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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at being left out of wedding party?

124 replies

Buttercup2926 · 02/04/2012 14:18

My general rule is to accept whatever other people want for their own weddings, no matter how loopy it is just suck it up and smile.

I am feeling totally pissed off at the moment though about being left out of my sister's wedding party. There are 5 siblings, 4 sisters and a brother. It's my youngest sister who's getting married. Her fiancé is my brother's best friend, that's how they met. So my brother is the best man.

I hadn't given too much thought as to who would be bridesmaid. I thought they were keeping things fairly small and having 2 bridesmaids, so figured she might ask one of her 3 sisters and her best friend. I would have been delighted to have been asked but equally happy if one of my other sisters was asked instead. All 4 of us sisters get along quite well, but we all live in different cities so don't live in each others pockets.

It now transpires that she is having 4 bridesmaids, my other 2 sisters, her best friend, and another friend. To be honest I am feeling really hurt about it and finding it hard to understand. The wedding party are all staying in a hotel the night before the wedding, having dinner etc., so my brother and 3 sisters will all be there while I'll be at home. They'll all be at the top table, etc.

I plan on doing and saying absolutely nothing about it, I will just put on a smile and get on with it. AIBU to just feel really left out and hurt?

OP posts:

ohdoone · 02/04/2012 18:26

Similar situation happened to me. SIL asked my sis to be BM and my sis asked if I was being BM as well. SIL said no and therefore my sis declined the invite. Even as adults certain situations quite simply need to be fair to keep everyone happy.

HillyWallaby · 02/04/2012 18:30

Blimey. That's a bit rough. I don't blame you for being hurt. How thoughtless of her.

Mayisout · 02/04/2012 18:31

Perhaps you can join the dinner the night before. Get your Mum to ask. If it is all family then you will fit in fine. She may not even have thought about this part of it.

gettingeasier · 02/04/2012 18:33

What a shame but I agree with poster upthread dont say anything just rise above it and try and enjoy the day if you can but YANBU to feel upset

HillyWallaby · 02/04/2012 18:33

But Something in your case there were two siblings left out and only one chosen, so although it probably felt tough for you being the sister that wasn't chosen, at least you were not the only sibling on the shelf, and there were more left out than were picked IYSWIM! Poor old OP.

mrswoodentop · 02/04/2012 18:35

Has she realised the implications for the dinner ,she's probably so caught up in her "symmetrical wedding" that someone needs to point out that the night before there will be her whole family bar one.This is a public snub is that what she wants?I bet she hasn't thought about that bit,brides can be very tunnel visioned

doctordwt · 02/04/2012 18:36

Re-reading, I think it would be appropriate to say something.

Simply ask how it will work for you, as you are the only member of the immediate family not in the wedding party. Are you invited to the family dinner the night before, or not? As the rest of the family are in the wedding party and will therefore be on the top table automatically, what will happen for you - will you be the only member of the immediate family sat with other guests?

Those are fair questions and you may find that she is assuming you will be at the dinner and even on the top table - it isn't clear from your OP whether you are just assuming you won't be or if this has been made clear. All this may have escaped her notice - she may just be thinking that although you aren't officially 'doing' anything, you'll be included in everything else iyswim?

I don't think it's making a fuss- your mum, for example, must be feeling that it'll cast a shadow on the day for her too. I wouldn't want to be at a dinner the night before celebrating with one of my children left out. Incidentally - think of it that way and don't stop your mum saying something if she wants to!

Who is doing the readings, incidentally? That would have been an obvious way to include you, I'd be interested to know whether she's looked further outside the family for that, before asking you...

HillyWallaby · 02/04/2012 18:39

Er. hello? Since when have we gone all Americanified and had a family/wedding party dinner the night before, hmm? And groomsmen. WTF? You lot have been watching too much telly.

I bet you had the whole family turn up for the rehearsal as well, didn't you. Eh? And a shower?

Bue · 02/04/2012 18:40

I can't even believe this, I feel so sad for you OP :( Surely your mother and other sisters will say something to her? I really think someone needs to say something because this is pretty shocking.

prettyfly1 · 02/04/2012 18:59

God I cant abide my sister and even I wouldnt consider this sort of behaviour - really hurtful and very mean. Rise above it but YADNBU.

LondonKitty · 02/04/2012 19:01

Show her this thread!!!

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2012 19:24

Oh I bet the bride thinks the OP can mind the other sister's children during the meal!

thebody · 02/04/2012 19:34

Can't get over this on your behalf, if one of my kids acted this way to a sibling she would get short shift from me. I am guessing your sis is the spoilt cow of the family. Sorry to b rude but that's how she sounds and maybe that's why your mom and sisters are not correcting her.

smoggii · 02/04/2012 19:45

Moan to your mum, get her to give your sister a clip round the ear and tell her to put it right.

She either needs to have you as BM too or she needs to have the decency to call you, explain the reasons why she hasn't, give you a reading to do, and buy you a nice little gift on the day to apologise for being such a shit sister!

CheshireDing · 02/04/2012 19:55

How mean of your Sister.

I went to a friends wedding a couple of years ago, I was on a table of about 8 people and everyone had a gift to open except me. The gifts were crap anyway (bottle opener etc) but it still offends me now.

I cannot really understand how come your Mum is not saying anything to your Sister.

Feel for you though, it's one of those where you want the person to know how you feel but it needs to come independently from someone else (who has noticed and thinks it unfair). In this case your Mum.

LaCiccolina · 02/04/2012 19:56

Sorry but may I ask why you cannot just book a coffee or a call with her and speak to her directly about it?

I realise you are upset and I really see why. I would be hurt to if you. I just wonder if going through your mum is a bit unfair also. It might put her back up? By all means put a hint of something through your mum to her but take any issues up directly is my best advice. And yes, I think you should clear the air before the day. A long day with stress and alcohol will not a happy wedding make. You need to mean it when you say she looks pretty in the frock for starters......

redwineformethanks · 02/04/2012 20:01

Ah bless, you're getting lots of sympathy on this thread. Unusual for AIBU........

I don't think I would raise it, I wouldn't want to beg to be a bridesmaid. Perhaps ask if you could do a reading though?

diddlybop · 02/04/2012 20:11

YANBU. I only have one brother. His wife has one sister. She had her sister and her friend as bms. Not me. I was really upset but kept quiet. As it turns out, we (me & DH) were included in everything. We were even on the top table and her friend was just on a normal table.

Talk to her.

landofsoapandglory · 02/04/2012 20:20

YANBU.

My Sis didn't want to be my BM, her 2 DDs were. Even up until the day before I said she could change her mind but she didn't want to so that was that. She got married last year, she didn't ask me to be BM. She had her 2 DDs and the DD of a not very close friend. I was, and still am, quite hurt. I wasn't invited to the Hen weekend, she had another Hen day at a Spa, I wasn't invited to that either. I was good enough to watch the little kids while the photos were being taken etc, but not for anything else.

Around the time of the wedding I was due major surgery, with hindsight I wish I had had it done that week and not bothered going. Like my Auntie said at the time "Who treats their Sister like that?"

paddyclamp · 02/04/2012 20:35

I'd be gutted...has your mum not said anything to her? There's no way i'd be able to put a brave face on....no need to fall out with her but i'd definitely ask her why

Gentleness · 02/04/2012 20:52

YANBU - people can be so blinkered arranging weddings and lose track of little details like family love and so on.

We had a similar situation - my DB had my 2DBs as joint best men, a load of his friends as ushers (about 6) and SIL had 2 bridesmaids (long-term friends - I wasn't asked but wouldn't have said yes!). For some reason he "just didn't think" of asking DH to be an usher so as fas as I was concerned we weren't in the wedding party. I was really upset as he'd not made it clear or I'd just assumed DH would have a role. Parents were upset, talked to him about it a fortnight before but he said it was too late to sort out about the suits. So THAT was embarrassing.

But, the relevant bit, not only was I upset, but I was embarrassed all day. There were all my family involved in the wedding and me standing on the edges ranking as an acquaintance. I had sympathetic remarks from old friends so it must have been obvious though I mostly did a pretty good job of acting ok about it all. I did have a spurt of temper at one point as they were calling (again!) for the wedding party for a photo and one of the ushers came to find us to say we'd been called - I retorted, "We're not part of the wedding party!" and he was pretty embarrassed and said he thought we were. I regret that on his behalf, but to this day I don't know what they intended for us, and it has marred relations between us ever since, though it is a somewhat complex situation anyway. My whole family were at the top table and we were off to one side. Can you tell I still have a huge sense of being excluded & rejected?!

SO - I would say something, whether it is about the specifics or seating and the night before or cutting straight to it and asking how she thinks you feel about being left out like that.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/04/2012 20:59

Is your sister usually a nasty person?
If so, just leave it and put it in your mental list of her general nastiness.

If she is not nasty, ask the questions below about how it is going to work, if you are the only family member not invited for the dinner the night before and the only family member not at the top table, etc. And where you are supposed to sit.

To be honest, if it was me, I would politely decline the invitation. Go away on a weekend trip. Or something. I would not be able to handle the humiliation.

HillyWallaby · 03/04/2012 08:27

diddlybop I can understand why your SIL did not pick you though. She has her own sister, and a best friend. I don't think it's disrespectful or selfish of the bride to keep her BM choices small and select and meaningful to HER and I don't think you should feel an automatic right to be BM just because the groom is your brother, although I appreciate you felt hurt and disappointed, which is sad.

But the OP's sister has blatantly left out her own sibling when the other three are all included! It's just nasty.

HillyWallaby · 03/04/2012 08:29

I might be inclined to do the same Quint. Although I might not bother declining in advance as it looks a bit flouncy and attention seeking and would cause a row before the big day. Better to just quietly not turn up. i wonder how long it would take the bride to even notice? Then have a quiet, civilised discussion about it afterwards.

MarieFromStMoritz · 03/04/2012 08:30

How utterly hurtful. I would be tempted not to go at all.

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