bridesmaid bit - well - I'm so sorry, it's horrible, but the plus side is that you can wear what you like.

thereistheball · 03/04/2012 12:46

YANBU, but I do think you can do something about this, nicely. Perhaps say along the lines of: I can see that it makes sense to have 4 bridesmaids (even if you can't) but I'd really like to be involved in some way. Can I come along beforehand with a bottle of champagne to help you get ready/ do a reading/ help organise the favours or whatever. That might be the prompt she needs to think about the effect of leaving you out. Don't allow this to fester or you'll just end up feeling resentful - you can turn this around so you get to be involved and feel good about yourself for rising above the insult.

Frontpaw · 03/04/2012 14:14

The dresses will probably be god-awful. I wouls be mightily pissed off if it was me.

She has probably not really given it much thought beyond "yes, 4 grooms (what the hell do you need 4 for? Not in my day...) So we need 4 bridesmaids so it all looks pretty and all neat for the photos, and they can all stand on the steps of the church, either side like they do on the telly... Bla bla bla'. I suppose she hasn't even thought of who sits where of if there is a pre-match dinner, who is invited to that.

Your mum really ought to have had a word as it really is so pathetic. Is the the youngest/most spoiled of the children?

Try to find the humour in it, or she may be walking down the aisle with a shiner! But that's for another thread...

Have a word. Tell her that you feel pretty excluded, it is a shitty thing to do and you'd quite like an explaination really. And not a last minute 'oh - we are saving the best job for you! Err err... You need to look after great great aunt Doris who is coming out of the home for the bewildered for the day'.

OneLastSoul · 03/04/2012 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agincourt · 03/04/2012 14:18

if you usually get on well, can you not talk to her about it?

You are not bein unreasonable to be upset though

Frontpaw · 03/04/2012 14:22

The dresses will probably be god-awful. I wouls be mightily pissed off if it was me.

Your mum really ought to have had a word as it really is so pathetic. Is the the youngest/most spoiled of the children?

Try to find the humour in it, or she may be walking down the aisle with a shiner! But that's for another thread...

Have a word. Tell her that you feel pretty excluded, it is a shitty thing to do and you'd quite like an explaination really. And not a last minute 'oh - we are saving the very best job for you! Err err... You need to look after great great aunt Doris who is coming out of the home for the bewildered for the day'.

Triphid · 03/04/2012 19:12

I was excluded from the top table when my DB married - the only member of the family who was. It did hurt at the time, but naively I thought maybe it was normal and did my best to try and forget about it. But now in hindsight, a number of years later, I realise what a snub it was. I have no doubt they knew exactly what they were doing.

OP, I really feel for you. Weddings are family events and don't happen often which makes it all the harder. It's the one day you really want to be close together with your family (assuming you all get on, which it sounds like you do).

I think your sister has already done a lot of damage, but she also has the ability to turn it all around. Do you think it likely that she would make a concerted effort to do so if it was raised with her?

DartsAgain · 03/04/2012 19:17

At least the OP's sister is going to get her wedding talked about all right, just for all the wrong reasons...........

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