To find it irritating when people moan about wedding "stress"

[CaramelisedOnion]

It seems to me that people getting married should be a joyful thing for them. While I appreciate that organising big events can be stressful - when I read (mostly on a different parenting forum!) about women saying they are "near to tears" with respect to dresses/canapes/flowers it makes my blood boil. They are getting married! They have a partner who loves them, they are going to have a celebration of that.

Fucking bridezillas

I wanted a small do. Others disagreed ...... We got an uneasy compromise - nice small wedding day with restaurant meal. Fecking big party next day to satisfy everyone

I wish we'd gone off and one it on our own with a couple of witness

Anything that involves planning a small/medium/large scale event where family are involved is stressful. I've seen friends throw up with wedding stress. I've seen friends cry with christening stress. I've seen people nearly divorce over 40th birthday party stress!

The common denominator is family thinking they can stick their oar in!

I found planning my wedding very stressful as my mother was a total nightmare. Had i let her decide every little thing for the day it might have been ok but I just didn't see why she should have control over everything. She is a very difficult person anyway though and can cause stress where there really isn't any!

Having said that I agree with you in a way because looking back I think 'who cares if the cake was totally different to what we ordered, we just ate it anyway' etc. All those little details really don't matter at the end of the day, what matters is that you've gotten married.

If I did it again I'd book the registry office, go to the pub after and probably not invite my parents!

I found my wedding planning stressful. Parents / PIL very keen on telling me what I was doing wrong regarding location/venues/guests, and all of their concerns about the day. Nobody was really interested in offering practical support including OH.

In the end guests said I'd organised our small celebration very well and they had a great time. Although I had a nice day I don't think it was worth the stress and if I did it again I'd go to the registry office.

My brother did this (prob because he and wife-to-be were pretty idle and self-centred) but my mother was v hurt

Or very sensibe in my book. Booking a quiet, small-scale and modestly priced wedding seems a hell of a lot less selfish than demanding than asking parents to subsidise a re-run of Peter Andre and Jordan's nuptuals.

But there is a centre ground between 2 tramps as witnesses and a reenactment of a royal wedding. That's where most people go and it's not a reflection on how devoted you are to the other person. There's no inverse relationship between the size of the wedding and the amount of genuine affection, despite what MN thinks. Some people have big weddings because they like them, or because Big Weddings are common in their culture (news alert - not everyone is British. My friend had a "small" Indian wedding - 250 guests) or they have a huge huge family and they like them and want everyone there.

My stresses (at the moment, 8 weeks to go) originate from:

• work (that's about 95% of the stress TBH) which is an ongoing, never ending source of pain and frustration, and then add onto that ....
• random and ONGOING and completely stupid questions from family members. I swear, it's like we announced our engagement and they lost the ability to make decisions for themselves
• bureaucracy (I personally blame the French government. They're bastards for bureaucracy). Thank FARKING goodness my parents had the presence of mind a few years back to get three copies of my birth certificate, because I actually need all of them at the moment. Bizarrely.

Lots of people have already said it better than me...but yes, if the stress is being caused by unreasonable/bitchy/feuding/demanding relatives then it really isn't the fault of the bride/groom and they should have our sympathy not our blame!

My family were all lovely about my wedding, DM and DMIL both got involved with helping and everyone praised their work to the skies (Mum made the favours, MIL did the flowers) and it meant I had a much freer rein with making decisions about other stuff knowing that they both had charge of specific things.

I am not someone who feels comfortable going shopping with others so did my wedding dress shopping alone - did feel a bit guilty I wasn't inviting DM/DMIL along, but I did consult Mum on shoes/jewellery and other stuff, and I went dress shopping with her for her outfit, so I hope that balances things out a bit.

I have friends who've been caused stress by even the most well-meaning of relatives during wedding planning, so I know it's not always done out of malice or unpleasantness. I am just so relieved not to have had to deal with any of that myself.

thefurryone - I didn't say I can't understand why people have their wedding photos up, it just kind of catches me unawares at other peoples' houses because we didn't have an official photographer and so it didn't occur to me to put any photos up. I don't have many photos up around the place anyway so it's clearly just me! And no, I don't think my love is sooo much more sincere than everyone else's just because I had a small wedding.

My wedding was because my mum was dying and at a very late stage we had to bring it forward 2 weeks just so she could attend.

I had a lovely day and it wasn't stressful but probably only because I had my mind on another more imminent upsetting event approaching. I remember my mum being sad too because she said she had spoilt my day by looking so ill in all the photo's

but at least she was there.

I think YAB a bit U. Weddings are stressful as families have so much expectation of a big event like that, and there are bound to be clashes over certain things if there is more than a couple of people involved, unless you run off and get married quietly.

The only thing that would stress me out about a wedding is the thought I would have to do all that again!

Actually, the day itself is great, it's a pity it's all the way downhill from there....

When I was getting married we found out my dad had cancer. After a lot of talking with my OH we decided the best thing to do was continue with the wedding as planned and hope for the best. We didn't at the time know he was terminal because he chose to keep that from us. At one point we ended up planning 2 separate weddings, one an intimate immediate family affair only that was hopefully to make things as easy and accessible for my dad as possible - the best we could come up with when faced with his declining health issues, the other the original wedding we had planned. He died 2 weeks before our ceremony. Of course we also had all the normal family issues that every other bride seems to go through as well. My sister kicked off 3 weeks before the ceremony saying how she hated my OH and wouldn't be there at the wedding, family feuds involving both sides then ensued whilst me and OH tried to keep things calm and stable. There were also the normal issues or people trying to dictate and control throughout the whole thing - including MIL giving brochures to OH behind my back because she wanted the reception venue changed and things like that. I don't think anyone escapes unscathed.

We're now planning our 3rd wedding. It has been the simplest one we've planned to date, no wedding rings, no decorations etc. A simple ceremony followed by food in a pub. People have still managed to get hurt feelings over it and come up with grievances though - even considering everything that happened last time. It's now my firm belief that family fights and excessive stress is one of the inevitabilities of a wedding. If I could do it all again I wouldn't have a wedding. The only reason we're having this one (besides wanting to be married) is knowing how much stick we would get if we both ran off and eloped - which is what we want to do.

Suffice is to say, I think you're being extremely unreasonable. Weddings are enormously stressful. You're right when you say weddings should be joyful, but that doesn't they are. Be it uncontrollable circumstances like my dad, or just family or friends trying to meddle. Weddings are made into horrible affairs (unless you're one of the lucky ones, who seem to have family friends who will actually support you and care about what you want). It's a real shame.

thing is, it can be genuinely difficult to do a small wedding if you have 20 people in your combined immediate families (not hard with step families) and you want to invite people who have known you and supported you through school, uni, a divorce, a remarriage, children coming along etc all of who you feel are genuinely very very good friends. We can't get our list down to less than 80odd plus children without leaving out people we really want. There is no-one on the list as a "should" be invited. 80 people = expense and organisational hassle. Not over napkin colours and cake ribbon but just generally trying to sort out the basics. As others have said, its usually other people who create the problems that the bride then has to deal with.

In fairness I think what the OP is referring to is not how actually (un)stressfull a wedding can be (god dont I know it!) but how frustrating it is for friends to complain how "near to tears" and traumatic it becomes for them.

I had a lovely wedding, a few things went wrong, but I was happy and glad to be marrying the man of my dreams.

Some of the very sad stories on here about ill health and loss within the family at the time of your weddings is sad and stressfull. Not what colour the flowers ended up or who moved their name place. For this I agree with the OP.

So Dizzy did you end up cancelling both your earlier weddings or is the 3rd one you're planning a celebration/party of a wedding that already happened?

Can't believe other family members would interfere with things like the venue when you already had so much on your plate. So very sorry about your dad.

Of course, the other bit of 'wedding stress' which a couple of posters have touched on is the interference by other third parties that's completely beyond your control (like the church being half knocked down the day before - how can they not have informed you this would be happening?), DJs/photographers that take a deposit but don't show up on the day, or on one wedding blog I read recently, a venue that cancelled, not because of a double booking, but because it was a community/charitable trust funded hall was losing its funding and going bust.

The wedding blogger was obviously distraught to lose her venue but when she realised the woman who was ringing her to tell her the news had just heard she'd lost her job at the venue, it put things in perspective a bit - they both ended up crying down the phone to each other and I think the thought of being put into an awful situation like that, knowing the people involved are also going through a bad time, makes the wrong colour chair covers or stress over table plans seem a tad frivolous.

My mother was the pain in the butt when I got married (25 years ago)

She wanted to control everything, problem not helped by fact I was getting married in my "home" town 250 miles from where DH and I lived. She even went out and bought yards and yards of HIDEOUS fabric for bridesmaids dresses and got my Aunty to make the dresses....my sister (who had to wear one) and I have just about forgiven her.

If I was getting married again I would not involve my Mother, she would just get to swan around on the day but have no involvement in teh planning.

We cancelled both of the earlier weddings. We decided to get married this year as we're currently expecting DC1 and knew that if we didn't get married before there'd be no way we could get married for a long long time after. It was quite a hard decision to make, and so it really upsets me that people are still finding reasons to get upset this time around too.

YABU. Your last two words say it all. Is there nothing that women are not to blame for? Maybe a couple are having a large wedding not because the woman is an egomaniac and wants to be looked at by 100 people but because they love their family and friends and want to include them, and love their parents and want to include the people that they want invited.
Maybe that couple still love their family when, inevitably, some of them start behaving like arseholes. I wanted to run off to Gretna Green several times during my wedding plans but, actually, I thought it might be rather selfish when my MIL was so very excited about bringing her family together to see her only son get married. Especially as she wasn't the one making unreasonable demands. I'm glad I went through with my big, stressful wedding and if I ever moaned to my friends I hope they didn't mind, what with them being my friends and all. MIL still talks about what a lovely day she had.

We get married in seven weeks,4oo miles away from home. It will be registry office,photos on beach and pub lunch. DD wil be bridesmaid and we have only invited parents (luckily dps divorced parents and partners all get on). I think the difference is we have told them how we expect our wedding to be then there is no room for anybody to have their own ideas about how it will be. Only stress I have is Ive noticed my "something blue" knickers show through my wedding dress!

Suburbandream I find it quite sad that you think it's a bit odd for people to have wedding photos up in their house. Don't you think it's nice for people to want a memory of a happy day to look at?

DF has a large family (lots of halfs and steps, everyone with plenty of children). His side works out at 70 people, just close friends and family.

I'd whittled my side down to thirty and decided not to invite my cousins etc in the day, saw his list and just thought screw it! So we are having a big wedding...

However we are paying for it ourselves so don't really have to appease anyone else (my mother and mil are both very laid back types anyway) and we have made it clear that anyone who is planning to moan all night or bitch about the food, venue, other guests etc should just stay at home because we don't want to hear it. Voila, no stress!

CailinDana - I don't think its odd that people have photos up, I think it's perfectly lovely but as I thought I'd already explained, it never occurred to me to put any of my own up, especially as we didn't have a professional photographer! clearly it's me that's odd

row ohhh I can solve your wedding problem too!

Put giant opaque white granny knickers on over the blue ones....