To find it irritating when people moan about wedding "stress"

[CaramelisedOnion]

It seems to me that people getting married should be a joyful thing for them. While I appreciate that organising big events can be stressful - when I read (mostly on a different parenting forum!) about women saying they are "near to tears" with respect to dresses/canapes/flowers it makes my blood boil. They are getting married! They have a partner who loves them, they are going to have a celebration of that.

Fucking bridezillas

YANBU if it's someone getting their knickers in an overpriced twist about colour schemes and favours.

YABU if it's someone's family being a right royal pain.

Our wedding was planned in a very short space of time, and I know I got off lightly in terms of aggro. However, there were still some stressful moments. They all involved family members having tantrums.

Almost exactly what TheSmallClanger said.

My biggest stress moments revolved around my Mum: her insistence that I should invite some ghastly members of her family who I had no intention of having there (at the expense of people I actually wanted to see); and later, the bigger stress that she was too sick to come to the wedding at all, we had to go and see her in hospital (which of course I was glad we did).

But stressing about shades of pink matching or something - that's just not worth it.

I was not a "bridezila", but, because of my future MiL, I had a lot of pre wedding stress! We were organising our small budget wedding, where a lot of our friends had offered goods/services,for free or very low cost, ie flowers, wedding car, photography, catering (we paid for ingredients, friend prepared it all for free). This meant we had a far more limited choice, which suited us fine, however MiL kept asking "why don't they let you have this (usually far more expensive) item rather than that, or she wouldnt come as her ExDH (my DH's dad) was coming, and and then making comments about how things would look with us having such a "cheap" wedding- (she never offered to pay anything towards it) and just stirred up all sorts of resentment. It did cause stress before, and even on the day, when she suddenly decided she was "too busy" to attend her youngest sons wedding, and we had to re-arrange things yet again! Its shows its not the wedding itself, but other outside factors that we have no control over that cause the problems.

I think weddings are very stressful.

Families interfere get involved, people get upset if their partners or kids are not invited, people moan about distance/accomodation/gift lists/outfit costs

Guests don't like chicken/lamb/beef any other fooking food you pay LOTS for and don't eat any yourself

Venue dressers don't turn up on the day

And then when it's all over the bride wonders what all the fuss was about and realises that no-one was remotely arsed about the colour co-ordinated table plan she spent weeks months on making

Hindsight hey!

YANBU - people (mostly women) seem to get ridiculously stressed about having to have an expensive and showy wedding full of crap stuff that no one is interested in.

if you love someone - why not have a small, simple ceremony with a few friends? You don't have to have the horse & carriage/meringue white dress/tons of flowers/sit down meal/evening disco/video and posh photographer/favours/ etc etc etc etc.

Why do people do it? So many marriages end in divorce anyway .

My wedding was tiny, quick ceremony, pefectly normal everyday outfit which I could wear afterwards, five guests and a lunch we paid for, home made cake and then left for our honeymoon. Still married 24 years later !

Because everyone wants to do what they choose, Ragwort. I don't get what is so hard to understand about that. You had your wedding as you wanted it, why do you think everyone should do what you did?

FWIW we had a very casual wedding but I would not presume to tell other people they should have a similar celebration because, y'know, I kind of understand that everybody likes different things...

I'm all for people doing what they want to do, but it seems to me that often with these big weddings people are doing what they feel is expected, or showing off to others, rather than organising a day they'll actually enjoy.

If you do actually enjoy that stuff then go for it! But I can see how it must be a bit annoying when people keep moaning about the wedding they've chosen to have...

I do have some sympathy when it's a case of 'difficult' relatives causing trouble though, there's often no easy way to avoid that - apart from not inviting them, which can cause all kinds of hassle as well!

The stress, like the cost, isn't actually compulsory. Our entire wedding (London, very recently) cost £35 pounds each for the 'authority to marry' notice, £133 pounds for the ceremony and a rather nice room at the local registry office, plus the cost of an afternoon of tapas and champagne for us and our two witnesses afterwards. I wore jeans and biker boots. Not a colour-scheme, bridesmaid, canapé or MiL crisis in sight.

This isn't some kind of 'How cool and understated are we?' stealth boast, either. I appreciate the way we did it isn't for everyone, but it's a perfectly valid approach.

Not inviting the annoying relatives ended up being the answer for us. Twelve years later, we still have to dodge shrapnel from the explosion!

Smallclanger - indeed, I imagine we'll be dealing with parental resentment x 4 for years to come, but as far as we're concerned not^ having the people who love us present was offset against not only ridiculous costs (two very large families, witout even counting extended family and friends) but potential family demands, difficulties, awkwardnesses, the expectation of some kind of 'show' etc.

I agree OP

When I was getting married someone asked how I was coping with "all the stress of it all". My first thought was that they should put the news on and look at all the poor folks in Gloucestershire who were knee deep in shit in their own houses because of the floods (2007, floods happened a few months before we got married). Now that would be stressful

I didn't say anything though, they were only being nice

YANBU - I think the idea that a wedding has to be some huge event contributes to a lot of this. Although yes, arsey family are horrid whenever.

I do wonder if back in the day, when wedding s were more low-key, if there was less stress.

why not have a small, simple ceremony with a few friends?

My brother did this (prob because he and wife-to-be were pretty idle and self-centred) but my mother was v hurt.

But, hey, who cares about close family and in-laws when you can just sod off and do as you please.

It seems to me that people having children should be a joyful thing for them. While I appreciate that organising big events can be stressful - when I read (mostly on a different parenting forum!) about women saying they are "near to tears" with respect to SPD/fatigue/sickness/pain relief options/home birth vs hospital/tears in their ladybits/complications it makes my blood boil. They are having a baby! They have a partner who loves them, they are going to have a celebration of that.

Fucking mothers

Just thought I would substitute some parts of your OP to give a different perspective. YABU. An event can be wonderful and happy but also be a stressful occasion.

YABU and have obviously never organised a wedding.

As fabulous as it would b to just be organising a small affiar, where you're marrying the love of your life, there's about 200 other people you need to consider. If you decide to have a very small quick trip to the registry office do, you have to deal with the fall out of not inviting people who very much feel they should be there. If you're inviting lots of people, it turns into WHO do you invite, what are the criteria for inviting someone, the cost, the endless bureaucracy (you have no bloody clue) and EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKING YOU QUESTIONS. And when I say 200 - yes, it can be like that. How close a relation do you invite, where's the cut off point, are there any family issues you need to be sensitive to, can people sit near each other, what friends, how good a friend should they be, what about parents' friends. It's fucking difficult. And we're quite fortunate as in, our parents are still with each other, no messy divorces or family feuds, but still.

I'm trying to be as chilled and as laid back as possible, but for e.g., we're marrying in DP's city (easier overall, as more guests are from there/near there) so that means shipping my family in. My mother has decided "I don't organise anything" so I'm sorting out accomodation for my parents (with no input) while trying to coordinate 7 different sets of people arriving from 3 countries in four forms of transport, all on different days. Then, bridesmaids - SIMPLE! I thought, just say "choose a dress you like in this colour". hahahahahahahahaha. "is this dress alright?" "I said you could choose whatever you want and will be comfortable" "but will it be alright? And the other bridesmaid is wearing this, is that okay?" "YES" "And the shoes. I have black shoes, but should I wear black shoes" "what sort of cover up should I wear? What should I have in my hair?" ARGH

Obviously, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't as stressful as many many other things, like losing a child or moving country or running a government, but it's up there.

This will probably sound really, really terrible, but I'm quite relieved actually that the most difficult relatives live on a different continent and can't make it so I don't have to deal with them as well.

That would truly send me over the edge

YANBU - I had a lovely little wedding and almost no stress....well except the in laws turning up the morning of the wedding needing various items of clothing fixed...that was a bit odd...and unexpected...but that was it really. Everything else was fine...

Mind you we did the whole thing for 2 grand. (12 years ago for those of your calculating inflation)

I reckon it would get stressful if you decide to spend 20 grand on it.

I remember weddings "back in the day" because I'm an old gimmer who was a bit of a glutton for getting married before I realised I was allergic to the state of matrimony.

What I recall is that people tended to have the sort of weddings they could afford and enjoyed them all the more because of it. So in the case of my cousin, this was a very posh do in a London hotel. It was a fabulous day and everyone enjoyed it. Mainly because it had been affordable and nobody had got into debt or saved up for years and years in order to pay for it.

Other friends and family had simpler but just as enjoyable weddings and across the board, there was more emphasis on the marriage than the wedding. Admittedly this didn't mean that the age old problem of interfering family members didn't feature but there was nowhere near as much emphasis on themes and the various other unnecessary items that the wedding industry has cleverly managed to create a need for. Also, it's also worth remembering that the majority of weddings were paid for by the bride's parents. I'm not saying this is a desirable state of affairs or one that I'd like to see return but it tended to mean that the wedding planning was shared and not fall entirely upon the shoulders of the bride (assisted to a greater or lesser degree by the groom).

I really don't think people worried about some of the nonsense that now seems an essential part of too many weddings. Nor expect to spend a ridiculous proportion of their income on one single day and this, I am sure, is at the root of some of the wedding stress.

heh heh heh...

also it turns out you can get married quite easily with 60 odd guests, no wedding favours, or abstract table decorations...no swans in the garden..no stupid photographer faffing around and pissing your guests off...no awkward disco....and definitely no canapes....

Just have fab day with the people you care most about and get hitched.

YANBU.

It is self inflicted and on the whole tends to be about the material shallow stuff that doesnt matter.

YABU. Planning a wedding would be a piece of piss if family/friends simply left you alone, or followed simple instructions. They generally do not.
If people are moaning to you about their wedding stresses, simply ignore, or change the subject. Don't tell them how unreasonable you think they are and add to their stress.
I wanted a simple wedding, minimal flowers, simple cake, bog standard DJ. Other people had other ideas. To be fair, I was pregnant when married, so I'm sure people thought they were helping. They were not.
The only things I cared about, were, 1. my husband-to-be was there, 2. my walking in music was correct, 3. my first dance music was correct, 4. I had my bouquet, 5. that guests were generally happy.
Maybe if people you know are stressing, ask them which bits of their wedding are important to them, and tell them to concentrate on those bits.

And (thanks to French bureaucracy) we are also having the small turn up at the registry office do. Obvs not same level of stress as the main event, but still, pretty stressful. Originally, it was supposed to be us and our parents. Then my Mom insisted that my great aunt and uncle are invited. Then my fiance's sibling is turning up. Then my Mom is all "well, if his sibling's coming, why not yours?" and then you have 10 more people + children. At that point I put my foot down. I know I will have to deal with the agro of that particular decision for at least five years.

"Planning a wedding would be a piece of piss if family/friends simply left you alone, or followed simple instructions" Oh yes - that to. "please just book flights NOW before they become expensive, and somewhere to stay". hahahahahaha. instead, 15 emails about where to stay and when, three weeks later complaints because the price of a flight has gone up, issues with accomodation and people then deciding to drive for three days. ARGH.

Entropy, I'm with you on this! Maybe I'm just lucky that I don't have the sort of family that get upset about this kind of stuff, but I just find it bizarre that people allow their parents/ILs to take over and get dictated to over what should be their special day.

When DH and I got married, we booked registry office and restaurant and invited 30 people - close family and friends only. No official photographers, no wedding list, just a lovely day with our best friends. I am still slightly surprised when I go to other peoples' houses and see wedding photos etc on display. I've got some somewhere (in the loft I think!) but to me that's not what it's all about.

I thought, just say "choose a dress you like in this colour". hahahahahahahahaha. "is this dress alright?" "I said you could choose whatever you want and will be comfortable" "but will it be alright? And the other bridesmaid is wearing this, is that okay?" "YES" "And the shoes. I have black shoes, but should I wear black shoes" "what sort of cover up should I wear? What should I have in my hair?" ARGH

This is EXACTLY what happened to me! Drove me BONKERS!