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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it irritating when people moan about wedding "stress"

125 replies

CaramelisedOnion · 02/04/2012 10:47

It seems to me that people getting married should be a joyful thing for them. While I appreciate that organising big events can be stressful - when I read (mostly on a different parenting forum!) about women saying they are "near to tears" with respect to dresses/canapes/flowers it makes my blood boil. They are getting married! They have a partner who loves them, they are going to have a celebration of that.

Fucking bridezillas Angry

OP posts:
YonWhaleFish · 02/04/2012 13:45

And thinking of it, my friend had decided not to invite certain relatives, and somehow, BEFORE the invitations had gone out, a family member came round and demanded to know why said people weren't invited! Shock

entropygirl · 02/04/2012 13:45

The main problem is one of taking on other people's responsibilities....eg travel and hotels etc.

For me that was the guests issue to deal with. Come or don't but if you are coming then sort yourself somewhere to stay. None of my business.

Again with dresses and stuff. I did 'if you will be my bridesmaid then this is what you will be wearing'. All agreed before anyone said yes or no. Same with suits...'if you want to be part of the suit hire then it will be this suit and this tie' everyone is free to opt in or out.

Only two things got interfered with

one: my parents added a handful of names to the guest list (people I would have wanted but had forgotten to ask)

two: my dad hired a car to get me to the church (I had decided this was unnecessary ostentation - although I loved that he had done it)

I suppose maybe this makes me the biggest bridezilla of all...but really it was just a case of 'I have done this stuff - if you want other stuff doing then do it yourself'.

YonWhaleFish · 02/04/2012 13:45

To her wedding, not mine! Grin

AbsofAwesomeness · 02/04/2012 13:49

Or flowergirl dress shopping (I had had about three hours sleep the night before and travelled a long way to do this). Poor niece tried on fifteen dresses - we found one we both liked and she felt comfortable in (and she looks fabulous, but I am biased). SIL gets involved and insists that I don't buy the dress then and there (I never got why, but wasn't up for a fight) so I am now running around and trying to find it in the right size, and the stupid company only periodically has it on their website. And, me again, chilled out bride "let DN get whatever shoes she likes - as long as they go with the dress it's fine" SIL "she wants to know if she can get shoes with a heel" "YES" "Is 1 inch too high?" "If she can wear them, it's fine. Whatever she wants" not taking into account the emails and phone calls about my bloody SIL's outfits. And they're just guests. I'm losing the will to live on having to opine on that many clothes.

Also, RL doesn't stop when you're getting married, so I still have all the work stress (more actually at the moment as my boss is out for a few weeks and I'm covering his work), and normal day to day harassment.

I will stop venting soon Blush

entropygirl · 02/04/2012 13:50

oh and if this wasn't clear before, NEVER HIRE A PHOTOGRAPHER.

There is no surer way to make sure that you have tonnes of photos of a day you didn't actually get time to enjoy.

You can always have portraits done in your wedding dress some other time when you aren't actually missing out on your big day!

Life is for living not for capturing for facebook.

entropygirl · 02/04/2012 13:52

abs I think you really need to have a boundaries discussion with you SIL.

Make a list:

These things are my problem (paying for dress maybe)

These things are your problem (finding the shoes, getting her own outfit)

Then tell her you do not wish to be consulted further on her list and will not judge or be upset by any decision she makes on her list.

entropygirl · 02/04/2012 13:54

Erect a powerful Somebody Else's Problem field and then hide behind it.

Hammy02 · 02/04/2012 13:56

Entropy, we hired a photographer but didn't spend that long having photos done. Maybe 45 mins - spread across a few hours. I had a small wedding mind (24 people) so that may have made a difference. I agree with your sentiment of living life rather than photographing everything.

thefurryone · 02/04/2012 13:58

suburbandream seriously, you don't understand why people keep photos of their wedding day up?

What I don't understand is why people who had small weddings keep banging on about how much more sincere their love is than those that had big weddings.

AutumnSummers · 02/04/2012 14:01

YABU.

I was never stressed about my own wedding but I can completely empathise with those who've had a lot of hiccups. All the small things tied-in can make things seem worse than they are. Add to that the obvious emotional connotations of it being your WEDDING and you have the perfect recipe for tears and stress. I fail to see why you would not aknowledge this.

entropygirl · 02/04/2012 14:07

I should perhaps clarify that I do have photos from my wedding day that guests took whenever they felt like it and sent on to me. Some of these I even have up round the house...

I am pretty sure there is no correlation between size of wedding and sincerity of love.

I am pretty sure there is a direct correlation between amount of money on the line and stress....

supernannyisace · 02/04/2012 14:11

YABU - it can be a very stressful time. Most people hope to only have to organise one wedding - so have to get it just right.

Having married fairly recently I can still remember all the little things that got me wound up on a daily basis.

Just little things - but they do add up.

I do agree though that afterwards it doesn't matter a jot.

I will be prepared next time ha ha ha!!

thefurryone · 02/04/2012 14:12

I could have spent 10p on my wedding wouldn't have stopped my mother related wedding stress (would probably have increased it because I was spending 10p Grin)

Sudaname · 02/04/2012 14:12

I too cancelled my 'full shebang' wedding - church - big wedding breakfast the lot because of all the politics of who sits where and if 'she comes I'm not coming ' and 'if you invite them you have to invite so and so' and blah bloody blah.

Instead ended up taking off one day and getting married in a lovely registry office and just taking a couple of friends with us. We then walked to the nearest pub in all our wedding attire - the landlord gave us our first drinks on the house and then walked back to the nearby hotel we were staying in and had an evening meal.

It was just like a lovely day out really (well stayed overnight aswell ) except we were wearing fancy frocks and suits etc. I did miss however not having a night 'do' so we had a belated one of those which was very relaxed as whatever went wrong we would still be married at end of itGrin- and I got to wear my dress again. Also we invited world and his wife to that as was only a buffet type affair so very easily organised.

The relatives have all just about forgiven us too which is a bonus - I think Hmm

JosieZ · 02/04/2012 14:14

abs I think you really need to have a boundaries discussion with you SIL.

All very well in theory but you don't want the event marred by a family fall-out.

Two nieces fell out big time. Should one come/neither come/will they behave well on the day. Who is fetching and returning elderly rellies home, will they need help to get dressed and help out then back into their house. Who is picking up who from the airport. Where is there a cheaper hotel? How is everyone getting to and from hotels. Will the minibus be big enough. In theory this can be delegated but if the delegatee doesn't know who in laws are/ how healthy they are etc etc it's a bit of a stress. God forbid someone should miss the ceremony because noone came for them - and so it goes on.

Probably everything goes fine on the day but the lead up is a bit stressful.

ReactionaryFish · 02/04/2012 14:15

If you want a big do with all the fuss and palaver that goes with that, fine; but there should be no obligation placed on couples to do this, by families or wider society.DH and I had a v traditional wedding in some ways (church) but wanted to focus on entertaining our guests; food, booze and music we splurged on, but we jettisoned the whole photgrapher/wedding car/ fancy dress thing. The pressure that was applied by my silly mother over this was the only cause of stress. "oh you have to have a photographer/wedding car/ white dress etc". no you fucking don't

thefurryone · 02/04/2012 14:16

Sorry meant to add I don't think that there is a correlation between wedding size and love either, but these type of threads always seem to bring out that view amongst some posters.

Although admittedly we haven't yet had any stories about the bride who spent two years planning her £50,000 wedding, constantly stressing about table decorations and bridesmaids underwear, who then ran off with a waiter on honeymoon.

BackforGood · 02/04/2012 14:16

What SmallClanger said on P2.
Some people fret about the daftest of things.
Some people take on theings that really aren't their responsibility (like travel and accomodation for guests).
Some people are better at delegating, or relinquishing responsibility to others.
Some of us trust the people who are doing this job, or that job to do the job well, all on their own, without anyone breathing down their necks, but other people want to control the most miniscule of details. That way stress would lie.

Sudaname · 02/04/2012 14:20

No Entropy we didnt have a photographer either just got the memory sticks off our friends and from our camera - registrars etc took some on ours - it's very easy to find a volunteer to take a pic on a happy occasion I find and we just picked out the best ones and a bit of editing /cropping etc and we have lots of good quality pictures for display or album.

ArosstheUniverse · 02/04/2012 14:21

We had a small, informal wedding. I had wanted to elope and still wish we had as people still managed to annoy me, even without the bother pf seating plans, bridesmaid dresses etc. I don't look back on the day fondly at all to be honest.

BaronessOrczy · 02/04/2012 14:21

You have clearly not met my mother.

YABU.

LoveHandles88 · 02/04/2012 14:24

I would suggest to anyone getting married that they do it abroad, with a couple of good friends for witnesses etc. Organise a 'reception' for when you're back, as a nice surprise for anyone that wants to celebrate with you.
Wedding and honeymoon in one. Absolutely wish we'd done this!

AbsofAwesomeness · 02/04/2012 14:25

And some of us have tons of stuff foisted on them by other people. It would be fine if it was just one SIL asking questions every two minutes about what she should wear, and DN should wear (though hopefully I've batted her off for about a week, and told her I can't find part of my niece's outfit her, so she can sort it out). BUT - it's SIL, and other SIL, and my mother, and two bridesmaids constantly asking questions. And it's not like I'm super strict and going "You HAVE to have a dress the colour of the sky on a bright summer's DAY OR ELSE I WILL KILL YOU and a summer's day in AUGUST NOT JUNE you neanderthal", I've left it up to them pretty much and keep on reminding them that I've left it up to them, but still - the constant questions.

Maybe it's just my family. They're nuts.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 14:27

Although admittedly we haven't yet had any stories about the bride who spent two years planning her £50,000 wedding, constantly stressing about table decorations and bridesmaids underwear, who then ran off with a waiter on honeymoon.

I know one about the bride who only spent £6.50 on her wedding, and she had a McDonald's afterwards, and they drew pictures of each other on napkins rather than hire a photographer, and they looked at a picture of a cake in a bakery window instead of buying one, and she then ran off with the driver of the night bus home. So there.

EnjoyResponsibly · 02/04/2012 14:29

Wedding for 150 here. No stress really until the day before when the Church undertook major rebuilding works. No roof, blue tarpaulin, security builders fence all round, bricks, rubble and a portaloo by the main door.

My mum remarked it looked like it had been bombed out, which was amazing as it had survived the Blitz totally unscathed.

Therefore OP I declare YABU.