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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect MIL to see her new grandson more than once every six weeks?

113 replies

Ashappyaslarry · 01/04/2012 19:01

Ds is 4 months old. We are visiting MIL next week for Easter. Last time MIL visited was 6 weeks ago. And before that it was another 6 weeks since she'd seen him and in fact it was us that visited her. Before that it was 4 weeks since they visited, which was for Christmas. AIBU to expect her to want to see her grandson more frequently? They live 1 hr away.

OP posts:

Woodlands · 02/04/2012 14:36

My MIL said to me when my DS was born that her friends with grandchildren all tried to see their GC at least every six weeks, and she planned to do the same - it's a good length of time as you're not doing a long journey too often (they live 120 miles away) but yet the child gets to know you and gets used to you. It works fairly well for us - we tend to go to them for a weekend maybe four times a year (just been this weekend in fact) and they often come and see us for a day or so in between (we have less space for them to stay). I think it's about right really!

chocoroo · 02/04/2012 14:42

I live about 90m away from my DM's. She adores DD but we probably only see her once a month. We all have busy lives and it can be difficult to coordinate diaries.

I think YABU. Try and make the journey yourself every 3 weeks to split the difference.

Proudnscary · 02/04/2012 14:43

I think some posters on here are 'towing the Mumsnet line' ie they know posters have got flamed over the years for daring to wish their parents or IL's helped out more or saw more of the kids.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I sympathise. I agree with others that you can't force them to visit more or be more interested though. So you need to come to terms with it as soon as you can and don't let it get to you. It's the way it is.

(My (lovely) ILs live 200 miles away and we see them about every six weeks. My mother practically bloody lives with us visits once or twice a week as she's round the corner but that is too much..and a totally different story!)

everlong · 02/04/2012 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teaandcakeplease · 02/04/2012 15:14

everlong I wish you were related to me!

When my marriage broke down I thought I'd get loads of support from my parents then, but no not at all. My parents in law see the children even less than my own parents do

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2012 15:25

How amenable are you to MIL's visiting? In other words, do you make it easy for her to see your DS or do you all have the sort of diaries that makes regular visits a bit difficult to arrange? I ask this because my former ILs were also an hour's drive away and while they doted on my dcs, we all lived busy lives which made a 2-hour round trip something that couldn't be done as often as we'd have liked. So 6 weeks was pretty normal, tbh.

Not all of us are lucky to have our grandchildren living close by (I am one of the lucky ones and have the pleasure of spending lots of time with dgd) and it isn't always a case of not being bothered if more regular visits are impossible.

Born2BRiiiled · 02/04/2012 15:59

Well it seems strange to me. I see my parents loads. Even when they were 3hrs away, we saw them every 2 to 3 weeks. We see UK's weekly too.
I think you reap what you sow with family relationships. We help each other, and always will ad they become older and maybe become infirm. It is sad for you, but you can't force them.

BoffinMum · 02/04/2012 16:08

My mum sees my kids once or twice a year, if they're lucky. She stays about 2 hours and then gets bored. The younger two barely know her.

Born2BRiiiled · 02/04/2012 16:10

BoffinMum · 02/04/2012 16:36

I see my FIL a lot, and that's mutually supportive. I think you're spot on - you reap what you sow, and if you only put yourself out once a year for two hours despite being invited more often, then you can hardly expect more than that when you are old and infirm, like you say.

Pooka · 02/04/2012 16:41

sounds fine to me.

I grew up similar distance from my grandparents and iirc didn't see them any more frequently than that. But when I did, it was amazing and I had a fantastic relationship with one granny in particular, spending holidays with her and going on round-Britain trips visiting family and friends from the age of about 9.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/04/2012 19:42

Sorry not read the whole thread...

I can see why you're upset about it but you can't force them to visit you, you can only increase your visits to see them or just keep inviting them. Our PIL are 45mins away and they didn't see DD more than every couple of months when she was little. Now she's a toddler, they're happy to have her overnight and in fact do regular childcare for us.

I wonder if a baby is just not that interesting for them, maybe the don't know what to do or just aren't that confident. We found this to be the case with PIL, they'd kinda forgotten and didn't want to make a mistake (knowing that recommendations have changed etc).

Now DD is 2.7 and wants to help FIL in the garden, she's chatty and loves to bake with MIL; they're really keen to see her.

I think you might just have to give it time and see if things change as your DC gets a little older.

coraltoes · 02/04/2012 20:31

My mil often went a couple of months without visiting my DH or vice versa....so I didn't expect my different with my dd. I think she is disappointed I don't invite her down often, I don't see why I should if she never had that sort of relationship with her son before. Bloody mil.

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